sold my soul to the open road
it's warmer where you are
Standing at my bedroom window, I watched my friends show up one by one to Alex’s house for his graduation/going away for tour party. And by party, I mean Alex, Jack, Rian, and Zack, along with Matt, Danny, Grieco, Vinny, and Nano hanging out, most likely with drinking and possibly a bonfire involved. Of course, I was invited too, but as the time of the start of the party came and went, I felt reluctant, at best, to attend.
Normally, I would jump at the chance to hang out with guys away from school or band practice, especially since they were leaving for tour in two days. But I knew that, since it was Alex’s party, Lisa would be there too. And after my run-in with her at Rian’s, I wasn’t looking forward to being around her tonight, especially considering that when Alex drinks, he gets extra touchy-feely. I was hardly in the mood to watch them cuddle and make out all night.
But, then again, I had told Alex I would be there, and I knew if I didn’t show he’d come looking for me to see if I was okay. I didn’t know if I could talk my way around that question again.
So, with dread pooling in the pit of my stomach, I picked up my purse and went downstairs, letting my mom know that I was leaving before I was out the door and crossing the street to Alex’s house.
I let myself in the front door and walked through the front hallway to the living room, where I found everyone gathered, some sitting on the couch or chairs and some on the floor, but all with drinks in their hands. Alex, who was perched on the arm of the couch, was the first to notice my arrival. He grinned when he saw me, which made me smile in turn. I couldn’t help it; it was a gut reaction.
“Shay! Hey,” he said cheerily, causing the rest of the guys to look my way and echo his greeting. I smiled and called a hey in response, waving at them. Alex got up from his spot on the couch and jogged over to me, pulling me into a quick hug. “I’m so glad you could make it!”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, all of my doubts from earlier going out the window at the smile on his face.
“Well, we’re all just chilling in here,” he said, nodding towards where our friends were all talking and laughing behind him. “I’ll get you a drink. Just go ahead and sit. I saved you a seat on the couch.” He pointed to the couch, where there was an empty spot in between Jack and the armrest where Alex had been sitting earlier.
I nodded as he headed towards the kitchen, leaving me to make my way over to the couch. “What’s up, buttercup?” I said, dropping onto the couch next to Jack.
“Doth mine eyes deceive me, or was Shayley Walker actually late for something?” he said with mock surprise.
“Shove it, Barakat,” I said, smacking his arm. But he just smiled, ruffling my hair in retaliation.
“You feeling better?” he asked, referring to our conversation from earlier.
I shrugged, fixing my slightly mussed hair. “Average, I guess.” I curled my legs up under myself, leaning into the corner of the couch and the armrest. I looked around the room; Rian and Matt were squished into the couch on the other side of Jack, Zack and Danny were sitting in the armchairs across from the couch, and Nano, Vinny, and Grieco were sat on the floor in the middle.
I smiled when I realized that Lisa was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Lisa?” I asked Jack, trying to keep my voice light.
Jack’s eyebrows pulled together, clearly confused by my question. “Did Alex not tell you?”
“Tell me what?” I asked, intrigued and concerned at the same time.
“Alex and Lisa got in a huge fight, not long after you left practice earlier,” explained Jack. I hated myself for the small amount of happiness the news gave me.
“So, wait, it happened at Rian’s? With you guys still there?”
“Yeah, it was brutal.” Jack shook his head, taking a drink from his beer. “And it was sort of out of the blue. She made a super backhanded comment about how long he was upstairs talking to you, and then before any of us knew it she was yelling about how he wasn’t spending enough time with her, and then of course she brought up tour, and how he wasn’t committed enough to her because he was leaving. Then she just sort of stormed out.”
“Well shit,” I said lowly, working hard to keep a smile from my face. “That sucks.” Jack gave me a look, raising an eyebrow incredulously. “For Alex,” I clarified. “That sucks for Alex.”
He just rolled his eyes, taking another sip of beer. “Yeah, I can tell you’re all cut up about it.”
“One Stella for the lady!”
I turned to see Alex sitting back down on the arm of the couch. He handed me a bottle of my favorite beer and I smiled appreciatively. "Why thank you, good sir."
"My pleasure,” said Alex, a silly grin on his face. For someone who was fighting with their girlfriend, he seemed pretty cheery.
“So Shay,” said Matt, making me shift in my seat to face his direction, leaning back against Alex’s side. “Have you decided yet that spending summer alone here is stupid and boring and that you’d be way better off coming on the road with us?”
I laughed but shook my head. “You guys know I’d go with you in a heartbeat, but there’s no way my mom would ever go for it.” I didn’t even have to ask my mom to know that going around the country with a group of eighteen year old boys for a month and half would would be a no-go before I even finished the question.
“Oh come on,” piped up Danny, who, to know one’s surprise, was already beginning to slur his words. He was the lightest light-weight in the history of time. “You’re eighteen years old, do you really have to listen to what your mom says anymore?” he teased.
“With a mom like hers? It’d be suicide not to,” Alex spoke for me, while Jack just nodded his head somberly. They were the two people I ranted about my mom to the most, and the only two of my friends who had been unfortunate enough to witness one of our fights. And by “fight,” I mean my mom reaming the shit out of me while I can barely get a word in edgewise.
I took a sip of my own beer, pointing up at Alex and saying, “Yeah, what he said.”
“Yeah, yeah, but like, really, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you just left?” asked Rian naively. His question actually made me laugh, out loud.
“Does the word ‘stroke’ mean anything to you?” I scoffed, laughing bitterly. “It means so much to me that you guys want me along, really, but there’s just no way in hell that I could possibly convince her.”
“I know. We understand,” said Jack. “We wouldn’t want to get you in trouble or anything. We’re just gonna miss you.”
“Yeah, it’s not gonna be nearly as rad as it would be if you were there,” said Matt, and the rest of the guys agreed.
I smiled but just shook my head, a blush growing on my face from all the attention. “Oh please. You guys are going on tour. After a few shows you guys won’t even notice I’m not there.”
“Are you kidding? You’re the only one who balances out all of our crazy shit,” Jack responded.
“Yeah, you’re like the normal glue that holds all of our insanity together,” added Alex, putting his arm around my shoulders from behind.
The next few hours rushed by, and to be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had that much fun. I forgot how easy it used to be to hang out with the guys before Lisa came along. When she was around, I always felt like I couldn’t relax, like she was judging everything word I said. I almost felt like I was trying to prove I belonged in the group, which is completely ridiculous, because, not to sound petty or anything, but I was part of it first. More specifically, I was part of Alex’s life first.
But anyway, without her there, I didn’t have to worry about that. I relaxed completely and laughed and drank with my friends, and after a few hours, I had completely forgotten why I didn’t want to come in the first place.
Around 11, we were hanging out in the kitchen, having just finished an intense beer pong tournament (I won, not that it matters), and Jack was outside setting up a bonfire in Alex’s fire-pit because, to everyone’s great surprise, he’d had the least to drink all night and was therefore the most competent to handle fire. Well, technically I’d had the least to drink, but all night Alex had been very adamant that I stay with him. Buzzed Alex had a tendency to be a bit more affectionate than Sober Alex, so I figured it was just because he was on his fifth beer of the night, not drunk, but not necessarily sober either. Besides, it’s not like I was complaining.
