sold my soul to the open road
tell me I'm alright
2005
“Oh, you have got to be shitting me,” I said, looking in disbelief at the scene before me.
“Someone please tell me this is a joke.”
“Sorry Shay’, it’s not. We’ve been trying for like half an hour. He won’t budge.”
“Well maybe you haven’t been trying hard enough,” I said to my best friend, still staring at the snoring figure in his bed with a mix of disappointment and exasperation. “Have you tried throwing him down the stairs?”
“Not a bad idea,” agreed Rian from his perch on Jack’s desk.
“We’re not throwing anyone down the stairs,” said Alex. “If anything that would make him less inclined to move.”
The three of us were gathered in Jack’s room, attempting to wake our friend up from his extreme hangover. We had agreed to meet here and all drive to the school together, but that wouldn’t happen if Jack remained in his vegetable-like state.
“Well, we need to do something. We have to be at the school in less than an hour and he hasn’t even showered yet,” I said, pulling a hand through my hair restlessly. Of course this would happen this morning, of all mornings. I hated being late more than anything, and I definitely did not want to be late this morning. “How did this even happen, anyway?” I said, turning to Rian. “I thought you said you were gonna keep him in check.”
The drummer held his hands up defensively. “Hey, I tried my best. You know how Jack gets at parties. Once he starts drinking it’s like trying to stop a train. It can’t be done.”
I just groaned, turning back to look at Jack again. “Why do you drink so much?!” I shouted uselessly, only getting a tired, nearly dead sounding moan in response.
“Shay, hey,” said Alex, walking over to me and putting his hands on my shoulders in attempt to relax me. “Everything’s gonna be fine. The school is just a five minute drive from here; we’ve got plenty of time.”
I made eye contact with Alex, feeling myself relax the slightest bit when I met his chocolate irises. I nodded and sighed deeply. “I know, I’m fine. It’s just, we’ve been waiting for this day for four years and--”
“I know, Shay’,” soothed Alex, taking one of my hands in his own and squeezing it. I smiled at the small gesture. “I know how important this is, especially for you. And we’ll get you there, I promise. Even if it means leaving that useless sack of piss here,” he said, making me laugh lightly.
My eyes caught on an empty solo cup strewn idly on the floor, giving me an idea. I picked up the plastic cup and went into the bathroom connected to Jack’s bedroom to fill it up with cold water.
Jack was gonna get up whether he wanted to or not.
“Uh, Shay’, what are you-- oh,” Rian stopped as I dumped the contents of the cup on Jack’s head. He immediately shot up, coughing and sputtering and trying to get the water from his eyes. I smirked.
“What the fuck, man?!” Jack yelled, or tried to at least, his voice croaky from hangover.
“Graduation, that’s what,” I retorted louder, making Jack wince and glare at me. “And if you make us miss it Barakat I can guarantee a face full of something way worse than water.”
After a few seconds, recollection showed on Jack’s face and, seeing the three of us already dressed and wearing our gowns, smiled sheepishly and immediately got to his feet, clearing his throat awkwardly.
“Okay, well I guess I’ll, uh, hop in the shower then,” he said, shuffling to his bathroom with his head down. I smiled, satisfied with myself. Alex and I ducked out so Jack could get ready, while Rian elected to stay to make sure that Jack didn’t fall asleep in the shower or anything.
“So,” I said as we sat down on the couch in the living room. “How does it feel to be done with school forever?”
Alex grinned at the question, showing his answer on his face. “Pretty damn amazing,” he said, ruffling his hair.
I almost believed him, until I saw his smile falter, just for a millisecond. And I might have written it off as nothing if I didn’t know him so well. After being friends with him for nearly seven years, I could always tell when he was hiding something, even if no one else could. And he was the same way with me. We couldn’t keep anything from each other, even if we wanted to. It was the best and worst part of our friendship.
“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” I said, eyeing his face carefully.
“No, really, it’s awesome,” he said, although he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. “I can’t wait for tour to start. It’s gonna be rad!”
“Alex, come on,” I said. His face fell.
“But.. also kind of terrifying, I guess,” he conceded. “Cause, you know we’re leaving for our first real tour in a couple weeks, and this is sort of Make It or Break It time for us. Things could be awesome, or we could seriously fuck up. This is our one chance, you know? I would never forgive myself if I messed this up for us.”
“Alex,” I began, and this time I was the one squeezing his hand reassuringly. “You and Jack and Rian and Zack are the four most talented people I’ve ever met.”
Alex scoffed. “You’re just saying that because you have to.”
“No I’m not, you punk,” I argued, making Alex crack a smile-- a small one, but still a smile. “You guys are amazing. All you have to do is watch any crowd that you play for to know that. They feed off of your energy. It’s like your music gives them an injection of speed; they go crazy for it. I mean you’re signed to Hopeless, for god’s sake!”
Alex smiled humbly, scratching the back of his head. He shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. But what if our first album sucks? What if they drop us? What if the--”
“Woah, Lex, slow down” I said, squeezing his hand again. It was weird seeing Alex so insecure. He was always so confident about himself and his music; I had no idea he was doubting himself so much. “Look, it’s totally understandable that you’re nervous about all this. It is a huge opportunity for you guys.”
