Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

I stared blankly at the door, feeling numb. I blinked a few times, wishing that any second Jack would reappear, but nothing changed. I was alone, the eerie silence making my stomach churn in uneasiness.

I’d been an idiot. I let whatever the hell was going on with me get to me and I lashed out. I didn’t mean it, but it didn’t matter. He really walked out.

My heart dropped as everything I’d said, everything I’d done hit me like a ton of bricks. “Shit.” I cursed under my breath, my legs feeling weak. “Shit, I really fucked up...”

A calm, almost amused voice cut through the silence.“Goddamn right you did.”

I spun around to find Jo smirking and arms folded as she leaned casually against a wall. For a second, I was thoroughly confused, as last I checked she was still in LA. I’d hardly talked to her since my breakdown in front of her, and though my bitter feelings towards her had substantially faded, it was still crazy that she’d suddenly show up in my apartment uninvited.

But then, I looked closer and noticed her long dark hair was ombred and the clothes she was currently dawning was substantially less ‘emo’ than what I was used to. I gulped, realizing that this wasn’t really Jo.

“So hallucinating Melody wasn’t enough?” I frowned bitterly at the figure in front of me. My mind was really going down the rabbit hole, wasn’t it? “You’re here to torture me, too?”

She shrugged, pushing herself off the wall. “Hey, I’m just stating the facts, Lawson.”

I let out an annoyed groan, turning my back towards her, hoping that if I ignored her long enough, she’d disappear as quickly as she’d come. “You’re not real.” I mumbled, shutting my eyes as repeated the words to myself. “You’re not really Jo.”

I opened my eyes, and suddenly she was in front of me, face to face with that same stupid amused smirk. “Then why are you talking to me?”

I clenched my lips tightly into a firm frown. “Nope. I’m not.” My eyes shot up to the ceiling as I shook my head rapidly.

“You’re not wrong, you know.”Her slightly raspy voice pressed on, seemingly not concerned whether or not she had my full attention. “You really fucked up big time. I don’t know what you expected, though. I mean, how long did you think Jack would last dating someone as crazy as you?”

Automatically my eyes shot down to shoot a scowl at her, while her smirk only grew. “Knew that’d get you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, because you’re in my head!”

She raised a determined brow. “Then you know that I’m right.”

“No, you’re not.” I shook my head again stubbornly. “Jack will be back.” I paused for a second, adding in annoyance, “And I’m not crazy.”

“You sure about that?”

My shoulders dropped as I suddenly realized my argument wasn’t as sound as I wished. After all, talking to someone I clearly knew wasn’t actually there wasn’t exactly an act of sanity. “I...I...”

She pressed her lips together before letting a sigh escape her small lips. “Don’t you think that maybe you’re seeing Jo for a reason?” I stayed silent despite deep down already knowing the answer. She was just in my head after all. “Jo is confident, sexy--the ultimate catch. They’d be perfect together, and you know it. Jack deserves more than you--more than the pitiful person you’ve become. You’re nothing to him anymore.”

“No. He loves me.”

“He pities you.”She corrected.

“He’ll come back!” I argued, my voice rising as her berating the strength of my relationship began to wear thin.

Yet, she dug the nail deeper. “Face it, you’ve ruined everything.”She shot back, her voice tainted with menace.“You’ve been a fuck up ever since you woke up from the hospital, and it’s been months. Maybe Jack would’ve been better off if Melody survived instead of you--”

“NO!” I screamed, grabbing the first thing I could reach before throwing it firmly towards the ghostly figure in front of me. The item, which happened to be a hard cover book made a loud THUD against the wall before falling harmlessly to the carpeted floor.

I fell to my knees, the emotion pouring out of me like waterfalls. I was sick of feeling this way, sick of feeling helpless, angry, lost--I was sick of all of it.

I just wanted to be me again.

I swallowed, my throat thick as I gulped for air, bracing myself for the continued taunting. It was like my nightmares were seeping into reality, and I didn’t know how to stop it. It didn’t matter if I was alone, it didn’t matter if I ignored them. All I could do was sit and allow the dark thoughts to tease and torture me until they’d have their fill.

...but then, nothing came. My red-tinted eyes shot towards where ‘Jo’ had been only to find she’d vanished. My shoulders drooped, feeling only slightly relieved that she’d gone. Her words still echoed wildly in my mind, sending a shiver down my spine.

Jack would’ve been better off if Melody survived instead of you.

Jack deserves more than you.

You’re nothing to him anymore.

I could feel the hot tears begin to fall in big fat streams, the thought of Jack giving up on me tearing me apart. What if she was right? Was it really the last straw for him? Had I finally pushed him to his limit?

Oh God.

What if I did?

