Alex’s POV
I waited patiently outside the room as the teachers were trying to figure out what to do. No matter how they were going to try to persuade me, I was not going to leave the girl I love when something was obviously wrong with her. It didn’t matter to me that nobody knew what was going on between us. I probably would have wanted to stay even if she weren’t my girlfriend. The way she was sobbing hysterically, not inhaling enough air, had absolutely terrified me. I couldn't take the image of her passing out with so much pain out of my head. I now knew what people experienced when I had anxiety attacks.

Eventually, I was let into our shared bedroom once again, the only teacher staying behind being the PE teacher. Ash had woken up, but wouldn’t talk. She looked pale, lying down on her side while staring at the wall in front of her. Everything about her looked dead, like her body was here, but her soul somewhere else. The pillow she clutched in between her arms, still leaving space for her head to rest on, seemed to be the only thing that kept her grounded. Any second all of her could float away into the abyss.

The teacher had been trying to get her to talk for the last hour, but Ash wouldn’t even let out a whimper. I tried as well, but I knew we wouldn’t get anywhere if it wasn’t just me and Ash in this room. So, I suggested it to Mr. Teach without sounding rude and waited for him to leave the room. Maybe this wasn’t going to work either, but it was worth a try.

I slowly sat down on the side of bed, trying not to make Ash move, while I went to stroke her hair. With no one around I could show as much affection as I wanted. She blinked slowly as I tried to get her attention.

“Hey,” I started with the calmest voice I could muster, not wanting to set her off again, “how are you feeling?”

No answer.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Still no answer. Not even a flinch.

“Maybe we can try again later?”

After waiting for another while, showing her affection through my actions, I gave up. There was definitely a war going on in her head, the destructive stronger than the unhurt. It was like she couldn’t even hear me like I didn’t even exist in the world she was surrounded by. I wanted to reach out to her, pull her out of the deep pit she had fallen in, but I didn’t know how.

I was helpless.

I called the teacher back in and took a seat on the desk chair, watching Ash carefully, not letting my eyes off her. He went to check the bathroom one last time to see if there would be anything to give away what was going on with Ash. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t find anything, however, this was all in her mind. But, to my surprise, he came back out with a bottle of pills in his hands.

“Could these have something to do with it?” He whispered to me, showing me the label, but not giving me the bottle.

I frowned and shook my head; that wasn’t possible, “that’s my anxiety medication, but I don’t really take it. It makes me feel dead, so I refuse to take it unless it’s really necessary.”

The teacher gestured towards Ash with a nod, raising his eyebrows at me, but I just refused to even think it was possible. Sure, she was basically acting the way I described, dead and unemotional, but that wasn’t because she would dare to take medication that was specifically prescribed for me? No, no she wouldn’t… right?

“Do you know how many were in here and how many you’ve taken?” Our PE teacher continued, shaking the bottle, causing the pills to make a rattling sound.

“Umm...” I tried counting the few occasions I had actually convinced myself to take the medicine that stripped my personality away. “There’s twenty in them normally, but I think I’ve taken four.”

“There’s only 15 left.”

My eyes went wide, “maybe one fell out? It doesn’t always close properly.”

He seemed skeptical but went to check the bathroom again, searching through my belongings. I didn’t care that he was invading my privacy, I needed to talk to Ash alone. As soon as the door closed behind him, I rushed over to Ash’s side, crouching in front of her to I could make eye contact with her more easily if she wanted to.

“Ash, did you take my anxiety medication?” I asked her, hoping she could hear that I wasn’t mad, “If you did, it doesn’t matter. But you shouldn’t do that, it can cause weird side effects, especially if you don’t need it.”

She remained quiet as I positioned myself so she had no other choice but then to stare right at me. Her eyes, however, remained focused on what was behind me, even though she couldn’t even see it anymore.

“Baby…” I whispered, desperate for an answer. A tear escaped her right eye, hitting the pillow with a quiet pat. My heart starting beating faster. It couldn’t be true.

I called out for the teacher again, “actually, I forgot to count last week! When I kept having these weird flutters at school and decided to take one before I went to bed, just in case.”

That was a complete lie. I hadn’t taken those devilish things for months. There would never ever be any circumstance that would make me take those ever again. I wasn’t stupid! I would rather pass out, terrified for my life, than be emotionless and mentally not there. It was literally the worst feeling ever. And it was exactly what Ash was experiencing right now…

“Baby, you need to tell me if you took it. I won’t tell anybody. I just need to know so I can help you. Please, baby, I don’t want anything to happen to you,” I whispered loud enough for her to hear, but just quiet enough so nobody else would ever be able to hear.

Two more tears dropped down, leaving behind wet streaks on her face. It wasn’t much longer before she shook her head, telling me she didn’t do it. She curled up into a ball and silently started crying. It might not have been a happy emotion, but I got her to show something. It was better than nothing. I pushed myself up so that I could wrap my arms around her, bringing her close to me.

When the teacher came in and saw I had made some progress, he pointed towards the door and left, leaving me to talk to Ash. I quickly pressed a kiss to the side of her head, moving her hair away. I didn’t know what was going on in her mind, but I knew it couldn’t be any good.
“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong,” I whispered into her ear in a calm voice, kissing the spot just next to her ear.

“D-don’t call me that,” she whimpered like she was physically being caused pain by my words.

“Baby?”

“I don’t deserve to be called that.”

“But I love you, of course, you deserve to be called that!” I protested, not understanding her words at all.

She shook her head and tried to move away from me, but I wouldn’t let her. “I killed a baby! I don’t deserve it!” Her voice sounded croaky, breaking apart by the second before she full out broke into sobs.

