Ash’s POV

For a second I had forgotten what had happened to me. I was confused why there was an alarm going off with a song that sounded nothing like the usual tune I had playing. It was way louder and made me audibly groan. The sheets had a different smell than the detergent essence I was used to. But what befuddled me the most were the arms lightly wrapped around my waist. It didn’t make sense to me anymore. The was nothing like home, nor was this anything like Alex’s place.

And then it hit me. It all came back to me in one go: Luke grabbing me, giving me a concussion, tying me to the bed… raping me. Everything rushed through my mind, flashing images right in front of me.

Who’s arms were these? Had Luke come back for me?! Was he holding me captive!?!

I let out a small scream while getting out of the person's grip. I wasn’t going to let this happen to me again. But it wasn’t only me who was startled. They also shook awake, accompanying my yell with their own yelp. My head snapped towards the weird high pitched sound to find Jack with his eyes wide open, scrambling around to see if something was wrong.

Right. I forgot about that part. Luke broke up with me, leaving me to rot in the hotel room, and Jack came to help me. I was at Jack’s house. He had been nice enough to allow me to stay here, even though I obviously wasn’t worth it. I was forever in his and his parents’ debt. It must have been shameful for them to have somebody like me in their house.

My head started spinning and I quickly hid my head in the pillow, hoping to get rid of the nausea taking over what was once my calm body. I felt sick and disgusting inside and out, and I never wanted to go outside again. The dangers were too big and everybody was going to judge me. I couldn’t deal with that. Hiding in a hole, not letting anyone come near me seemed like a much better option.

“Oh, shit,” Jack groaned and slowly got out of bed, “I’ve still gotta go to school. Important Geography test today.” he walked straight to his closet, trying to find clothes to change into. I, however, stayed in bed, not moving an inch. And it seemed like it was only then that Jack actually remembered all the events from before. He turned back to me and gave me a meaningful look, “how are you feeling?”

“Sick,” I mumbled and closed my eyes. It might have seemed a bit like an excuse, but I really did feel terrible, and not only because of all the pain I was feeling. I let out a small groan and opened my eyes. Jack was looking at me with concerned eyes.

“I understand,” he muttered and kept giving me the same look, “I’m pretty sure my mom won’t mind…”

I nodded softly, moving my head minimally. A headache started building up, making it feel like my temples were crushing under heavy pressure from the inside. I could already feel that this headache wasn’t going to let me be for a long time. Not only did it make me feel dizzy, but it also made the pain in my stomach worse. I didn’t even care about the mental agony and misery in my heart, all the physical pain was over powering it all, not giving any other emotions space. It was a selfish feeling, battling inside of me.

The funny queasy feeling wasn’t subsiding at all, not even when I closed my eyes and focused on trying to keep it all down. I could feel the acidic bile slowly starting to rise up my throat, trying to take over the neutral taste my mouth had. Normally, I would have risked it and stayed in bed, but I knew there was no way that I was going to hold it in this time. I had never felt this debilitated before, not even when I had to stay home for two weeks when I was seven years old, not even when I broke my arm at eleven and the doctors drugged me up.

Sick coming up even further made me throw off the comforting warm covers and jump out of the bed that was just big enough for two people. Jack looked shocked with my sudden outburst, but I didn’t stop to tell him what was wrong. I ignored all the pain soaring through my body as my feet rushed along the carpeted floor and to where I knew the bathroom was. Fortunately for me, nobody was in the bathroom and I could hurry in without having to wait. In no time I had fallen to my knees in front of the toilet. I didn’t have any time to pull back my hair, nor could I let myself sit more comfortably. All my body wanted was to get rid of the disgusted sense.

It didn’t take long until I felt somebody reach out and pull all my hair back. I didn’t know who it was and was ready to scream out for help, but Jack already started rubbing circles on my back and mumbling that it was ok. But I knew it would never be. Just knowing the truth and that Jack was lying to me already managed to bring tears to my eyes. It weren’t the details that got me, it was knowing that I would never get rid of the long term consequences. I was always going to be broken, I was never going to be wanted.

“Is everything ok in here?” The sweet voice of Jack’s mom came from around the corner as she guided herself to the bathroom, already knowing something was wrong. She didn’t come further that the doorway, which I was thankful for. I couldn’t stand it being more crowded that it already was.

“I- I think she shouldn’t go to school today,” Jack suggested in a quiet tone. It was like he was too afraid to set me off, not only by how loud he was being, but also by suggesting that I wasn’t fit and good enough to do normal things.