“Not exactly making me feel better here, Shay,” he said, raising his eyebrows at me.
“But,” I said, continuing anyway, “you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Yeah, there’s always a chance that something could go wrong, but there’s also a chance, a more likely chance, if you ask me, that things will end up going the way that you want them to. It may not end up exactly how you planned, but worrying about it now won’t change what happens later.”
Alex was quiet for a moment, taking in what I said. Then he sighed, looking at me and smiling. “Yeah, you’re right, I guess. Worrying isn’t gonna make anything better.” Then he pulled me into a hug, kissing my cheek appreciatively. I prayed he wouldn’t notice the blush that grew where his lips touched. He let me go a few moments later and said, “When did you get so wise?”
I laughed, shaking my head. “I’m not. You’re just such a huge idiot that being around you makes me look smarter.”
Alex rolled his eyes, shoving me playfully. “You suck, Walker.”
“You love me, Gaskarth,” I shot back, smirking.
“Yeah, I guess I do, don’t I,” he said with mock reluctance.
A moment later, Jack came lumbering down the stairs with Rian in tow, his hair uncharacteristically flat.
“Dude what’s up with your hair?”
“Well, I was going to do it, but SOMEBODY,” he said, looking at Rian pointedly, “said there wasn’t enough time, so, this.” He gestured to his head dramatically. “Graduation featuring the mop.”
“Yeah, well if you wanted to do your hair you should’ve gotten up a bit earlier,” Rian said, patting Jack’s shoulder.
“Bit me, Dawson,” he grumbled, shrugging off his hand. “Are we going or what?”
“Yes, definitely,” I said, Alex and I both getting to our feet. We left the house, all climbing into Jack’s mom’s minivan.
“Let’s go fucking GRADUATE!” cheered Alex as we pulled out of the driveway, starting the drive to Dulaney High School for the last time.
“Lipstick has a way of leaving more than just a mark on sheets. Color in my senses cherry red, at least for this week.”
Alex’s eyes were closed as he sang into the mic, his fingers moving over the fretboard of his guitar like they had a mind of their own. I stared shamelessly at him, not caring that the other guys would undoubtedly notice. I loved sitting in on band practice, mostly because watching and listening to the guys play was nothing less than mesmerizing. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t also enjoy watching Alex, specifically.
Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t in a creepy way. It’s just that Alex was always the most open and raw when he was performing. It was his element, his natural habitat, if you will. He got so sucked into the songs and you could see every emotion he was feeling on his face.
Listening and watching Alex sing from my spot on Rian’s basement couch-- that was when I loved him the most.
“That was sick,” said Jack when the song ended, wiping his face with a towel.
“Yeah, seriously, you guys play that on tour, the crowd is gonna go nuts,” I piped up.
“Maybe. I think we should rework the bridge, though. There’s something that feels off,” Alex thought out loud, playing the chords from the bridge as if to prove it. He frowned, shaking his head. “I don’t know.” He turned to look at me. “Shay, what do you think?”
I looked at the other guys, who were all looking back at me expectantly. “You guys really care what I think?”
“Of course we do,” said Jack, as if it were obvious. “You have way more experience than Alex or me.”
I blushed, shaking my head. “Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far--”
“I would,” said Alex, smiling at me. “You don’t give yourself enough credit.” He took the guitar strap off his shoulder, holding out the instrument for me to take. “Here.”
I hesitated for a moment, before getting up and tentatively taking the guitar from Alex, putting the strap around my own shoulders.
“Well, I really like what you have now, but the only thing I might change is doing G then B instead of B then G on ‘get out while you can’,” I said. “Here, listen.”
I played the bridge with the change, singing along to show how the switch sounded better with the vocals. When I finished and looked back up at the guys, Alex was grinning.
“You fixed it!” he exclaimed as I handed his guitar back to him. “For the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out what was off and I could never put my finger on it, but that was it! It’s perfect.”
I smiled, happy that I had made Alex so happy. “You’re welcome, I guess.”
“Thank you thank you thank you!” said Alex excitedly, putting the guitar down in its stand to hug me.
“See? This is why we want to know what you think,” said Jack.
“What’s everyone so excited about?”
At the sound of the familiar female voice my whole body tensed as Alex released his hold on me. I stepped to the side so he could go to meet her on the steps.
“Hey Lis’,” he said happily, greeting her with a kiss that made my stomach twist.
Alex had been dating Lisa for almost two years, and she hated me. It was obvious from the way she acted around me, the furtive glances and shoving her relationship with Alex in my face; she only saw me as a threat, which I guess is understandable. Alex and I had been friends way longer than they had been dating, and we spent most of our free time together. There had been countless people at school who’d thought that Alex and I were together, so I guess she wasn’t totally unjustified, especially because I was all but sure she knew how I felt about Alex. But in reality, she really didn’t have anything to worry about. I would never do anything to take Alex away from her, because I knew how happy he was with her. Besides, Alex would never look at me the way he looked at Lisa, and I knew that.