Zack and Matt were in the middle of reenacting a scene from South Park when they were cut short by the door bell. “Jack probably managed to lock himself out,” said Alex, shaking his head. He excused himself to go get the door, and returned a moment later, not with Jack, but with Lisa.
So much for relaxing.
The pair stood next to each other awkwardly, the tension from their fight clearly still there. “Hey guys,” said Lisa meekly.
“Do you guys want to be alone?” asked Rian. “Cause we can go some--”
“Uh, no, I actually wanted to talk to Shay.”
My head shot up immediately, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Come again?”
“I just need to talk to you about something,” she said, looking at me nicely for the first time, well, ever. “You know, girl to girl.” She somehow managed a genuine looking smile. I did my best to reciprocate.
“Um, okay,” I said slowly, glancing at Alex for some sort of explanation. But he just shrugged, looking as confused and as uneasy as I felt. Lisa and I had never spoken more than a sentence to each other. Why, all of a sudden, did she need to talk to me?
“Is there somewhere we can talk in private?” she asked, her question directed at Alex.
“Uh, yeah, you can go to the backyard if you want,” he said, clearly very unsure of what was going on.
“Okay,” she said, turning on her heel and walking back out of the kitchen without even waiting for me to follow.
“Well okay then,” I mumbled, running into the living room to catch up with her, my dread from earlier making another appearance.
I found Lisa on the back porch, leaning with her arms set on the porch railing and staring at the bonfire Jack had started. Jack himself wasn’t there; he must’ve gone back in through the front door. Feeling more uncomfortable than I had in my entire life, I walked up to Lisa and leaned with my back against the railing instead, and at least a good three feet away from her.
“So,” I said stiffly, staring through the glass sliding door to the living room, where the guys were slowly migrating back to. “What’s up?”
“Well, I know we don’t talk much, or at all, really, but I was kind of hoping that could change,” she said, taking me by surprise. She’d hated me for years, and now she wanted to be friends? I frowned, diverting my gaze to look at her. It was dark out but the fire lit up her face enough for me to see the emotionless expression on her face. And I could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn’t mean a word of what she was saying. “I just think, we both clearly care about Alex a lot, and I think that it would make him happy if we were friends, you know?”
“No, I don’t,” I said, which was clearly not the response she was anticipating.
She turned to look at me directly for the first time that night, surprise and indignation written all over her face. “What?”
“Look, I know you don’t like me, and I’m not a huge fan of you either, so could you please do both of us a favor and cut the bullshit?” I said bluntly, squaring my shoulders so I was looking at her as well. “What do you want, really?”
Lisa’s surprise disappeared and instead her face turned hard, folding her arms in front of her. “Fine,” she replied, a razor’s edge to her voice. “You’re right, I don’t like you. I don’t like how much time you spend with Alex, and I don’t like how close you two are, especially recently,” she said, no doubt referring to the conversation she’d walked in on earlier that day. “You spend a lot of time alone with him and I’m really not comfortable with that.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes, doing my best to stay collected. “Okay, well, Alex and I were best friends for four years before you guys even met,” I said, feeling almost like I was gloating. “What, did you expect him to just stop hanging out with me when you started dating?”
“No, but I also certainly didn’t expect him to spend more time with you than he does with me.”
“How or with whom Alex wants to spend his time is his decision. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
“Oh really? Because the more time he spends with you lately, the more we fight.”
I groaned. I was starting to get really frustrated now. “Look Lisa, whatever problems you guys have been having are between you and Alex. I’m sorry that you guys are fighting a lot, but--”
“Are you, Shay? Are you sorry? Because if you ask me, I think you’re loving it,” she sneered. “I think that this is what you’ve wanted to happen.”
“Lisa? Shay?” Both of us stopped and turned to see Jack, who had somehow managed to reappear in the yard while we had been arguing. He looked back and forth between Lisa and me a few times, concern evident on his face. “What’s going on?”
“Stay out of it, Jack,” Lisa snapped. He stayed quiet, but he didn’t leave, and I felt him watching me carefully.
Before Lisa could say anything else, I said, feeling piqued, “Why in the hell would I be happy about you two arguing?” Okay, maybe I wasn’t upset about it, but it’s not like I was celebrating, either. I knew that fighting with Lisa stressed Alex out and made him upset, and I’d never be happy about his unhappiness.
“Because you’re in love with him,” she said, a look on her face like she had won something.
I froze up at her words, my anxiety going through the roof in a matter of seconds. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jack react in a similar way. I’d always thought that she knew I liked Alex, but I had no idea she knew how much. “What?”
Lisa laughed coldly, her lips turning up in a smirk. “Please, you think I haven’t noticed? It’s so obvious. The way you follow him around like a lost puppy, hanging onto every word he says; it’s kind of pathetic, if you ask me.” She hurdled the words in my face like they were supposed to hurt me. But they just made me mad. “I mean, what do you think is gonna happen when he leaves for tour? He’s gonna have much better things to do than keep in touch with some friend from high school. And by the time he gets back, and you’re gone away to college, what reason is he gonna have to even think about you anymore?”
Okay, that hurt.
“Woah, Lisa, that’s really not cool--”
“Shut it, Barakat,” she snapped at Jack again, making me even more mad, before she rounded on me again. “You think he cares about you so much? All of his friends are going with him except for you. If you’re such good friends then why is he leaving you behind?”
“Shut up,” I murmured, feeling angry tears build up right behind my eyes. I looked down, blinking hard to keep them at bay. I refused to cry in front of Lisa. She just barrelled on.
“I know what you’ve been doing. You’ve been slandering me, filling his ear with horrible things about me every time we have a fight and he runs to you to talk about it. You’re trying to turn him against me, and you have been ever since we started going out.” She smiled smugly, clearly thinking she had me all figured out.
I laughed loudly at the ridiculousness of her accusation. Any sadness I had been feeling a moment ago had gone as fast as it appeared. I was just mad now-- really mad. “Wow Lisa, I always knew you were a bitch, but I never knew you were so insane,” I said coldly, now with my own smirk. Yeah, it might’ve been a bit harsh, but I was just returning the favor.
My words knocked the smug expression off her face, replacing it with one of insult. “What the hell is your problem?!”
“You’re my problem!” I shouted. I was over the edge now; there was no going back. “And yeah, maybe I do have feelings for Alex, but don’t presume to know me just because you got that one thing right. You have no right to accuse me of doing something like that. Besides the fact that he doesn’t even talk to me about you or your fights, I would never manipulate him like that.
“Yeah, I don’t like you. But that has nothing to do with the way I feel about Alex and everything to do with the simple fact that you don’t deserve him.” Lisa looked like I’d just slapped her, but that only egged me on further. “You’re a waste of his time and his energy, and he deserves someone better. And not that it’s any of your business, but the only reason I’m not going on tour with the guys is because my mom isn’t okay with it. But Alex did invite me, which is more than I can say for you.