I only cried harder as I sobbed loud and unapologetically into my hands. I couldn’t lose Jack. After everything, if he left me now, I--

I swallowed hard, the thought over what exactly I would do too difficult to bear.

I stayed there on the floor, crying harder than I ever had in my life. I was crying for Jack. I was crying for Melody. I was crying for me. Because honestly, I was terrified. I couldn’t control anything anymore and I felt like I was drowning, grasping for anything that could keep me afloat. I was reaching a breaking point, and I knew it.

I just didn’t know how to fix it.

It was as I was sobbing in a heap on the floor that I suddenly felt a small, cold and wet nose press against my bare feet. I flinched, startled at the odd sensation before looking down to find the puppy staring back at me with wide, curious eyes, it’s short stubby tail wagging a mile-a-minute in excitement.

I sniffed, my heart aching as I’d ignored the young pup ever since succumbing to yet another psychotic episode. “Oh, I’m sorry, little guy.” I scooped up the white fuzz ball with an apologetic smile, feeling guilty for shunning the innocent animal in the first place. I didn’t dare inspect the rest of the house, figuring whatever damage the energetic pup might’ve done to the place only served me right. I held him close to my chest, cuddling his body close to mine as I pet his soft fur. “I’m so sorry for ignoring you.”

As if accepting my apology, his big brown eyes stared at me for a beat before attacking my face with a tiny arsenal of puppy kisses, wasting no time in licking my salty tears away.

“Okay, okay...” I couldn’t help but chuckle as I pushed him away from my face. He tilted his head, looking a blink away from attacking me with love once more. Every inch of his body was shaking with excitement that I was finally acknowledging him, and it only made the guilt that I’d rejected him initially sink further. Here I was, having a mental breakdown and despite me showing no interest in him, he still was trying everything he could to make me feel better.

How could I have said no to such an adorable little guy?

“You are too cute for words, aren’t you.” I chuckled as I observed the dog’s features. He looked to be a boxer mix, with his short, squatty nose and large brown eyes that spoke straight to my soul, though what else he was mixed with, I couldn’t be sure. I watched with amusement as the puppy continued to wiggle in my lap, unable to sit still. Even when he sat down on my lap, his stubby tale would continue to wag in a blur, he was moving it so fast. “No wonder Jack picked you out. You’re as hyper as he is!”

“He’s definitely in the running, isn’t he?” My head shot up to find Jack standing in the doorway, watching me with a weak smile. He softly shut the front door before approaching me.

My hazel-grey eyes widened, for a second scared that it was now round three of my latest string of hallucinations, but let out a breath of relief once I realized no figment of my imagination could physically close a door.

It was really him.

I was admittedly shocked that he was actually there, with me, instead of sleeping with another girl like my stupid nightmares had led to believe. I hated how the idea of him doing such things, asinine or not, were beginning to get to me. “You came back!”

He tilted his head, confusion written over his face. “Of course I came back. I just needed to think for a second before I said something I'd regret--” He stopped, eyeing me carefully. “...did you think I wouldn’t?”

I bit my lip, shamefully muttering, “I don’t know...maybe for a second.”

His shoulders fell as he told me with as much conviction as he could, “Sally, I’m not gonna leave you. Never in a million years.”

Not even if I’m off-the-wall crazy? I wanted to reply, but smartly I kept it to myself. Instead I just nodded, the lump in my throat returning as he knelt down to my level to wrap an arm around me.

“I’m sorry for walking out like that, by the way.” He muttered, leaning close to me as our foreheads nearly touched. I could feel his warm breath against my skin.

“You’re sorry?” I turned my head slightly to meet his dark brown eyes in shock. “I’m the one that should be sorry. I’m the one that got mad over nothing.” I swallowed. “I know you’re not replacing her. I don’t know why I said that.”

He shrugged, allowing a shameful smile to grace his lips. “Whatever the reason, it probably didn’t help that I surprised you.”

I bobbed my head, unable to argue that the surprise didn’t exactly help matters. “Well...no. It didn’t. But it still doesn’t excuse my behavior. You’re right; I really do need to start trying harder.”

“Oh...” Jack’s jaw dropped shocked that I was actually agreeing with him. “Well...okay. I mean, just a little at a time, alright? I don’t want you to push yourself too hard and make everything worse.”

Like it could get any worse?

Outwardly, I managed to force a smile. “Just a little, I promise.”

He nodded, returning my smile as his eyes wandered down to the dog still sitting happily on my lap. “So...now that you’ve warmed up to this little guy, what do you think we should name him?”

I shrugged, following Jack’s gaze down to the still-unnamed animal. “I don’t know. I actually kind of thought you had already picked out a name for him.”