As for how I felt about her, well, I’d be lying if I said she didn’t bother me, but it was mostly the nasty looks and excessive PDA that I didn’t like. As much as it bugged me to admit, she was actually a really good person, for the most part. And like I said, she made Alex happy. So I dealt with her.
“Hey babe. Hey guys,” she smiled sweetly at Jack, Zack, and Rian, skipping over me. A chorus of “Hey Lisa” came from the guys while I stayed quiet. “What are you guys doing?”
“We’re just figuring out our setlist for tour,” Alex said, coming back down the stairs with Lisa in tow. “And hey, you know how I’ve been having trouble with the bridge on Girl’s a Straight Up Hustler?” Lisa nodded vaguely. “Well, I don’t know how but Shay fixed it. It’s perfect now!” he said, almost bouncing.
“Did she?” Lisa looked at me and forced a smile, but I didn’t miss the venom in her eyes.
I managed a smile back, nodding. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“Well,” she said tightly, her icy stare melting when she looked back to Alex. “That’s great, baby. I’m happy for you.” She stood on her toes and kissed him, lingering for a good ten seconds. I groaned internally, squeezing my eyes shut and pinching the bridge of my nose.
“I think I’m gonna go get some water,” I said, walking around the happy couple to get to the stairs. I turned left at the top of the staircase and walked through to Rian’s kitchen. Setting my arms against the marble top of the breakfast bar, I let my face fall into my hands, groaning out loud this time.
Back when Alex and Lisa first started dating, it bugged me, but I figured that it would get easier to deal with over time. Of course, that was before Lisa started hating me, but still, even then, I thought I would get used to it. But now it was two years later and it had only gotten less and less bearable. As much as I was going to miss the guys when the left for tour, the silver lining was I wouldn’t have to see Lisa for a month and a half.
But it also meant I wouldn’t see Alex for a month and half, and that was the part that made me want to down a bottle of cough syrup.
“You hanging in there okay?”
I stood back up right when I heard Jack come in, turning around to face him. “Define ‘okay.’”
He shook his head and smiled sympathetically, stepping over to lean against the counter next to me. “I’m sorry, Shay. I know this must suck.”
I smiled weakly but appreciatively. Jack was the only one who know about my feelings for Alex “Yeah, it kind of does,” I said, running a hand over my face. It really did. “It really does.” I shook my head, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “And there’s nothing I can do to make it easier. I mean, I can’t stop hanging out with Alex, because it’s Alex, you know? But lately it’s like, wherever he goes, Lisa goes, so she’s always around, which blows. But I can’t avoid her without subsequently avoiding him too, which would blow even more.” A tear spilled over my cheek before I could stop it, only frustrating me more. “But seeing them together, watching them kiss and hold hands, watching them be in love,” I winced, hating the words for being true. “That’s the worst part.”
“It won’t stay like this forever, Shay,” he tried to reassure me, putting a comforting arm over my shoulder. “Everything is gonna work itself out, I promise. Just give it a little time.”
“I wish I had the luxury of being that optimistic,” I laughed bitterly.
“Why? What’s stopping you?”
I sputtered. “What’s stopping me? His girlfriend of two years that he’s currently downstairs fawning over, that probably has something to do with it.”
“They’re not gonna last,” said Jack, with a confidence I wish I could have.
I scoffed. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
“No, I’m serious, Shay. I know everything seems perfect with them, but they’ve been fighting. A lot,” he said. This made my ears perk up. “Lisa hates that we’re going on tour and she won’t let it go, which is annoying the hell out of Alex. They both know that they don’t want to deal with a long distance relationship, but are gonna try to stick it out for the sake of the other person. Believe me, I don’t think they’ll make it to the end of tour.”
I felt a tiny glimmer of hope from Jack’s words, but I didn’t linger on it. “Even if that is true, Lisa’s only half the problem,” I said, frowning at the floor. “My feelings aren’t just gonna go away.”
“And did you ever stop to think that Alex might feel the same way that you do?” said Jack, his question probing thoughts that I couldn’t indulge.
“Don’t say stuff like that,” I said, my voice small. “I might actually start thinking it’s true, and I can’t let myself do that.” I couldn’t, wouldn’t get my hopes up. That would only lead to them getting crushed, which was a pain I wasn’t equipped to deal with.
“But it is true, though,” he said, a smile in his voice I wish I could believe.
I shook my head. “Jack, I can’t hear this right now.”
“No, Shay, listen to me.” Jack took his arm from around my shoulders and moved to stand in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders instead. “I wouldn’t be saying this unless I knew it was true.”
My heart beat just a little bit faster without my permission. “Did he tell you he has feelings for me?”
“No, but he didn’t have to.”
My shoulders slumped, the tiny burst of hope leaving me just as fast as it showed up. I took Jack’s hands off my shoulders. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I mumbled, walking over to Rian’s fridge to get a bottled water.
Jack frowned, rounding the counter after me. “Why is this so hard for you to believe?”
“Because,” I said stubbornly, taking a sip of water.
“Because why?” Jack pushed.
I conceded, groaning as I said, “Because… because if I let myself believe it then that’ll be it. I’ll be done.” Another tear fell, but I hurriedly wiped it away. “I’ll never be able to move on; I’ll never be able to get over him.”
