*WARNING* Dark, depressed thoughts ahead. Nothing too major but I still feel the need to warn, just in case something might be triggering :(. Please read at your own risk.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I didn’t stay to ask her questions, if that’s what you’re wondering.

As if I’d seen a ghost--which, who was I kidding, I did--I booked it the hell out of that bathroom like there was no tomorrow. I mean, there was no possible way she could’ve been there, so any discussion thereafter would only egg on whatever delusion I was currently experiencing. I wasn’t sure exactly what caused me to see the dream version of Melody; maybe it was my overstressed brain lashing out in rebellion over the welcome back party, or maybe it was the recently prescribed antidepressants (of which I’d switched both brand and dosage) that were doing a bit more than intended. Either way, by the time I made it downstairs, probably looking scared out of my mind, I was far from being in a partying mood.

Needless to say, all Jack had to do was get one good look at me, and he just knew something had gone horribly awry within those few short minutes I’d been alone. He’d looked so worried when I’d separated from the group, and what did I do? I had felt the warning signs, felt the tide begin to turn and yet I assured him I’d be fine. I thought all I’d need was a few short calming breaths and I’d be all set to go back to the party.

Boy, was I wrong.

As soon as my feet reached the final steps of the staircase, I could feel his worried gaze on me like a hawk. I would’ve frowned at him in return for daring to give me such a look, but couldn’t find the strength. I was honestly too shaken from the vision of her and besides, I couldn’t argue that in this case, a worried reaction was warranted.

Wordlessly, Jack pulled me aside before anyone else could ask me about my startled state; though as it just so happened, everyone else had been momentarily distracted by the game on ESPN, yelling at the TV for some unfair call to notice I’d returned.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered, peering at me with calm, steady eyes. I could feel his large hands on my shoulders to keep me from cowering away and avoiding his question.

I swallowed and shook my head roughly. “No, it’s nothing--I’m fine.” I kept my gaze glued to the floor, refusing to meet his warm brown eyes because I knew the second I did, my mind would flash to Melody again and, well, all hell would break loose, pretty much. The rest of the guys would treat me like I was crazy (which, truth be told, I was beginning to doubt myself on my own sanity) and what little was left of my social life would be squashed like a bug.

Jack let out a low growl, his gaze flashing back to the group of our oblivious friends in the living room before pushing me further towards the empty entryway. “Sally, I can see it all over your face.” His frown was firm. “You had another episode, didn’t you?”

I opened my mouth to deny it, but I knew his question was rhetorical. As he’d said, the pain, the anger, the doubt was written all over my face.

He rolled his eyes, his annoyance pointed more towards the situation than at me. He sighed, head hung down in exasperation. “Dammit. I was worried this would be too much...”

“No, I told you, I’m fine--” I stubbornly pulled at his sleeve, despite the thought of continuing such a joyous event tasting sour. “Jack, it was just for a second but I’m all better now.”

I was desperate to prove him wrong; that I really was fine and could actually function like a normal human being, but even then the fresh tears running down my cheek betrayed me. He dropped his shoulders. “Babe,” He raised his hand, fingers brushing the warm, salty tears away with a sad smile. “I don’t want to stress you out. If this is too much for you, maybe we should just go home, alright? And if you wanna try hanging out with them when you’re not so...” He paused, carefully choosing his next words. “...uh, teary, then we can.”

I nodded slowly, sniffling as I allowed my head to dip into his rough, calloused hand. “Okay.” I agreed, my voice small and defeated.

So after awkwardly returning into the living room to naturally confused faces, Jack briefly gave some b.s. excuse about me being exhausted and we said our goodbyes, got in our car and drove home. The ride back was filled with an odd tension, of unsaid disappointment that I hadn’t been able to do such a simple thing as hang out with my friends. We both knew it wasn’t my fault, but it didn’t make it any easier, either. We barely said anything to each other on the short drive. He asked me if I was feeling any better after my panic attack. I told him I was sorry for ruining the party.

