Ash’s POV
That night, when I started going back to the hotel room, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know what to think of what Alex had just told me. He said he loved me, but I wasn’t sure if he actually meant it or if it was something impulsive and in-the-moment type of thing. If he actually meant it... then I had no idea how it was possible that he felt something so strongly about me like this so quickly. It had only been two weeks since we had gotten together, there was no way he could have such strong feeling for me yet. Maybe he thought he loved me... maybe he wasn’t sure what it was actually supposed to feel like... maybe he just said it without thinking. All those answers seemed to make sense. But most of all, I didn’t know how to answer to something like this. It was different than saying, "I love you too" to my father or brothers. If I said it... then I would have to mean it.

I was lucky enough that Jack wanted to talk to me before I actually had to say something right away, but I also couldn’t act like nothing had happened. It was quite obvious that this wasn’t just something I could shrug off like it was something minor, because it seriously wasn’t. All I knew for sure was that I didn’t love him yet. Yes, I really liked him, but not loved him. It wasn’t that easy. I could see myself falling for him sometime, but not at that moment. Things were just going way too fast. I knew I could trust him, but this was a bit too far for me. It wasn’t that long ago that the whole Luke thing happened, I wasn’t sure if I could believe in those words again for some time. I wasn't sure of how long it would take me to believe those three words, I didn't want it to be said too fast, but in all honesty... I was scared of feeling that way again.

So, no matter how much I dreaded it, I knew I had to talk to Alex. Not just to calm my nerves, but his as well. He was probably freaking out in our hotel room, wondering if he had screwed up. And just like expected, when I opened the door with the key I had in my back pocket, I saw him sitting on the bed we were going to share, chewing at his nails. Only when I quietly tried to close the door behind me, he automatically realised I was back, looking at me with sad, yet scared eyes.

If only I knew the right things to say…

“So, umm, Jack and I just cleared everything up,” I told him first, thinking that that would at least calm down his nerves a bit, that he didn’t have to have suspicions about something going on between me and Jack, “we made sure that there aren’t any misunderstandings between us, and neither of us has feelings for each other. Apparently there’s a girl he’s interested in, but he wouldn’t tell me who.”

“Oh, ok, yeah… that’s great.” He tried giving me a smile, but it was very fake and not strong at all, with the corners curled up just a bit too far and how easily he was able to go back to sulking afterwards. It was obvious that that wasn’t what was on his mind.

I just stood there, looking at his figure, not being able to find the words I needed to say. My mind was completely blank, words lost in a great dark abyss, my mouth not being able to formulate any sounds. I just hoped that Alex would say something first, but I knew that wouldn’t happen either. It was either I man up and just go for it, or possibly have everything stay awkward between me and Alex forever. Both seemed so terrifying to me. I didn’t want to fuck up. One option would mean that everything would be broken for sure, but the other could still give me a small chance. If only I knew what to do.

“So, umm, what you said before...” I managed to get out, but I just couldn’t continue. I mean, how was I supposed to? What was it that I wanted to say about what he had said before? Was I just supposed to tell him that I didn’t feel the same way? But that would sound way to harsh, and it would give him the wrong idea.

“What about it?” Alex shrugged like he didn’t really know what I was talking about.

“Like, umm, what did you mean?”
“What do you mean?”

I suddenly just blurted out what I had been wanting to say forever now, “did you mean it?”

Now Alex was the one not sure what to say. He refused to look up at me, finding more comfort in looking at his empty hands fumbling in his lap. I just kept looking at him, wanting to know after finally having said what was on my mind. But it didn’t seem like I would even get him to avert his eyes in a different direction. I understood, however. It was worse not knowing how the other would react than not knowing if the other person actually meant it. This was a make or break situation. I just really wanted to make sure that this wasn’t going to end whatever we had though.

