Alex


I blinked sore brown eyes open to the sound of rain.
Rain never really was something that made me depressed. A lot of people suffer from grumpy moods whenever it’s stormy out because the weather makes them that way.

Not me though. Just leave it to me to always be the odd one out.

I rolled over onto my side, enjoying the comforting warmth of my mountain sized pile of blankets I was bundled up in. There was nothing else I would rather not do then leave my little envelope of relaxation and safety to go to school today.

Somehow I could just tell it was going to be an awful day.

I managed to drag myself out of bed, eyes barely wider than slits when I peeled off my sweatpants and boxers and changed into a new pair of plaid boxers and tight ripped denim skinny jeans, with a white graphic tee shirt. I slowly made my way to the bathroom as I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes, and bit back a groan once I saw that Tom was brushing his teeth in the bathroom.

Even though he goes to college everyday, he sleeps here every night instead of living in a dorm because our parents didn’t want to pay for it. It didn’t seem like a bad idea at first because I knew I would miss him, but I was looking forward to the tiny amount of time I had to myself to get ready in the morning that he manages to disrupt.

I peered through the door that was open just a crack, and noticed that Tom looked like a wreck. Looking at his reflection in the mirror his hair was matted down instead of styled in a neat quiff like it usually is, his complexion was paler with dark circles and bags under his puffy eyes. It looked like he had cried himself to sleep last night.

I watched him reach forward to grab his orange pill bottle from the shelf. He unscrewed the cap, and poured a couple too many anti-depressants into his hand before he swallowed them down with water.

“Hey Tom, I don’t think you’re supposed to take that many at one time.” I told him sleepily, pressing my eyebrows together in confusion as I opened the door wider.

“Don’t worry about it, Alex.” he dismissed me, treating me with the same attitude of me being the innocent little brother he has since we were little.

“What’s going on, are you okay? You were saying that you and Mikey were having some problems-”

“I told you to not worry about it!!” he snapped, pushing past me by shoving my shoulder with his and stormed down the stairs.

I shook my head angrily, hating whenever he got into these stupid moods.

He’ll apologize to me once he gets home tonight.

I picked up my straightener and ran it through my hair a few times, put some product in it so it was the perfect amount of messy, brushed my teeth, took my pills and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Something inside me just didn’t feel right.

Nothing changed, I still look the same, I don’t think I could be sick or anything, but there’s just this pit of pure dread at the bottom of my stomach.

Whenever I think about going on the bus and going to school I just want to crawl my way back to my room, curl up in my blankets and pretend I didn’t exist.

If only that were true.

I know that this had something to with my conversation with Jack on Friday. I just can’t bare to face him after saying all those things I yelled at him. I really don’t know what came over me, but when I saw the scandalous underwear right there on display in the drawer of her dresser, something in me just snapped.

Of course, they could have been Tay’s, but knowing that he cheated is heartbreaking enough. I didn’t need to discover what Jack ripped off of her perfect body before they…

I grabbed onto the bathroom sink.

I feel sick even thinking about it.

But like always, I couldn’t stop my mind from getting the best of me.

I anxiously slid one of my hands down my opposite arm, thinking about the horrifying possibility that could be the reality that they could belong to a girl who wasn’t Tay.

An entirely new person that Jack has decided to be with that wasn’t me.

I forced myself to suck in a long, slow deep breath and pushed the air back out of my lungs from my nose.

It can’t be possible. He wouldn’t stop trying to get me back, right?

I know that we are broken up but, would be give up on me like that?

It’s not like I should even care about that though, since I’m with Kellin.

I groaned and ran my hands through my freshly styled hair, tugging on the strands in frustration.

There has been this overbearing weight of my shoulders ever since we first got together, this pressure to have sex with him that just makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable.

I’m not ready for it, I don’t even want it as far as I know but Kellin seems eager to speed things up between the two of us. It’s not his fault, he’s looking forward to it… I’m just not.

But when I was baking with Jack, I couldn’t feel that dread hanging over me like a raincloud.
I couldn’t even feel the dull ache in my heart that is so prevalent right now.

I looked up and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

The face staring back at me was somehow somebody I didn’t even recognize.

What have I been doing all this time?

When I thought back to past choices I’ve made I just felt confused, who was this person controlling me?

Why did I start dating Kellin?
I don’t love him, I barely even like him! He’s sweet at times, but I can tell all he’s looking for in me is sex. His kindness seems fake at times, like if he said something that might hurt my feelings I’d shatter into a million pieces.

I’ve been so heartbroken over the fact that Jack cheated, I haven’t truly seen how hard he was trying to get me back.

