Angel in Shining Armor
I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me
2012
“Alex,” spoke my mother as she held onto my hand with her own. Her hand was cold and shaky, and the feeling of it holding my own was enough to make me want to fall to my knees and cry. Her body was skinnier than my own -- and I was a pretty scrawny kid -- and her face looked as if it were sinking into itself as each second passed by. The monitors around her went at a slow, steady tempo, and the room was awfully silent. Even my choked sobs and her angelic, soft voice wasn’t enough to increase the volume of the room. “everything will be okay after today. Daddy will take care of you, maybe even Auntie Layla, but you also have to take care of yourself just as much. Me being gone shouldn’t bring you down, BaBa.” God, that nickname will never leave my hurt. I was and always will be her BaBa.
“I’m only going to heaven, son.” she continued to speak, “I will never leave that big heart of yours.” My face was covered in sweat, tears, and snot that was oozing from my nose. I couldn’t handle this; why did I even volunteer to be in the room when they pulled the plug on my beautiful mother? My dad couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t want my mom’s life to be pull all by her lonesome. So, my older brother, Tom, and I stepped up to be in the room with my mom when she left the world.
Tom was sitting in a chair across the room with his head buried in his palms. Scenarios like this were horrid for him, and it sucked because I was depending on him to keep me calm throughout this entire process. Guess I was a lone ranger through this. I knelt down to her on my knees to be as close to my mother as possible. I rested my head on her chest to listen to her last few strands of heart beats. “I am so going to miss you, mama. I… I can’t deal with this. I want to be with you in heaven.” I whimpered. Tom’s head shot up at my words. We both promised to never say anything like that when we were with my mother on her final days, but of course, I couldn’t hold back; I had to say it.
“Alex!” Tom scolded.
“No, no, Tom.” my mother waved her hand at Tom. “He’s only saying that out of emotions; I understand.” Mom rubbed my head and flattered my scruffy, dirty-blonde hair. “Now, Alex, don’t say that kind of stuff, baby. It won’t help your grieving process, y’see. When I lost my mother, I kept saying that stuff, and it didn’t help at all. Once I stopped, it started to get so much easier.” Mom leaned down and kissed my head softly. “You stay strong with your brother, okay? You both can do this.”
Interrupting our conversation was the nurse and doctor who would be performing the process. The nurse and doctor had similar expressions: disappointed. The nurse began to prep my mother for the process while the doctor pulled Tom and I out of the room to speak to us for a moment. The doctor told us that we had to witness my mother’s death from outside the window, for we couldn’t be in the room since it was against guidelines. We also, once she left us to retreat to heaven, were allowed to go into the room to say our goodbyes and give our love to her. Once everything was done, we would have to meet my dad back into the waiting room and leave for home as if everything would be fine and dandy. Tom and I agreed with all the rules, and we stood by the window to prepare to watch our mother’s life be pulled away from her by a plug in the wall.
The nurse and doctor spoke to my mother words Tom and I couldn’t comprehend since the window was practically sound-proof. My mother was giving her doctor and nurse nods, and soon, the nurse was pulling the plug from the wall. My mother rested against the bed so she was peaceful when she went. The nurse and the doctor stayed at the side of the bed, watching my mother intently. The more I watched, the more I began to tremble and wheeze. I was trying so hard to contain my hysterics. Soon, the doctor put his head down which alerted that my mother was gone.
I lost my mother.
The doctor tucked her in tightly before exiting the room along with the nurse. The doctor came up to us, me specifically, and rested a hand on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry for your loss, boys. Your mother is in a better place now. You can go to tell her your goodbyes, and when you guys are finished, just head back to the waiting room where your father is. Without another word, the doctor left Tom and I alone. I looked back in the window to see my, now, deceased mother laying on the bed. Tom put an arm around my shoulders and began to pull me away from the room. I was confused, and soon, I became outraged. I started a fit in his hold.
“Tom! Tom, what’re you doing!? I want to go say goodbye to mom!” I shouted. I began to punch his sides as he gripped me harder. Soon, my fit pissed him off enough to stop and shove me into a wall. I looked at him with widened, horror-filled eyes.
“Listen!” Tom shouted into my face, “You will not go in that room! Doing what you want to do will only make this process a hell of a lot fucking harder! Just say your damn goodbyes in your dreams or somethin’, but you’re not going in that room, Alex!” His words broke my heart. I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye; telling her in my dreams would be total bull. After my scolding, Tom dragged me out of the hallways and into the waiting room. In the waiting room was my father and Auntie Layla. The minute we entered, Auntie Layla flew over to us and embraced us together. Tom pushed away from the embrace without a word or even time to cherish it. Me? I crumbled in her arms and began to scream at the top of my lungs. My heart couldn’t take losing my beautiful mother. She deserved to be on Earth, not in heaven where she couldn’t protect and care for me like she enjoyed to do.
