Thanks To You

I grumbled, prying my eyes open when I fell sideways into something hard. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and blinked a few times, immediately recognizing Mike and Vic's patio when my vision cleared. I furrowed my eyebrows, looking over when the smell of smoke hit me hard. Skinny legs met my gaze and I lazily glanced up to see Jaime sitting in the cushioned chair currently holding my weight.

"Aye, sleepyhead." Jaime greeted, rubbing his hand through my hair.

I grunted, leaning more on the legs of the chair before I let my head drop back down so my chin met my chest. My eyes met a bright pink, short sleeved button up with white polka dots scattered around it covering my torso. I scoffed to myself, looking down to my crossed legs and finding faded blue skinny jeans covering them. I grimaced at the bloody ace-bandage wrapped around my knee before my attention was drawn to feet stopping in front of me covered in pizza socks. I looked up, finding Mike grinning down at me with two beers in his hand.

"Hey, buddy." He greeted, plopping down and crossing his legs to sit in front of me.

I sighed, cringing at all of the different tastes in my mouth. Licking my dry lips, confusion shot through me when I tasted blood immediately after moving my tongue.

"Ow, shit." I grunted, my tongue feeling heavy.

I frowned, poking my tongue out and bringing my finger to where it felt like it was throbbing only for Jaime to smack the back of my head.

"Don't touch." He scolded. "Tracey pierced it the other night so it's still healing."

I frowned, pushing my tongue up to the roof of my mouth after the word piercing left his lips. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to recollect anything from the previous night only to come up with nothing.

"Fuck." I sighed, feeling a small ball rub against the smooth surface. "Who the hell keeps letting me get these? And who the fuck is Tracey?"

I scowled, glaring at Jaime's laughter at my words. It sounded like I had a lisp. Rolling my eyes when he continued to laugh, I focused on the smell radiating off of my body. It was surprisingly good, like really good.

"She also gave you a shower this morning." Jaime pointed out as I lifted my arm to smell my armpit. "You were still drunk off your ass. She took a liking to you the past few days."

"Days?" I coughed, closing my eyes at all of the aches filling my body. "Why the hell am I dressed like a hipster?"

"Yeah. You, Mike, Vic, and some of Vic's other friends have literally been drinking for I don't even know how long. I lost count." Tony spoke in disappointment as he joined us outside. "And I don't know, but you look nice."

I remained silent as the familiar sickness churned in my stomach. It's very unsettling to supposedly be drunk for days and have no memory of any of it. I swallowed thickly, ignoring the stinging in my tongue as I wondered again who the hell Tracey is.

"Dude, we've got to get started soon if we're gonna try and make it." Jaime advised, running his fingers through my hair again.

I hummed, laying my head against his thigh when I processed his words. Make it where?

"What?" I asked curiously, looking over at Mike and finding him equally confused.

"Yeah, Hime. What're you talking about?" He chuckled, taking a sip of his beer.

"Are you two fucktards serious?" He exclaimed.

I whined, feeling his fingers tangle into my fringe as he pulled them away. I rubbed my head, keeping still against his thigh while I shrugged.

"I don't even know what the last thing I remember is, dude." I commented dryly, holding my hand out for the other beer in Mike's grip.

He handed it over and I eagerly took a sip to get rid of the dryness in my throat.

"If you don't remember agreeing to it, I'll beat your asses." Jaime warned with a groan. "Okay, so we all talked about music and band and shit and Vic said we should start a band. Tour the world and shit, y'know?"

I swallowed, coughing on the bits of liquid stuck in my throat before sitting up to help calm myself down. A band? Start a fucking band and tour the world? I ran the words over in my mind before I burst into laughter along with Mike. We'd never make it doing that. There's no way in hell we would get anyone to listen to us.

"What's so funny, assholes!" Jaime shouted.

"You think we could be a band that actually makes it." I breathed out, holding my aching side.

"Yeah!" He defended. "We talked about it! I would be the bassist and Mike would be the drumer and Vic would play guitar and you would be the singer. You're really fucking good dude."

"What makes you think that would really work out, Hime?" Tony chimed in calmly.

"Because Vic and I are out of school already and senior year is almost over for Mike and you." Jaime explained. "If we really wanted it, like really were serious, I think we could do it. Especially if Alex sings for us. He's got a great set of pipes on him."

I bit my lip, nervous butterflies filling my gut at the compliment. I've never really thought about anything like that before. Being in a band. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be good enough to do that. I mean, music is my life and one of the only reasons I get myself to show up at school, but trying to make it big time? I love singing and playing guitar but I never thought about getting anywhere with it. It just all seems so rare to actually happen.

"I mean, yeah." Tony agreed, knocking me out of my thoughts. "If you are all serious about it, it could work and Alex is expelled so he's technically done too. Unless he enrolls in another district next year."

"Shit, I'm expelled?" I jumped in, stomach churning sickly. "When the fuck did that happen?"

"Damn, you've really been fucked up good."

I bit my lip, looking back towards the open back door just as Vic walked out with his bong in hand. I nodded in agreement, a strong wave of guilt hitting me while I failed to remember anything that happened lately. I can't even remember the last time I was sober besides right now and I'm pretty sure that's about to change any minute after Vic passes that around.

"Yeah, you got caught drunk off your ass last week when I dropped you guys off. I guess you went home with your buddy Jack or something, I don't know. You didn't explain much." He announced, walking over to the free chairs around the table with a girl right behind him. "I gotta new bag of green for us to try out."

I cleared my sore throat and nodded, looking over the chick I've never seen before. She was short and had bleached hair ending at her shoulders. She was also on the thicker side with big tits popping out of her slutty black dress with anchors printed all over it.

"Yo, Al." Jaime whispered down to me.

"Hm?" I hummed, looking up with an eyebrow raised.

"That's Tracey." He revealed, winking down at me before leaning back in the chair.

I rolled my lips together, turning my attention back to her as she sat down in a seat next to Vic. She winked at me, leaning over the table just enough to show off the large amount of cleavage formed from having her arms crossed over the glass. I swallowed thickly, my shoulders tensing as everything started to spin around me. I gulped, feeling my stomach tighten harshly before I was swallowing down the spit pooling in my mouth.

"Lex, dude. You look sick as fuck." Mike noted, as I struggled to keep myself calm.

"Mhm." I mumbled, closing my eyes as I leaned back into Jaime.

I grimaced, the thick saliva filling my mouth more with every breath I struggled to take in. I gulped, holding my stomach tightly in attempt to make it stop twisting. Fuck, what is wrong with me? What have I been doing? I'm kicked out of school, I've seen Jack-shit. I was with Jack and I don't remember anything. What if I told him something? What if I tried to make a move on him? Fuck, have I talked to him since then? Does he know what I've been doing? Apparently I've been doing Tracey over here. I don't even know.

"Here, Al."

I snapped out of my distraught thoughts, looking up to see the purple bong held over me. I sighed, reaching up and carefully taking it from Jaime's hands. I sniffed, clearing my throat before I brought it to my lips. I closed my eyes, sucking in a long hit before leaning forward and passing it off to Mike. Holding my breath seemed to help me relieve the anxiety filling me just a little and I attempted to relax back against Hime as I slowly puffed the thick smoke out. I closed my eyes, smiling as Hime continued to run his fingers through my hair as the bong was passed around until it needed to be refilled.

"So are we really gonna do this band thing?" Vic asked, breaking the comfortable silence. "'Cause that'd be bad ass."

I breathed in deeply, loving the familiar buzz of being high take over me. I feel free, like when I'm drunk. There's no worried thoughts, no regrets, and no feelings of guilt. My anxiety feels non-existent and that's probably the reason I love doing this the most. It keeps me relaxed and lets me have fun without thinking too much. I grinned, looking up to everyone circled around the table, shrugging my shoulders before I turned to Mike's concentrated face.

"You guys are really serious?" He asked, resting his head over his hands. "I love playing the drums, but do you really think we could do it?

"Hell yeah!" Jaime cheered, slapping my forearm when I shrugged.

"You guys should do it." I stated slowly, nodding my head. "You're all good."

"You're a great singer and guitar player." Jamie frowned at me. "Give yourself some credit, dude."

"Yeah, but Vic can sing." I pointed out, taking the bong as Mike passed it around to me again. "You guys don't need me."

"No, I'm a good screamer." Vic corrected as I took a long drag. "I don't think I could scream for a full concert though or come up with lyrics and honestly, if we're gonna be a band then I think we would be better of straying away from the metal shit."

"Yeah, there's so many screamo bands and they're all the damn same." Tracey joined in for the first time since she sat down. "No one can understand them and most of the time they suck playing live."

I held it in, passing it up to Jaime. I let it out shortly after, resting my head between his knees for a nice pillow. They really want to do this. Mike's a beast on the drums and Vic is very skilled on guitar. Jaime can do anything with a bass. Maybe I should just go for it, if not for me then for them.

"You guys need to all play together and see if you work well with each other first." Tony joined in. "You'll have to see if you can really be a good band together before you get all excited."

"Yeah, he's right." I nodded along, pulling my knees up to my chest lazily.

"Okay, let's try it out tomorrow then." Jaime suggested.

"Yeah."
"I'm in."
"Good idea."

I sucked my lip ring into my mouth when everyone went quiet, turning they're eyes to me. I shrugged, nodding my head in agreement.

"I dunno if I'm what you guys are looking for." I mumbled. "I'll see how it goes though."

