Jack

I couldn’t be more relieved. When Alex told me that he told his parents about his mental breakdown the other day, I was beyond happy.
I was so worried about him, and how he would get better from this whole medication thing, I just want everything to be back to normal.
Thankfully, his parents took him to the doctor. The only thing that sucks about it is that his appointment was this morning, so he wasn’t in school for me to give him his daily good morning kisses.
I’ve seen him every single day for months, not seeing him was making me anxious. I just want him around me constantly, without him I feel so uncomfortable in the world.

I sighed, closing up to my locker and walked to my next class alone. It felt weird without his books in my hands, I walked him to class, and carried his textbooks everyday.
It’s become such a routine, now that it’s gone I realize how much I miss it.

Geez, it feels like he’s dead, but he’s just going to be back later today when his appointment is over.

I just miss him.

I want my teddy bear around.

My eyes widened as I saw Brendon and Hayley, being all cutesy, kissing each other on the nose and holding hands. Yuck. Oh wait, me and Lex do that. I forget, I guess it’s only cute when we do it.

I can’t believe they are a thing, Alex has accidentally told me about Brendon liking Hayley so much, but I already knew. It was obvious, and I normally have a good sense of when people like each other. It was a little annoying, having someone I slept with date someone who is practically my little sister.

I shook my head, and went on my merry way until I saw yet another mushy couple that happened to be two of my friends. Except they really weren’t as mushy…

Zack and Tay were making out against the lockers, practically swallowing each others faces with their tongues shoved down each others throats.
Gross! Why would you do that in public? Wait, me and Alex do that all the time.
Dammit, I’m seriously not one to judge. Zack and Tay?
Is that really a good combination? They are both so… similar.

I think that the best relationship you could have is someone that you are complete opposites with. I’m probably biased because I’m dating the reverse version of me. But, it’s weird that all my friends are dating each other.

“Jack!!” Cass exclaimed, popping out of nowhere. Maybe all of my friends are annoying.

“Cass!” I said in the same amount of enthusiasm.

“So… Have you told Alex you love him yet?” she asked.

“Nope,” She can be so annoying at times, but I know she just wants the best for me.

“I know why, but I didn’t think that you were that shallow.” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s because you guys haven’t fucked yet, you don’t want to lock him down until you know if he’s good in bed.” She said simply, her bluntness made my flinch.

“That’s not it!” I defended. At least I don’t think it is.
Would I tell him that I love him before we have sex?
What if he really is terrible in bed?
Ugh! How am I thinking about this?!
Alex is so amazing and thoughtful, and he cares about me so much, here I am thinking if we have a bad sex life, if I would dump him. That’s all I’ve done in the past, I don’t know what it’s like to put in effort to be with someone else. I don’t know anything other than leaving when it gets hard.
What is wrong with me? I love him! Well, I don’t love him… I don’t know anymore.
I don’t know what love feels like. I ran my hands through my hair frustratedly.

I’m so confused.

“Why the fuck do you care this much anyway? Go help Tay and Zack, they are a couple that actually has problems. Me and Alex are perfect.” I told Cass, she just shrugged.

“Because I care about the both of you, you especially. Alex is one of the good ones, and it’s obvious he’s the only thing you think about. Take it from a relationship expert, you need all the help you can get to get that kid to stick around.” she explained, which was only making me more upset.
Do I really need assistance to have my boyfriend stay with me?
Maybe we aren’t as strong as I thought.

“Why are you saying all this?” I asked.

“I know you Jack, better than most people. Love and lust are a package deal for you, you associate them together once you’ve felt both. The day that you and Alex have sex, you’re going to blurt out ‘I love you’ right after, and he will think that it’s just because you guys had a good time, everything will be ruined and-”

“Wait, did this happen between you and Rian?” she seemed way too passionate about this to just be talking about me.

“Uh n-no,” she lied, looking down at the ground, embarrassed.