Present
School was the worst day ever. Not because I didn’t get an A on my Chemistry test or I got dumped by some boyfriend I had a puppy dog crush on; it was the worst day ever because it was the last thing I got to go through before I went up with mom today. Yes, I am going up to mom today. It is exactly what you’re thinking, and I don’t fucking care what you or anyone thinks. I can’t be on this planet anymore without her being on this planet with me. Plus, dad and his new chew toy -- my step-mother -- are enough to drive to put a gun to my head. My step-mother, Kate, is the biggest drunk I have ever met. She never has a bottle not between her lips, and since my dad got around her and married her, he’s been doing the absolute same. He was a never drinker until he met her bitch-ass.
Now, since they’re always drunk off their asses, I get the brunt of their anger and distorted mindsets. Whenever I don’t do what they say, I earn a smack across my face. That’s my dad, though. Kate takes her anger out on me by throwing her heels or a bottle of her Alizé at my head. I’ve gotten a few broken noses from her, and trust me, they’re nothing to feel proud about getting.
Tom left the house a few weeks after mom died. He went with his girlfriend, who’s now his fiancee, Chloe, and never spoke to the family again. I know he’s somewhere back in England, and I wanted to visit him or talk to him again, but all my attempts have sorely failed. Overall, I am alone. My dad and Kate don’t give two shits about me -- all they care about is making me feel the worst kinds of pain -- , and Tom is away in England. That’s why I needed this way out; I needed to be with my mom. I know I wouldn’t be abused or left alone to rot away in some fucking hell hole.
When I arrived home from school, I ran up to my room and slammed the door shut. Kate and dad were out, probably drinking away the last bit of their brain cells, so I had time to get my plan over with. I shut the door, locked it, and turned my stereo all the way up. It was my way of, when I shot the gun, my neighbors wouldn’t hear it as bluntly as they would if the whole house was silent. I went over to my desk and pulled the composition book paper off of it and held it in my hand. It was my pre-written letter. It read:
To whom it concerns,
By the time you read this, I will probably already be gone. Why did I leave, you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s rather simple really. I am sick of all the pain I feel on a constant basis -- both physical and mental. I get bottles and fists against my face on a daily basis, and the fact that my mother and now, my brother, aren’t here really have taken a toll on me. I tried to be strong after mom died; I really did. However, what has been happening has been far from helpful to me to be able to get through this process thoroughly and successfully. As a result, I am taking this time to write out to whoever reads this that I am going to go up with mom. That’s right: today is my final day on this planet.
There is no stopping me. I need and want this. This will make me happy; isn’t that what you all wanted? For me to be happy? Well, I am giving you that - my happiness.
I love you all, and I’m so sorry that this is how I have to leave you all.
Love,
Alex.
I took in a deep breath after re-reading the note at least a dozen times. This was it; I was going to breathe my last breath, live my last second, say my last words. I set the note on the bed beside where I would be sitting and proceeded to go to the closet where my weapon of choice was resting. It was an AMT Hardballer, and it was loaded with the one bullet that would take my life away. I picked it out of the box, loaded it up, and walked to my sitting place. I sat down, back straight, and put the gun’s end right to my temple. I closed my eyes to try and forget the fact that I had a gun to my head.
I took in that last deep breath, let my body take in that last second of the oxygen around me, and I whispered, “I love you guys so much. Mom, I will see you very soon.” I counted down to three, my finger eagerly waiting to pull the trigger. Just as I was about to pull the trigger, a loud,
“Don’t!” startled me from doing so. Who the hell was that? Dad and Kate weren’t home, and even if they were, it didn’t sound like either of them. My wide eyes scanned the room to see who the voice belonged to, and soon, my eyes fell upon a boy who was standing by my closet. He kinda looked about my age, but he had skunky hair, a rather large sniffer, and was darker in skin tone than me. It didn’t matter what he looked like, though; what mattered was why the hell was he in my damn room!
I shot up from the bed and instantly pointed my gun at the intruder. The intruder’s hands flew up in defense, and fear overtook him. “Who the hell are you, and what the fuck are you doing in my room!?” I shouted.
“I-I’m --”
“Who the fuck are you, I said!” His stutters were making me more angry, hence why I didn’t even let him finish his sentence. I prepared to have my finger use the bullet that would take my life to take his, but what he said next made me pull back instantly.
“I’m Jack, your guardian angel! Don’t shoot!”
