Thanks To You

I blinked, pulling the door handle and shoving the door open without a second to spare. Cold air pierced through my thin clothes, spurring me to move faster as I stepped out of the suffocating space. I slammed the door closed and walked around to the trunk, cursing Joe out in my mind when he waited painfully long seconds to pop it open. Once the latch clicked, I pulled it up and grabbed the gas can from inside.

“I meant what I fucking said, Gaskarth.” He called from his window after I shut the trunk. “And don’t even think about bringing that back empty.”

I pressed my lips together tightly, barely getting back around the car before he sped off like a fucking maniac. Shivering, I hurried over to the driver side of my car and felt a wave of panic wash over me. Setting the gas can by my feet, I furiously patted my pockets in search of my keys only to come up empty-handed.

“Fuck.” I hissed through my chattering teeth.

Angry tears burned the corners of my eyes and I groaned in frustration, throwing my hands onto the door roughly. Heaving a sigh, I swallowed the lump in my sore throat and pushed myself off of the door. Scooping the gas can up, I walked down to the end of the car and pulled the lid to the gas tank open. Popping the cap off, I focused on pouring the contents of the gas can inside instead of everything going on in my head. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and held it in while the gas pouring into my tank accompanied the wind. I swallowed thickly, shaking the funnel off a bit before tugging it out and dropping it by my feet. The harsh wind burned my eyes as I twisted the cap of the gas tank closed, all of my stress rushing back to me when I realized that I’m still fucking stranded here.

“Stupid ass mother fucker.” I grumbled, kicking the gas can across the parking lot angrily.

I raised my arms up, crossing my hands over the back of my neck while I paced back and forth. Joe’s words replayed in my mind as the minutes passed and the cold started to get more bearable as my head spun. I ignored the pins and needles settling from my ears to my toes and leaned back on my door. I crossed my arms over the roof and leaned my head down, my gaze dropping to my door out of instinct. I stared, confused on why it looked so different until I noticed the lock pulled up.

“Fucking hell.” I whispered, stepping away and giving the door handle a light tug.

It opened easily and I scoffed, wanting to smack myself in the face for being so damn stupid. Rolling my eyes, I dropped down into my seat and pulled the door shut. Chills racked through me and I hissed, trailing my eyes all over in search of the keys. I sighed, looking into the cupholder and finding them thrown inside carelessly. I pulled them out and shoved the right key into the ignition, bringing my baby back to life and cranking the heat up all the way. Looking back to the gas gage let me know I owe Joe a half tank’s worth of gas. Scowling, I looked to where my belongings were spilled over the front seat and picked up the t-shirt closest to me. My wallet appeared and I laughed in surprise, pulling it into my lap and opening it up.

“Shit.” I muttered, coming up with a total of five dollars in cash.

I furrowed my eyebrows, opening the all of the folds and finding nothing but my shitty license picture. I cursed under my breath, looking around hastily in search of my phone. I found it in the center council with a stash of at least twenty cigarettes. Humming, I pulled out a thin stick along with the lighter thrown in the mix and shoved it between my lips. Breathing in, I lit the end and inhaled as deep as my throat would let me. I coughed a bit, the nicotine intake burning as it seeped in while smoke clouded around me. I pressed my lips around the cigarette, breathing out the smoke and immediately sucking more in while I continued to rummage through all of the shit strewn everywhere. My phone charger made its appearance by my foot and I pulled it up, immediately shoving it into the car charger connected under the radio.

“Ah-ha.” I cheered, finding my phone on the passenger side floor.