“Alex and I have been best friends for seven years, and if you think for one second that he cares about you more or even as much as he cares about me then you’re a fucking idiot.”
By the time I was done I was fuming. I felt like my anger was spilling out of my burning ears and shaking fingers. My whole face felt hot. I had no idea where the courage to say all of that had come from, and I was losing confidence in my words more and more as the seconds passed.
Lisa, on the other hand, instead of looking angered by my outburst, was smirking. I narrowed my eyes in confusion as she abruptly turned and began walking to the door.
“Where are you going?”
She turned back to me, a huge, shit-eating grin on her face that just made me more angry. “To talk to Alex. I think he would be very interested to hear how much his so-called best friend hates the girl he loves, don’t you?”
At her words, I felt the ground drop out, panic shooting through every vein in my body. Alex may have been mad at Lisa at the moment but there would be no way he’d be okay with me saying the things I’d just said to her. I had basically just called their two year relationship a waste of time.
“No, wait, you can’t,” I stuttered out, but I knew that it wouldn’t do any good.
“Oh, yes I can. And I will.”
“Lisa, wait!” I heard Jack yell as he ran up to the porch, but she was already sliding open the glass door and walking into the living room, where Alex was.
I wanted to run after her, stop her, but I was frozen in place. My hands were shaking as my panic continued to build. I watched Lisa get Alex’s attention. I watched put her mouth right next to his ear so only he would hear her. Then I watched the smile on his face fall and his eyebrows pull together. My heart was lodged in my throat at this point. Then he looked up, right at me, through me, and when our eyes met I felt like someone had pulled the world out from under me.
There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say. He hated me, he had to.
He looked like he wanted to say something, but before he could get to me, I was gone, stumbling off the porch and around the side of his house, tearing across the front yard and across the street to my own house. I thought about going inside, hiding under the comforter on my bed and never coming out. But I knew that if Alex came looking for me, that would be the first place he’d look. And I couldn’t face him right now. I couldn’t face him, ever. How could I?
So I ran.
I kicked off my heels and carried them as I ran away from Alex’s house and the party inside it where, at the moment, my life was surely falling to pieces. I had no idea where I was running to, I just knew that I had to put as much distance between me and that house as possible. The air whooshed passed me, blowing cold air over the mascara-laced tear tracks striping my face. I could feel the concrete wearing through the bottom of my tights but I didn’t care. I ran for blocks, until blocks turned into streets and streets turned into miles.
Somehow, I ended up at a playground. No, not just a playground. The playground. The one where Alex and I went nearly every day after school during middle school. The one where I comforted him after Tom died and where he held my hand after my dad died. Over the last seven years, neither of us had ever gone there with anyone else. It was ours. Our secret.
But now, as I looked at the old swing set and monkey bars and the huge oak tree Alex and I had sat under so many times together, my stomach twisted with sadness and regret, more tears falling as a result. Something about being there without him felt wrong. I walked forward and sat down under the tree, leaning with my back against the bark.
What would happen now? Alex knew everything. He knew how I felt, and there was no way that Lisa hadn’t told him all of the awful things I said to her. Alex and I hardly ever got angry with each other, but this felt a lot like an exception.
Nothing about being there at the moment felt right. That playground had always meant safety and comfort, a haven, a place where I left my problems on the sidewalk for an hour or four. But now, my problems were surrounding me in this space that I loved, and I wanted nothing more than to leave it. So, numbly, I stood up and began the walk home.
By the time I got back to my house, it was nearing 1 am, and the guys were just starting to leave. Alex was on his porch swing with Lisa next to him and they were talking; I didn’t want to know about what, but I had a pretty good idea. I turned my back to his house and started up my driveway before he could notice me.
I hesitated in my driveway, thinking about maybe going back and talking to Alex. Maybe none of this was so bad that we couldn’t fix it. But then I saw his face when Lisa told him everything, like a mix of anger and disappointment, and I knew he wouldn’t want to see me right now. I sighed as I made my way up the driveway and into the house. I made a beeline for the stairs and ran up to my room, closing the door behind me and not even bothering to turn on the lights. I threw myself down on my bed with a huff.
I just needed to give him some time. I mean, this was me and Alex we’re talking about. We’d had fights before and always gotten through them. Who’s to say that this had to be any different. I had just had a bit too much beer, and as a result I was overreacting a bit. I could still fix this. Everything would be fine eventually…
Right?
It was still dark when I woke up, curled up on the edge of my bed in a rather uncomfortable position. I craned my neck to glance at my alarm clock. It was almost 3 am. I sat up, my stiff muscles yelling out in protest, and got to my feet.
I undid my skirt and pulled off my tights, leaving them where they fell on my floor. I pulled my shirt and bra off and tossed them behind me as well as I padded over to my dresser for a tshirt to sleep in. I opened the top drawer and pulled out the first one my hand touched. I tugged it down over my head and smiled, realizing from how big it was on me and the faint scent of Alex’s cologne that lingered on the fabric that it was the old Foo Fighters tshirt that he’d given me.
I wrapped my arms around my middle. At the thought of Alex, I felt my sadness from a few hours ago creeping back in. I turned around to climb back into bed, but a knock on my window made me jump about ten feet in the air. Speak of the devil.
Hesitantly, I crossed the room and lifted the blinds, revealing Alex with his fist raised mid-knock on the other side of my window. He smiled swiftly, waving at me.
I rolled my eyes as I unlocked the window and pushed it up. “What the hell, Alex?” I whisper-yelled, taking a few steps back so he could get in.
“What? It’s not like this is the first time I showed up at your window.”
He was right. He figured out how to climb up the drain pipe to get to my window years ago. Earlier in high school, there was a time where he would come over that way almost every night.
But that stopped as soon as he started dating Lisa.
“What are you doing here?”
He reached into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled out a grey beanie. My beanie. I raised an eyebrow quizzically. “You came here to give me my beanie?”
“Well, yeah,” he said, shifting his weight awkwardly. “You left it at my house ages ago, remember? I’ve been meaning to give it back to you but I keep forgetting, so,” he held it out for me to take it, “here.”
I took it, still looking at him with an apprehensive expression. “And you felt the need to come over and give this to me at three o’clock in the morning?” I asked, nodding my head to my alarm clock to emphasize my point. He just shrugged, but there was something in his face, something he wanted to say but couldn’t, or wouldn’t.
“I meant to give it to you before you left the party, but you ran out so fast I didn’t get a chance,” he said, eyeing me carefully. I felt myself freeze up at the mention of the party, and I suddenly found the chipping nail polish on my fingers very interesting. Alex and I had never been awkward around each other; that was just the nature of our friendship. But now, there was this… this tension hanging in the air, and I hated it.
“Oh, right, well,” I said, stumbling over my words. “My, uh, my mom texted me and, uh,” I turned around and pretended to mess with something on my dresser so I didn’t have to look at him, “said that she wanted--”
“Shay,” the way he said my name sent the tiniest shiver down my back, “we have to talk about it.”
