What Can I Say

I was laying curled up in a ball on my carpet thinking of everything and nothing all at once. I just wanted his body next to mine right now but I knew that it wasn't going to happen. He had gone back home per his mom's request. She didn't like us hanging out all the time, she thought I was a bad influence on him. Soft music wafted through the air, a silent prayer that it would drown out my thoughts. I heard my phone buzz softly, I rolled my eyes as I looked over to it.

From Dickhead:

Hey, I got two tickets to the Ravens game wanna come?

I quickly replied to him that I would love to go. I stood up and pulled on my Flacco jersey instead of just laying around in my sports bra. I quickly began to brush out my long hair, wishing I could make it do anything other than what it always did. I sighed, knowing my battle was lost with my hair, I always seemed to lose it seemed pointless now. I quickly fixed my makeup, suddenly caring what I looked like.

I heard a horn blare from outside. I quickly flew down the stairs. I walked into the front room where I could hear the TV and saw my mom was asleep on the couch. I sighed and took one of the blankets that was there, covering her with it carefully. I wrote a note for her so she wouldn't freak out when she woke up and I wasn't here. I grabbed Alex's Ravens sweatshirt just in case and walked out of my house, tying the jacket around my waist. I saw Alex smiling behind the wheel of his car. I opened the door and quickly entered the vehicle.

"Hey beautiful, it's been a while since I've seen you," he smiled.

"Yeah, a whole two hours. What are you supposed to do without me in that time? The horror," I said sarcastically.

"Never mind, I'm going to bring Jack to the game. Get out of the car."

"No Alex, don't. You know I love you."

"Did you just say the "L" word?"

"You know when I use it, it doesn't mean anything. You should know that by now. It's like you saying 'Oh my God.'"

"Valid enough of a point."

I looked at his hands on the wheel, Foo Fighters playing softly in the background. I secretly wondered what it would be like to have his fingers intertwining with mine. I pushed the thought away. I swore I would never hurt Alex and I was a woman to my word. I'd never go against it. My promise would last forever. I'd never be the reason tears would stain his cheeks. I'd never be the reason he was screaming at the sky for an answer he'd never receive an answer for. I'd never be the reason he wouldn't sleep at night. I'd never be the reason that his dreams are plagued.

I swallowed absentmindedly and looked out the window. I traced the tattoo on my hand with the other one, it was something I had grown accustomed to recently. How much longer could I lie to myself and everyone around me? I didn't feel anything though, emotions were not for me. I was not meant to live a normal life. I was meant for something more than growing up, getting married and having kids. I was meant to change the world to some degree to do something that people would talk about.

"Shay, you alright," Alex asked, concern covering his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking a lot I guess," I said.

"Shay, you'll talk to me if anything comes up again, right?"

"I always keep promises Alex. I swear I will talk to you if I need to."

"Alright, you know I love you right?"

"Yeah, I do."

The car ride was silent, not because of my unwillingness to speak but because of his statement. He hated to talk about that and I hated to hear about it as well. We all make mistakes in our life and it's important that we move on from them like I had. Once again Foo Fighters filled the cab, taking my mind off of everything. Music had the ability to do that, it was the only medicine I'd ever need. It could take my mind off of everything, including the impossible.

Notes

I really hope this chapter made sense to everyone else like it did for me. Also, I've been deep in the feels today so that's why it's taken a while to get this out. I also got my tickets for the Back To The Future Hearts Tour, if you're going to the Charlotte show let me know. I'd love to meet some of y'all!! How would y'all feel about a depressing one shot later, I'm really feeling it right now.

Leave a comment and rate if you enjoy :)

Title Credit: Say Something - A Great Big World