“But that’s the thing,” Jack pressed on. “You won’t have to move on.”
I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, resisting the urge to yell. Jack’s persistence had always been one of my favorite things about him, but at that moment it was just annoying. I said, as calmly as I could, “Jack, you’re not getting it.”
“No, you’re not getting it,” he said firmly, but kindly. “It’s so obvious if you would just open yourself up enough to see it. And it’s not just me, everyone else knows it too. His face lights up when anyone even mentions your name. He could be having the worst day ever, but when he sees you or talks to you, his whole mood changes. When you don’t come to band practice he doesn’t have half the energy he has when you are there. Christ, you can tell just from the way he looks at you. There’s way more going on there than you think, trust me.”
I just shook my head again. “That doesn’t mean anything. So he likes being around me and maybe sometimes misses me when I’m not there. That’s just called being best friends with someone.”
“Yeah, and it’s also called being in--”
“Yo, Jack.” Speak of the devil. “Are you coming back down or what? We need to run through the whole set at least once before--” Alex stopped talking suddenly when he looked at me, a concerned expression growing where his characteristic half-smile usually lived. “Shay, is everything alright?”
I nodded, hastily wiping away any remnants of tears and plastering on a smile and saying, in my most convincingly normal voice, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jack walked around the bar to join Alex on the other side. He pointed in the direction of the basement. “You coming, man?”
Alex, who was still looking at me in a manner which suggested that I did not have him convinced, said, “Uh, yeah, I’ll be down in a sec.”
Jack nodded, giving me one more pointed look over Alex’s shoulder before he turned to go back down to the basement, leaving Alex and me alone.
“So,” he said, stepping forward to lean his elbows on the counter. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lied, staring at a spot next to his head, unable to make eye contact. “I told you, everything’s fine.”
“I don’t believe you,” he said, matter-of-factly. “I know you well enough to know when there’s something wrong with you, and you know that I won’t let it go until you tell me. So spill.”
I sighed, gnawing on my bottom lip. For a brief moment, I considered telling him the truth. But as soon as the words “I hate your girlfriend because I’m in love with you and wish that you were with me instead” formed in my head, I knew it was a bad idea. Right now a confession like that would cause more problems that it would solve.
“I’m just sad that you’re leaving in a couple days, I guess” I said, not totally lying. I was really bummed that he was going on tour, it just wasn’t the only thing I was bummed about. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m insanely happy for you guys that you have this opportunity. But I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”
Alex’s face softened at my words, walking around to my side of the counter, and pulled me into a hug. I tucked my face against his shoulder, letting a few more tears leak out.
After about thirty seconds he let me go but stayed close, just a foot or two away. “You know, I’ve been really bummed out about the same thing, actually,” he admitted, a note of sadness showing through his exterior.
“Really?” If my voice had been any smaller I would’ve been whispering.
He nodded vehemently. “Yeah, of course. I mean, it’s you. How could I not be?” he said, making me smile a minuscule amount. “You’ve been there, supporting us, since the very beginning. You’ve been at every show, every open mic night. It just doesn’t feel quite right knowing that you won’t be there for our first tour.” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Honestly, I don’t know what we’re gonna do without you.”
I felt blood rush to my cheeks and I smiled nervously. “I don’t think I would got that far,” I said.
“I would,” said Alex immediately, repeating his same words from earlier.
We just looked at each other, not saying anything, for a good fifteen seconds before I broke our eye contact, looking down at my shoes. “You’ll be fine. After a week of shows you won’t even be thinking about me.”
I looked back up at him and smiled, trying to convince him that I was okay, but his face was as serious as ever. “That’s not true,” he said, reaching up to brush away my tears with his thumb. “I always think about you.”
I didn’t even have time to process his words before I heard Lisa calling for Alex, appearing in my periphery moments later.
“Oh, Lex, there you are,” she said, her voice trailing off as she looked back and forth between the two of us, disdain evident on her face. I sighed, taking a step back away from Alex. His eyes lingered on me for a moment longer before he turned to his girlfriend.
“What’s up, Lis’?” he said, his somber expression long gone, replaced with his usual, cheery demeanor.
Lisa, now satisfied with the amount of space separating Alex and I, said, “The guys were wondering if you’re coming back down.”
“Uh,” Alex hesitated, looking back to me as if to ask if I still needed him.
“Go,” I said, waving a hand dismissively. “I’m fine, really.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I promise.”
He hesitated a moment longer, but then nodded. “Alright, if you’re sure.” He started walking towards the basement door, but stopped, hesitating again when he noticed I wasn’t following. “Aren’t you coming?”
I opened my mouth, about to say that, yes, I was coming, but I just needed a moment to compose myself a bit more. But then I felt Lisa’s glare boring into the side of my skull like a laser, and thought that maybe going would be the best choice.
“Um, actually I think I should get going,” I said, even though I didn’t want to.
“Oh,” said Alex, a slightly crestfallen expression taking over his face. “Okay. You’re gonna be at the party at my place tonight though, right?”
I nodded, smiling. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Oh, you have got to be shitting me,” I said, looking in disbelief at the scene before me.
