Jack


I’ve noticed that ever since Alex left I’ve been slowly slipping into some of the things I stopped doing because of him. He was such a good influence on me, and now that he was gone in my life I had nobody to impress with good behavior anymore.

I’ve been shoving kids in the hallway for my own enjoyment, heavily flirting with some cheerleaders just because I can, skipping more classes than usual to sit outside behind the school and enjoy a cigarette.. Or five.

I only smoked occasionally when I was really stressed before I met Alex, but I never bought another pack after the first time I laid my eyes on his beautiful face. I knew a guy like him deserved better than a smoker, and I was going to do whatever it took to make him mine.

Well that went to shit.

Look, I know it look’s like I’ve completely fallen apart without the love of my life, but I’m completely fine. I’m dealing with it the only way that I know how, and the vodka that I snuck into my water bottle is a perfect example of a healthy way to handle things.

Here I am, with my back leaned against the rough brick of the school, staring at the dark, thick forest in front of me, leaves on the trees slowly dripping off rain from the light drizzle that occurred early this morning. Gutters quietly gurgled, still funneling miniature rivers down pipes and into storm drains, carrying swirling rafts of of dead leaves and sodden newspaper along with it. The overhanging roof sheltered me from slow, fat drops of water dropping from shingles, building up over time and eventually getting too heavy that they let themselves fall.

I took a long drag of the deathstick that was pressed up to my lips, wondering how I was going to survive this heartbreak. I blew the smoke out of my mouth, watching it slowly drift off into the gloomy grey sky.

~

I walked back into school just before lunch began because I was fucking starving.
I felt like a different person.
The Jack Barakat that is here now is a stranger to the one from a few months ago.

I stared at the ground as I walked, watching each of my black combat boots interchangeably walk through the tiled hallway, thinking back to the times where I would hold my chin up high.

I’m a fucking shell of the man I used to be.

I loved Alex too much to force him to be with me, when it was putting him through agony every time he made eye contact with me while it used to give him butterflies.
I had to let him go, I couldn’t make him stay no matter how badly I wanted him to.

He deserved to be happy, if that meant that I would be in agony while he did his best to heal his heart, then so be it. He’s been hurt enough for a lifetime, I didn’t want to pack on even more distress to his fragile soul.

My soul was getting hit by a fucking baseball bat but it’s better me than him.

I looked up when I heard somebody whisper my name, and shot a group of worried looking girls a death stare making them gasp and turn away, hurrying the other direction.

I made it to my locker and unlocked it to grab money from my wallet, listening to wild footsteps running over to me and stopping quickly.

“Jack, you smell like an ashtray.” I recognized Hayley’s voice as she stated the obvious, rolling my eyes and looking down at her concerned and angry looking face.

“Don’t tell me you’re smoking again, are you kidding me?” Rian let out a breathy sigh quietly, sounding like he was talking more to himself than me.

They don’t understand. Rian’s been in the same loving relationship for 4 years, and Hayley dated Brendon for a few months and they barely even said I love you.

I was fucking consumed with love for Alex but it didn’t stop me from straying from him.
Because I’m a heartless asshole that tortures the sweetest people I know.

I noticed that Rian, Cass and Hayley all stood in an awkward line, blocking me from being able to see the other side of the hallway, coincidentally where Alex’s locker was.

“What are you guys doing?” I mumbled, pinching my eyebrows together in confusion.

“Don’t worry about it, Jack. Let’s just get lunch.” Cass told me, looking behind her then back at me with wide hazel eyes.

“You guys are hiding something?” I asked them, all of them shook their head and brushed me off giving me a dumb excuse on why they were acting so insane.

“I’m just hungry, we’ve been waiting to go to the cafeteria for 10 minutes.”

“I just totally failed my English test so I’m bummed out.”

“I’m feeling a little bit ill today.”

I shut my locker door and gave them all one last, weird look. Before I got the chance to turn around and start walking the other direction towards the cafeteria I watched Zack emerge from the other side of the hallway that was invisible to me until he passed the human sheild of my friends.

I just assumed they didn’t want me seeing Alex because it would bum me out even more until I saw Zack’s jaw dropped face.

“Whoa!! Since when are they a thing?!” Zack exclaimed, pointing in the direction of Alex’s locker.

I felt my stomach drop to fucking hell.

“Nothing to see here! Lunch time!” Hayley exclaimed, and started pushing me the other direction but I easily pushed her away.

“Don’t look, Jack. Please.” Rian begged me, placing both of his hands on my shoulders, now only his potato head was blocking the view of what sounded like my worst nightmare.

“I’m so sorry about this, Jack,” Cass sounded choked up and I shoved Rian to the side and let my eyes fall on what I thought could only be equivalent to what hell looked like.

My entire body went into shock as I watched Alex with his back leaned up against his locker, with someone else’s arms wrapped loosely around his waist.
It took me a few seconds process and recognize that lean body and long dark hair belonged to Kellin Quinn, who had his hands where mine, and only my my hands ever belong.