Bringing flowers to my door, apologizing profusely, begging for me not to resort in dating someone else, and after all this time of me telling him to move on he hasn’t once stopped trying his best to get me back.

How could I chose Kellin over the person I love most in the world?

He’s made a mistake and he’s paid for it, I see that now.

“I miss Jack.” I whispered to myself.

Butterflies filled in my stomach with pure excitement, leaving me with a smiley, bubbly feeling that I can’t remember the last time I had.

A smile spread across when I repeated the words over and over in my head, picturing myself getting to school, admitting to Jack how much I miss him and just want to be with him again, jumping into his arms and kissing him just like I’ve been imagining during times I shouldn’t have.

As I stood in the bathroom just smiling to myself like a total dork, I listened to the sound of the bus going down my street while I swayed side to side looking like a total idiot.

Wait, the bus.
Going in the opposite direction it was supposed to be going, meaning that it missed my house.

“Oh no, no, no, no, no.” I muttered to myself, quickly grabbing my black backpack off the floor and running down the stairs.

“Slow down, Alexander!” my mom shouted from the living room, making me flinch and slow my pace a bit till I got to the front door.

I watched with wide eyes as my bus was now far down the street, speeding away without a care that this meant I had to get another ride from somebody else.

Anxiety bubbled through me as I walked back to the kitchen, and leaned on the kitchen counter as I pulled out my phone. I texted Rian to see if he could pick me up, knowing that he drives Cass in every morning and she only lives a few blocks away from me.

He quickly responded, which made me think that he hadn’t left his house yet, but of course the rare times I’m ever optimistic tend to backfire.


To bambi:
sorry dude!! I had to get to school early to finish my chem test :( can’t you catch a ride from your parents?

To mr.potatohead:
i’d rather stay home than do that

To bambi:
awww don’t worry man!! It’ll be over before you know it and me and zack will be waiting by your locker to make sure you make it to school alive :P

To mr.potatohead:
hahah lmao, thanks ri i’ll see you soon! :D


Soon the pit in my stomach I woke up with subdued the bubbly feeling I got when I thought of Jack. I hesitantly walked into the living room to see my father dressed in his work suit on the couch reading the newspaper, a cup of coffee on the side table.

Maybe I can just walk to school…

“Alexander? Why are you still here?” I heard his gruff, deep voice with a thick accent that made me flinch.

I squeezed my hand into a fist nervously, feeling my fingernails create crescent shaped indents into my sweaty palm.

I tried to think of something positive, like the fact that I’m going to tell Jack that I’m ready to be with him again. The thought that his soothing arms will be wrapped around me in hopefully less than an hour made me feel a bit braver than I would be normally.

“I was running late this morning, so I guess I missed the bus?.” my statement coming out as more of a question.

Panic ran through me as I watched his eyes narrow into a hateful glare.

Think of Jack.
Think of how cute he looks when he wakes up in the morning, think of his infectious laughter, think of his-

“You guess you missed the bus? What kind of response is that?” he interrupted my thoughts with a scoff, placing the newspaper down on the couch next to him.

“I’m sorry, I know that I misse-”

“Don’t talk back to me, you fucking bastard child.” he spat, making me flinch and shut my mouth quickly, looking down at the ground to avoid his painfully angry eyes.

I wish Jack was here.

My father chuckled as he stood up and walked towards me, standing in front of me and towering over my shrunken posture.

“Got anything to say to me boy? You ever going to stand up for yourself like your bitchy brother?” he asked me, just begging me to snap so he could slap me hard in the face.

My mouth was glued shut and my eyes focused on his expensive leather dress shoes.

I gasped as I was suddenly shoved backward, totally caught off guard I recoiled a few steps backward to regain balance until my back painfully collided with a corner of a shelf. A shot of pain ran through me and I reached backward and under my shirt to touch the sensitive skin and was thankful it wasn’t bleeding, but there would be a horrible bruise.

My father took steps forward until he was in my face, backing me up against a wall with nowhere to escape, not that I had to guts to do that anyways.

“I thought not, you fucking waste of space. You can’t even say anything to defend yourself because you know it’s true. You’re useless and you know it. Everyone knows it, you’re a stupid bitch that would be better off dead, yet you’re still here and I’m still paying for all those pills that keep you from killing yourself, isn’t that right?”

His words cut through me like knives. I felt like breaking down and sobbing but I knew that I’d get hit.

The worst part is that I couldn’t even disagree with him.

I’m a waste of space, even Jack knows it and that’s why he cheated.
Nobody would cheat on someone that they didn’t think was worthless.

“Answer me, you ugly piece of shit!” he roared.

“That’s right.” I choked out, voice barely louder than a whisper.

“What’s the point in those pills when you’re better off dead?” he asked me evilly.