"Yes you are!" Mike shouted in protest. "You're my best friend, of course you're what we need."

I bit my lip, feeling dizzy as the words repeated through my mind. Best friend. Mike's best friend. Jack is supposed to be my best friend. Shit, I'm supposed to be Jack's best friend. What kind of fucking best friend am I? I don't even know what hes doing right now. I don't even know what I'm doing right now agreeing to this band thing.

"If you still feel like you're not right for it when we practice tomorrow, we can't force you to join." Jaime frowned, pulling me away from my mind.

"Yeah. Like I said, I'll see how it goes." I agreed emotionlessly, ignoring their cheers all around me as my thoughts wondered back to Jack.

"Yeah buddy!" Vic shouted, clapping his hands together. "I'm almost positive it'll be great.

I chuckled at their excitement, grabbing my Bud Light from next to me and taking a long drink of it.
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I hissed, staring back at my shitty reflection in the small bathroom. My eyes had black circles under them, my tan face was unusually pale, there was a fresh purple bruise forming over the old one under my right eye while a really fresh bruise formed over the outline of my jaw. I sighed, frowning at myself as I ran my fingers through my messy hair before poking out my tongue again. It was a little sore, but didn't feel anything like the pain in my whole body right now.

I grabbed the small bag of ice from the small counter and licked my lips before pressing it over my left side, hissing at the cold hitting the bare skin. I sighed in relief, feeling the throbbing ache dull just a little under the coolness. Maybe if I would've cared more about school and been more careful, I wouldn't have gotten my ass beat. I probably shouldn't have disappeared for days either. That just made it worse for when I got back home last night. I groaned, feeling a repetitive vibration against my ass. I sighed, leaving the bathroom and pulling the phone from my pocket.

"'Lo?" I answered lazily, wincing as my jaw moved.

"You're a fucking asshole."

I frowned at Rian's angry voice, pressing the ice against my side harder as I sighed. Og course he would call me an asshole. I've been a shit friend lately and I don't even remember the last time I actually talked to him.

"Tell me something I don't know." I mumbled, in the mood to sleep the day away.

"You told Jack you loved him just so you could get some and then you sent him pictures of you in bed with some other whore." He replied bluntly.

I choked on my spit, eyes widening as the phone slipped through my fingers. I coughed harshly, hurriedly catching the phone before it could shatter for good. I bit my lip, trying to ignore my racing heart as I pushed the phone back against my ear.

"What?" I managed to get out rather calmly.

There's no way I said that to Jack, no fucking way. And sending him pictures of a whore I was-oh shit. I bit my lip, dropping the bag of ice to the ground to hold myself up against the wall beside the couch. Tracey. The girl I've been told I got close with the past couple days. The girl I completely ignored last night. Wait, why would I send Jack pictures of that?

"No-" I protested, only to get cut off.

"You fucking did, asswipe. I have the proof. Jack sent me screenshots." He retorted. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

I gulped, feeling my heartbeat start to pick up. No, I wouldn't do that to Jack. I wouldn't say that to Jack. I would never let myself do that. I would know if I told him that. I squeezed my eys shut, scattered memories filling my brain. I gulped down the lump in my throat as my stomach churned anxiously, face paling as the other day played back in my mind. Jack told me he hates me and to get the fuck out of his house. Why would he be so upset unless I really did something fucking idiotic like confess my love for him? But that couldn't have been through text if I was supposedly there all night-

"Alex?" Rian called.

I licked my dry lips, feeling my chest ache while my breath got caught in my throat. I coughed, trying to breathe in slowly and failing. Black dots clouded my vision and I could feel myself shaking. My head started pounding harder the more I wondered what the fuck I did. I can't seem to remember anything after chugging all the shots down.

"I-I..." I stuttered, clawing at my throat when it felt like it was constricting.

I dropped the phone to the ground, stumbling into the wall as my shaking fingers clutched at my bare chest. I could feel my heart pound hard against my hand while my lungs started to burn from lack of oxygen. I let out some kind of sound, eyes watering while I struggled to breathe regularly. I closed my eyes and sunk to my knees, attempting to sit back on my ass with my knees pressed to my chest. I rested my arms over my kneecaps and forced my head down, opening my eyes to stare at the grey carpet between my feet only for the corners of my vision to go out. I closed my eyes tightly, the dots and blurs around me making me want to throw up while I tried to focus on calming down. The aching in my lungs grew and sent my brain into a whole new state of panic. I gasped for air, barely feeling pain as my fingers moved to tangle in my hair.

Shit, fucking idiot! I said something to Jack and now he wants nothing to do with me! He's done with me forever. He never wants to see me again. I've lost my best fucking friend over something I should've pushed so far down and away and what am I gonna do-

"Alex!"