“Just stop talking about my sex life! I don’t love Alex! Just leave me alone, Cass,” I told her, she looked at me like she was going to fight back, but didn’t.

“Well, you’re always the one who always brings it up,” she muttered, which wasn’t true.

The bell rang, and we parted ways to go to our classes. Ugh, I need new friends.

As I was walking I felt a small poke on my shoulder, that was something Alex always used to do. I turned around, expecting my boyfriend that came early from his appointment, but no.
I was annoyed to see Brendon.

“You are seriously an idiot,” he told me, bluntly. Great way to start a conversation.

“What did I do now?” I sighed.

“Didn’t you realize what you just did? You just screamed, ‘I don’t love Alex!’ Do you have any idea what would happen if he ever heard you say that?” he questioned.

Oh no. No, no, no.

“Oh god, please don’t say anything to him. I didn’t mean that, I was just lying.” I confessed, begging him not to tell Alex. Alex would be devastated.
It’s not like we have ever told each other that before, but it’s really hurtful to hear that someone doesn't’ love you.

“I KNEW IT! You do love him!!!” he laughed, patting me on the back. Fucker, he was just messing with me.

“Fuck you!” I called after him.

“I already have!” he called back, winking at me. He’s such a weirdo, but turning out to be a really good friend. I guess he is good enough for Hayley.



All throughout science class I was just doodling on the side of my paper, wondering what love really feels like. I like him more than my guitar, more than chicken pot pie, more than Home Alone, more than boobs.
Is that love?

I don’t feel the same way about him, than with my parents. I guess that’s different, a completely bad example. I don’t really like my parents, and this was different, me and Alex had romantic love.
For so long, I’ve been wondering how terrible life would be like in a suffocating relationship, forced to only be with one person. But, the real question is, would I care? It really didn’t sound so suffocating or appalling with Alex in it.

I’d do anything for Alex, I care about him more than anything, he’s on my mind all day long. I’m addicted to him, but I guess you could call it love.

I love him. I love Alexander Gaskarth.

I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone that that boy is mine and that I’m in love.
Too bad I’m in science, how soon can this class end?

The second the bell rang, I got up out of my seat. I really hope Alex is in school by now, I wanna hug him. He’s so cuddly all the time, and I used to hate cuddling before him.
He made me like a lot of stuff, I used to never be into shy boys, but look at me now.

“Wait, Jack!” I heard a voice behind me calling my name, I turned around to see my teacher was gesturing me to come over.

“What?” I asked, not bothering to be polite. He was keeping me from my boyfriend!!!
There is a 3 minute passing time, and at this rate I only have 2 minutes and 30 seconds to make out with Alex. Ughhhh.

“So, I’ve been noticing that your grades in my class have been slipping latly. I really don’t want you to fail your senior year, but especially because I don’t want you anywhere near this school next year.”” he blabbed on, I gave him a smirk.

Oh yeah, this was the class that me and Vic trashed and spray painted the walls. I used to be a pretty big trouble maker, till i cleaned up my act so Alex would talk to me. There’s no way a british boy with straight A’s would go out with a dude that vandalizes school property. Now he just dates a guy with sucky grades.

“I’m going to have to assign you a tutor from one of my advanced classes. ” he told me, I groaned loudly. I didn’t agree to this.

“This is stupid, I don’t need a tutor.” I argued, and turned to leave but he kept blabbing.
“It’s too late, I already assigned you one, he said he would use part of his lunch time today to help plan dates to stay after school and study.” he explained.
UGH GOD. He sounds like such a dork, I don’t want to spend my time with this kid.

“After school? Are you kidding me?” I questioned. That’s my Alex time!

The teacher shrugged, which made me want to punch the fucker in the face. He just wants me to get better grades so he doesn’t look bad.

“After school doesn’t work for me,” I stated.

“Why?”

