What Can I Say

I slightly crept out of my house and walked down the street. The black pavement was surprisingly soft underneath my bare feet. The air still smelled heavy of the rain that had fallen only hours before and the moisture was clinging to my skin. I curled further into Alex's jacket as I saw the forest in front of me. I shivered as my feet touched the rain covered grass as I stood before the trees that managed to stand what was thrown at them. I entered the dark woods, admiring what was around me as I found what I was looking for. I sat carefully down on a large rock and dangled my feet into the creek that was underneath the rock. The cold rushing water made me think.

I was never the hopeless romantic, I was never going to be the princess that was waiting for some prince to sweep her off of her feet and save her from whatever danger. I was never that kind of girl. I didn't have plans for my wedding because I wasn't even sure I was ever going to get married. I wasn't that kind of girl. I couldn't tell you where my future wedding would take place, I couldn't tell you what my first dance would be or even what I would want my dress to look like. However, I wanted someone who's hand I could hold when we went out together. I wanted to fall asleep in someone's arms whenever I needed. I wanted someone who would hold me without question whenever I asked. I wanted someone who would proudly show me off because he was proud to call me his. I didn't have that.

I breathed in the cold air around me. It was nearly silent outside and I surprisingly liked it. I was never going to be the typical girl, I never had been. Just for once I wanted to be swept off of my feet into someone's arms. Maybe getting married would be fun I could get used to it honestly, especially if it meant I got to be with my best friend all day every day. I mean, why wouldn't I want that? When all you hear about is finding your "other half" and the idealization of love how can you not want that?

Breaking things off with Trent was the easy part of this, I was used to doing that, I had gotten to be good at it. The hard part was Alex. I had fallen in love with him and that's where the problem started. If I was him I wouldn't take me back. I also knew that the universe was cruel. I was afraid to get him back because I figured he would break my heart, it was the universe's way of getting back at me after all right?

"Shay, just tell him," I whispered to myself. "You know you can't you're not strong enough to tell him that."

I was right on both parts. I should tell him but I knew that I wouldn't be able to force myself to do it because I was so afraid of rejection. That's why instead of getting on the phone to call him I was still sitting on this damn rock with my feet chilling in the water. This was so much easier then coming face to face with everything I had been running from for years. I could probably wrestle a bear and it would be easier then calling Alex. I was a scared little girl and that's why I wouldn't do it.

Jack's words rang through my mind, Alex wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces whenever I was left heartbroken because I wasn't there to pick up his. Instead he was left holding the pieces because the girl who promised she'd fix it didn't do shit. I never wanted to play with his emotions, I was just trying to figure mine out and that was more complicated then I could ever begin to imagine. I swore that love didn't exist for years but I wasn't sure how to explain my emotions in any other way because the only word that really made sense for it was love. That four letter word was messing my mind up so much, more then I ever thought they would because it's four stupid letters.

Somehow I grabbed my phone and acknowledged that it was after midnight. I could only hope that Alex wouldn't answer whether because it was me calling or because it was close to one am. I knew the first of the two reasons would be the reason that he wouldn't pick up if I had to leave a message. I clicked on his name and heard it ring only twice before he spoke.

"Hello," he questioned.

He hadn't looked at who was calling and that's why he was picking it up. He didn't sound tired at all so that means I didn't wake him up either, he was just up doing whatever Alex does at one am.

"Hey Lex," I spoke softly.

"Shay, why are you calling me? I don't really want to hear from you," he said, slightly agitated.

"Please don't hang up Lex."

"Give me one reason."

"I can give you two. I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I'm sorry I did and that I left you to pick up the pieces of your heart alone after swearing I never would. I'm sorry."

"What's reason two?"

"Lex, I love you."

Notes

She told him, dun dun duh!!! This chapter I know is very wordy with very little dialogue but she is thinking a lot. I think her thought process is a complete 180 from what it was at the beginning of this story, don't y'all think? I really like this chapter so I hope y'all do as well.

Leave a comment and rate if you enjoy :)

Title credit: I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith