Fear is only in our minds,
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds
but it's taking over all the time.

When Jack suggested we go to Baltimore, I knew there’d be certain stipulations attached as soon as I said yes. I knew him, and I knew just getting on the plane with him and physically going to our second home wouldn’t be enough to please him. After all, I’d been ‘cooped up’ in our place for far too long, and I knew he’d be damned if he allowed me to do the same here.

I knew he’d want me to see our friends. And in all honesty, I kind of wanted to see them, too. Since I’d begun my treatment, the box I’d put myself in felt less like a safe necessity and more like a cage, my own fears keeping me from the outside world. I was a trapped bird and the depression a menacing cat just waiting for the right time to pounce on its pray. I had let my fears of leaving the safety of the apartment, my cage, overwhelm me, and it wasn’t until Jack cleverly came up with the spur of the moment trip to the east coast that my mind, for once, was at ease. Jack had given me the key to my own prison and suddenly there I was, free to explore life’s wonders once again.

Don’t get me wrong. I was still a bundle of nerves on that mid-afternoon flight. I was scared--terrified of relapsing into that depressed state so dark I couldn’t see a way out, but I tried desperately not to dwell on it. Plus, if such an episode did happen, Jack would be just a shout away, so I was good.

...mostly, anyway. I couldn’t deny I was fidgety practically the whole flight, but if Jack noticed, he didn’t say anything. Instead he kept that calm, smiley demeanor that seemed to do wonders for my anxiety. Seriously. All Jack would have to do was flash that wide-toothed, adorable grin of his and in an instant all my worries were forgotten, at least for a few moments. In that instant, all I could feel course through my veins was fluttery, heart-pounding love.

It was during one of these calm moments that Jack decided to bring it up--and I had to give him credit: he managed to wait until we were almost three quarters of the way there before he brought it up even though I knew he was dying to tell me. The way he kept eying me, it was practically written all over his face.

“So...” he began carefully, his dark irises observing me out of the corner of his eye, “How would you feel if Alex and Lisa threw you a party?”

My head turned sharply towards him. I felt my eyes involuntarily widen as the nerves once again came shooting back, full force. So much for keeping me calm.

“A-a party?” I gulped, letting my eyelids shut for a second as I sucked in a breath through my nose. “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” He smirked, laughing softly. “They want to celebrate you getting better, duh.”

I let my shoulders deflate as I opened my eyes with a firm frown. “I wouldn’t say I’m getting better, Jack.”

He rolled his eyes. “I told you, it’s a bit of a roadblock, sure--but it’s nothing we can’t handle cause we’re--”

“Jack and Sally.” I finished with a sigh. My lips flinched upward into a weak smile. “I know. It’s just...” I paused, biting my lip as I lowered my voice so our conversation could be a bit more private. Or, you know, however private a conversation can get on a flight filled with complete strangers. “I feel like I’ve forgotten how to act around them. I used to find it so easy to get along with Alex and Rian and everyone but now...” I swallowed, the doubt taking over, “...now I don’t know if they’ll even like me anymore. I’m broken. I’m--”

“You’re still you.” Jack cut me off before I could say another word. “And you’re not broken, you’re just a bit lost, okay? Trust me, you’re still the same girl I fell in love with, and I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

I glared at him with an unsure frown. “Even though I’m a depressed mess?”

“Hey, first of all, you’re nowhere near being a mess.” Jack corrected me with a firm glare of his own. “And second of all, if you were, I’d be right here to help you pick up the pieces.”

I just nodded, unsure of how to respond to his supportive words.

But before I could even think of a come back, Jack cleared his throat. “...speaking of your, uh, condition...” He lowered his voice substantially, his face mere centimeters away from mine. “...you still want to keep it on the DL?”

I quickly bobbed my head. “It’s not exactly something I should bring up to them, is it?”