“Alex,” spoke my mother as she held onto my hand with her own. Her hand was cold and shaky, and the feeling of it holding my own was enough to make me want to fall to my knees and cry. Her body was skinnier than my own -- and I was a pretty scrawny kid -- and her face looked as if it were sinking into itself as each second passed by. The monitors around her went at a slow, steady tempo, and the room was awfully silent. Even my choked sobs and her angelic, soft voice wasn’t enough to increase the volume of the room. “everything will be okay after today. Daddy will take care of you, maybe even Auntie Layla, but you also have to take care of yourself just as much. Me being gone shouldn’t bring you down, BaBa.” God, that nickname will never leave my hurt. I was and always will be her BaBa.
“I’m only going to heaven, son.” she continued to speak, “I will never leave that big heart of yours.” My face was covered in sweat, tears, and snot that was oozing from my nose. I couldn’t handle this; why did I even volunteer to be in the room when they pulled the plug on my beautiful mother? My dad couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t want my mom’s life to be pull all by her lonesome. So, my older brother, Tom, and I stepped up to be in the room with my mom when she left the world.
Tom was sitting in a chair across the room with his head buried in his palms. Scenarios like this were horrid for him, and it sucked because I was depending on him to keep me calm throughout this entire process. Guess I was a lone ranger through this. I knelt down to her on my knees to be as close to my mother as possible. I rested my head on her chest to listen to her last few strands of heart beats. “I am so going to miss you, mama. I… I can’t deal with this. I want to be with you in heaven.” I whimpered. Tom’s head shot up at my words. We both promised to never say anything like that when we were with my mother on her final days, but of course, I couldn’t hold back; I had to say it.
“Alex!” Tom scolded.
“No, no, Tom.” my mother waved her hand at Tom. “He’s only saying that out of emotions; I understand.” Mom rubbed my head and flattered my scruffy, dirty-blonde hair. “Now, Alex, don’t say that kind of stuff, baby. It won’t help your grieving process, y’see. When I lost my mother, I kept saying that stuff, and it didn’t help at all. Once I stopped, it started to get so much easier.” Mom leaned down and kissed my head softly. “You stay strong with your brother, okay? You both can do this.”
Interrupting our conversation was the nurse and doctor who would be performing the process. The nurse and doctor had similar expressions: disappointed. The nurse began to prep my mother for the process while the doctor pulled Tom and I out of the room to speak to us for a moment. The doctor told us that we had to witness my mother’s death from outside the window, for we couldn’t be in the room since it was against guidelines. We also, once she left us to retreat to heaven, were allowed to go into the room to say our goodbyes and give our love to her. Once everything was done, we would have to meet my dad back into the waiting room and leave for home as if everything would be fine and dandy. Tom and I agreed with all the rules, and we stood by the window to prepare to watch our mother’s life be pulled away from her by a plug in the wall.
The nurse and doctor spoke to my mother words Tom and I couldn’t comprehend since the window was practically sound-proof. My mother was giving her doctor and nurse nods, and soon, the nurse was pulling the plug from the wall. My mother rested against the bed so she was peaceful when she went. The nurse and the doctor stayed at the side of the bed, watching my mother intently. The more I watched, the more I began to tremble and wheeze. I was trying so hard to contain my hysterics. Soon, the doctor put his head down which alerted that my mother was gone.
I lost my mother.
The doctor tucked her in tightly before exiting the room along with the nurse. The doctor came up to us, me specifically, and rested a hand on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry for your loss, boys. Your mother is in a better place now. You can go to tell her your goodbyes, and when you guys are finished, just head back to the waiting room where your father is. Without another word, the doctor left Tom and I alone. I looked back in the window to see my, now, deceased mother laying on the bed. Tom put an arm around my shoulders and began to pull me away from the room. I was confused, and soon, I became outraged. I started a fit in his hold.
“Tom! Tom, what’re you doing!? I want to go say goodbye to mom!” I shouted. I began to punch his sides as he gripped me harder. Soon, my fit pissed him off enough to stop and shove me into a wall. I looked at him with widened, horror-filled eyes.
“Listen!” Tom shouted into my face, “You will not go in that room! Doing what you want to do will only make this process a hell of a lot fucking harder! Just say your damn goodbyes in your dreams or somethin’, but you’re not going in that room, Alex!” His words broke my heart. I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye; telling her in my dreams would be total bull. After my scolding, Tom dragged me out of the hallways and into the waiting room. In the waiting room was my father and Auntie Layla. The minute we entered, Auntie Layla flew over to us and embraced us together. Tom pushed away from the embrace without a word or even time to cherish it. Me? I crumbled in her arms and began to scream at the top of my lungs. My heart couldn’t take losing my beautiful mother. She deserved to be on Earth, not in heaven where she couldn’t protect and care for me like she enjoyed to do.