I turned around and leaned back against my dresser, staring at the ground, still unable to meet Alex’s eyes. “Really? Cause I was, uh, kind of hoping that we could just, you know, pretend it never happened,” I said, laughing nervously.
There was about thirty seconds during which neither of us said anything, then Alex was the one to break it. “I broke up with Lisa.”
My head shot up at his words, not totally sure I’d heard him correctly. He what? “You what?”
“We broke up. Just about an hour ago, actually,” he repeated, and I swear the smallest hint of a smile curled his mouth. I felt a whirlwind of emotions in the span of five seconds.
“Wow,” I said stupidly. I wasn’t sure what to say. “I don’t… I don’t know-- why?” I stammered out.
He shrugged, taking a couple idle steps further into the room. “Different reasons. I think it’s been coming for a while, I just didn’t realize it. She’s been complaining about tour ever since she found out about it, which is super annoying. She’s been really unsupportive of the band in general recently. Or, at least not as supportive as you, for instance.”
I couldn’t help but smile when he looked at me, his own smile growing. I looked back down at the carpet when I felt my cheeks glowing with blush, but my smile was stuck.
“Then I think what happened tonight was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, you know? It just seemed like it was time to end it. Besides, I think we were bound to break up when the band started touring cause I don’t think either of us were up for long distance anyway, so I think getting it over with now was just smarter.”
“Wait,” I said, rewinding through his words to focus on what he said about the party. “So, you’re not mad at me, you know, for what happened?”
“No Shay, I’m not,” he said reassuringly, and I swear it felt like an anvil was lifted off my chest. “I mean, I was at first, but then I talked to Jack about what happened, and he filled me in on all the stuff Lisa was saying to you.” Alex shook his head, frowning just thinking about it. “I mean, I know she can get a bit jealous, but that? I mean that was just straight up cruel. And I don’t want to date a person like that. Besides,” he paused, looking back at me and taking two more steps forward. “I’m not okay with anyone treating you like that. Period.”
The smile on my face got stupidly larger. “Well good, I’m glad we’re okay,” I said quietly. This time I took a step forward. We were just a couple feet away from each other now. “And I’m sorry for causing a problem in the first place. I didn’t mean to--”
“Hey, you have nothing to apologize for,” Alex cut in, his face oddly earnest as he reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. My skin glowed under his touch. “I don’t blame you for anything. This was all her.” He looked down at the shirt I was wearing and smiled, noticing for the first time that it was his. “You’re wearing my shirt,” he said.
“Yeah, I guess I am,” I said, absentmindedly fingering the hem that fell a few inches above my knee. “Why? Do you want it back? Cause I can--”
“No, no,” he cut me off again, still smiling. “I gave it to you, so it’s yours.” He paused, looking at me up and down. I was suddenly aware of my bare legs. “Besides, it looks better on you anyway.”
There were another few moments of silence, but it wasn’t tense this time. Although I still felt something hanging in the air between us, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
“You know, there’s one other reason I broke things off with Lisa,” said Alex, reaching up to touch my arm lightly, his hand lingering.
“Oh?” I said dumbly, because the skin-to-skin contact with him was interfering with my cerebral functioning.
“Yeah,” he said, staring at the place where he was touching me, and I had to try hard not to do the same. “There’s, uh, there’s this girl.” It could’ve been the early morning light filtering in through the window, but I swear he was blushing. “She’s really cool, and smart, and she makes me laugh and she gets me better than anyone. She’s...” he paused, looking me directly in the eye as he went on to say, “she’s my best friend.” As he said that, his hand slid down my arm and slid easily into mine, like it should’ve been there all along.
My heart sped up considerably.
“I think, if I’m being honest with myself,” he continued, not once breaking eye contact. “The only reason I was really ever with Lisa in the first place was because I thought that there was no chance in hell that she’d ever want me, but a new bit of information has fallen into my lap recently that sort of changes things.”
I felt my throat go dry at the last part, feeling like my heart was going to burst from my chest and give itself to him. If he was saying what I thought he was saying...
“Really?” I said, searching his eyes for something I didn’t know I was looking for. My voice was barely above a whisper. “W-who is it?”
His face was so earnest and honest and open, more so than I’d ever seen it, and when his gorgeous, arresting smile curled onto his face I felt like I could’ve jumped out of my window and flown. He took my other hand in his as he said, “I think you know.”
I swallowed, and I was sure that my blush was as red as my hair. “I do too, but I have a tendency to jump to conclu--”
Screw flying. When Alex’s lips touched mine, I felt like I was rocketed into another dimension.
Everything stopped. Nothing else happened. No one existed but the two of us for that moment in time. His lips were a little bit chapped but completely perfect and they turned me inside out as they moved with mine.
He let go of my hands and cupped the sides of my neck instead, my skin going from glowing to burning under his touch. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I just wanted him close, closer. My whole body buzzed as we lost our breaths in each others mouths. I wanted to live in this moment.
My lips tingled when we pulled apart, feeling the after effects of Alex. His forehead was set against mine, our breaths mingling together in the micro space between our faces.
“Wow,” I exhaled, my eyes still closed. “That was…”
“Late,” Alex finished, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. “Years late.”
I smiled, opening my eyes again to look at him. He was smiling too, and staring at me so intently I almost felt like I was shrinking. “What?”
“Nothing,” he said, cupping my cheek with his palm. “You’re just so beautiful.” I bit my lip to keep from smiling again, ducking my head to hide my beat-red skin. But Alex put a finger under my chin and lifted my face to his.
“Well, you’re not so bad yourself,” I said jokingly. He laughed, leaning his forehead against mine.
“I am so in love with you, Shayley Walker,” he whispered like a confession, his eyes scanning my face like he was trying to memorize it. My heart soared as he leaned in and kissed me again. I used to think about what it would feel like to hear him say that to me, but never in my deepest thoughts did I think it would feel like this. I didn’t think I’d ever been so happy in my eighteen years on this earth.
“I love you more, Alex Gaskarth,” I breathed against his lips before capturing them in my own. I threaded my fingers through his hair, and he pulled me impossibly closer to him, his arms curled around my waist.
He shook his head when we pulled away again to breath, walking us backwards until my legs hit my bedframe. “Not possible.”
Then I fell back against the mattress and pulled him down with me, over me. Our lips fell into each other again as we moved up the bed so my head was on the pillow. Alex’s hands started moving, smoothing down my sides then back up under my shirt, spanning the small of my back. His touch was intoxicating and I wanted more. Needed more.
I reached between us and pulled the zipper down on his hoodie, pushing the sleeves off his shoulders, in the process revealing that he’d been wearing no shirt underneath. We broke away briefly as he shrugged the jacket off the rest of the way and tossed it carelessly onto the floor. He leaned back over me, messing with the hem of his tshirt.
“You sure?” he barely whispered. I nodded, matching grins growing on both our faces. I pulled his face back down to meet mine in a heated kiss, leaving me breathless as he pulled away just long enough to rid me of my shirt as well.
We had a lot of lost time to make up for.