“If that’s what you want.” Jack sighed, though I could tell that he didn’t exactly agree with my wishes. He’d told me as much shortly after I’d revealed my depression to him when he’d asked me to talk to Alex, as he’d gone through something similar following some tragic events in his own life back when he was in high school. When I told him I didn’t want to tell Alex or anyone else about my darker thoughts or what I’d been going though, he begged me to change my mind. It would do me a world of good, he said, but stubbornly, I was adamantly against it, determined that I had all the support I’d need with Jack. He, along with Madison were enough to get me through this.

I didn’t need anyone else pitying me. As it was, I already got those looks of worry for far too long. I was done being looked at like a wounded kitten.

“That’s what I want.” I told him firmly. “I don’t want anyone else knowing. I just...I want it to be like it used to. I want to get lost in the moment, to actually enjoy myself.”

Jack let his eyebrows raise as he asked, his voice hopeful, “You mean enjoy yourself like...at a party?”

I narrowed my eyes, stubbornly refusing to cave in despite knowing that’s exactly what I needed. “Well...maybe--I don’t know.” I groaned, annoyed at myself that I couldn’t throw my hands up in the air and just go with the flow like I used to. Why did I have to make such a production over such a simple thing? It was just a party in my honor, to celebrate my return. I should be grateful--humbled that my friends cared so much about me.

The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Tell Alex that we’ll stop by, but please, please ask him not to invite too many people.”

Jack’s own eyes widened, matching the shock written all over my own face. I couldn’t believe I just said that. Despite this, I didn’t take it back, instead keeping silent as my boyfriend assured me, all the while unable to contain his own excited smile, “Oh, yeah, of course. Just the guys, Lisa and maybe Cass, I promise. Nothing big.”

I quickly nodded, oddly feeling a bit more relaxed despite agreeing to the party. “Good.” I let my body fall back into the cushioned window seat, digging my shoulder blades deeper into the blue and grey recliner as I relished into that relaxed feeling, wishing that my out-of-control worry over my imbalanced emotions would dissipate just long enough to let me have fun with my friends, for once. I turned to Jack, feeling a small smile creep up in a weak attempt to assure him of my hesitant, yet totally genuine excitement over seeing the guys again. “I can’t wait.”

~*~

Jack wasted no time in telling Alex the party was a go. I think this was partly due to the fact that he was afraid at any moment I’d change my mind and back out of the whole thing. The party, Baltimore--everything. And, the way I’d been acting, I couldn’t exactly blame him. I’d been so back-and-forth over whether I’d made the right choices, I was beginning to annoy myself.

I did have a history of this. Even before the accident, I was notorious for changing my mind a million times before ultimately deciding on something at the absolute last minute. Even then, it would sometimes take me longer still to feel okay with whatever it was I decided on. It was something I’d done ever since I was a kid, and my hesitant nature was something I’d been unable to kick despite all my best efforts. Even since Jack had become a staple in my life, big moments, from deciding to become a roadie, to joining Midnight, to telling my family I was pregnant were all rippled with my fretting over what to do. And true, having Jack around made these decisions a little easier, as he’d usually coax me in the right direction, but it still didn’t level out the arguments in my head over whether I was doing the right thing.

Now, for instance, I couldn’t shake the worry that I was trying too much too fast--that maybe I should’ve just gone down to the beach like I wanted instead of going all the way across the country to Maryland. Not only that, I’d agreed to go on tour again. A tour! For almost two months.

Granted, if I really wanted to, I could spend most of my time on the bus and I wouldn’t even have to interact with anyone besides the band and the crew, but I highly doubted Jack would want me to lounge around the bus all day considering how hard he’d worked to get me to stop lounging at home. Now, he’d assured me that he wouldn’t be too clingy while we traversed the eastern states, but I knew better. Judging from the way he’d hardly been able to be away from me for longer than a half-hour at home, I’d probably be dragged to any interviews, radio gigs and whatever else he had to do until showtime, at which point someone (I’m guessing Kyle) would be told to keep me company while we watched the band from side stage.