It felt like my heart was being ripped out.

I shook my head, eyes filling up with tears.

“I don’t know.” I whispered.

“I think that I deserve a ‘thank you’ for all that I do for you.” he chuckled at my response.

“Thank you, father.” I mumbled numbly.

I looked up at him with blurry vision, his brown eyes that resembled mine were burning with evil.

“Get your ass in the car.”


---


I was on edge as I walked through the main doors of the school, attempting to shake some raindrops off of my windbreaker coat and pulling the hood back down off my head.

Trying to stay positive through all this is fucking exhausting but I wasn’t going to stop trying to make the best of things.

I mean, it could be worse. My parents could find about about my sexuality and actually kill me.

At least I’m not dead, even though I’d be better off that way.

His poisonous words echoed through my head, I didn’t know how to make it stop but I did know that I really had to talk to Jack.

If there’s hope to make my shitty day any better at all, it’ll be because of him.

It was 7:23 and school officially started in 7 minutes.

That means I have 7 minutes to tell Jack that I’m still helplessly in love with him and I want to be with him just as much as he’s been begging to be with me all this time.

I went down the hallway I go down every morning, where both my locker and Jack’s are located, butterflies causing commotion in my stomach.

As promised, I saw Rian and Zack at my locker and I smiled.
I didn’t think that he was actually serious when he said they’d be waiting for me. I’ve barely even talked to them, especially Zack, after all this because I knew they took Jack’s side.

They were the one’s who kept the secret from me, and they’ve known Jack for years and me only for 6 months.

I forced myself not to think about their past choices and tried to just be relieved that they kind of like me now.

“Oh, hey Bambi! You know what, let’s go the other way! Right to class!” Rian greeted, hurrying towards me and turning me around before I could get to my locker.

“What? I gotta get my books, Ri.” I told him, and gave them both a weird look as they stared sympathetically at me.

“Alex, you don’t look too good. How’d it go with your parents? Did your dad say anything to you?” Zack asked me thoughtfully.

I realized that my eyes probably still looked a little glassy, and I shrugged my shoulders.
They don’t need to know, the only person I want to tell is Jack but they won’t even let me see him.

I looked down at my phone and saw that there was only 5 minutes until the school bell rang.

“I’m worried about you dude, and seriously you really do not want to go that way.” Rian told me as I tried to walk around him but he blocked me once again.

“Why? It’s just my locker?” I gave him a weird look.

Rian looked like he was begging me not to argue with him, but either way I really need to get my AP American History book for my next class.

“You don’t need this today, man. Just trust me, you go through enough shit as it is.” Rian sighed, placing a concerned hand on my shoulder.

“Need what? What do you even mean? I just need my history book from my locker.” I shrugged his hand off and squeezed myself in between the two brawny teenage boys.

“No, but Alex I really think-”

My heart dropped when I saw Jack making out with a girl with long black hair dressed in a skimpy cheerleading uniform against his locker.

His hands on her waist and moving down lower by the second, both of her arms wrapped around his neck, tongues down each others throats, kissing like they’d die if they ever stopped.

“This shit is fucking deja vu.” Rian muttered.

Notes

WOW

OH MY FUCKING GOD
LONG TIME NO SEE AHHHHH

a MONTH
IT'S BEEN SO LONG WOWOW
I ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO POST A CHAPTER

i can't tell you guys how sorry i am for just totally disappearing! i didn't even give you a warning i was just gone! POOF

there was the holidays then new years and i went straight back to school, and i've been so distracted and have had so many tests but I'M BACK

AND OH MY GOD THIS CHAPTER IS SO FULL OF ALL THE DRAMA

you get to see what alex's family is like and ALEX IS CONFIRMED THAT JACK IS WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHILE THEY BROKEN UP
oh mannn
what do you think his reaction will be?
is his head going to explode?

i promise that i'm going to post another chapter SOON!
REALLYYY SOOON
i want to make it up to you guys because i have been the worst at updating and this CLIFF HANGER IS CRAZY

but the next chapter is gonna be really really good and i've been looking forward to writing it FOR MONTHS NOW

btw Rian said that it was deja vu because Jack found out about Alex and Kellin kinda the same way
idk if that was clear or not lmao

I'M SORRY I DISAPPEARED I MISSED YOU ALL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU'RE ALL SO SWEET AH <3

Alex
Jack
Zack
Rian
(this is what Ash looks like btw)

I MISS JALEX SO MUCH
THEY ON THEIR WAY
I'M SO EXCITED
PREPARE YOURSELF IT'S FINALLY COMING



the title is a twenty one pilots song because i'm seeing them NEXT WEEK IN CONCERT <3
title credit- Screen