He shook his head. “Nope. I got him for you...I figured I’d give you the honors.”

“And such an honor it is,” I joked lightly, atypical dog names like Spike or Rover flashing to the front of my head. I pursed my lips, thinking hard of the perfect name for him, but nothing of significance was coming to me. “Uh, I take it Fluffy won’t fly until I can come up with something better?”

He laughed. “Come on, you can do better than that.” He nudged my shoulder with his own. “What does he look like to you?”

I lowered my head, inspecting the dog closely on my lap. I stared deep into his cheerfully bright brown eyes, noticing how his fur was virtually all white, his black nose spotted with patches of pink skin that somehow made his goofball amount of energy that much more endearing. I knew he would grow to be a handful, but he’d undoubtedly be loyal to us as he grew to be apart of our tiny family.

That’s when it hit me. Honestly, I was kind of shocked it wasn’t the first name that popped in my head. It seemed so...obvious. “What about Zero?” I turned my head to meet Jack once more.

His eyebrows shot up, taking in the name. “Zero?” He repeated. “Like NightmareBefore Christmas ‘Zero’?”

I nodded.

His lips broke into a wide grin. “Sally, that’s perfect! What do you think, boy?” His voice raised in excitement as he asked the young pup. “Are you a ‘Zero’?” The dog let out the tiniest bark, as if he’d actually understood. Jack laughed. “Zero, it is.”

~*~

We made love that night. Jack was shocked to say the least that I’d suddenly become so affectionate, especially considering he’d hardly touched me in such a way since everything had happened, but I needed it desperately. I needed to feel his touch and more importantly, I needed to feel his love. I needed to be reassured that those words ‘Jo’ had spoken were wrong, that he really did love me. And that night, he certainly showed me just that. He took his time, putting his own needs aside as he carefully enticed every inch of my skin with a burning desire until I was screaming his name into the sky.

I felt like I was on cloud nine, feeling an intense release I hadn’t felt in far too long. For just a few moments, I was free of the darkness, free of the fear. All I felt for miles was love, and I never wanted it to fade.

As I was falling down from ecstasy, Jack reached his own climax. He fell on top of me, completely spent as our hot, sweaty bodies practically molded into one. I held my breath, ignoring the fact that almost his entire weight was on me as I focused on the beautiful moment we’d just experienced. He stayed there for a few beats, sucking in deep breaths through his nose as he tried to calm his erratic heartbeat. “Fuck...” He let out a tiny chuckle as he slowly unpasted himself from me, rolling over so we were both on our backs, nude and completely exhausted from our activities. “I missed this.”

“I know...” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, noting the way bits of his dark black hair were sticking to his forehead in a sweaty mess. “I’m sorry I took so long.”

He frowned, turning so he was now predominantly leaning on his side. “Sally, if we have sex or not, it won’t change how I feel about you. I mean, don’t get me wrong: when I get to have my way with you, it’s so fucking hot, but it’s a plus, yanno?”

I pressed my lips, doubtful if we never had sex ever again that he’d feel the same way about me. I knew as it was, my mood had to be wearing thin with him. Hell, I was getting sick of me. But still, I couldn’t help but smile at his compliment. “You’re sweet.”

He smirked, burying his head in deep into the crevice of my shoulder. I felt his lips pepper slow, delicate kisses against my slick skin, and instantly I felt a shiver run down my spine, my body already itching for round two. He then opened his mouth and I felt his sharp teeth begin to nip at my neck, only enticing my inner desire. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Sally.” He mumbled, his voice reverberating against me as he added softly, “I love you.”

I melted at his words, not doubting him in the least. If I wanted to know Jack’s true feelings about me, well there was my answer. He didn’t pity me or feel like I was a burden. To him, I was still the same girl he met at that show in San Diego. As far as he was concerned, his love hadn’t faded in the least, and I had a feeling no matter what, nothing could change that. “I love you, too.” I pressed a firm kiss to his lips. “So much...”

The corners of his mouth shot up in a wide smile, pleased to hear those three little words returned. Though I’d said it to him plenty of times, in that moment, I think it meant more to the both of us than it had in a long time. Those words were our strength. They always had been.

My tortured mind shot back, the words fake Jo had spat to me echoing so loudly it was practically impossible to ignore.

Jack deserves more than you--more than the pitiful person you’ve become. You’re nothing to him anymore.

I stiffly shook away the memory of the angry words. They were lies. Just lies. Jack didn’t feel that way, and he never would. Just because I was a little lost didn’t mean he didn’t care for me any less.

He loved me.

I just prayed to God it was enough.

Notes

Opening lyrics are from "Unwell" from Matchbox Twenty. Enjoy and don't forget to rate and review. Love you guys! :)