You've got to hold on.
.
×Trigger warning Self harm×
Jacks POV
Alex was lead on the sofa using my legs as a pillow since everyone was up and watching a movie since it was now the Christmas holidays.
"Not home alone Jack, that movie is rubbish." Jake said and looked at me.
"What there's nothing wrong with it." I said.
"Your 16 and yet you act like your 5." Bandit said.
"Maybe I'm a 5 year old at heart, you never know." I said.
Alex sat up and went outside.
I watched him leave the room and frowned a little. I knew he wasn't running as he went to the garden and he was in my pj bottoms since he has no clothes.
"Is Alex okay?" Jake asked since he's taken a shine to Alex.
"Think so I'm just going to check on him." I said and got up and went outside and Alex was sat on the floor looking up at the sky and smoking a cigarette.
I went over and sat next to him which made him jump always.
"What you doing out here?" I asked quietly trying not to let off that I was really cold.
"Needed a cigarette and a bit of space. Not used to having all those people around." He said.
"You'll have to get used to it as the house is going to be loud and busy for the next 3 weeks." I said and Alex just groaned.
"Hey its not that bad because Christmas isn't that far away." I said being really excited about it.
Alex just looked down and stayed quiet.
"What's up?" I asked when I noticed Alex wasn't joining in with my excitement.
" It's just another day." Alex said quietly,
"No its not, its Christmas, you spend the day with your family, you get presents and have Turkey then watch crap Christmas films and drink and watch your family member get drunk." I said and I heard Alex sniff.
"Well aren't you lucky you have that." He said sarcastically.
" But you can be a part of it as well. Your family now and you are spending Christmas with us." I said.
"Its your family day. I'm going to go to the hostel and be with my homeless family." He said.
"You don't have to, your more than welcomed to stay here." I said.
"Despite all the bad things which have happened to me, I have friends and I want to spend Christmas with them like I have done the last 2 years. Their my family and I would like to spend Christmas with them." He said and looked at me.
"But I want to spend Christmas with you." I said and looked down.
"Okay, I'm going to spend Christmas eve and day on the streets. Then I'll come back in the evening and spend it with you." He said and I looked at him.
I just nodded.
"Please respect my choice." He whispered and looked away sensing I was mad with him which I was in a way.
"I don't understand Alex, you have a home here. Why do you want to be on the streets when you can be here." I said knowing this will course a argument between me and Alex.
"Because those people have been there for me way before you showed up. They helped me when I fucking needed help. I want to be with them because in my eyes they are my family." He spat.
"But we're helping you now." I said.
"For fuck sake. Stop acting like a jealous bastard will you! You think I'm your property? I belong to nobody. Therefore you are not going to control me." Alex growled and stood up and I did the same.
"I'm acting jealous? Why the fuck would I be jealous? I bet you've slept with so many people that your a walking STD! And I'm not calling you my property." I said loudly then regretted what I said.
The next thing I knew Alex had punched me hard round the face and my nose started to bleed.
"You have no fucking clue what I have been through! I had to sleep with people in order for me to survive! I had to give every single bit of dignity up just for a bit of change to fucking eat! " Alex shouted at me.
"But I forgot you don't know what that's like since you have your dignity. Christ, I know you haven't even had sex yet." He said.
I just looked at him nursing my nose.
"Well will you look at that, mummy dearest is coming to check on you. Aren't you fucking lucky that your mum gives a shit about you." He said and turned round so his back was to us.
I turned round and saw mum.
"You okay Jack?" She asked.
"I'm fine just give us some space." I said and moved my hand away and my nose had just stopped bleeding which I was thankful for.
I heard Alex sniff loudly and I walked over to him and he moved away from me.
"Leave me alone. You don't want to be near me right now." He said sounding like he was trying to hold himself together.
"I can't leave you alone." I said and Alex looked at me.
"I don't want to hurt you." He whispered.
"Think it might be a bit late for that." I said and pointed to my face.
Alex smiled a little.
He turned and faced me and gently put his hand on my face.
It made me flinch a little but it was enough for Alex to notice.
He moved his hand and looked down.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly and moved kissed my cheek softly and moved away and looked at me.
"Right now I can't be here, I need to calm down." He said.
"Your going back on the streets?" I asked.
"I need someone to fuck me hard or something. I'll come back I promise." He said.