But I knew better than that. I wasn’t stupid enough to think I was capable of doing things that I obviously couldn’t do. Not only couldn’t I properly move without being in so much pain, not only was I afraid that he would find me, but I was also afraid everybody already knew. Of course they would already know! Everybody would just be able to know without seeing me. It was all so obvious. I was never ever going to go back.

Jack helped me clean up before carrying me back to his room. Even though I was sick, he tucked me in, brushing my hair out of my face and placing a plastic trash can next to the bed. I gave him a watery smile to thank him, and let myself hide into the pillows placed around messily. Joyce came in with a glass of water and placed it on the bedside table before taking a seat next to me.

Jack got the hint and left the room, grabbing his school bag along. I tried my best not to feel a bit uncomfortable while Joyce and I sat in silence. It had been a while since I had been in a terrible and sad situation like this… it had been a while since I had a mother figure. I wasn’t exactly sure how to act. Most of my life I had been only around guys, but now there was actually a female who understood everything.

Joyce softly ran her hand up and down my arm in a comforting way, “I called Isobel last evening. She knows you’re here and what happened. For now you can stay here, even if it takes weeks, but eventually you will have to go back. Not for me, but for you. It will be much better if you had somebody there who knows what happened and knows that certain things will never be ok. We’re also going to contact your father, but it didn’t feel right worrying him in the middle of the night. I’ll call him in a bit.”

Her mentioning my father was just a bit too much for me. I couldn’t help but let out a couple of loud sobs. She was right, it was the best thing to tell them, they had to know. But I could only imagine how distressed my dad was going to be. It had always been us against the world, us being there when we needed each other and protecting each other. But now he had to find out the worst crime that could happen to his daughter had happened. I didn’t want him to feel bad because of me.

----

I had been sleeping most of the day, occasionally waking up from the recurring nightmares. It was a weird cycle I was in: too tired to keep my eyes open, falling asleep, waking up sweating -- sometimes with an occasional scream --, only to not get enough rest and repeat the whole thing. But it was all my fault. I was the one who brought it on myself. I should have gotten away before it was too late… but I had too much faith in him.

This time, however, I wasn’t woken by my own mind playing tricks on me. Loud footsteps were running up the stairs, trying to beat each other to their destination. They were chasing each other, one trying to catch the other, but the steps caused the occasional slip and louder bang.

“Alex, no!” Jack shouted, probably being the one who was behind, “Seriously!”

“I just want to know how she’s doing!” Alex shouted back, his voice much closer and thus much louder than Jacks.

However, Jack managed to catch up in no time and blocked the way, as evident by the loud thump against the door. It seemed, though, that this caught Alex off guard, like he was actually heading somewhere else, only to see where I actually was because of Jack freaking out.

“She’s staying in your room?” Alex mumbled in a disbelieving voice, suddenly talking in a normal level of noise rather than shouting every single word that left his mouth. When Jack didn’t reply, Alex pushed further by asking another question, “Did something happen between you guys?!”

Oh no. Alex knew about the accidental kiss Jack and I shared. Jack told somebody and now everybody in the entire school knew. But that was just the problem. It was completely accidental and hadn’t been intended to happen. The bed wasn’t big enough for us facing each other without being pressed up against each other. It couldn’t even be classified as a kiss. Jack and i would never do something like that.

“No!” Jack replied way too quickly. He was probably thinking about the same thing, but wasn’t sure exactly what to make of it. I was certain, though, that it didn’t mean anything to him either.

“Well, at least let me give her the clothes my mom told me to bring over,” Alex sighed before raising his voice a notch again, “I don’t even get it. Sure, she’s sick and I know that Luke hit her. But why does she need to stay here! Why can’t she come back home with me!?”

I pulled the covers over my entire head and pretended to be asleep in hope that I actually would. Jack and Alex barely fought, and I couldn’t stand them yelling at each other because of me. No, I didn’t want to go with Alex. He didn’t understand.

The doorknob twisted and Jack voice was heard one last time, “be carefull--” the door opened pretty loudly before he could finish his warning, “... she’s probably asleep..”

And then there was just silence. Five whole minutes of it. I could feel stares of me and I tried my best to make my fake sleeping seem as realistic as possible. My lungs weren’t getting enough air with how low I was trying to breathe and my limbs were already aching from staying in the same position.

“I feel so bad, Jack. I could have stopped it all!”

No, he couldn’t have. He couldn’t even have known. I made sure he wasn’t my friend anymore, there was no way he could have helped.

Notes

And I somehow managed to write another chapter. No more chapters for the next two weeks :( I've got my end of year tests and I've already started studying, there's no way I'll be able to write more. I'm sorry, but I hope you can wait that short while.