I stared at Alex’s happy face, his adorable nose was crinkled up the way it always does when he giggles, smiling so big that his dimples were showing. Kellin leaned in to peck Alex on the lips and pulls away because he was just smiling too damn hard. Kellin muttered something that made them both laugh, and he pressed his lips down on my love’s once again.
Kellin pecked his lips over and over again in a joking way, making Alex giggle between every kiss.


Every time his lips connected with Alex’s it felt like a gunshot in the chest.

Kellin finally locks his lips with his and they started really kissing, making every muscle in my body tense up till I couldn’t move.

I stared in horror as Alex picked his arms up from his side and wrapped them around Kellin’s neck to deepen the kiss, Kellin’s hands on Alex’s hips, dragging his thumb across the exposed skin just above his pants because his shirt always rides up a bit when he reaches up to kiss me.

Or Kellin.

Kellin lightly pushed Alex’s back into his locker as their lips moved together, just making out in front of anyone and everyone.

The entire world fell away as I watched the love of my life locked lips with another man.

“Jack! Breathe!”

I let out the breath that I didn’t know was stuck in my throat, inhaling a small gasp of air.

The thought of Alex with another boy, let alone someone who I thought was my fucking friend, had never came across my mind. He was always so loyal and honest with me, I didn’t even bother giving a fuck about it because I knew how much he loved me.

There was no way I ever could’ve prepared myself for seeing this.

All of the wind was knocked out of me, my heart was racing, my mind was completely blank.

In that moment I realized that me and Alex’s love will forever be in the past.

Another boy would be holding him as he fell asleep, listening to the sweet sound of his snoring, feeling the warmth of his body pressed up against yours with his head laid on his chest.

Another boy got to kiss him on Valentine’s Day, spoiling him with candy and roses that I’ve been dreaming of doing since our first kiss.

Another boy got to drop down on one knee and pull out an engagement ring, promising him to love him till the day his heart stopped beating.

It felt like I was drowning.

A few months ago I was on this safe little boat, sure, there were some rocky waves at times, but it was stable.
I thought that everything was going to turn out fine.

Then out of nowhere, your boat gets flipped over..
The next thing you know, your head is underwater, and you can’t see anything.
Your brain is telling you to stop trying to breath because you’re just going to inhale water, but you can’t just not breath…
The water comes rushing in, into your lungs and stomach, and you find yourself sinking.

The devastation started to set in when I kept replaying the imagine of them in my head, realizing that this wasn’t some joke, this was actually happening.

Alex wasn’t mine anymore, he was Kellin’s.
Kellin fucking Quinn’s.

I felt Rian’s hands on my shoulders shaking me wildly, trying to get me to do something other than stand frozen with my eyes glued to the couple, but I couldn’t move.

I seemed to go into some kind of state of shock watching Alex giggling through the kiss.

Something that was mine was ripped away from me, and Alex seemed to be enjoying it.

A different voice pierced into my mind, causing me to look up with wide eyes.

“Isn’t it great?”

I watched Brendon stroll over to us with an excited smile on his face, gazing at the happy new couple.

“Great?! Are you kidding me? You actually approve of them?” Cass yelled angrily, gesturing to the boys who had their hands all over each other.

“Well yeah, look at them, they’re adorable.” Brendon gushed.

“Alex just had his entire life fall apart. He was betrayed by the love of his life, while he was already struggling with controlling his anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve never seen anyone look so devastated in my entire life-”

“Then take a good look at Jack!” Hayley argued.

Brendon stared at me, for a second I could see sympathy in his eyes but it faded quickly.

“Alex blamed himself for Jack cheating, he sobbed his eyes out for a week straight wishing that he’d never moved here and fell in love, and he’ll probably have trust issues for the rest of his life. Right now, Alex gets whatever the hell he wants.” Brendon explained angrily, glaring at me with eyes full of pent up emotions I knew he still felt for me because of that one night we spent together.

Alex wants Kellin.

The plans I had to get Alex back were useless now, tried thinking about what I could do to make Alex want me again but nothing came to mind.

I remember planning out what I would do if I ever saw another guy with his hands on my beautiful boyfriend, just as a precaution. First of all and most importantly, I would pull Alex away and make sure he was nowhere near the fight I was about to start.
I’d grab the fucker by the collar of his shirt, and punch him in the face so hard hopefully I would be able to hear the sweet sound of his jaw snapping and breaking. He’d fall onto the ground on his knees, crying like a little bitch, trying to grab me to defend himself but he’d be too disoriented so I would elbow him in the fucking face.
I’d stand over his bleeding ass and drive my shoe into his stomach, making him groan and cry out in agony.

I know it sounded fucking horrible, but if any guy lays a mother fucking finger on my Alex he deserves to suffer.

But I felt frozen still.