“Someone please tell me this is a joke.”
“Sorry Shay’, it’s not. We’ve been trying for like half an hour. He won’t budge.”
“Well maybe you haven’t been trying hard enough,” I said to my best friend, still staring at the snoring figure in his bed with a mix of disappointment and exasperation. “Have you tried throwing him down the stairs?”
“Not a bad idea,” agreed Rian from his perch on Jack’s desk.
“We’re not throwing anyone down the stairs,” said Alex. “If anything that would make him less inclined to move.”
The three of us were gathered in Jack’s room, attempting to wake our friend up from his extreme hangover. We had agreed to meet here and all drive to the school together, but that wouldn’t happen if Jack remained in his vegetable-like state.
“Well, we need to do something. We have to be at the school in less than an hour and he hasn’t even showered yet,” I said, pulling a hand through my hair restlessly. Of course this would happen this morning, of all mornings. I hated being late more than anything, and I definitely did not want to be late this morning. “How did this even happen, anyway?” I said, turning to Rian. “I thought you said you were gonna keep him in check.”
The drummer held his hands up defensively. “Hey, I tried my best. You know how Jack gets at parties. Once he starts drinking it’s like trying to stop a train. It can’t be done.”
I just groaned, turning back to look at Jack again. “Why do you drink so much?!” I shouted uselessly, only getting a tired, nearly dead sounding moan in response.
“Shay, hey,” said Alex, walking over to me and putting his hands on my shoulders in attempt to relax me. “Everything’s gonna be fine. The school is just a five minute drive from here; we’ve got plenty of time.”
I made eye contact with Alex, feeling myself relax the slightest bit when I met his chocolate irises. I nodded and sighed deeply. “I know, I’m fine. It’s just, we’ve been waiting for this day for four years and--”
“I know, Shay’,” soothed Alex, taking one of my hands in his own and squeezing it. I smiled at the small gesture. “I know how important this is, especially for you. And we’ll get you there, I promise. Even if it means leaving that useless sack of piss here,” he said, making me laugh lightly.
My eyes caught on an empty solo cup strewn idly on the floor, giving me an idea. I picked up the plastic cup and went into the bathroom connected to Jack’s bedroom to fill it up with cold water.
Jack was gonna get up whether he wanted to or not.
“Uh, Shay’, what are you-- oh,” Rian stopped as I dumped the contents of the cup on Jack’s head. He immediately shot up, coughing and sputtering and trying to get the water from his eyes. I smirked.
“What the fuck, man?!” Jack yelled, or tried to at least, his voice croaky from hangover.
“Graduation, that’s what,” I retorted louder, making Jack wince and glare at me. “And if you make us miss it Barakat I can guarantee a face full of something way worse than water.”
After a few seconds, recollection showed on Jack’s face and, seeing the three of us already dressed and wearing our gowns, smiled sheepishly and immediately got to his feet, clearing his throat awkwardly.
“Okay, well I guess I’ll, uh, hop in the shower then,” he said, shuffling to his bathroom with his head down. I smiled, satisfied with myself. Alex and I ducked out so Jack could get ready, while Rian elected to stay to make sure that Jack didn’t fall asleep in the shower or anything.
“So,” I said as we sat down on the couch in the living room. “How does it feel to be done with school forever?”
Alex grinned at the question, showing his answer on his face. “Pretty damn amazing,” he said, ruffling his hair.
I almost believed him, until I saw his smile falter, just for a millisecond. And I might have written it off as nothing if I didn’t know him so well. After being friends with him for nearly seven years, I could always tell when he was hiding something, even if no one else could. And he was the same way with me. We couldn’t keep anything from each other, even if we wanted to. It was the best and worst part of our friendship.
“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” I said, eyeing his face carefully.
“No, really, it’s awesome,” he said, although he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. “I can’t wait for tour to start. It’s gonna be rad!”
“Alex, come on,” I said. His face fell.
“But.. also kind of terrifying, I guess,” he conceded. “Cause, you know we’re leaving for our first real tour in a couple weeks, and this is sort of Make It or Break It time for us. Things could be awesome, or we could seriously fuck up. This is our one chance, you know? I would never forgive myself if I messed this up for us.”
“Alex,” I began, and this time I was the one squeezing his hand reassuringly. “You and Jack and Rian and Zack are the four most talented people I’ve ever met.”
Alex scoffed. “You’re just saying that because you have to.”
“No I’m not, you punk,” I argued, making Alex crack a smile-- a small one, but still a smile. “You guys are amazing. All you have to do is watch any crowd that you play for to know that. They feed off of your energy. It’s like your music gives them an injection of speed; they go crazy for it. I mean you’re signed to Hopeless, for god’s sake!”
Alex smiled humbly, scratching the back of his head. He shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. But what if our first album sucks? What if they drop us? What if the--”
“Woah, Lex, slow down” I said, squeezing his hand again. It was weird seeing Alex so insecure. He was always so confident about himself and his music; I had no idea he was doubting himself so much. “Look, it’s totally understandable that you’re nervous about all this. It is a huge opportunity for you guys.”
“Not exactly making me feel better here, Shay,” he said, raising his eyebrows at me.