“Ok, look, it doesn’t matter, I’ll just tell you the way I’m feeling,” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, actually catching Alex’s attention by being straightforward, “it might not be the answer you want, but I don’t know. Whether you love me or not, does not change how I feel. I, personally, am not ready for that step yet. I really do like you, and that really isn’t a lie, but I’m not sure if I can do it this fast, both concerning what happened and how fast we’ve already been moving. All I need is some more time. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t feel that way, because there’s nothing controlling that. If you do feel that way, I will really feel special, and you shouldn’t hide it just because I don’t feel the same way yet. It’s pretty obvious it hasn’t scared me away yet. Maybe one day I’ll feel the same way, and you’ll be the first person to know. Just not right now. And if you just said it and didn’t mean it, then it doesn’t matter that much really, but you still know what’s going on.”

He just continued to stare at me for a little while longer, before finally croaking out a reply, “well, umm, I-- I did mean it, but I understand your reasoning. Maybe it’s better if we slow down a little bit? I don’t want to do stuff you’re not ready for.”

“Thank you,” I whispered and smiled, slowly walking up to him, “for now, let’s go to sleep and share this bed together because we are taking advantage of the situation.”

----

Alex and I were back to normal the day after. Of course I did feel special, because I was actually being loved by someone; Alex was actually in love with me! But we still had to act like ‘just friends’ when we joined the entire class. While he was ready to scream out and let everybody know that he loved me, I still wanted to keep our relationship on the down low for a while, especially since I didn’t need the teachers making Alex and I sleep in other rooms. I really didn’t want to be sharing a room with a teacher.

After finishing our breakfast, we got a warning that we had to be back in 15 minutes. Everybody quickly rushed to their rooms to get ready, knowing that they probably didn’t have enough time to do so, especially the girls who still needed to do their makeup. Alex and I had been smart though. We made sure we did everything before going down to breakfast, except for brushing out teeth, which was all we had to do now. So, we calmly made our way back to our room, taking our time by lying down on our bed and talking for a while before Alex went to use the bathroom first.

It seemed like nothing could go wrong.

But I had never been so wrong.

When it was my turn to brush my teeth, I also decided to use to toilet so I wouldn’t have to go when we were walking around the city. But that was also when I realised my abortion was officially over. There was no more blood, and everything was completely fine. It hadn’t been so bad the last couple of days, so I should have know it was going to end soon, but it still surprised me. I should have been happy. I should have been jumping around with glee. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t happy at all.

I quietly left the bathroom, my heart beating fast as my thoughts were going to dark places. I didn’t know what to think, but none of it was good. Alex looked up from his phone as he heard the door click shut, smiling at me. That smile quickly turned to a frown, however. He could already sense something was wrong without having to analyze my body language; my eyes blank and unresponsive, my arms stiff while I was trying to make sure they didn’t shake, no grin visible on my face, and don’t forget about me being completely silent.

“Are you ok?” Alex asked skeptically, putting his phone in his back pocket to give me his full attention.

I nodded, but didn’t move away from the door I had closed, looking at his feet while I wasn’t sure what to do.

“Are you sure?”

That was all he needed to say for me to break. I wasn’t strong enough to keep it to myself. So, as I shook my head this time, tears started streaming down my face as I slid down the door to sit on the carpeted dark blue floor. I felt so guilty and horrible. I had killed a child.
Alex came rushing over to my side, sitting down next to me and pulling me into his lap, his fingers running through my hair as he tried to calm me down. But I just couldn’t do it. I was so selfish. Without thinking, I had gone and taken an innocent life before it was even born. I had willingly swallowed poison to kill something I was supposed to love with all my heart. The reality hadn’t sunk in until now. I couldn’t believe I had done it. It was my baby, I was supposed to be able to hold it in my arms, give it a name, love it like it was the most important person in the world, but I had done the opposite. I had acted like it wasn’t actually there, like it wasn’t another human being. I treated it like some disease.

“Baby, you need to calm down and tell me what’s wrong,” Alex grabbed my face and forced me to look at him, his eyes frantically searching for mine. It was only then that I realised that I had started hyperventilating, blaming myself for being the worst possible mother there ever was.
I shook my head, I couldn’t calm down; I didn’t deserve that. I had to punish myself for the terrible crime I had committed.