"But I can do that for you." I said without realising what I said.
Alex chuckled.
"Your too kind and innocent to have someone like me to take it away from you." He said.
"I don't care." I said.
"I can't give you what you want. But you'll find someone who you trust to take it away from you." He said.
"Yeah you can. I trust you Alex, I know you can't trust me, not yet anyway but I trust you." I said and stepped towards him.
"You shouldn't give your trust up so easily." He said.
"And you should let your walls down a little. Not everyone is bad." I said.
Alex chuckled quietly again.
"Once your trust is broken its hard to find again. I learnt the hard way on that." He said.
"You can trust me. Mine are the hands you can trust." I said and moved closer to him.
I was surprised when he didn't move back.
"I know I can trust you. But right now I can't trust you." He said and looked down and I moved my hand and made him look at me.
"I know." I said quietly and kissed him which he returned.
Alex pulled back first and smiled.
"Please don't go." I whispered and rested my forehead against his.
"I've got to, I promise I'll be back before you go to sleep." He said quietly.
"I said I can give you what you want." I said.
"And I said I'm not taking it away from you. I'm serious about that Jack. You need someone who is kinder and can give you the love you need." He said.
"I know you can do that Alex. Somewhere deep inside you can love someone." I said.
"Right now I'm not that person." He said and moved away.
"But.." I started but Alex moved and kissed me again.
"No Jack. Enough. Go back inside and I'll be back before you fall asleep I promise." He said.
I sighed and gave up and turned round and walked inside.
Alex quickly ran in and got dressed and was out the door in 5 minutes.
I just sat out in the kitchen thinking when mum came out.
"You okay Jack?" She asked and got a towel and put some cold water on it and gave it to me where I put it on my face.
"I don't know." I said and mum sat on the chair in front of me.
"Talk to me Jack, whatever you have to say I will listen." She said.
"I think I'm gay and I really like Alex." I said and looked down.
"I know you really like Alex. As for being gay, I don't care. Your my boy and I love you whether you like aliens or whatever." She said and I could help but chuckle at the alien part.
"You sure? Because I can always go and find somewhere else to go." I said and stayed looking down.
"Jack look at me." Mum said and I looked at her.
"I carried you for nine months and gave birth to you. I don't care that you are gay. I'm not going to throw you out on the streets, only bastards do that. All I want is you to be happy with whoever you choose to spend your life with. I love you no matter what Jacky." She said and pulled me into a hug which I returned.
"Thanks mum." I said quietly.
"Anytime Jacky." She said and gave me a squeeze in the hug which made me chuckle.
"And I love you too." I said and kissed her cheek.
"I know you do." She chuckled and let me go and kissed my forehead.
"The man who has your heart is going to be very lucky." She smiled.
I smiled as well.
"I'm going to go to bed and wait for Alex." I said.
"Where is Alex?" Mum asked.
"Gone to fuck someone." I said and looked down.
"Its his choice at the end of the daily Jack. No one can force to anything he doesn't want to do." She said.
"I know." I said and went upstairs.
By the time I had a shower and found a DVD to watch and crawled into bed Alex still wasn't back.
I was beginning to think he wasn't going to come back but I heard the front door shut quietly and someone walking up the stairs and my door opening and closing.
"Jack you awake?" Alex whispered.
"Yeah I'm up." I said and turn my bedside lamp on and looked at Alex.
He had a black eye and he was walking with a limp and his had finger marks round his neck and wrist.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Part from feeling sore and dirty I'm fine." He said and walked over and sat on the bed.
I looked at him confused.
"Don't hate me please." He said quietly and looked down.
I sat up and sat next to him and looked at his arm and saw blood on it.
"What happened?" I asked quietly.
"After the guys fucked me they gave me a beer so I drunk it and used the can to hurt myself." He said.
"Come on let's get you cleaned up then." I said and got up and Alex followed.
After I cleaned Alex up and he had a shower we was both in bed and for some reason Alex was really cuddley.
"You sure your okay?" I asked.
Alex nodded and yawned.
"Yeah, just really sore that's all." He said quietly.
I just pulled Alex closer to me and I kissed the top of his head.
It wasn't long before I felt Alex's breathes even out and I looked and he was asleep.
I smiled and watched the film until I fell asleep as well.