I had the one thing I wanted, the one person in my entire life that I actually really needed, and I drove him into another man’s arms.
This is not what I fucking meant when I let him go.

I thought he would heal on his own, wait a few weeks to gain some trust in me, and run back to me so we could spend the rest of our lives together.

My jaw clenched with rage as I thought of Alex doing the things we used to do, with Kellin.
Kellin’s hands on his waist, slipping down to cup his ass making Alex gasp and grip onto him tighter. Alex tugging on the collar of Kellin’s shirt, Kellin lifting up behind his head and pulling his shirt off and does the same with Alex’s. Long fingers trail down Alex’s lightly toned stomach and make their way to the zipper of his skinny jeans.

My imagination got the best of me, instantly feeling sick imagining Kellin touching Alex where I touch him.
Smooth and soft places where my hands would go, seeing inexpressibly beautiful parts of him that only I’ve seen, taste things that only my mouth has been on, hearing indescribably sexy sounds that only I’ve heard, that are permanently burned into my mind that turn me on by the fucking memory of them.

I won’t be the only person to have seen Alex in such a mesmerizing state.

I don’t know who I want to kill more, Kellin or myself.

“Kellin is just using him!! Alex is hurt and vulnerable right now making him a perfect target for Kellin to take advantage of!” Cass exclaimed to Brendon.

“He seems like a good boyfriend to me,” Brendon responded with a cocky smile as he gestured to the couple.

Kellin was intertwining his fingers with Alex’s, while in the other hand he held Alex’s jacket, and he pressed his lips to Alex’s nose in a kiss making Alex blush and smile.

A weird feeling bubbled up in my stomach as I closed my eyes and struggled to keep my balance.

Even when my eyes were closed, all I could see was Kellin kissing the love of my life. Nothing was going to make this go away. This wasn’t some nightmare, that I would wake up to in the morning and just hold Alex tighter against me and shower his face in kisses, then fall back asleep.

This was real. I couldn’t do anything to stop it, because it was all my fault.

“Jack?”

I opened my eyes again to see Rian and Zack standing in front of me, their voices sounded weird and muffled.

“Are you okay?” I heard Cass’s voice but she sounded just as drowned out as them.

I could barely hear what Zack said before I turned around on shaking legs.

“It looks like he’s gonna puke.”

I turned the corner and pushed the bathroom door open quickly, hurrying into the bathroom stall and dropping to my knees, ignoring how disgusting the floor could be because I had a million other things on my mind.
I gagged harshly and vomited out of pure shock from what just happened into the toilet, throwing up nothing but bitter stomach bile because I didn’t have anything to eat today.

I panted heavily, clutching my stomach, dry heaving a few more times and spit to get the taste out of my mouth.

The effort it took to reach my hand up to flush the toilet seemed to be the last thing it took to make me break.

A loud sob of agony broke from my lips, I covered my eyes with both and hands and cried. I gasped, trying to feel the oxygen in my lungs again but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t tell if I was breathing, I could barely tell if I was even still fucking alive.

My entire body trembled and my shoulders shook as I let out another cry, bawling my lost love’s name, sounding completely pathetic and shattered to pieces.
My throat felt tight and my head throbbed, heart beating so hard in my chest it was painful.

I panted heavily, throwing my head back and closing my eyes, but the image of Alex in Kellin’s arms didn’t leave me.

I shook my head, sniffling but my nose was too stuffed I couldn’t even breath through it so I inhaled through my mouth, only letting out a shaky hiccuping sound.

I slowly loosened my tight grip on my hair, and wiped my tears from my cheeks with my hands, because I knew that nobody else was going to wipe them away for me.

Notes

.....

oops i accidentally posted this on shut up and kiss me now for a second rip

i am dead
why
why
whywhy whywhy why why why why whyw yhw yhw why

okay i thought that the first chapter where alex found out was the saddest thing i've ever written, but this is defitnely number one saddest thing ever

i've been dreading writing this chapter for forever oh my godddd

i dont even
i cant
im sorry

JACKKKKKKKK
MY BABY


what have i doneeeeeeee
i cant believe i did this to jack im so evil
and why did i do this to alex too
but JACKKKK

AND HES SMOKING AGAIN
AND DRINKING
AND SAD
AHHHHHHH


you guys might want to kill me for saying this, despite how depressing this chapter is i think i did a good job writing on it, at least in the beginning cuz idk i wrote a setting and i usually dont do that because im bad at it but sad chapters bring out the best writer in me lmao

UGHHHHHHHH KELLIN

I CANT WAIT FOR YOU GUYS TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTERS CUZ YOU FIGURE OUT A SHIT LOAD OF STUFF ABOUT KELLIN
HES A MYSTERY AT THE MOMENT I FEEL BAD BUT JUST WAIT



I PROMISE YOU GUYS THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING I SWEAR
IM SO SORRY THIS STORY IS SO SAD



Title Credit- Therapy