Normally, I would jump at the chance to hang out with guys away from school or band practice, especially since they were leaving for tour in two days. But I knew that, since it was Alex’s party, Lisa would be there too. And after my run-in with her at Rian’s, I wasn’t looking forward to being around her tonight, especially considering that when Alex drinks, he gets extra touchy-feely. I was hardly in the mood to watch them cuddle and make out all night.
But, then again, I had told Alex I would be there, and I knew if I didn’t show he’d come looking for me to see if I was okay. I didn’t know if I could talk my way around that question again.
So, with dread pooling in the pit of my stomach, I picked up my purse and went downstairs, letting my mom know that I was leaving before I was out the door and crossing the street to Alex’s house.
I let myself in the front door and walked through the front hallway to the living room, where I found everyone gathered, some sitting on the couch or chairs and some on the floor, but all with drinks in their hands. Alex, who was perched on the arm of the couch, was the first to notice my arrival. He grinned when he saw me, which made me smile in turn. I couldn’t help it; it was a gut reaction.
“Shay! Hey,” he said cheerily, causing the rest of the guys to look my way and echo his greeting. I smiled and called a hey in response, waving at them. Alex got up from his spot on the couch and jogged over to me, pulling me into a quick hug. “I’m so glad you could make it!”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, all of my doubts from earlier going out the window at the smile on his face.
“Well, we’re all just chilling in here,” he said, nodding towards where our friends were all talking and laughing behind him. “I’ll get you a drink. Just go ahead and sit. I saved you a seat on the couch.” He pointed to the couch, where there was an empty spot in between Jack and the armrest where Alex had been sitting earlier.
I nodded as he headed towards the kitchen, leaving me to make my way over to the couch. “What’s up, buttercup?” I said, dropping onto the couch next to Jack.
“Doth mine eyes deceive me, or was Shayley Walker actually late for something?” he said with mock surprise.
“Shove it, Barakat,” I said, smacking his arm. But he just smiled, ruffling my hair in retaliation.
“You feeling better?” he asked, referring to our conversation from earlier.
I shrugged, fixing my slightly mussed hair. “Average, I guess.” I curled my legs up under myself, leaning into the corner of the couch and the armrest. I looked around the room; Rian and Matt were squished into the couch on the other side of Jack, Zack and Danny were sitting in the armchairs across from the couch, and Nano, Vinny, and Grieco were sat on the floor in the middle.
I smiled when I realized that Lisa was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Lisa?” I asked Jack, trying to keep my voice light.
Jack’s eyebrows pulled together, clearly confused by my question. “Did Alex not tell you?”
“Tell me what?” I asked, intrigued and concerned at the same time.
“Alex and Lisa got in a huge fight, not long after you left practice earlier,” explained Jack. I hated myself for the small amount of happiness the news gave me.
“So, wait, it happened at Rian’s? With you guys still there?”
“Yeah, it was brutal.” Jack shook his head, taking a drink from his beer. “And it was sort of out of the blue. She made a super backhanded comment about how long he was upstairs talking to you, and then before any of us knew it she was yelling about how he wasn’t spending enough time with her, and then of course she brought up tour, and how he wasn’t committed enough to her because he was leaving. Then she just sort of stormed out.”
“Well shit,” I said lowly, working hard to keep a smile from my face. “That sucks.” Jack gave me a look, raising an eyebrow incredulously. “For Alex,” I clarified. “That sucks for Alex.”
He just rolled his eyes, taking another sip of beer. “Yeah, I can tell you’re all cut up about it.”
“One Stella for the lady!”
I turned to see Alex sitting back down on the arm of the couch. He handed me a bottle of my favorite beer and I smiled appreciatively. "Why thank you, good sir."
"My pleasure,” said Alex, a silly grin on his face. For someone who was fighting with their girlfriend, he seemed pretty cheery.
“So Shay,” said Matt, making me shift in my seat to face his direction, leaning back against Alex’s side. “Have you decided yet that spending summer alone here is stupid and boring and that you’d be way better off coming on the road with us?”
I laughed but shook my head. “You guys know I’d go with you in a heartbeat, but there’s no way my mom would ever go for it.” I didn’t even have to ask my mom to know that going around the country with a group of eighteen year old boys for a month and half would would be a no-go before I even finished the question.
“Oh come on,” piped up Danny, who, to know one’s surprise, was already beginning to slur his words. He was the lightest light-weight in the history of time. “You’re eighteen years old, do you really have to listen to what your mom says anymore?” he teased.
“With a mom like hers? It’d be suicide not to,” Alex spoke for me, while Jack just nodded his head somberly. They were the two people I ranted about my mom to the most, and the only two of my friends who had been unfortunate enough to witness one of our fights. And by “fight,” I mean my mom reaming the shit out of me while I can barely get a word in edgewise.
I took a sip of my own beer, pointing up at Alex and saying, “Yeah, what he said.”
“Yeah, yeah, but like, really, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you just left?” asked Rian naively. His question actually made me laugh, out loud.
“Does the word ‘stroke’ mean anything to you?” I scoffed, laughing bitterly. “It means so much to me that you guys want me along, really, but there’s just no way in hell that I could possibly convince her.”
“I know. We understand,” said Jack. “We wouldn’t want to get you in trouble or anything. We’re just gonna miss you.”
“Yeah, it’s not gonna be nearly as rad as it would be if you were there,” said Matt, and the rest of the guys agreed.
I smiled but just shook my head, a blush growing on my face from all the attention. “Oh please. You guys are going on tour. After a few shows you guys won’t even notice I’m not there.”
“Are you kidding? You’re the only one who balances out all of our crazy shit,” Jack responded.
“Yeah, you’re like the normal glue that holds all of our insanity together,” added Alex, putting his arm around my shoulders from behind.
The next few hours rushed by, and to be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had that much fun. I forgot how easy it used to be to hang out with the guys before Lisa came along. When she was around, I always felt like I couldn’t relax, like she was judging everything word I said. I almost felt like I was trying to prove I belonged in the group, which is completely ridiculous, because, not to sound petty or anything, but I was part of it first. More specifically, I was part of Alex’s life first.
But anyway, without her there, I didn’t have to worry about that. I relaxed completely and laughed and drank with my friends, and after a few hours, I had completely forgotten why I didn’t want to come in the first place.
Around 11, we were hanging out in the kitchen, having just finished an intense beer pong tournament (I won, not that it matters), and Jack was outside setting up a bonfire in Alex’s fire-pit because, to everyone’s great surprise, he’d had the least to drink all night and was therefore the most competent to handle fire. Well, technically I’d had the least to drink, but all night Alex had been very adamant that I stay with him. Buzzed Alex had a tendency to be a bit more affectionate than Sober Alex, so I figured it was just because he was on his fifth beer of the night, not drunk, but not necessarily sober either. Besides, it’s not like I was complaining.
Zack and Matt were in the middle of reenacting a scene from South Park when they were cut short by the door bell. “Jack probably managed to lock himself out,” said Alex, shaking his head. He excused himself to go get the door, and returned a moment later, not with Jack, but with Lisa.