----
Alex’s POV
I was trying my best to get Ash to start breathing normally again. I was lightly hitting her face to try and snap her out of it, holding her hand against my heart for her to try and follow my heart beat, and I even tried kissing her to regulate her breathing. It just wasn’t working. She refused to cooperate with me, slowly suffocating herself as she kept her haunting thoughts to herself. I did not know what to do.

She was gripping tightly onto the shirt I was wearing, her knuckles white and her nails digging through the fabric; her mouth was open wide as her body was forcing her to inhale and exhale, but at a much too rapid pace; her rosy cheeks tear-stained as her skin was turning purple.
“Ok, ok, let’s… let’s try a story,” I thought out loud, also hoping that my voice might be enough to calm her down, even though I knew it was very far fetched, “it worked for me, so maybe, so maybe it might work for you as well. How about the one you told me? Yeah, that one might work. The one with Romeo and Juliet. You were Romeo and I was Juliet, but let’s reverse the roles, ok? So, umm… oh god, what did you tell me again? The sword fight… umm… Help me, Ash, you have to help me! How did the story go again?!” I was starting to become more desperate, knowing exactly what it felt like the moments just before you passed out. I couldn’t let that happen to her.

Then there was a loud knock on the door. “Guys, the teachers told me to come get you guys. We will leave without you if you don’t come now.”

“Not now, Jack!” I snapped back angrily, glaring at the door before focusing back on Ash. She was way more important than anything else. I couldn’t stand letting the girl I love go through something like this. I needed to help her.

“Well, they were really threatening…” Jack mumbled back, already taken aback by my tone.

“Not fucking now, Jack!” I screamed, suddenly feeling Ash’s body going limp in my arms. She was still awake and hyperventilating, but I knew she was slipping away fast. I needed to do this, and fast. “God dammit, Ash! I don’t know what to fucking do! Just stop it already!”

I was completely hopeless. I couldn’t stand seeing her like this.

Jack came running in, hearing my cry for help loud and clear. He saw both me and Ash sitting on the floor, Ash now passed out and me crying hysterically. I was still shaking my girlfriend, trying to get her to wake up, but it wasn’t working. She was just lying there, her whole body limp, easily shaking along with my movements. There was no life in her whatsoever.
Jack told me something before running off. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, a high pitched ringing taking over instead. He came back not much later with the teachers following him. I was still shaking Ash pathetically, hoping she’d magically wake up, but I also knew better than that. It obviously wasn’t going to happen.

“Alex, you need to tell me what happened so I can help,” the PE teacher who came along with us said sternly to me.

“I-- I don’t know,” I shook my head, the tears still not drying up, still hoping that Ash hadn’t actually passed out, “she came out of the bathroom, and, and, she just started hyperventilating, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know if she took anything, but she just passed out. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong!”

“Ok, Alex, I need you to let go over her so I can take a look at her. One of the other teachers will check the bathroom, ok? Why don’t you step out of the room and try to calm down?”
I shook my head and refused to let her go, but they just took her away from me, putting her on the bed we hadn’t used but had made to look like one of us slept in it. One of the teachers pulled me up and escorted me out of the room. When I looked to my right, I saw another rummaging through the bathroom, looking to see if there was any medication, or anything of the like, that Ash could have taken on purpose. I didn’t even want to think of that being a possibility. There were kids out in the corridor, trying to see what was going on, but they couldn’t catch a glimpse. I immediately ran over to Jack, who was just outside the door, and hugged him. I didn’t care that everybody could see me cry. Ash was in there, and I wasn’t allowed to be next to her. I didn’t know what to think about what had just happened, I just couldn’t get the frightening images out of my head.

“Hey, Alex, how about we all go and do what we had planned for today?” The same teacher who escorted me out now asked me.

But I just shook my head. “I’m not leaving.”

Notes

Last new chapter for a while! I'll be leaving on Tuesday and coming back late on Friday. It might take 2 weeks before anything new pops up. It really depends on how motivated I'll be to write when I come back.
Now, I'll just leave it at this cliffhanger for you. I hope it's not too brutal.