“But,” I said, continuing anyway, “you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Yeah, there’s always a chance that something could go wrong, but there’s also a chance, a more likely chance, if you ask me, that things will end up going the way that you want them to. It may not end up exactly how you planned, but worrying about it now won’t change what happens later.”
Alex was quiet for a moment, taking in what I said. Then he sighed, looking at me and smiling. “Yeah, you’re right, I guess. Worrying isn’t gonna make anything better.” Then he pulled me into a hug, kissing my cheek appreciatively. I prayed he wouldn’t notice the blush that grew where his lips touched. He let me go a few moments later and said, “When did you get so wise?”
I laughed, shaking my head. “I’m not. You’re just such a huge idiot that being around you makes me look smarter.”
Alex rolled his eyes, shoving me playfully. “You suck, Walker.”
“You love me, Gaskarth,” I shot back, smirking.
“Yeah, I guess I do, don’t I,” he said with mock reluctance.
A moment later, Jack came lumbering down the stairs with Rian in tow, his hair uncharacteristically flat.
“Dude what’s up with your hair?”
“Well, I was going to do it, but SOMEBODY,” he said, looking at Rian pointedly, “said there wasn’t enough time, so, this.” He gestured to his head dramatically. “Graduation featuring the mop.”
“Yeah, well if you wanted to do your hair you should’ve gotten up a bit earlier,” Rian said, patting Jack’s shoulder.
“Bit me, Dawson,” he grumbled, shrugging off his hand. “Are we going or what?”
“Yes, definitely,” I said, Alex and I both getting to our feet. We left the house, all climbing into Jack’s mom’s minivan.
“Let’s go fucking GRADUATE!” cheered Alex as we pulled out of the driveway, starting the drive to Dulaney High School for the last time.
“Lipstick has a way of leaving more than just a mark on sheets. Color in my senses cherry red, at least for this week.”
Alex’s eyes were closed as he sang into the mic, his fingers moving over the fretboard of his guitar like they had a mind of their own. I stared shamelessly at him, not caring that the other guys would undoubtedly notice. I loved sitting in on band practice, mostly because watching and listening to the guys play was nothing less than mesmerizing. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t also enjoy watching Alex, specifically.
Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t in a creepy way. It’s just that Alex was always the most open and raw when he was performing. It was his element, his natural habitat, if you will. He got so sucked into the songs and you could see every emotion he was feeling on his face.
Listening and watching Alex sing from my spot on Rian’s basement couch-- that was when I loved him the most.
“That was sick,” said Jack when the song ended, wiping his face with a towel.
“Yeah, seriously, you guys play that on tour, the crowd is gonna go nuts,” I piped up.
“Maybe. I think we should rework the bridge, though. There’s something that feels off,” Alex thought out loud, playing the chords from the bridge as if to prove it. He frowned, shaking his head. “I don’t know.” He turned to look at me. “Shay, what do you think?”
I looked at the other guys, who were all looking back at me expectantly. “You guys really care what I think?”
“Of course we do,” said Jack, as if it were obvious. “You have way more experience than Alex or me.”
I blushed, shaking my head. “Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far--”
“I would,” said Alex, smiling at me. “You don’t give yourself enough credit.” He took the guitar strap off his shoulder, holding out the instrument for me to take. “Here.”
I hesitated for a moment, before getting up and tentatively taking the guitar from Alex, putting the strap around my own shoulders.
“Well, I really like what you have now, but the only thing I might change is doing G then B instead of B then G on ‘get out while you can’,” I said. “Here, listen.”
I played the bridge with the change, singing along to show how the switch sounded better with the vocals. When I finished and looked back up at the guys, Alex was grinning.
“You fixed it!” he exclaimed as I handed his guitar back to him. “For the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out what was off and I could never put my finger on it, but that was it! It’s perfect.”
I smiled, happy that I had made Alex so happy. “You’re welcome, I guess.”
“Thank you thank you thank you!” said Alex excitedly, putting the guitar down in its stand to hug me.
“See? This is why we want to know what you think,” said Jack.
“What’s everyone so excited about?”
At the sound of the familiar female voice my whole body tensed as Alex released his hold on me. I stepped to the side so he could go to meet her on the steps.
“Hey Lis’,” he said happily, greeting her with a kiss that made my stomach twist.
Alex had been dating Lisa for almost two years, and she hated me. It was obvious from the way she acted around me, the furtive glances and shoving her relationship with Alex in my face; she only saw me as a threat, which I guess is understandable. Alex and I had been friends way longer than they had been dating, and we spent most of our free time together. There had been countless people at school who’d thought that Alex and I were together, so I guess she wasn’t totally unjustified, especially because I was all but sure she knew how I felt about Alex. But in reality, she really didn’t have anything to worry about. I would never do anything to take Alex away from her, because I knew how happy he was with her. Besides, Alex would never look at me the way he looked at Lisa, and I knew that.
As for how I felt about her, well, I’d be lying if I said she didn’t bother me, but it was mostly the nasty looks and excessive PDA that I didn’t like. As much as it bugged me to admit, she was actually a really good person, for the most part. And like I said, she made Alex happy. So I dealt with her.