So much for relaxing.
The pair stood next to each other awkwardly, the tension from their fight clearly still there. “Hey guys,” said Lisa meekly.
“Do you guys want to be alone?” asked Rian. “Cause we can go some--”
“Uh, no, I actually wanted to talk to Shay.”
My head shot up immediately, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Come again?”
“I just need to talk to you about something,” she said, looking at me nicely for the first time, well, ever. “You know, girl to girl.” She somehow managed a genuine looking smile. I did my best to reciprocate.
“Um, okay,” I said slowly, glancing at Alex for some sort of explanation. But he just shrugged, looking as confused and as uneasy as I felt. Lisa and I had never spoken more than a sentence to each other. Why, all of a sudden, did she need to talk to me?
“Is there somewhere we can talk in private?” she asked, her question directed at Alex.
“Uh, yeah, you can go to the backyard if you want,” he said, clearly very unsure of what was going on.
“Okay,” she said, turning on her heel and walking back out of the kitchen without even waiting for me to follow.
“Well okay then,” I mumbled, running into the living room to catch up with her, my dread from earlier making another appearance.
I found Lisa on the back porch, leaning with her arms set on the porch railing and staring at the bonfire Jack had started. Jack himself wasn’t there; he must’ve gone back in through the front door. Feeling more uncomfortable than I had in my entire life, I walked up to Lisa and leaned with my back against the railing instead, and at least a good three feet away from her.
“So,” I said stiffly, staring through the glass sliding door to the living room, where the guys were slowly migrating back to. “What’s up?”
“Well, I know we don’t talk much, or at all, really, but I was kind of hoping that could change,” she said, taking me by surprise. She’d hated me for years, and now she wanted to be friends? I frowned, diverting my gaze to look at her. It was dark out but the fire lit up her face enough for me to see the emotionless expression on her face. And I could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn’t mean a word of what she was saying. “I just think, we both clearly care about Alex a lot, and I think that it would make him happy if we were friends, you know?”
“No, I don’t,” I said, which was clearly not the response she was anticipating.
She turned to look at me directly for the first time that night, surprise and indignation written all over her face. “What?”
“Look, I know you don’t like me, and I’m not a huge fan of you either, so could you please do both of us a favor and cut the bullshit?” I said bluntly, squaring my shoulders so I was looking at her as well. “What do you want, really?”
Lisa’s surprise disappeared and instead her face turned hard, folding her arms in front of her. “Fine,” she replied, a razor’s edge to her voice. “You’re right, I don’t like you. I don’t like how much time you spend with Alex, and I don’t like how close you two are, especially recently,” she said, no doubt referring to the conversation she’d walked in on earlier that day. “You spend a lot of time alone with him and I’m really not comfortable with that.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes, doing my best to stay collected. “Okay, well, Alex and I were best friends for four years before you guys even met,” I said, feeling almost like I was gloating. “What, did you expect him to just stop hanging out with me when you started dating?”
“No, but I also certainly didn’t expect him to spend more time with you than he does with me.”
“How or with whom Alex wants to spend his time is his decision. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
“Oh really? Because the more time he spends with you lately, the more we fight.”
I groaned. I was starting to get really frustrated now. “Look Lisa, whatever problems you guys have been having are between you and Alex. I’m sorry that you guys are fighting a lot, but--”
“Are you, Shay? Are you sorry? Because if you ask me, I think you’re loving it,” she sneered. “I think that this is what you’ve wanted to happen.”
“Lisa? Shay?” Both of us stopped and turned to see Jack, who had somehow managed to reappear in the yard while we had been arguing. He looked back and forth between Lisa and me a few times, concern evident on his face. “What’s going on?”
“Stay out of it, Jack,” Lisa snapped. He stayed quiet, but he didn’t leave, and I felt him watching me carefully.
Before Lisa could say anything else, I said, feeling piqued, “Why in the hell would I be happy about you two arguing?” Okay, maybe I wasn’t upset about it, but it’s not like I was celebrating, either. I knew that fighting with Lisa stressed Alex out and made him upset, and I’d never be happy about his unhappiness.
“Because you’re in love with him,” she said, a look on her face like she had won something.
I froze up at her words, my anxiety going through the roof in a matter of seconds. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jack react in a similar way. I’d always thought that she knew I liked Alex, but I had no idea she knew how much. “What?”
Lisa laughed coldly, her lips turning up in a smirk. “Please, you think I haven’t noticed? It’s so obvious. The way you follow him around like a lost puppy, hanging onto every word he says; it’s kind of pathetic, if you ask me.” She hurdled the words in my face like they were supposed to hurt me. But they just made me mad. “I mean, what do you think is gonna happen when he leaves for tour? He’s gonna have much better things to do than keep in touch with some friend from high school. And by the time he gets back, and you’re gone away to college, what reason is he gonna have to even think about you anymore?”
Okay, that hurt.
“Woah, Lisa, that’s really not cool--”
“Shut it, Barakat,” she snapped at Jack again, making me even more mad, before she rounded on me again. “You think he cares about you so much? All of his friends are going with him except for you. If you’re such good friends then why is he leaving you behind?”
“Shut up,” I murmured, feeling angry tears build up right behind my eyes. I looked down, blinking hard to keep them at bay. I refused to cry in front of Lisa. She just barrelled on.
“I know what you’ve been doing. You’ve been slandering me, filling his ear with horrible things about me every time we have a fight and he runs to you to talk about it. You’re trying to turn him against me, and you have been ever since we started going out.” She smiled smugly, clearly thinking she had me all figured out.
I laughed loudly at the ridiculousness of her accusation. Any sadness I had been feeling a moment ago had gone as fast as it appeared. I was just mad now-- really mad. “Wow Lisa, I always knew you were a bitch, but I never knew you were so insane,” I said coldly, now with my own smirk. Yeah, it might’ve been a bit harsh, but I was just returning the favor.
My words knocked the smug expression off her face, replacing it with one of insult. “What the hell is your problem?!”
“You’re my problem!” I shouted. I was over the edge now; there was no going back. “And yeah, maybe I do have feelings for Alex, but don’t presume to know me just because you got that one thing right. You have no right to accuse me of doing something like that. Besides the fact that he doesn’t even talk to me about you or your fights, I would never manipulate him like that.
“Yeah, I don’t like you. But that has nothing to do with the way I feel about Alex and everything to do with the simple fact that you don’t deserve him.” Lisa looked like I’d just slapped her, but that only egged me on further. “You’re a waste of his time and his energy, and he deserves someone better. And not that it’s any of your business, but the only reason I’m not going on tour with the guys is because my mom isn’t okay with it. But Alex did invite me, which is more than I can say for you.
“Alex and I have been best friends for seven years, and if you think for one second that he cares about you more or even as much as he cares about me then you’re a fucking idiot.”
By the time I was done I was fuming. I felt like my anger was spilling out of my burning ears and shaking fingers. My whole face felt hot. I had no idea where the courage to say all of that had come from, and I was losing confidence in my words more and more as the seconds passed.