Though this didn’t sound terrible in theory--pleasant even, as I knew depressed or not, I wouldn’t be able to resist watching my boyfriend perform--I knew one bad day could ruin everything. One bad episode and no one would ever look at me the same.

But again, I couldn’t dwell on that, no matter how persistent those worrying thoughts may be. And truth be told, even though I was still struggling to find a balance in my life again, I was getting better. So, as long as I took my meds and stayed calm, I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I was there to have fun, after all, and I couldn’t have fun if I was busy dwelling, now could I?

We arrived at Alex’s house by seven thanks to the change in time zones. As we approached, the sun was just beginning to set behind our friend’s suburban home, leaving the house bathed in a warm, orange glow. Jack went up to the door first, knocking on the large wooden panel a few times before stepping back next to me. He placed an arm loosely around my waist, a silent reminder that everything was fine and he’d be there if I needed him.

I could already feel the nerves begin to fluster, begging to be set free, but I swallowed them down. I was determined to take back control of my life. I would no longer hide, I would no longer wither in self-pity. I could be stronger than that--I was stronger than that. I glanced over at Jack and smiled. Though the flash of teeth was brief and shaky at best, it was still genuine. I was winning, taking control instead of running back to that damned cage I’d put myself in.

It was clear everyone else was already there. Even if I ignored Alex’s car in the driveway and other two vehicles parked in front of the house, the commotion that could be heard from inside the house was enough for me to gather that we were the last to arrive. I could hear Lisa fretting if they’d prepared enough food, while Rian, whose voice seemed substantially closer, asked if anyone knew if I’d mind the Tim McGraw music currently playing in the background.

“You think they heard the knock?” I asked as another few seconds flew by, everyone in the house seemingly oblivious to our arrival.

Jack shrugged before releasing my waist and approaching the door once more. This time, he didn’t even bother knocking. Instead, he chose to yell out, “ALEX! ALEEEEEEX! Stop talking to Lis’ and come let us in!”

The door opened a second later to reveal a grinning Alex. “Hey, you made it!” His attention was directed towards me and before I could resist he had me in a tight, friendly hug. “I hope the flight wasn’t too bad.”

“No, it was fine.” I assured him as he let me go. He exchanged a quick hug with Jack as well. “It was kind of nice, actually.”

“Great!” His grin never wavered. He stepped back far enough to usher us inside. “Well, come on in. We were just waiting for you guys to arrive, actually.”

I followed Jack into Alex’s familiar house and instantly the memory of the last time I’d been there shot through me, trying with all it's might to shoot me down.

As I’d suspected, Rian was next to the radio as we walked in, looking worried that his music selection wasn’t to my liking, though his lips still split into a wide smile as soon as we were in his view. “Welcome back, Chris!” He took two broad steps away from the stereo to give me a tight one-armed hug.

“Thanks.” I laughed, noting how affectionate the guys were being. I guess they’d missed me as much as I’d missed them. “It’s really good to see you again.”

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s great to see you, too.” He paused for a beat, his eyes sparkling as he noted, “You look great, by the way.”

I held back a laugh. He thought I looked great? Not only was I travel-worn, but I’d kept it pretty basic when it came to my looks. Minimal makeup, loose, baggy clothing, and my hair was kept down in its natural waves. Still, I decided to humor him. “Again, thanks.”

“Anytime.”

We chatted casually for a few minutes more, catching up on basic pleasantries before I was lead back into the kitchen where a sight was certainly to be had. The first thing that caught my eye was the large black banner that read ‘Welcome Back, Chris!’ in bold, silver tinted letters. It hung from one corner of the kitchen to the other, just above the counter where everyone else had apparently decided to wait until I arrived. It took a second, but once they all realized I was actually there, the cheering commenced.

Cass was the first to let out a squeal, shamelessly attack-hugging me as she always had. “I’m so happy you’re back!” She told me, her voice extra high-pitched as it was clear she was trying her damnedest not to squeal in my ear. I appreciated this. “We’ve all been so worried about you, especially since we’ve hardly heard a peep from you in months! I mean, Jack fills us in on stuff but we really miss you, you know?”