“Hey babe. Hey guys,” she smiled sweetly at Jack, Zack, and Rian, skipping over me. A chorus of “Hey Lisa” came from the guys while I stayed quiet. “What are you guys doing?”
“We’re just figuring out our setlist for tour,” Alex said, coming back down the stairs with Lisa in tow. “And hey, you know how I’ve been having trouble with the bridge on Girl’s a Straight Up Hustler?” Lisa nodded vaguely. “Well, I don’t know how but Shay fixed it. It’s perfect now!” he said, almost bouncing.
“Did she?” Lisa looked at me and forced a smile, but I didn’t miss the venom in her eyes.
I managed a smile back, nodding. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“Well,” she said tightly, her icy stare melting when she looked back to Alex. “That’s great, baby. I’m happy for you.” She stood on her toes and kissed him, lingering for a good ten seconds. I groaned internally, squeezing my eyes shut and pinching the bridge of my nose.
“I think I’m gonna go get some water,” I said, walking around the happy couple to get to the stairs. I turned left at the top of the staircase and walked through to Rian’s kitchen. Setting my arms against the marble top of the breakfast bar, I let my face fall into my hands, groaning out loud this time.
Back when Alex and Lisa first started dating, it bugged me, but I figured that it would get easier to deal with over time. Of course, that was before Lisa started hating me, but still, even then, I thought I would get used to it. But now it was two years later and it had only gotten less and less bearable. As much as I was going to miss the guys when the left for tour, the silver lining was I wouldn’t have to see Lisa for a month and a half.
But it also meant I wouldn’t see Alex for a month and half, and that was the part that made me want to down a bottle of cough syrup.
“You hanging in there okay?”
I stood back up right when I heard Jack come in, turning around to face him. “Define ‘okay.’”
He shook his head and smiled sympathetically, stepping over to lean against the counter next to me. “I’m sorry, Shay. I know this must suck.”
I smiled weakly but appreciatively. Jack was the only one who know about my feelings for Alex “Yeah, it kind of does,” I said, running a hand over my face. It really did. “It really does.” I shook my head, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “And there’s nothing I can do to make it easier. I mean, I can’t stop hanging out with Alex, because it’s Alex, you know? But lately it’s like, wherever he goes, Lisa goes, so she’s always around, which blows. But I can’t avoid her without subsequently avoiding him too, which would blow even more.” A tear spilled over my cheek before I could stop it, only frustrating me more. “But seeing them together, watching them kiss and hold hands, watching them be in love,” I winced, hating the words for being true. “That’s the worst part.”
“It won’t stay like this forever, Shay,” he tried to reassure me, putting a comforting arm over my shoulder. “Everything is gonna work itself out, I promise. Just give it a little time.”
“I wish I had the luxury of being that optimistic,” I laughed bitterly.
“Why? What’s stopping you?”
I sputtered. “What’s stopping me? His girlfriend of two years that he’s currently downstairs fawning over, that probably has something to do with it.”
“They’re not gonna last,” said Jack, with a confidence I wish I could have.
I scoffed. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
“No, I’m serious, Shay. I know everything seems perfect with them, but they’ve been fighting. A lot,” he said. This made my ears perk up. “Lisa hates that we’re going on tour and she won’t let it go, which is annoying the hell out of Alex. They both know that they don’t want to deal with a long distance relationship, but are gonna try to stick it out for the sake of the other person. Believe me, I don’t think they’ll make it to the end of tour.”
I felt a tiny glimmer of hope from Jack’s words, but I didn’t linger on it. “Even if that is true, Lisa’s only half the problem,” I said, frowning at the floor. “My feelings aren’t just gonna go away.”
“And did you ever stop to think that Alex might feel the same way that you do?” said Jack, his question probing thoughts that I couldn’t indulge.
“Don’t say stuff like that,” I said, my voice small. “I might actually start thinking it’s true, and I can’t let myself do that.” I couldn’t, wouldn’t get my hopes up. That would only lead to them getting crushed, which was a pain I wasn’t equipped to deal with.
“But it is true, though,” he said, a smile in his voice I wish I could believe.
I shook my head. “Jack, I can’t hear this right now.”
“No, Shay, listen to me.” Jack took his arm from around my shoulders and moved to stand in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders instead. “I wouldn’t be saying this unless I knew it was true.”
My heart beat just a little bit faster without my permission. “Did he tell you he has feelings for me?”
“No, but he didn’t have to.”
My shoulders slumped, the tiny burst of hope leaving me just as fast as it showed up. I took Jack’s hands off my shoulders. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I mumbled, walking over to Rian’s fridge to get a bottled water.
Jack frowned, rounding the counter after me. “Why is this so hard for you to believe?”
“Because,” I said stubbornly, taking a sip of water.
“Because why?” Jack pushed.
I conceded, groaning as I said, “Because… because if I let myself believe it then that’ll be it. I’ll be done.” Another tear fell, but I hurriedly wiped it away. “I’ll never be able to move on; I’ll never be able to get over him.”
“But that’s the thing,” Jack pressed on. “You won’t have to move on.”
