I went to see the doctor alone on Friday, purely because I didn't know what to expect. Taylor offered to come with me, as did Mum, my sister Sarah and Josh's sister Elissa, but I told them all that I'd be fine. If I was dying, I'd rather break the news to people myself, rather than have the doctor tell them.

When I was called in, I was a nervous wreck. I was shaking horrendously and I looked even worse. I looked like an addict or something, and I felt sick to my stomach. I just had a feeling that it wouldn't be good news.

"Now, Rachel, what seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked, and I put my head in my hands.

"How long've you bloody-well got?" I muttered, and heard the doctor laugh a little uneasily.

"Depends on the severity of your condition. So tell me, what's got you down?" I looked up and noticed how young the doctor actually was. She was maybe a year or two younger than my mum, and she seemed nice.

"Well, doctor..Holden, I've been sick for about eleven days. And when I say sick, I mean I can barely walk a few feet without needing to make a beeline for the bathroom. I tried to put off coming in to see you lot because I didn't think it was serious enough, and because I've a fear of the doctor. The only reason I actually came was because my best friend was barking at me to, and my boyfriend's worried sick about me." I breathed a sigh of minor relief, and leant back in the chair that I was sitting in.

"Right, okay. So you reckon you've picked up something, correct?" I nodded. "And tell me, have you eaten anything unusual lately?"

"Uh..I'm not sure what 'unusual' would categorize. Within the last few days, I've had this mad need to eat blackcurrant jam and sweet chili sauce, but I thought maybe that was just my mind telling me that it was a bizarre way to feel better."

"Okay, I see. And also tell me, and please forgive me for asking, when was your last period?" I choked a bit after she asked that.

"It's now April..February, I think. My periods were never regular, so I thinkk much of it. What's this got to with anything?"

"And you say you've a boyfriend, yeah?" I nodded again, as she wrote something down. "Relationship strong?"

"Oh yeah, strong as a rock. We were friends before we were dating so we know each other pretty well. He's off away now, so he couldn't be here."

"Aww, that's lovely. If you'll forgive me for asking this too as its just routine procedure, but when was the last time you were sexually active?" I snorted. God bless this woman, really. You could see she felt uneasy to ask.

"February, as I've been working pretty much all the time on my college projects for this, that and the other, and we haven't had the time. Boyfriend's also going mad at me for having my college stuff all over the apartment, mind. I thought that maybe stress was causing me to be so ill, if I'm honest."

Doctor Holden was quiet for a couple of minutes as she wrote stuff down, and then she left me for a brief moment. All the while, I sat feeling generally sorry for myself and wanting my bed. The doctor came back as soon as she left.

"Here," she said, handing me a pregnancy test. I felt the color leave my face. "I think it's best you take one of these, just to rule pregnancy out. It's nothing to be scared about, so just relax. While you get yourself sorted with that, I'm going to review what you've told me and try to find the problem." I left then, feeling even more sick than when I came in here.

---

I fucking refused to look at the result after I'd done the test. The possibility that I could well in fact be pregnant at the age of nineteen was horrifying and severely nerve-wracking. I can barely even manage to take care of myself, let alone a little baby. I mean, I'm alright when myself and Josh babysit his cousin's kids, but that's only for a couple hours every other Saturday.

When I went back into the doctors office and handed her the test, she read it over for a moment and the look on her face said everything. I sank into the chair I'd previously been sitting on and out my head in my hands while I cried. I let out choking sobs for about ten minutes while Doctor Holden assured me that it won't be as bad as I think it will. I pretend to be assured, but I'm not.

I'm fucked. I'm fucked for being fucked. Mum will disown me for getting pregnant in my teens. Taylor will be horrified at the mere mention of it, and she'll cut me out of her life. Josh will leave me. He's only young and his career is getting incredible, he doesn't need a child just yet. He'll go bloody mental when I break it to him. Dan'll absolutely snap, and in a fit of rage will murder Josh because he got me pregnant, and then Dan'll end up in jail for life.

I'll just be known as the girl who got knocked-up at nineteen who also has a brother in jail for murdering her baby-daddy. I'll be a teen mum more than likely living on my own in some shitty apartment. My life is over, since I'll be a college dropout with no qualifications who nobody wants to hire. I'm a goner. And I also think I need to stop watching TV drama so much.

---

I walked out of the doctors office and got the bus home in a daze, letting myself into mine and Josh's apartment and collapsing onto the sofa. Here, I cried for about an hour. I'd gotten myself into such a mess. The thought of this made me feel ill again, and you could only guess that I spent a further fifteen minutes throwing up. Morning sickness was a killer.

When I'd showered and gotten into some shorts and a bandeau, I realized I was starving with hunger. I made myself some Mac N Cheese in a poor effort of trying to feel better, but it failed. I felt worse.

I spent the remainder of the day in a daze, unsure of what to do or how to make things better...if that's possible.

Notes

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