Jacks POV
Alex was lead on the sofa using my legs as a pillow since everyone was up and watching a movie since it was now the Christmas holidays.
"Not home alone Jack, that movie is rubbish." Jake said and looked at me.
"What there's nothing wrong with it." I said.
"Your 16 and yet you act like your 5." Bandit said.
"Maybe I'm a 5 year old at heart, you never know." I said.
Alex sat up and went outside.
I watched him leave the room and frowned a little. I knew he wasn't running as he went to the garden and he was in my pj bottoms since he has no clothes.
"Is Alex okay?" Jake asked since he's taken a shine to Alex.
"Think so I'm just going to check on him." I said and got up and went outside and Alex was sat on the floor looking up at the sky and smoking a cigarette.
I went over and sat next to him which made him jump always.
"What you doing out here?" I asked quietly trying not to let off that I was really cold.
"Needed a cigarette and a bit of space. Not used to having all those people around." He said.
"You'll have to get used to it as the house is going to be loud and busy for the next 3 weeks." I said and Alex just groaned.
"Hey its not that bad because Christmas isn't that far away." I said being really excited about it.
Alex just looked down and stayed quiet.
"What's up?" I asked when I noticed Alex wasn't joining in with my excitement.
" It's just another day." Alex said quietly,
"No its not, its Christmas, you spend the day with your family, you get presents and have Turkey then watch crap Christmas films and drink and watch your family member get drunk." I said and I heard Alex sniff.
"Well aren't you lucky you have that." He said sarcastically.
" But you can be a part of it as well. Your family now and you are spending Christmas with us." I said.
"Its your family day. I'm going to go to the hostel and be with my homeless family." He said.
"You don't have to, your more than welcomed to stay here." I said.
"Despite all the bad things which have happened to me, I have friends and I want to spend Christmas with them like I have done the last 2 years. Their my family and I would like to spend Christmas with them." He said and looked at me.
"But I want to spend Christmas with you." I said and looked down.
"Okay, I'm going to spend Christmas eve and day on the streets. Then I'll come back in the evening and spend it with you." He said and I looked at him.
I just nodded.
"Please respect my choice." He whispered and looked away sensing I was mad with him which I was in a way.
"I don't understand Alex, you have a home here. Why do you want to be on the streets when you can be here." I said knowing this will course a argument between me and Alex.
"Because those people have been there for me way before you showed up. They helped me when I fucking needed help. I want to be with them because in my eyes they are my family." He spat.
"But we're helping you now." I said.
"For fuck sake. Stop acting like a jealous bastard will you! You think I'm your property? I belong to nobody. Therefore you are not going to control me." Alex growled and stood up and I did the same.
"I'm acting jealous? Why the fuck would I be jealous? I bet you've slept with so many people that your a walking STD! And I'm not calling you my property." I said loudly then regretted what I said.
The next thing I knew Alex had punched me hard round the face and my nose started to bleed.
"You have no fucking clue what I have been through! I had to sleep with people in order for me to survive! I had to give every single bit of dignity up just for a bit of change to fucking eat! " Alex shouted at me.
"But I forgot you don't know what that's like since you have your dignity. Christ, I know you haven't even had sex yet." He said.
I just looked at him nursing my nose.
"Well will you look at that, mummy dearest is coming to check on you. Aren't you fucking lucky that your mum gives a shit about you." He said and turned round so his back was to us.
I turned round and saw mum.
"You okay Jack?" She asked.
"I'm fine just give us some space." I said and moved my hand away and my nose had just stopped bleeding which I was thankful for.
I heard Alex sniff loudly and I walked over to him and he moved away from me.
"Leave me alone. You don't want to be near me right now." He said sounding like he was trying to hold himself together.
"I can't leave you alone." I said and Alex looked at me.
"I don't want to hurt you." He whispered.
"Think it might be a bit late for that." I said and pointed to my face.
Alex smiled a little.
He turned and faced me and gently put his hand on my face.
It made me flinch a little but it was enough for Alex to notice.
He moved his hand and looked down.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly and moved kissed my cheek softly and moved away and looked at me.
"Right now I can't be here, I need to calm down." He said.
"Your going back on the streets?" I asked.
"I need someone to fuck me hard or something. I'll come back I promise." He said.
"But I can do that for you." I said without realising what I said.
Alex chuckled.
"Your too kind and innocent to have someone like me to take it away from you." He said.