Lisa, on the other hand, instead of looking angered by my outburst, was smirking. I narrowed my eyes in confusion as she abruptly turned and began walking to the door.
“Where are you going?”
She turned back to me, a huge, shit-eating grin on her face that just made me more angry. “To talk to Alex. I think he would be very interested to hear how much his so-called best friend hates the girl he loves, don’t you?”
At her words, I felt the ground drop out, panic shooting through every vein in my body. Alex may have been mad at Lisa at the moment but there would be no way he’d be okay with me saying the things I’d just said to her. I had basically just called their two year relationship a waste of time.
“No, wait, you can’t,” I stuttered out, but I knew that it wouldn’t do any good.
“Oh, yes I can. And I will.”
“Lisa, wait!” I heard Jack yell as he ran up to the porch, but she was already sliding open the glass door and walking into the living room, where Alex was.
I wanted to run after her, stop her, but I was frozen in place. My hands were shaking as my panic continued to build. I watched Lisa get Alex’s attention. I watched put her mouth right next to his ear so only he would hear her. Then I watched the smile on his face fall and his eyebrows pull together. My heart was lodged in my throat at this point. Then he looked up, right at me, through me, and when our eyes met I felt like someone had pulled the world out from under me.
There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say. He hated me, he had to.
He looked like he wanted to say something, but before he could get to me, I was gone, stumbling off the porch and around the side of his house, tearing across the front yard and across the street to my own house. I thought about going inside, hiding under the comforter on my bed and never coming out. But I knew that if Alex came looking for me, that would be the first place he’d look. And I couldn’t face him right now. I couldn’t face him, ever. How could I?
So I ran.
I kicked off my heels and carried them as I ran away from Alex’s house and the party inside it where, at the moment, my life was surely falling to pieces. I had no idea where I was running to, I just knew that I had to put as much distance between me and that house as possible. The air whooshed passed me, blowing cold air over the mascara-laced tear tracks striping my face. I could feel the concrete wearing through the bottom of my tights but I didn’t care. I ran for blocks, until blocks turned into streets and streets turned into miles.
Somehow, I ended up at a playground. No, not just a playground. The playground. The one where Alex and I went nearly every day after school during middle school. The one where I comforted him after Tom died and where he held my hand after my dad died. Over the last seven years, neither of us had ever gone there with anyone else. It was ours. Our secret.
But now, as I looked at the old swing set and monkey bars and the huge oak tree Alex and I had sat under so many times together, my stomach twisted with sadness and regret, more tears falling as a result. Something about being there without him felt wrong. I walked forward and sat down under the tree, leaning with my back against the bark.
What would happen now? Alex knew everything. He knew how I felt, and there was no way that Lisa hadn’t told him all of the awful things I said to her. Alex and I hardly ever got angry with each other, but this felt a lot like an exception.
Nothing about being there at the moment felt right. That playground had always meant safety and comfort, a haven, a place where I left my problems on the sidewalk for an hour or four. But now, my problems were surrounding me in this space that I loved, and I wanted nothing more than to leave it. So, numbly, I stood up and began the walk home.
By the time I got back to my house, it was nearing 1 am, and the guys were just starting to leave. Alex was on his porch swing with Lisa next to him and they were talking; I didn’t want to know about what, but I had a pretty good idea. I turned my back to his house and started up my driveway before he could notice me.
I hesitated in my driveway, thinking about maybe going back and talking to Alex. Maybe none of this was so bad that we couldn’t fix it. But then I saw his face when Lisa told him everything, like a mix of anger and disappointment, and I knew he wouldn’t want to see me right now. I sighed as I made my way up the driveway and into the house. I made a beeline for the stairs and ran up to my room, closing the door behind me and not even bothering to turn on the lights. I threw myself down on my bed with a huff.
I just needed to give him some time. I mean, this was me and Alex we’re talking about. We’d had fights before and always gotten through them. Who’s to say that this had to be any different. I had just had a bit too much beer, and as a result I was overreacting a bit. I could still fix this. Everything would be fine eventually…
Right?
It was still dark when I woke up, curled up on the edge of my bed in a rather uncomfortable position. I craned my neck to glance at my alarm clock. It was almost 3 am. I sat up, my stiff muscles yelling out in protest, and got to my feet.
I undid my skirt and pulled off my tights, leaving them where they fell on my floor. I pulled my shirt and bra off and tossed them behind me as well as I padded over to my dresser for a tshirt to sleep in. I opened the top drawer and pulled out the first one my hand touched. I tugged it down over my head and smiled, realizing from how big it was on me and the faint scent of Alex’s cologne that lingered on the fabric that it was the old Foo Fighters tshirt that he’d given me.
I wrapped my arms around my middle. At the thought of Alex, I felt my sadness from a few hours ago creeping back in. I turned around to climb back into bed, but a knock on my window made me jump about ten feet in the air. Speak of the devil.
Hesitantly, I crossed the room and lifted the blinds, revealing Alex with his fist raised mid-knock on the other side of my window. He smiled swiftly, waving at me.
I rolled my eyes as I unlocked the window and pushed it up. “What the hell, Alex?” I whisper-yelled, taking a few steps back so he could get in.
“What? It’s not like this is the first time I showed up at your window.”
He was right. He figured out how to climb up the drain pipe to get to my window years ago. Earlier in high school, there was a time where he would come over that way almost every night.
But that stopped as soon as he started dating Lisa.
“What are you doing here?”
He reached into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled out a grey beanie. My beanie. I raised an eyebrow quizzically. “You came here to give me my beanie?”
“Well, yeah,” he said, shifting his weight awkwardly. “You left it at my house ages ago, remember? I’ve been meaning to give it back to you but I keep forgetting, so,” he held it out for me to take it, “here.”
I took it, still looking at him with an apprehensive expression. “And you felt the need to come over and give this to me at three o’clock in the morning?” I asked, nodding my head to my alarm clock to emphasize my point. He just shrugged, but there was something in his face, something he wanted to say but couldn’t, or wouldn’t.
“I meant to give it to you before you left the party, but you ran out so fast I didn’t get a chance,” he said, eyeing me carefully. I felt myself freeze up at the mention of the party, and I suddenly found the chipping nail polish on my fingers very interesting. Alex and I had never been awkward around each other; that was just the nature of our friendship. But now, there was this… this tension hanging in the air, and I hated it.
“Oh, right, well,” I said, stumbling over my words. “My, uh, my mom texted me and, uh,” I turned around and pretended to mess with something on my dresser so I didn’t have to look at him, “said that she wanted--”
“Shay,” the way he said my name sent the tiniest shiver down my back, “we have to talk about it.”
I turned around and leaned back against my dresser, staring at the ground, still unable to meet Alex’s eyes. “Really? Cause I was, uh, kind of hoping that we could just, you know, pretend it never happened,” I said, laughing nervously.
There was about thirty seconds during which neither of us said anything, then Alex was the one to break it. “I broke up with Lisa.”
My head shot up at his words, not totally sure I’d heard him correctly. He what? “You what?”