“I have activities,” I explained, with a glare. Those included band, and spending time with my gorgeous boyfriend, THAT I NEVER GET TO SEE. Seriously!
I don’t want some nerd telling me how stupid I am!

“Well, you can discuss those with your new tutor,” he gestured to the door. I groaned even louder, rolling my eyes as I reluctantly looked over to see a familiar caramel haired boy.

“Lex!!!” I exclaimed. Thank god, seriously, I probably would’ve just forced the random dork to do my homework.

I smiled when I saw the relied on his face, I doubt he had a choice to do this tutor thing.

I left the room, taking his hand in mine, and we walked to my favorite part of the school. The abandoned stairwell that nobody goes down. Perfect for making out in private.

“Thank god, I thought you were gonna be some douchey asshole.” he breathed.

“I thought you were going to be a judgey, smartass nerd.” I smiled, and kissed him on the hair.

The second we got into the stairwell, I pinned him against the wall. But I remembered that he’d just come from the doctor, kissing isn’t as important.

“How did the appointment go?” I asked.
I was really worried about him lately, first from Saturday, when he was practically a brick wall. Whenever I spoke to him he didn’t hear me, he was just so lost in his own thoughts, completely reaction less.
Then, he broke down when I snapped at him, which i still feel extremely guilty for, but I was a little relieved to know I wasn’t the only cause of the panic attack. His mind was all over the place, it was just bad timing.

I just want him to be better, I hate seeing him in so much pain. I care about him so much, I don’t want him to be sick, I just him to be happy.

“The doctor said that the medication wasn’t strong enough, obviously. It lost it’s effectiveness, but I got some stronger ones or something. He said that they’d help a lot, they just have some side effects.” he explained, with his hand gently tugging on my shirt to keep me close to his body. God, I love him… wait, side effects?

“Like what?” I asked, concerningly.

“Uhh, like drowsiness, clumbsiness, slurred speech, stuff like that.” he said casually, like they weren't a big deal.

“Alex! Those aren’t good!” I exclaimed.

“He said it takes a little while for it to metabolize, so it will just be the first few weeks, until my body gets used to it. I mean, it was either this, or therapy with my old pills.” He talked about therapy like it was a bad word.

“Therapy’s not a bad thing, I’m sure it would help you a lot, Lex.” I told him, he rolled his eyes.

I wish I could he his own therapist, but I don’t know what to say when he’s anxious. I feel like if I do anything but hug him and tell him how much I care about him, it’ll get worse.

“No, therapy is for crazy people.” he scoffed.

“No its not, it’s for people like you, who have issues.” I corrected him, he shook his head.

“Issues aren’t sexy…” he whined, frowning and grabbing my hand to hold onto. Literally, anything is sexy on him. I would still find him sexy if he was a serial killer.

“Well, I find your issues sexy.” I assured him, giving him a gentle peck on the lips to make him look up. He still looked upset.

“Would you like me better if i wasn’t such a mess?” he asked me quietly, looking up at me with those big brown eyes that make my knees go weak.
I wish I could just say it.
I love you!
I love you for you, including all of your flaws, I think they are beautiful because it’s what makes him, him.
I love you, just say it!!!

“I… I think that you are perfect the way that you are, I adore you. The only thing that I would change about you, is for you to love yourself. I wish you saw yourself for how incredible you really are.” I went on, kissing his forehead repeatedly. I guess that’s good enough for now.

He rolled his eyes, and opened his mouth to fight back but I pressed my lips to his.
I don’t want to hear him complain about his looks, or weight, or him not being smart enough anymore.
I don’t want to hear anything but the sound of our lips kissing each others.

Notes

I just realized that the sound of kissing is pretty gross XD
but yayyyyy a long chapter
and jack admitted to himself that he loves alex
i would talk more but im super tired
i have a 4 day vacation so i will be posting all the time, so be prepared!
:D

this is what the thought, of jack telling alex that he loves him makes me feel like XD


Title credit- Under a Paper Moon