"I don't care." I said.
"I can't give you what you want. But you'll find someone who you trust to take it away from you." He said.
"Yeah you can. I trust you Alex, I know you can't trust me, not yet anyway but I trust you." I said and stepped towards him.
"You shouldn't give your trust up so easily." He said.
"And you should let your walls down a little. Not everyone is bad." I said.
Alex chuckled quietly again.
"Once your trust is broken its hard to find again. I learnt the hard way on that." He said.
"You can trust me. Mine are the hands you can trust." I said and moved closer to him.
I was surprised when he didn't move back.
"I know I can trust you. But right now I can't trust you." He said and looked down and I moved my hand and made him look at me.
"I know." I said quietly and kissed him which he returned.
Alex pulled back first and smiled.
"Please don't go." I whispered and rested my forehead against his.
"I've got to, I promise I'll be back before you go to sleep." He said quietly.
"I said I can give you what you want." I said.
"And I said I'm not taking it away from you. I'm serious about that Jack. You need someone who is kinder and can give you the love you need." He said.
"I know you can do that Alex. Somewhere deep inside you can love someone." I said.
"Right now I'm not that person." He said and moved away.
"But.." I started but Alex moved and kissed me again.
"No Jack. Enough. Go back inside and I'll be back before you fall asleep I promise." He said.
I sighed and gave up and turned round and walked inside.
Alex quickly ran in and got dressed and was out the door in 5 minutes.
I just sat out in the kitchen thinking when mum came out.
"You okay Jack?" She asked and got a towel and put some cold water on it and gave it to me where I put it on my face.
"I don't know." I said and mum sat on the chair in front of me.
"Talk to me Jack, whatever you have to say I will listen." She said.
"I think I'm gay and I really like Alex." I said and looked down.
"I know you really like Alex. As for being gay, I don't care. Your my boy and I love you whether you like aliens or whatever." She said and I could help but chuckle at the alien part.
"You sure? Because I can always go and find somewhere else to go." I said and stayed looking down.
"Jack look at me." Mum said and I looked at her.
"I carried you for nine months and gave birth to you. I don't care that you are gay. I'm not going to throw you out on the streets, only bastards do that. All I want is you to be happy with whoever you choose to spend your life with. I love you no matter what Jacky." She said and pulled me into a hug which I returned.
"Thanks mum." I said quietly.
"Anytime Jacky." She said and gave me a squeeze in the hug which made me chuckle.
"And I love you too." I said and kissed her cheek.
"I know you do." She chuckled and let me go and kissed my forehead.
"The man who has your heart is going to be very lucky." She smiled.
I smiled as well.
"I'm going to go to bed and wait for Alex." I said.
"Where is Alex?" Mum asked.
"Gone to fuck someone." I said and looked down.
"Its his choice at the end of the daily Jack. No one can force to anything he doesn't want to do." She said.
"I know." I said and went upstairs.
By the time I had a shower and found a DVD to watch and crawled into bed Alex still wasn't back.
I was beginning to think he wasn't going to come back but I heard the front door shut quietly and someone walking up the stairs and my door opening and closing.
"Jack you awake?" Alex whispered.
"Yeah I'm up." I said and turn my bedside lamp on and looked at Alex.
He had a black eye and he was walking with a limp and his had finger marks round his neck and wrist.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Part from feeling sore and dirty I'm fine." He said and walked over and sat on the bed.
I looked at him confused.
"Don't hate me please." He said quietly and looked down.
I sat up and sat next to him and looked at his arm and saw blood on it.
"What happened?" I asked quietly.
"After the guys fucked me they gave me a beer so I drunk it and used the can to hurt myself." He said.
"Come on let's get you cleaned up then." I said and got up and Alex followed.
After I cleaned Alex up and he had a shower we was both in bed and for some reason Alex was really cuddley.
"You sure your okay?" I asked.
Alex nodded and yawned.
"Yeah, just really sore that's all." He said quietly.
I just pulled Alex closer to me and I kissed the top of his head.
It wasn't long before I felt Alex's breathes even out and I looked and he was asleep.
I smiled and watched the film until I fell asleep as well.
Notes
would of updated sooner but long shifts at work is seriously tiring me out and the same with my head space being bad doesn't help really...
But please comment as I feel like I'm writing for no reason.
this is so sweet
11/6/16