“We broke up. Just about an hour ago, actually,” he repeated, and I swear the smallest hint of a smile curled his mouth. I felt a whirlwind of emotions in the span of five seconds.
“Wow,” I said stupidly. I wasn’t sure what to say. “I don’t… I don’t know-- why?” I stammered out.
He shrugged, taking a couple idle steps further into the room. “Different reasons. I think it’s been coming for a while, I just didn’t realize it. She’s been complaining about tour ever since she found out about it, which is super annoying. She’s been really unsupportive of the band in general recently. Or, at least not as supportive as you, for instance.”
I couldn’t help but smile when he looked at me, his own smile growing. I looked back down at the carpet when I felt my cheeks glowing with blush, but my smile was stuck.
“Then I think what happened tonight was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, you know? It just seemed like it was time to end it. Besides, I think we were bound to break up when the band started touring cause I don’t think either of us were up for long distance anyway, so I think getting it over with now was just smarter.”
“Wait,” I said, rewinding through his words to focus on what he said about the party. “So, you’re not mad at me, you know, for what happened?”
“No Shay, I’m not,” he said reassuringly, and I swear it felt like an anvil was lifted off my chest. “I mean, I was at first, but then I talked to Jack about what happened, and he filled me in on all the stuff Lisa was saying to you.” Alex shook his head, frowning just thinking about it. “I mean, I know she can get a bit jealous, but that? I mean that was just straight up cruel. And I don’t want to date a person like that. Besides,” he paused, looking back at me and taking two more steps forward. “I’m not okay with anyone treating you like that. Period.”
The smile on my face got stupidly larger. “Well good, I’m glad we’re okay,” I said quietly. This time I took a step forward. We were just a couple feet away from each other now. “And I’m sorry for causing a problem in the first place. I didn’t mean to--”
“Hey, you have nothing to apologize for,” Alex cut in, his face oddly earnest as he reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. My skin glowed under his touch. “I don’t blame you for anything. This was all her.” He looked down at the shirt I was wearing and smiled, noticing for the first time that it was his. “You’re wearing my shirt,” he said.
“Yeah, I guess I am,” I said, absentmindedly fingering the hem that fell a few inches above my knee. “Why? Do you want it back? Cause I can--”
“No, no,” he cut me off again, still smiling. “I gave it to you, so it’s yours.” He paused, looking at me up and down. I was suddenly aware of my bare legs. “Besides, it looks better on you anyway.”
There were another few moments of silence, but it wasn’t tense this time. Although I still felt something hanging in the air between us, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
“You know, there’s one other reason I broke things off with Lisa,” said Alex, reaching up to touch my arm lightly, his hand lingering.
“Oh?” I said dumbly, because the skin-to-skin contact with him was interfering with my cerebral functioning.
“Yeah,” he said, staring at the place where he was touching me, and I had to try hard not to do the same. “There’s, uh, there’s this girl.” It could’ve been the early morning light filtering in through the window, but I swear he was blushing. “She’s really cool, and smart, and she makes me laugh and she gets me better than anyone. She’s...” he paused, looking me directly in the eye as he went on to say, “she’s my best friend.” As he said that, his hand slid down my arm and slid easily into mine, like it should’ve been there all along.
My heart sped up considerably.
“I think, if I’m being honest with myself,” he continued, not once breaking eye contact. “The only reason I was really ever with Lisa in the first place was because I thought that there was no chance in hell that she’d ever want me, but a new bit of information has fallen into my lap recently that sort of changes things.”
I felt my throat go dry at the last part, feeling like my heart was going to burst from my chest and give itself to him. If he was saying what I thought he was saying...
“Really?” I said, searching his eyes for something I didn’t know I was looking for. My voice was barely above a whisper. “W-who is it?”
His face was so earnest and honest and open, more so than I’d ever seen it, and when his gorgeous, arresting smile curled onto his face I felt like I could’ve jumped out of my window and flown. He took my other hand in his as he said, “I think you know.”
I swallowed, and I was sure that my blush was as red as my hair. “I do too, but I have a tendency to jump to conclu--”
Screw flying. When Alex’s lips touched mine, I felt like I was rocketed into another dimension.
Everything stopped. Nothing else happened. No one existed but the two of us for that moment in time. His lips were a little bit chapped but completely perfect and they turned me inside out as they moved with mine.
He let go of my hands and cupped the sides of my neck instead, my skin going from glowing to burning under his touch. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I just wanted him close, closer. My whole body buzzed as we lost our breaths in each others mouths. I wanted to live in this moment.
My lips tingled when we pulled apart, feeling the after effects of Alex. His forehead was set against mine, our breaths mingling together in the micro space between our faces.
“Wow,” I exhaled, my eyes still closed. “That was…”
“Late,” Alex finished, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. “Years late.”
I smiled, opening my eyes again to look at him. He was smiling too, and staring at me so intently I almost felt like I was shrinking. “What?”
“Nothing,” he said, cupping my cheek with his palm. “You’re just so beautiful.” I bit my lip to keep from smiling again, ducking my head to hide my beat-red skin. But Alex put a finger under my chin and lifted my face to his.
“Well, you’re not so bad yourself,” I said jokingly. He laughed, leaning his forehead against mine.
“I am so in love with you, Shayley Walker,” he whispered like a confession, his eyes scanning my face like he was trying to memorize it. My heart soared as he leaned in and kissed me again. I used to think about what it would feel like to hear him say that to me, but never in my deepest thoughts did I think it would feel like this. I didn’t think I’d ever been so happy in my eighteen years on this earth.
“I love you more, Alex Gaskarth,” I breathed against his lips before capturing them in my own. I threaded my fingers through his hair, and he pulled me impossibly closer to him, his arms curled around my waist.
He shook his head when we pulled away again to breath, walking us backwards until my legs hit my bedframe. “Not possible.”
Then I fell back against the mattress and pulled him down with me, over me. Our lips fell into each other again as we moved up the bed so my head was on the pillow. Alex’s hands started moving, smoothing down my sides then back up under my shirt, spanning the small of my back. His touch was intoxicating and I wanted more. Needed more.
I reached between us and pulled the zipper down on his hoodie, pushing the sleeves off his shoulders, in the process revealing that he’d been wearing no shirt underneath. We broke away briefly as he shrugged the jacket off the rest of the way and tossed it carelessly onto the floor. He leaned back over me, messing with the hem of his tshirt.
“You sure?” he barely whispered. I nodded, matching grins growing on both our faces. I pulled his face back down to meet mine in a heated kiss, leaving me breathless as he pulled away just long enough to rid me of my shirt as well.
We had a lot of lost time to make up for.
Notes
next chapter!
just want to clarify that I love Lisa, and I'm super happy for her and Alex in real life. I definitely don't think of Lisa the same way that I portrayed her here, but I had to write her as kind of a bitch for the story to work.
hope you enjoyed! please leave a comment and let me know what you think
Oooh, okay, glad you don't mind me pointing stuff out! Some people find it annoying or don't want to be bothered, lol.
:D
6/14/17