“Ash,” I sighed in sympathy, moving all the hair out of her face so I would be able to look at her, “don’t ever think you’ve made a horrible mistake. Yes, you were pregnant; and yes, you decided to have an abortion. That child won’t be born, and I know it hurts, but just think about it for a while. Would you really have been ready to me a mother now? Didn’t you want to graduate and go to Juilliard? That would be so much more difficult. There could even have been the chance of the baby always reminding you of Luke and what he had done to you. It could have meant you wouldn’t treat the child in a way you are capable of. Deep down you know it was the right decision. Now you can focus on your future; a future with education and degrees, a wonderful guy, and many many babies, as many as you want to have. Don't beat yourself up over this one child. I don’t want you missing all the opportunities and possibilities open for you.”

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Ash’s POV

Alex and I continued to talk about it for another while until he had convinced me that I really hadn’t made a mistake. He kept painting this wonderful picture of how my future was possibly going to look like now, making it quite clear that none of that would have been possible if I had decided to keep the child. Everything he said was meaningful, none of it heartless. It wasn’t like he was trying to tell me that it would have been the worst thing ever if I had wanted to keep the child, but he was telling me that I was better off now.

And I knew it was true.

I wasn’t completely fine yet, but Alex and I decided to join the second half of the day. We got to do whatever we wanted; explore the city with our friends. I put on a happy face, trying to convince everybody that everything was ok. They didn’t all seem to believe me fully, but they wouldn’t dare ask me any questions about what happened. Not like I would have wanted to answer them anyway. This was something I would like to keep between Alex and me for now. Maybe there would come a time when I would tell Jack, and then I’d mention it to Harper, Lianne, and Rian ever later. I just wasn’t ready for such a big step yet.

We were walking around in our small group, fooling around and talking, occasionally remembering how awesome New York actually was. It was mainly tall buildings, busy streets, and some cute shops. Everything was just a bit more spectacular than Baltimore, and a whole lot different from any place I had been in Germany. I liked the differences, though; having traveled around the world, the culture was always something that intrigued me.

Alex was holding my hand as we walked at the back. It was like he was afraid I would leave or drift off if he let go. Nobody seemed to care, though, not thinking twice about it. They could all sense I was trying to put on a brave face, and that Alex was there to support me. The others were just walking wherever they wanted, still sticking together; all so carefree and excited.
At one point, Harper and Rian were walking together at the very front, Jack and Lianne walking just in front of us. They were all talking about their own things while Alex and I just stayed silent. We had already talked enough for the day, there was no need to make it seem like everything was forgotten and ok. Even though we were together, we also needed to take some time to think about it ourselves, to process everything that had happened the last 24 hours.

Everything was suddenly interrupted when a random local girl decided to run up to Lianne, grab her face, and plant a kiss on her lips before rushing away. Lianne froze up completely, almost making Alex bump into her. She seemed confused for a second before turning to the direction the girl had disappeared and shouting after her, “hey, wait up!”

We all looked at each other, waiting for Lianne to come back. When her pink hair finally came back in sight, jogging towards us, she had a large grin on her face, putting her phone back into her back pocket.

Jack raised an eyebrow up at her, “what was that all about? Want me to go punch a bitch? Because I will go punch a bitch.”

“No,” she giggled back, seeming so happy about whatever happened, “I actually got her number! Wait a second… I think I might be a lesbian! Wait, no, I could be bisexual. Maybe I’m bisexual, that’s very possible. Hmm…” she turned to Alex and planted her lips on his without thinking. Alex’s eyes were wide open, obviously not having been prepared for what happened, and he didn’t seem to enjoy it either. Oddly enough, I actually didn’t feel any jealousy. When Lianne broke away from him, she shook her head, “no, I did not like that. Definitely a lesbian. Onwards we go!”

With that, she started marching forward. I looked at Jack and saw him looking at the floor, his eyes sad while his smile didn’t even exist. We all started walking again, but I couldn’t help but notice how upset he seemed. I leaned over to Alex and whispered, “hey, do you mind if I go walk with Jack for a bit?”

“Sure, do you want to tell him what happened?” Alex smiled, trusting me around Jack now.
I shook my head, “not yet, but he’s my best friend, so I don’t want him to think I completely forgot about him, you know? Plus, it seems like Lianne could use some calming down.”
“I’ll go do that, and you go talk to your ‘best friend’ who happens to be my best friend as well.”
“You have three best friends and me, I have you and Jack's my best friend, it’s different.”

“Ok, ok, fine, now go talk to him, I get to be around you the entire night,” he smirked and ran to catch up with Lianne, who seemed over the moon.

I went to Jack, walking in the same somber pace he was, “I guess we're the same now.”

“The same?” He questioned.

“Yeah, putting on a brave face while you’re dying inside.”

He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, adding a fake smile to try and convince me. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on, I’m not stupid, Jack,” I rolled my eyes and sighed audibly, “you like Lianne, but she just ‘came out’. I saw the way you looked. You don’t even know for sure if she’s actually only into girls. She just made this decision in a couple of seconds, it’s possible it’s not completely thought through yet. Trust me when I say that I would know if she was having her doubts before. She would have told me and Harper. And if she is actually a lesbian, don’t be too hurt about it. It shouldn’t be that way; you shouldn't be hurt because of one girl who's always willing to still be your friend. We’re only 17 now, Jack, we have a whole life in front of us. There’s going to be so many heartbreaks to come. But eventually, you’ll find that one girl you’ll spend the rest of your life with. You’ve just got to be patient.”

“But will she be as awesome as Lianne?” He looked at me, genuinely feeling sad.

“Even better, Jack, even better.”

Notes

Ash is ok, we know who Jack likes. Nothing will go wrong... right?