Present
School was the worst day ever. Not because I didn’t get an A on my Chemistry test or I got dumped by some boyfriend I had a puppy dog crush on; it was the worst day ever because it was the last thing I got to go through before I went up with mom today. Yes, I am going up to mom today. It is exactly what you’re thinking, and I don’t fucking care what you or anyone thinks. I can’t be on this planet anymore without her being on this planet with me. Plus, dad and his new chew toy -- my step-mother -- are enough to drive to put a gun to my head. My step-mother, Kate, is the biggest drunk I have ever met. She never has a bottle not between her lips, and since my dad got around her and married her, he’s been doing the absolute same. He was a never drinker until he met her bitch-ass.
Now, since they’re always drunk off their asses, I get the brunt of their anger and distorted mindsets. Whenever I don’t do what they say, I earn a smack across my face. That’s my dad, though. Kate takes her anger out on me by throwing her heels or a bottle of her Alizé at my head. I’ve gotten a few broken noses from her, and trust me, they’re nothing to feel proud about getting.
Tom left the house a few weeks after mom died. He went with his girlfriend, who’s now his fiancee, Chloe, and never spoke to the family again. I know he’s somewhere back in England, and I wanted to visit him or talk to him again, but all my attempts have sorely failed. Overall, I am alone. My dad and Kate don’t give two shits about me -- all they care about is making me feel the worst kinds of pain -- , and Tom is away in England. That’s why I needed this way out; I needed to be with my mom. I know I wouldn’t be abused or left alone to rot away in some fucking hell hole.
When I arrived home from school, I ran up to my room and slammed the door shut. Kate and dad were out, probably drinking away the last bit of their brain cells, so I had time to get my plan over with. I shut the door, locked it, and turned my stereo all the way up. It was my way of, when I shot the gun, my neighbors wouldn’t hear it as bluntly as they would if the whole house was silent. I went over to my desk and pulled the composition book paper off of it and held it in my hand. It was my pre-written letter. It read:
To whom it concerns,
By the time you read this, I will probably already be gone. Why did I leave, you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s rather simple really. I am sick of all the pain I feel on a constant basis -- both physical and mental. I get bottles and fists against my face on a daily basis, and the fact that my mother and now, my brother, aren’t here really have taken a toll on me. I tried to be strong after mom died; I really did. However, what has been happening has been far from helpful to me to be able to get through this process thoroughly and successfully. As a result, I am taking this time to write out to whoever reads this that I am going to go up with mom. That’s right: today is my final day on this planet.
There is no stopping me. I need and want this. This will make me happy; isn’t that what you all wanted? For me to be happy? Well, I am giving you that - my happiness.
I love you all, and I’m so sorry that this is how I have to leave you all.
Love,
Alex.
I took in a deep breath after re-reading the note at least a dozen times. This was it; I was going to breathe my last breath, live my last second, say my last words. I set the note on the bed beside where I would be sitting and proceeded to go to the closet where my weapon of choice was resting. It was an AMT Hardballer, and it was loaded with the one bullet that would take my life away. I picked it out of the box, loaded it up, and walked to my sitting place. I sat down, back straight, and put the gun’s end right to my temple. I closed my eyes to try and forget the fact that I had a gun to my head.
I took in that last deep breath, let my body take in that last second of the oxygen around me, and I whispered, “I love you guys so much. Mom, I will see you very soon.” I counted down to three, my finger eagerly waiting to pull the trigger. Just as I was about to pull the trigger, a loud,
“Don’t!” startled me from doing so. Who the hell was that? Dad and Kate weren’t home, and even if they were, it didn’t sound like either of them. My wide eyes scanned the room to see who the voice belonged to, and soon, my eyes fell upon a boy who was standing by my closet. He kinda looked about my age, but he had skunky hair, a rather large sniffer, and was darker in skin tone than me. It didn’t matter what he looked like, though; what mattered was why the hell was he in my damn room!
I shot up from the bed and instantly pointed my gun at the intruder. The intruder’s hands flew up in defense, and fear overtook him. “Who the hell are you, and what the fuck are you doing in my room!?” I shouted.
“I-I’m --”
“Who the fuck are you, I said!” His stutters were making me more angry, hence why I didn’t even let him finish his sentence. I prepared to have my finger use the bullet that would take my life to take his, but what he said next made me pull back instantly.
“I’m Jack, your guardian angel! Don’t shoot!”
Notes
hey, boos!
this is my first time writing with Nia, and I'm pretty excited to see how this goes! :) this chapter was supposed to be up yesterday, but thanks to Google Drive, it deleted everything. So, you got it today instead.
Hope you enjoy the first chapter of our fic, and don't forget to give us your feedback!
xoxo krys
I look forward to it :3 xx<3
2/26/16