Like the trooper he was, he was quick to assure me that I didn’t ruin anything, that no one blamed me for calling it an early night, but for just a second, I could’ve sworn I detected the tiniest hint of doubt in his own words.

I didn’t tell Jack about seeing her.

And before you call me an idiot and a coward, I did have my reasons. Were they valid reasons? Looking back on it, it probably could’ve been up for debate. But the simple truth of it was, I was looking out for him. It may sound stupid, but I didn’t want to hurt him to know that losing Melody had been that devastating to me, so much so that a version of her I’d dreamed up was now beginning to damage my psyche. As it was, when I’d told him about the nightmares, he’d already blamed himself for so much, for leaving me when I’d needed him and ignoring the (now obvious) signs of depression all because he “had to go on that stupid fucking tour”--his words, not mine.

I could only imagine what pain I’d cause him if he knew of my latest roadblock on my road to recovery.

So instead of risking it, I kept him in the dark.

After all, maybe I was overreacting.

Maybe it was a one time thing.

Maybe I was just hallucinating after too much excitement for one night.

Maybe I wasn’t completely losing my mind.

Yeah....maybe.

~*~

The small fall tour came and went, much to Jack’s chagrin. It did little to improve my unstable mood and if anything, I became more of a hermit despite my boyfriends desperate attempts at getting me to socialize. I had three places I’d willingly go: the bus, the hotel and the venue. That was it. No meeting the fans, no hanging out with him during interviews--I couldn’t do any of that. I didn’t want to do any of that. I was crippling deeper into my fears, worried that the one time I agreed to do such things would send those hallucinations back in flying force.

If I stayed away, if I kept to myself and didn’t do anything, she wouldn’t appear. And, if she did come out to torture me, I wouldn’t make a fool out of myself in front of fans and/or interviewers that were bound to label me as crazy. I certainly didn’t need that--Jack didn’t need that.

So after a few short weeks of hiding in the shadows, wallowing in the surprisingly comfortable bunk beds on the bus, I found myself back in Baltimore once more, still stuck in the same damn state of mind I’d been in for far too long. If anything, I was even more down than I’d been before I left, which worried me. I’d been on the same prescription for a while now, and though I’d been improving, I still felt far from okay. The dark feeling of emptiness, of loneliness--a feeling that nothing I did would ever make me feel good again still ached just under the surface, ready to pounce when I least expected.

Jack was confident that the doctors just hadn’t found the right mix of meds, that it’d just take some time, but my mind was wearing thin. It took a toll, all the negative thinking. It was the worst at night, when my mind ran ramped. The nightmares were gone, but it’s replacement was far, far worse. Night after night, I’d find myself arguing with dark thoughts as I lay helplessly unable to press pause as it tormented and berated me. The first night back from tour, though, was the worst.

You’re just holding him back and you know it.

He pities you, and tells you he loves you, but are you really that dumb to think he still cares for you? Hell, you haven’t even had sex since the accident. He’s probably banging a girl behind your back.

Face it, you’re a burden. You should just end it right here. End it all--

The menacing voices would echo violently in my mind until they meshed together in an incomprehensible, ear piercing scream. I’d jolt awake, feeling the familiar feeling of sticky, hot sweat covering my skin as the haunting words branded itself in my thoughts. My heart was pounding, and I was taking deep, desperate breaths through my nose.

Jack stirred awake a second later. “‘ally?” He mumbled, eyes barely open as he’d been in a deep slumber. The first night back from tour, he always slept like a rock, I was surprised I’d even woken him up.

I kept my focus on my breathing, trying desperately to keep from having a full on panic attack. Those words I’d heard, though I knew full well they were all in my head, cut deep. I could feel my heard grow heavy, aching as the meaning behind the most recent jab at me sunk in. Was I really a burden to Jack? Was I really holding him back from enjoying his life?

My not answering him must’ve triggered something within Jack, because his tired eyes shot open and he stared at me with a deep, worried frown. “Another nightmare?” He asked, wasting no time in making slow, soothing circles between my shoulder blades in hopes of calming me down.