Leaning over to snatch it, my fingers brushed the bag underneath it and the sounds of glass clinking together graced my ears. I pulled my phone up and plugged it in, listening to the chime of it plugging in correctly before I leaned back over. I ignored the ashes falling down my hand and pulled the bag open, a surge of happiness filling my chest at the sight of whiskey and tequila that I left untouched. Taking another hit off my cigarette, I ignored the urge to take a few swigs and closed the bag back up before forcing myself to sit back in my seat. Twisting the radio knob, I allowed the blasting music to overpower the rest of my thoughts and pushed my door open to get the stupid gas can before my ass gets handed to me for losing it.
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I slowed down, turning the music down as I stopped along the familiar curb. Shoving the gear into park, I sighed heavily and switched the engine off. Joe’s car sat parked where it was before we left, accompanied by Jack’s mom’s car and the thought of going back in there actually had my stomach churning more than it was when I woke up. I grimaced at the thickness stuck in my throat as I swallowed, dropping my gaze back to the black plastic bag on the passenger side floor. Sniffing, I wiped under my stuffed nose and grabbed my backpack from the passenger seat to gather my shit back into it. Yanking my charger from the car, I shoved it inside along with my phone and wallet before my eyes fell back to the tempting bag. Biting my lip, I ignored the pain and found myself reaching down. I slipped my hand in, pulling out the three-quarters of whiskey and easily slipping it into my bag. I grabbed my shirts and a pair of jeans, shoving them inside and on top of the bottle before pulling the zipper closed.

Pushing my door open, I tucked my keys into my hoodie pocket and slowly pushed my door closed. Licking my dry lips, I slung my bag over my shoulder and looked to my feet awkwardly. I sighed, hating the dread filling me just from standing outside of what’s supposed to be my best friend’s house. The house I’ve always stayed at when I was having a shitty day or when things got too much for me to want to deal with at home. Now I don’t have a home to go back too, I fucked up my friendship with deep feelings I can barely understand and his brother wants me to disappear like I’ve been doing the past few months but forever this time.

“Fuck.” I mumbled, rubbing the bridge of my nose while I pulled my car door back open.

I coughed, pulling another cigarette free from the center council and grabbing the lighter before closing everything back up. I shoved it between my lips and cupped my hand to shield the flame while it caught the thin paper. I inhaled, instantly calming down a bit as I leaned on the hood of my car. I blew the smoke out in circles, contemplating what the fuck I’m even doing here. Joe wants me to bail when my dad gets back and he’s not coming back, so why should I stay? Shaking my head, I took a few long inhales and tossed the burning butt into the street. Sighing, I watched all of the smoke leaving my mouth fade into the air before slowly trailing up the driveway.

“Oh, thank God.”

I jumped, watching the front door open up all the way without my hand touching it at all.

“I was starting to get worried,” Mrs. Barakat continued, ushering me into the warmth of the foyer. “Joe told me you didn’t want him to wait for you, but it was taking a while.”

“Yeah,” I nodded half-heartedly, biting the inside of my cheek. “Took a little bit to get the car started.”

“The cold will do that, won’t it?” She smiled, closing the front door. “Jack is upstairs.”

I nodded, taking my time kicking my damp shoes off beside everyone else’s. Clutching my backpack strap loosely, I wiped my wet feet on the carpet beneath me and slowly inched towards the stairs.

“Are you feeling okay, honey?” She pampered, suddenly all in my space again while she pressed her hand up into my forehead. “You’re pale and sweaty.”

“Fine.” I answered, itching to pull the bottle out of my bag already.

“I’ll call the doctor about what you can take, alright? Go on up.” She urged, pushing into my back.

I licked my lips, stepping up onto the stairs without procrastinating any longer. My fingers twitched as I grew closer to the top and I frowned, wishing I would’ve grabbed another smoke. Sucking in a breath, I turned down the hall and stopped outside of Jack’s bedroom. I lifted my hand, hesitating slightly before I pushed his cracked door open. I stepped inside, immediately looking over to his bed where I found him jumping up onto his feet. I gulped, staring back into his concerned eyes briefly before my fluttering gut forced me to look away.

“You’ve been gone almost an hour.” He addressed, passing behind me and closing the door.

“You told your mom I didn’t take my meds.” I replied, stating another clear fact while I stood in the middle of the room. “Haven’t since I was fifteen.”

“And it’s no wonder your mind is all over the place.” He said, suddenly back in front of me. “It was easier to tell her that then explain what really happened.”

“Okay.” I shrugged, looking down to my bare feet.