I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, resisting the urge to yell. Jack’s persistence had always been one of my favorite things about him, but at that moment it was just annoying. I said, as calmly as I could, “Jack, you’re not getting it.”
“No, you’re not getting it,” he said firmly, but kindly. “It’s so obvious if you would just open yourself up enough to see it. And it’s not just me, everyone else knows it too. His face lights up when anyone even mentions your name. He could be having the worst day ever, but when he sees you or talks to you, his whole mood changes. When you don’t come to band practice he doesn’t have half the energy he has when you are there. Christ, you can tell just from the way he looks at you. There’s way more going on there than you think, trust me.”
I just shook my head again. “That doesn’t mean anything. So he likes being around me and maybe sometimes misses me when I’m not there. That’s just called being best friends with someone.”
“Yeah, and it’s also called being in--”
“Yo, Jack.” Speak of the devil. “Are you coming back down or what? We need to run through the whole set at least once before--” Alex stopped talking suddenly when he looked at me, a concerned expression growing where his characteristic half-smile usually lived. “Shay, is everything alright?”
I nodded, hastily wiping away any remnants of tears and plastering on a smile and saying, in my most convincingly normal voice, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jack walked around the bar to join Alex on the other side. He pointed in the direction of the basement. “You coming, man?”
Alex, who was still looking at me in a manner which suggested that I did not have him convinced, said, “Uh, yeah, I’ll be down in a sec.”
Jack nodded, giving me one more pointed look over Alex’s shoulder before he turned to go back down to the basement, leaving Alex and me alone.
“So,” he said, stepping forward to lean his elbows on the counter. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lied, staring at a spot next to his head, unable to make eye contact. “I told you, everything’s fine.”
“I don’t believe you,” he said, matter-of-factly. “I know you well enough to know when there’s something wrong with you, and you know that I won’t let it go until you tell me. So spill.”
I sighed, gnawing on my bottom lip. For a brief moment, I considered telling him the truth. But as soon as the words “I hate your girlfriend because I’m in love with you and wish that you were with me instead” formed in my head, I knew it was a bad idea. Right now a confession like that would cause more problems that it would solve.
“I’m just sad that you’re leaving in a couple days, I guess” I said, not totally lying. I was really bummed that he was going on tour, it just wasn’t the only thing I was bummed about. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m insanely happy for you guys that you have this opportunity. But I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”
Alex’s face softened at my words, walking around to my side of the counter, and pulled me into a hug. I tucked my face against his shoulder, letting a few more tears leak out.
After about thirty seconds he let me go but stayed close, just a foot or two away. “You know, I’ve been really bummed out about the same thing, actually,” he admitted, a note of sadness showing through his exterior.
“Really?” If my voice had been any smaller I would’ve been whispering.
He nodded vehemently. “Yeah, of course. I mean, it’s you. How could I not be?” he said, making me smile a minuscule amount. “You’ve been there, supporting us, since the very beginning. You’ve been at every show, every open mic night. It just doesn’t feel quite right knowing that you won’t be there for our first tour.” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Honestly, I don’t know what we’re gonna do without you.”
I felt blood rush to my cheeks and I smiled nervously. “I don’t think I would got that far,” I said.
“I would,” said Alex immediately, repeating his same words from earlier.
We just looked at each other, not saying anything, for a good fifteen seconds before I broke our eye contact, looking down at my shoes. “You’ll be fine. After a week of shows you won’t even be thinking about me.”
I looked back up at him and smiled, trying to convince him that I was okay, but his face was as serious as ever. “That’s not true,” he said, reaching up to brush away my tears with his thumb. “I always think about you.”
I didn’t even have time to process his words before I heard Lisa calling for Alex, appearing in my periphery moments later.
“Oh, Lex, there you are,” she said, her voice trailing off as she looked back and forth between the two of us, disdain evident on her face. I sighed, taking a step back away from Alex. His eyes lingered on me for a moment longer before he turned to his girlfriend.
“What’s up, Lis’?” he said, his somber expression long gone, replaced with his usual, cheery demeanor.
Lisa, now satisfied with the amount of space separating Alex and I, said, “The guys were wondering if you’re coming back down.”
“Uh,” Alex hesitated, looking back to me as if to ask if I still needed him.
“Go,” I said, waving a hand dismissively. “I’m fine, really.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I promise.”
He hesitated a moment longer, but then nodded. “Alright, if you’re sure.” He started walking towards the basement door, but stopped, hesitating again when he noticed I wasn’t following. “Aren’t you coming?”
I opened my mouth, about to say that, yes, I was coming, but I just needed a moment to compose myself a bit more. But then I felt Lisa’s glare boring into the side of my skull like a laser, and thought that maybe going would be the best choice.
“Um, actually I think I should get going,” I said, even though I didn’t want to.
“Oh,” said Alex, a slightly crestfallen expression taking over his face. “Okay. You’re gonna be at the party at my place tonight though, right?”
I nodded, smiling. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Notes
WHAT'S GOOD
so the prologue of this story is gonna be posted in multiple parts cause it's hella long
enjoy!
Oooh, okay, glad you don't mind me pointing stuff out! Some people find it annoying or don't want to be bothered, lol.
:D
6/14/17