I just nodded, not wanting to bother explaining how it’d been far different from my old nightmares. This was torture in it’s purest form. My mind was trying hard as it was to get back to a state of normalcy and here it was, the demons within me fighting back with everything they had and it was like I’d been through those nightmares a thousand times over.

“Shh, you’re okay.” Jack whispered, leaning against me as his strong arms took in my shaking body. I continued trying to calm my erratic heartbeat, but it was damn difficult even with Jack by my side. “You’ll be alright. I’m right here with you...” I could barely feel his lips press against my temple.

You’re just holding him back and you know it. The voice’s taunting words flew back to punch me one last time and my body lurched out a silent sob.

“...I’m right here with you.”

~*~

The following day, Jack seemed oddly focused on something. Normally during his time off, he was very sporadic and his attention span was that of a five year old, so he’d often do twenty different things at least by the time the day was through, just because that’s how his mind worked.

But on this day, things were different. He was on the phone a lot with Alex, for starters, keeping to himself in the spare room. I tried not to eavesdrop, figuring it was about the next tour that would begin in a mere two weeks. I kept myself occupied as best I could, running though yet another TV marathon, this time of yet another classic sitcom, Fraiser. I say this with a grain of salt though, as my wandering mind couldn’t focus long enough to understand the whit and dry humor that usually had me rolling on the floor laughing. In reality, I mindlessly stared at the television screen for almost two hours while Jack was busy planning God only knew what.

It wasn’t until the doorbell rang that my sneaky boyfriend stepped out into the light of day, zooming by me with superman-like speed. From my spot on the couch, I could barely see who it was that caused Jack to suddenly grace my eyes again. But then a brief “hey, what’s up?” and a “thanks, I owe you, man” later, I knew instantly who’d been at the door.

Alex.

Curiosity peeking my interest, I waited patiently as I watched Jack grab what looked to be a rather large plastic box from Alex before closing the door. Almost immediately he set the white box down and crouched to inspect whatever was inside. He glanced over his shoulder, smirking mischievously in my direction. “Hey, I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?” I bit my lips, the possibilities over what the surprise could be already making my skin tingle. I hated surprises before and I most definitely hated surprises now. “What is it?” I asked timidly, stretching my neck in hopes of catching a glimpse of whatever it was he was hiding.

“Hold on a sec...” He turned back towards the box and opened the latch on the side facing the door. Then, once whatever it was was in his hands, he told me to close my eyes. I complied, forcing myself to not peek as I could tell just from his tone of voice that he was genuinely looking forward to giving me the gift. As if on cue, I heard, “You’re not peeking, right?”

His voice was closer.

I shook my head.

“Okay...” He took a deep breath, and I could feel the couch dip slightly as he sat down next to me. “Open your eyes.”

Slowly, I lifted my eyelids to find Jack holding a very small, very wiggly looking puppy. He couldn’tve been older than eight weeks, and by the looks of things seemed to be an energetic little sucker. My heart lurched for the little guy as I’d always had a fondness for dogs, but it was as I was reaching out to pet the puppy for the first time that she chose to reappear, halting me from going any further.

Why would daddy do that? Melody’s sickeningly innocent voice pouted as she seemingly appeared by my side out of the blue. She was peering over my shoulder to get a look at the waggly animal in Jack’s arms. Is he trying to replace me already?

My hand coiled back as I tried my best to act like she wasn’t getting to me.

“What’s wrong?” Jack smiled weakly at me, lifting the puppy to center the dog on his lap. The dog let out a small whine in protest as he probably wanted to go amuck in this new environment he’d been placed in. “Do you wanna hold him?”

I numbly shook my head.

I couldn’t hold the dog, not when she was watching.

Yet despite my refusal, Melody stayed put by my side. I hate him. He never loved me if he’s so quick to replace me. And with a dog! Her big hazel eyes bore deep into my soul as she stuck out her bottom lip. You wouldn’t do that, right, mommy?