My back hit the wall, the pressure on my shoulders forcing me to sit up straight. I opened my eyes, barely able to see anything in front of me as black started filling my vision. My hands were pulled from my hair as I struggled to breath before my body hit something warm and soft. I sputtered, feeling myself fall back and forth while my ear was pressed against something hard. I blinked, squinting when I heard soft thumping. I swallowed dryly, the tension starting to fade when the calm thumping got louder in my ear.

Suddenly my vision was clearing and I was able to hear myself breathing shakily. I swallowed, trying to sit up only for something to hold me in place. I breathed in deeply, smelling something familiar and comforting while my body seemed to relax weakly.

"In, one two, out."

I followed the directions silently, holding my side lightly as my breathing finally became steady. I sniffled and moved to wipe my eyes only for another set of thumbs to wipe the water from underneath them for me. I jumped, sitting up and turning to find Rian kneeling next to me barely an inch away.

"You scared the shit out of me." He said softly, running his hand through his short brown hair. "I'm glad I was already almost in the parking lot when I called. You definitely didn't look good when I got in here."

I frowned, slouching my shoulders and leaning back into the wall. Shame filled me, making me want to be alone and in my bed. I hate this. I fucking hate having anxiety. I fucking hate panic attacks. What I hate the most is when someone catches me like that. I hate that my friends see me like this.

"Don't beat yourself up over me being here with you." Rian scolded, knowing the thoughts running through my head. "Can you stand up?"

I bit my lip, taking in another deep breath before forcing myself to my feet. I cringed at the ache in my side mixed with the soft pounding in my head. Sighing, I bent down and grabbed the ice by my feet and held it back over my side hesitantly.

"What're you doin'ere." I croaked out, slowly trudging to the kitchen.

"I was coming over to talk to you because I haven't seen you in months and I miss you." He replied, following me as I walked over to the packages of water on the peeling counter.

I frowned, guilt sparking inside me for a split second while I pried a water out of the package. I sighed, untwisting it and shakily holding it to my lips. A tense silence fell over us as I gulped down the water, not stopping until it was gone. Once I drank every last drop, I dropped the bottle on the table and slowly turned back to Rian.

"What caused you to freak out?" He interrogated once he saw I was finished drinking. "Don't lie to me either. You've been on edge for a long time now."

"It's nothing." I blew off, shrugging my shoulders lazily. "I'm just not myself right now and I'm sorry, okay?"

"No." He argued, shaking his head. "Not okay. I'm one of your best friends, Alex. If you haven't been feeling yourself, you should be talking to someone about it. Like me or Matt or Jack-"

I winced at the mention of Jack, nerves making my stomach tingle when it didn't go unnoticed.

"What's going on, Alex? Seriously. Partying is fun, I get it." He started. "Getting drunk every day? That's not fun, dude. Feeling like your best friend wants nothing to do with you anymore isn't fun either."

"What do you want me to say?" I groaned, holding my head in my hands as thoughts whirled around rapidly. "I don't know what to do."

"You can start by explaining why you're acting like this." He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Or why you look like you got your ass handed to you. Or why you texted that shit to Jack."

I gulped, feeling anxiety ignite through me once more as all of my mixed thoughts and feelings came to the front of my mind. I shook my head, trying to force them away, feeling my eyes sting.

"I can't talk about it." I refused, running my hands over my face. "I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. That wasn't my intention at all-"

"What was your intention then?" He pleaded.

"Rian, I can't-" I attempted.

"You can." He disagreed. "Alex, come on. You're my brother. I love you. Let me help you. I just want to help you get through this."

"There is no getting through it." I snapped through gritted teeth, pulling at my hair.

"Alex-" He pried.

"I love Jack." I blurted, ignoring the way his eyes widened. "I really fucking love Jack. Like the kind of love you have for Cass? Yeah."

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, feeling like some weight was lifted from my shoulders. I frowned to myself, nervously watching him stare at me in surprise. I gulped, feeling better about finally saying it out loud but feeling scared at the same time. What if Rian says something now? Shit what the hell did I just do now?

"I think you should go." I whispered, biting my cheek.

"Lex, I think we should talk about this." He frowned, making me feel sick.

"No-I can't. Fuck, I should've kept my mouth shut." I panicked, spit pouring to the front of my mouth after what I just did sunk in. "I-just go. Please."

I swallowed thickly, grimacing at the tingling in my jaw. I shook my head when he opened his mouth and pointed towards the front door silently, feeling my eyes burn worse when he sighed and turned his back to me without another word. I sniffled, biting my tongue harshly until I heard the front door shut before I was rushing over to the sink and letting the water burn back up my throat.

"What the fuck did I do?" I whispered, resting my forehead on the cool counter while my stomach continued to churn.

Notes