“Seriously?” He scoffed. “I had to lie to my mother and spit out some shit about you locking yourself out and your dad being gone for the weekend and all you have to say is okay?”

“You want me to thank you?” I asked, biting my lip at how snippy it came out.

I blinked, looking up from my feet when I was met with silence. Warm brown eyes met mine and the hurt look crossed over his face made a pang of guilt surge through me. Swallowing down my apologies, I stood up straight and tried to think about anything other than how good he looked in lazy clothes. Averting my eyes, I clutched my strap tighter and felt my shoulders tense.

“I need you to stop being so weird, Alex.” He responded finally. “I know you and this awkward, closed off asshole is not you. Neither is the alcoholic you are.”

“I’m not an alcoholic.” I defended quickly, keeping my gaze on my feet.

“When’s the last time you were completely sober?” He questioned, making my fingers twitch. “Not including today.”

“I don’ feel good.” I implied, moving my right hand over my stomach.

“You should take a shower.” He sighed, lifting my gaze back up when his hand slipped around my elbow.

I cleared my throat, allowing him to twist me around and pull me back towards his door. I slipped out of his grip after he pulled the door open with Joe’s words fresh on my mind. Biting my cheek, I followed a few steps behind him and avoided looking anywhere but the floor in front of me. The bright light from the bathroom lit the dark hallway and I heaved a sigh, really starting to feel sick from everything spinning in my head. I walked into the bathroom, cringing as the music coming from inside made my head throb even worse.

“I can do it.” I protested loudly, watching Jack lean into the shower curtain.

I went ignored, the squeak of the knob twisting barely heard over his iPod before the streams of water echoed along the small room. Sighing, I set my backpack over the bathroom counter and felt my heart skip a beat when the bottle of whiskey made a loud clanking sound. I glanced up in the mirror and found Jack still changing the water, thankfully oblivious while he sang along.

“You can use my razor.” He permitted, stepping away from the curtain and closer to me. “Please. You actually look homeless.”

“What’s goin’ on?”

I leaned back into the counter, pressing my lips closed tightly while Joe’s head popped through the opened door. I kept my eyes locked on the side of Jack’s face, ignoring the burning settling in my own while Jack pulled the curtain all the way closed.

“I’m reminding Alex how to use a shower.” He joked, pointing his finger at me. “You better be in here at least twelve minutes or I won’t believe you actually used soap.”

“He’s got a lot to wash away.” Joe added ruthlessly, punching my shoulder harder than it probably looked. “I give it at least twenty.”

I kept my mouth closed, barely catching Jack’s furrowed eyebrows before Joe was stepping inside and pulling him back towards the hall. I watched silently, just as tense as I was before even after Joe pulled the door shut. Once the click sounded in my ears, my body turned to face the counter and I practically ripped my backpack open. I pulled the clothes out hastily and immediately curled my fingers around the short neck of the wide glass bottle, popping the cap of with a loud cough to disguise the sound. I tilted my head back, swallowing a long gulp with my eyes squeezed shut. I hissed as it burned down my throat, nearly coming back up the second I swallowed. Gritting my teeth, I twisted the lid back on and set it back into my bag to deal with after I warm my bones up. I knocked my shorts and boxers down easily, pulling the hem of my t-shirt up and yanking the hoodie off with it. The beanie fell off of my head as I dropped the shirts to the ground and I kicked everything towards the corner before jumping into the steaming shower.

I sighed, instantly drenching my head under the hot water while I pressed my hands into the cold tiled wall. I rinsed my tingling mouth a bit, tilting my head back down while I closed my eyes calmly. The steam mixed with the water hitting me everywhere made me feel a lot better and definitely a lot less cold. I could feel my toes again and the heat seemed to be melting some of the tension in the back of my neck away. Leaning more under the long streams, I brushed my shaggy hair back and ran the water over my face before turning my back to the showerhead. Licking my lips, the sting alongside my piercing made itself know and Joe’s words rang through my mind for the millionth time. I frowned, feeling sick as Jack’s wide eyes flashed before my mind. Shame, guilt, and regret made heat rush up the back of my neck.

And nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I sniffled, coming back to reality when I felt my heart stutter. Blinking hard, I realized the water burning my eyes wasn’t from the showerhead and knowing how pathetic I’m being right now made the tears come faster. I bit my lip purposely making it hurt and dropped down to my knees in the tub. Pressing my closed fist over my mouth, I fell back of my ass and pulled my knees up to my chest like a fucking five-year-old. The song held no meaning to me, but the words still hit me hard somehow and I couldn’t control my feelings anymore. I leaned my side into the wall, hissing out a whimper when my elbow smacked into the soap holder. I flinched, the movement catching on Jack’s razor and knocking it free from where it sat above the soap.

“Lex, I just have to pee!”

I jumped, nearly knocking my head into the wall from Jack’s clear yell. Wiping my eyes, I stared through the curtain and slid more into the water when I couldn’t find his shadow. I wiped the snot slipping from my nose and held my hand under the water, scrunching my face when blood caught my eyes. I washed it away, watching it seep out almost right after through a thin cut along the side of my wrist. I held it under the water again, hissing at the burning and pulling it away from the thick streams.

“Are you okay in there?” Jack asked, scaring the shit out of me a second time. “I won’t flush the toilet until you’re out.”

“Fine.” I spoke quickly, swallowing back the lump.

“Okay, I’ll be back in ten minutes or so.” He called, closing the door loudly again.

I shook my head, looking back down to the side of my wrist. Lifting it back towards me, I held it under the water and closed my eyes as the burning returned. All of the tension in my chest evaporated, my mind focusing completely on the sensation taking over my wrist. Sniffling, I looked along the tub and found the head of the razor next to my ankle in two pieces. I licked my wet lips, picking up the broken blade without a second thought. If something so small feels so good, what would make it feel better?

“No.” I whispered, pulling the jagged blade back from my wrist. “Fuckin’ stupid.”

I stared down silently. My fingers itched to make the cut bigger just as bad as they did for the bottle before I got in here and I could barely hear anything over the pounding of my heart in my ears. I can’t inflict something so horrible on myself, can I? If it’s so horrible, why does it feel so good? No, I can’t. I would be stupid. I am stupid. I blinked, gasping when sharp pain pinching through my forearm.

“Fuck.” I choked out, popping my eyes back open to find a long slice in the middle of my right arm.

I bit my lip, my fingers shaking with adrenaline as I held my arm under the water to wash the blood away. I pulled my arm back in front of me, running the blade across my thin skin two more times. Short pinches pierced through my skin, producing a lot more blood than I thought while laughter bubbled up my chest. I tossed my head back, rinsing the cuts off while my laughing continued uncontrollably. Relief filled my chest and it felt like the weight of the world lifted from my spine. Grinning, I pushed myself back onto my knees and stood up on my feet. Clutching the blade tighter between my fingertips, I ignored the sting and brought it down across my arm another handful of times before the sound of the door bursting open broke through my eardrums. I dropped the blade, forcing my arm under the water and running my left hand over it to get rid of the blood faster.

“You good?” Jack called again. “You’re really quiet.”

“Peachy.” I called back, grabbing the body wash from the rack hanging under the showerhead.

“Okay.” He laughed, leaving me to myself again.

I bit my cheek, dumping a decent amount of soap in my hands before rubbing my whole body down. I gulped, the stinging in my arm not feeling so great anymore. I grabbed the shampoo and squeezed some into my palm, sticking it back in its place before scrubbing my head. I rinsed the suds from my body and scrubbed my head clean before holding my arm under the water some more. I cringed, pulling the knob up and shutting the water off completely. I sniffed hard, spitting out everything caught in my throat down at the shower drain before I stepped out and onto the rug. I grabbed the towel from the rack and rub my head down before wrapping it around my waist loosely. Wiping my feet on the matt, I stepped towards the counter and reached into my bag. I frowned, sticking my right hand in further and wincing at the discomfort from all of the irritated red lines forming along my inner forearm. Realization of what I just did washed over me, making me sick to my stomach and desperate for a drink at the same time. I huffed, finally grasping the neck of the bottle. I pulled it out, watching with wide eyes as it flung out way too easily.