“I-I-I, uh,” I stammered, turning my head sharply away from Jack and the bouncy puppy on his lap. “I don’t like dogs.”

Jack’s smile fell. “What? That’s not true. You love dogs, you told me yourself--”

“Nope, I hate them.” I cut him off, shaking my head vigorously. “Can’t stand the filthy things.” I kept my gaze up, knowing that if I stared at that fluff-ball for longer than two seconds, I was a goner.

“Wha...” His shoulders dropped, at a loss for why I’d react in such a way. “Why?”

Because you replaced me. Melody’s voice whispered bitterly and, almost like an echo, I found myself virtually saying the same thing, muttering, “Because you replaced her.”

His face scrunched up in confusion. “I...what?” He suddenly wasn’t so concerned about keeping the dog on his lap as he numbly let go of the young pup, allowing the dog to wander freely among our apartment.

“You replaced her.” I repeated, feeling something click inside me as I finally lowering my gaze to meet his. I couldn’t understand it, but I felt betrayed, oddly enough. I felt like he’d so quickly been able to move on from this tragedy with nothing, not even a scratch. Seeing that dog in our apartment, it was like he even forgot we were going to have a beautiful baby girl all our own.

“Excuse me?” Jack raised a brow, his voice scarily even as it was clear he was trying to control his temper. “I got you a dog. I thought it would help you get better--”

“No, Jack!” I seethed. “He’s a piss poor attempt at making us seem like a family again! But we lost our family, remember? We lost Melody.”

He shot up from his spot, his body tight as his fist stayed clenched by his side. Then, he spun around, eyes like venom and face red in anger. “You know what, I’m sick of this! I’m sick of you acting like you’re the only goddamn person who lost her. I lost her too, alright? I’m so fucking happy that you’re alive but fuck, if I didn’t lose it when the doctors told me she didn’t make it. You don’t know how much I’ve grieved over our daughter because you’ve been so caught up in your own mind to notice!”

“Caught up in my own mind?” I gasped. “You know I’ve been dealing with depression--”

“More like drowning last I checked.” He snorted sarcastically. “You’re only going to get better if you actually try, you know.”

“I am trying.” I fumed.

“Says the girl who got mad over a fucking puppy.”

“I told you why I was mad!”

“And I told you I’m not replacing her!” Jack scoffed. “And by the way, how dare you say that to me.”

“How am I supposed to feel, then?”

“Gee, I don’t know...grateful that I care that much about you?”

“What, did you think that this grateful gift of yours would suddenly make this go away and everything would be fine and dandy like it used to?” I shook my head. “Because I can honestly tell you that from where I’m standing, it’ll never be like it used to be.”

“I know it won’t, but fucking hell, you need to try to move on, okay?! I know we lost her and it’s something we’ll never truly get over, but life doesn’t just stop. We have to pick ourselves up and try, no matter how hard it may be, to continue on without her.”

Though the image of Melody had been long out of sight, the idea of moving on still seemed impossible to me. She had such hold on me, and no matter how hard I’d been trying to heed Jack’s advice, I felt like I was stuck. “I...” I sniffed, my anger slowly deflating me like a balloon. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You have to try.” Jack said, sounding completely done with me as he grabbed his keys from the small ceramic bowl next to the front door.

My gaze shot up to him, eyes wide. “Where are you going?”

He barely looked at me. “I need to get some air." And, before I could utter another word, he opened the front door and left.

Notes

Opening lyrics are from "Broken" by Lifehouse.

Sorry I didn't update sooner...this weekend was weird, wasn't it? First Christina Grimmie, then all those poor people in the nightclub in Orlando...I was a bit numb, to say the least over all the senseless violence. The tragedy with Christina Grimmie especially shocked me because I'd been following her since her youtube channel was still in it's infancy. She was 22, barely getting her name out there and the worst part of it is they can't figure out why. It seems so surreal. Why was the guy so determined to end her life when she'd done nothing but bring joy and happiness into people's lives? I just don't get it.

Please, please stay safe you guys.