Best Mistake

I felt like I couldn't move as I was lying on the bed in the exam room, like the gown they gave me to cover up with was made of restraints. I glanced around nervously at all of the diagrams of the female anatomy. To my left was a cork board covered with pictures of babies my doctor had delivered and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I thought that maybe mine and Alex's baby would be up there in a few months.

There was a knock on the door and Dr. Gresham came in, smiling wide at me. "Good morning, Ms. Pate. I'm Dr. James Gresham." I smiled my response. "How are you doing today?" he asked as he sat in his chair.

"I've been better," I smiled slightly.

He looked at me quickly over the brim of his glasses, then back at his computer where my information and records were stored. "Uh oh. What brings you in today?"

"I took a pregnancy test. It came out positive. I'm just here to see if it was right."

He turned in his chair to face me. "Okay. I'm just going to put this out there- those pregnancy tests are pretty accurate. So I wouldn't expect a different result."

I nodded, swallowing hard again.

He turned on the sonogram machine, putting on his gloves and asking me questions. "When did you take the test?"

"A week ago."

"Any complications? Discomforts?"

I shook my head.

He nodded and grabbed the probe-ish thing to stick in me. "Alrighty then. Go ahead and scoot down to the end of the bed and put your feet in the stirrups. This is going to be a little cold."

I squirmed once the camera was inside of me and looked away from the screen. I didn't want to see the fetus.

"Okay, Ms. Pate. Here's your baby," he said in a sing-song tone.

I tried to to fight the urge to look, but it was like the screen had some sort of gravitational pull on my face. I slowly turned my head in the direction of Dr. Gresham before my eyes landed on the screen.

It looked like a blob, just a black circle on a grey screen. It was so hard to believe that it could one day have a face and eyes and fingers and toes. I felt the breath slip out of my lungs as the screen flickered.

"What was that?" I asked, my voice barely audible.

"That's the heart beating," Dr. Gresham grinned.

"Oh," I sobbed, unable to contain myself any longer. "Oh my god."

Dr. Gresham pulled the camera out of me and covered me back up with the gown. "You're about six weeks along right now. Estimated due date is July 15th. I'm gonna have you come in every two months for a check up. We'll really be able to tell the sex by the sixth month. Any questions?"

I shook my head slowly, still staring at the screen that was now black.

"Okay," he chuckled. "They'll be able to schedule your next appointment up front. If you have any questions or concerns please don't hesitate to call."

"Thank you," I blurted before he walked out the door and he smiled politely as he shut the door behind him.

That night I found myself sitting on the couch, every light but the lamp in the middle of the living room on. It was completely silent, but my thoughts were loud and fast. They were all jumbling together, I could barely sort them out.

I thought about the fetus and how much it touched my heart to see if floating on the screen. I'd never felt that humbled or selfless in my life. My heart damn near exploded out of my chest. Then I thought about what Alex would think if he saw it.

I thought about what it would look like when it was born. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it have Alex's brown hair and eyes or would it have my blonde hair and green eyes? What would we call it? Then I thought If there would even be a "we" to call it anything.

I had to take into consideration that Alex might not stick around. Would I be able to live with that, especially if our child was the spitting image of him? Would I be able to love our child knowing Alex left us hanging? And what if our kid was into music, and talented like Alex? I wouldn't hate him if he chose to bail, but I couldn't say I wouldn't resent him a little bit. Would I be able to be the mother I needed to be if our child was a clone of Alex?

I had to think about whether or not I would be able to financially support it or not. I was already working two jobs to make ends meet just to support myself. Could I really handle supporting someone so unable to help?

I I felt a flutter in my stomach, and I almost sobbed as my hand rested over my baby.

Of course I could do it. I had no other choice but to. If Alex wanted to stay, great. If he didn't, that would have to be okay, too.

I stared at my phone sitting in front of me on the coffee table. With a heavy sigh and a quick moment to compose myself, I picked it up and started a new message.

Hey Alex. So I am pregnant. I'm keeping it too. I know this is all very inconvenient for you, and I'm sorry. You don't have to contribute to anything. Only if you want too. I'll talk to you later I guess.

I pressed "send" and sat my phone on the arm of the chair. Less than a minute later, my phone began to buzz.

Okay

"Whatever that means," I huffed and threw my phone to the other end of the couch.

I sat on the couch for a little while longer, thinking and making sure I was makin the right decision to keep the baby, whether Alex was in the picture of not. My thoughts were brought to a halt when my phone buzzed again. I reached over to open another text from Alex with an address and directions to meet him there at noon the next day.

Where am I meeting you?

My house

Notes