“What the fuck.” I stated, staring down at the empty bottle of Jack in my hand.

I swallowed dryly, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. Did I drink it all? I couldn’t have. I don’t feel anywhere near drunk. I frowned, tilting the bottle upside down. I froze when nothing dripped out, side-stepping towards the toilet instinctively and pulling the lid up. The brown-yellow liquid filling the toilet confirmed my assumption and my jaw clenched in anger. I dropped the bottle on the counter and tossed my towel to the ground, pulling my boxers from the counter and shoving them over my feet. I pulled them up my legs and grabbed my hoodie back from the ground, shaking the t-shirt out before pulling it over my head and shoving my arms through. Scooping my dirty clothes up, I shoved them into the backpack with the rest of my shit and grabbed the bottle before yanking the bathroom door open. I squinted down the dark hallway, storming down the ten feet it took to get to Jack’s room before I pushed through the cracked door.

“What the fuck is this?” I snapped, only feeling a little guilty when he jolted back into the wall where he sat on his bed.

His wide eyes returned to normal once they met the bottle hanging from my fingertips and the shrug he offered made my blood boil. Tossing my bag to the floor, I pushed his bedroom door closed and turned back to him with the bottle still dangling in my hand.

“Why didn’t you shave?” He asked calmly, crossing his legs while he sat up straighter.

“Are you fucking serious?” I scoffed, tossing the glass onto the empty spot in front of his legs.

“That’s glass.” He gasped, jumping when it bounced a bit.

“You dumped my booze.” I deadpanned, crossing my arms over my chest. “Why were you going through my shit-”

“Okay, Mr. I’m-Not-An-Alcoholic,” He started, holding his hand up. “First of all, taking your bag into the bathroom was a dead give-away and there was no way in hell I was going to go another day talking to your drunk side.”

“I wasn’t going to drink it.” I scowled, squeezing my elbows.

“Okay, then why are you so pissed off?” He retorted with his eyebrows raised.

I pressed my lips together, feeling suffocated as my vocal chords tied together in my throat.

“I’m not fucking stupid.” He informed, taking the empty bottle and sticking it into his nightstand’s top drawer. “You think I didn’t know you were gonna drink it when you were in there?”

I stared straight back at him, falling speechless while all of the weight came crashing back down on me. Anger bubbled back into my stomach and I had the urge to destroy everything in my path, but I stood still instead and closed my eyes. I curled my fingers under the crease of my elbow, sighing contently when the burning returned.

“Alex, hey.” Jack called gently. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

I let up, blinking my eyes back open with a shake of my head. Clearing my throat, I kept my arms crossed and tapped my fingers over my elbows. I heaved a sigh, a new itch crawling under my skin as my eyes flickered back to his. The concern shining through his face sent fear into the pit of my stomach. I just had so many emotions pass through me at the same time in the span of five minutes and the fact that I literally could’ve just punched Jack for pouring cheap liquor down the drain freaked me out.

“Jay.” I whispered, the corners of my eyes growing wet.

“Alex.” He whispered back, hurriedly standing from the bed. “Hey.”

I held my breath, staring into his beautiful eyes for a few seconds before it got to much. Closing my stinging eyes, I stopped the tears from forming further and felt my shoulders tense when his warm hands settled over my biceps. Rolling my lips in, I wondered when I became such a bitch and tried to calm my thumping heart in my chest from our proximity. I shuddered out my breath, sinking into his touch as he gently squeezed his fingers around.

“You can talk to me.” He comforted. “Let me in, Lex.”

I cleared my throat, pulling away from him with a swift step backwards. Swiping under my eyes, I rubbed my nose on my sleeve and pulled the bedroom door open just as quick. Peeking back, I ignored Jack’s shocked expression and stepped out into the hallway.

“Steppin’ out for a smoke.” I noted, pulling the door closed after me.

Notes