“Let her breathe, babe.” Rian chuckled softly, pulling Cass’ small body off of me.

She frowned at her boyfriend, but still muttered, her cheeks tinted pink, “Sorry, Chris.”

I shrugged it off. “It’s fine.” I took a deep breath, much needed as she’d practically knocked the wind out of me with her NFL-worthy tackle. I then gave her a small, but honest smile. “I really missed you guys, too.” I turned to the small, tight-knit group of friends I’d grown so close to the past few years. “Really, you guys are the best, and thank you for all of this...” I gestured widely to the bowls of food, the cake on the counter, the banner, the music--all of it. They’d really gone all out just for me. “It’s incredible. I love it--I love all of you.”

“And we love you, Chris.” Lisa spoke for everyone from her spot between Alex and Zack. “We’re soglad you’ve recovered from the accident and we just want to celebrate that with you, if you’re up to it.”

I swallowed. If there was ever a time to chicken out and decide that I wasn’t ready to be social at a party with my friends after all, this was it. I could tell them I wasn’t ready to lose myself in such a moment and call it a night right there. And honestly, after everything I’d been through I’m pretty sure none of them would hold a grudge if I did.

Funny thing was, in that moment, all the fear, all the nerves I’d been fretting over since agreeing to go back to Baltimore were strangely nowhere to be seen. Instead, I felt loved. I felt the unyielding support from my friends and, for the first time in far too long, I felt truly happy.

And you know what? I was ready to have some goddamn fun. So, with all eyes patiently waiting for me to respond, I confidently responded with the widest smile, “Oh, I’m ready to party.”

They didn’t have to be told twice. Before I knew it, the music was turned up (after being changed to something a bit more party-worthy than Tim McGraw, of course), the drinks were passed out, and the party was in full swing. We were laughing, dancing and having the time of our lives.

Jack was ecstatic, naturally, over how well I’d reacted to the party. I was socializing, laughing, and actually enjoying myself, just as he’d hoped I would. “I’m really glad you’re enjoying yourself, Sally.” He told me with a broad, cheshire grin plastered on his face. “I told ya you’d have a fun time, didn’t I?”

“You’ve got me there.” I laughed, something I’d been doing a lot that night, so much so in fact that I could feel my cheeks beginning to get sore. “I’m having a great time.”

“Awesome...” His gaze watched me intently, as if double checking my happiness was genuine. His doubt in my words was understandable, especially considering I’d been so back and forth on the idea. “That’s really great, babe.”

I bobbed my head, letting a few seconds pass before I continued softly. “Thanks for dragging me here.”

His dark eyes widened, shocked that I’d thank him for such a thing. Then, with a shake of his head he brushed it off, smirking, “Well thank you for giving it a chance.”

“What can I say?” I shrugged, winking at Jack in tease. “I’ve never been able to resist an All Time Low party.”

He chuckled. “You sure it’s not just cause you like seeing me make a drunken fool of myself?”

“Nah, you’ve made a fool of yourself when we’re at home plenty of times. Drunk or otherwise.”

He dropped his jaw in mock offense. “Pssh, I’ll have you know I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I rolled my eyes. “If you say so...” I stuck my tongue between my teeth, creating a goofy grin that matched my cheery mood. Then, noting that the party had temporarily stalled as Lisa and Cass had disappeared into the kitchen to get the cake served while the guys had snuck into the living room to check up on the latest baseball scores, I decided to take a breather. After all, if I spent much more time having as much fun as I was, I was a bit worried my jaw would get stuck from laughing so much.

Okay, I knew that wasn’t actually going to happen, but I still needed to take a small break. Which was why I turned back to Jack. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Though his attention had been momentarily caught by the latest scores posted at the bottom of the ESPN broadcast, his head snapped back towards me in worry. “Where are you going?”

I frowned. “...to the bathroom, if you must know.” I raised a brow. “I’ll be just a second.”

“Oh.” His cheeks flushed in embarrassment, his gaze suddenly unable to meet my own. “Okay, sure...”

I knew why Jack had become so worried when I told him I’d be stepping away from the party, even if it was just for a few minutes. A few seconds, a few minutes, it didn’t matter to him. He knew how quickly my bouts of depression could hit, and we both knew it’d take a lot more effort for me to climb back out of those darkened thoughts than it did to fall into them in the first place.

I inched closer to him. “I’ll be fine.” I whispered. I peered at him carefully, his uncertainty written all over his face. I sighed softly, pressing my lips gently against his stubbled cheek.

Then, with one last glance towards my boyfriend, I left the hustle and bustle of the party and made my way upstairs towards the bathroom. A mixture of Cass talking to Lisa and the booming voices of the ESPN anchors could be heard, reverberating through the arched ceiling.

I entered the bathroom and closed the door before letting out a breath. I could feel my heart pounding, from excitement or stress, I couldn’t be sure. After all, I’d agreed to a lot as soon as I’d stepped onto that plane with Jack. I was going from being a hermit to socializing with my friends, going on tour across the country and honestly who knew what else Jack had planned for me.

Truth be told, I was afraid of failing, of succumbing to that dark state of mind again. I just wished I could enjoy myself without worrying about such things. To be able to leave the room for five minutes without Jack fretting that I’d fall off the deep end. I just wanted things to be normal, like they used to. I wanted to be me.

I took another breath, glancing at myself hesitantly through the large mirror in front of the sink. I could still hear the faint hint of the television downstairs and the chatter below. Things are getting better, I had to remind myself. You’re actually trying to have fun. You ARE having fun. It’s better than moping on the couch watching reruns all day, right?

That’s right: I was succeeding. I wasn’t letting my fears and insecurities over my state of mind ruin my time with my friends. I was enjoying myself, catching up with my friends, laughing and all around having a good time. Honestly, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had that much fun. For a second, it was like I truly was back to my old self, as if the past few months had never happened. I was still a twenty year old girl in a band, living life to the fullest with the best group of people in the world.

Suddenly, I felt it. That piercing, gut-wrenching guilt I’d been worried about ever since I’d agreed to go to Alex’s party. How could I enjoy myself so much after everything that’d happened? My baby was dead. How could I move on from something like that? How could I be smiling and laughing like that?

How dare I?

Just like that, it was like all the joy within me was sucked into a vacuum, leaving me feeling empty and hollow.

“No.” I shook my head, stalking up to the sink as I shot my hands out, grasping the edge of the porcelain with a firm grip. “It wasn’t my fault. I’m allowed to move on. I can have fun--”

I froze as something caught the corner of my eye. I could’ve sworn I was alone. Then, I heard it.

A giggle.

I spun around to find the absolute last person I’d expected to see.

Melody.

She was perched on the edge of the bathtub with that same bright smile I had pictured her with. It was as if she’d stepped out of my dreams and into reality, her features as lively as ever. My jaw dropped as I stumbled back, my heart now pounding wildly in my chest over what I was seeing. My head knew this couldn’t be. Not only was Melody gone, but this version of her--that spunky five year old I’d dreamed of back at the hospital, she never got the chance to exist.

Yet, here she was, smirking at me from her spot as she swung her legs back and forth. I blinked, shut my eyes and reopened them, pinched myself--everything I could think of, yet she didn’t budge.

Ignoring my freak out, she lifted her arm and waved at me casually as if I wasn’t completely losing my mind. “Hi mommy.”

I gulped.

Notes

Bet you guys didn't see that one coming ;P

Opening lyrics are from "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence.

Please don't forget to drop me a note on what you thought of this chapter! I love talking to you guys about this. It helps me figure out if I'm on the right track or not lol. After all, I don't want to get boring or lost in the crowd. Enjoy! <3