Double Take.
Chapter Fifteen
Jack
"Do you like fucking with my emotions Alex, is that something that brings you joy," I snarled into the phone.
"Jay listen to me please," I heard the boy beg.
Let me care to explain what's happened. I accidently told Alex I had loved him to which I ran from afterwards because I was afraid and during this time Alex moved back in with Rian because why would he want to be with me anyway? I ran back, missing the last week of tour to try to get this boy back into my life. He then shoved me away swearing he didn't love me again after I kissed him. I ran back home and fell into a week of sex, alcohol, and drugs trying to numb the pain that was ripping through my heart. I did something that I never thought I would've had the courage to do and sing the song that Alex had written for me all those years again on a live stream. It was done to get him out of my head, out of my heart. After that he told people to tell me that he still loves me and to call him. I was trying to get him out of my life and he was trying to get back into mine.
"Why, so you can convince me that you really do love me and I'm the only thing you need for you to only shove me away again? I'm trying to move on after five years. Better late than never right," I asked.
I looked at the line on the counter before sniffing it up through the fifty from my wallet. I leaned my head back, blinking my eyes rapidly as tears threatened to fall from them. I looked down at the table, what was I becoming? My eyes scanned over the powder and the bag of marijuana as well as my phone currently on speaker. Was this what I wanted to be?
"Jack, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt anyone. It just hurt me less to not love you, to forget about you. It also hurts me to not be with you. You reminded me of the feelings I had pushed aside. I'm at your door, let me in," he whispered in the phone.
"You won't like what you see," I whispered.
"I don't care, open the door, let me in."
I stood up, taking the blunt from the ashtray, pressing it to my lips. I inhaled in sharply. I took the approach of I couldn't be happy on my own so I found an artificial happy. I placed it back, hoping I wouldn't finish it and walked to the door. I was bare-chested, wearing only a pair of black sweatpants. My glasses were perched on my nose. I opened the door carefully, it was the first time I had seen sunlight in a week.
"Jack," Alex whispered, stepping forward and hugging me.
He pulled away and looked up at my bloodshot eyes. I bowed my head in shame, I was unfixable. Broken beyond repair. I gestured for Alex to come into my house, him noticing the smell immediately. I closed the door and followed him into my living room where he took everything in. He picked up the cloth on the table, knowing what it's for and shook his head, tears pricking at his eyes.
"Fame changed you. The Jack I knew would never be doing things like this," he said, raising the towel.
"I don't like to think it's the fame. I only got the fame from heartbreak. I only got the fame because I ran back to the person I had loved the most and hurt the most only to find out that I had been replaced who was better than me in everyway possible. If you took me I would've never played with Brian and Matt and them. Zacky would be in my place, he fits better wouldn't you say? Fame saved me.
"Now, that sounds like a strange sentence doesn't it? Fame saved me from chasing after you for these past five years. Fame saved me from the heartbreak that was immanent. It knew what would happen and wrapped it's arms around me to keep my safe like a mother with her child. Then your stupid, pink-haired self comes crashing back into my life. I thought I was over you. I thought I didn't love you. I thought wrong.
"Now, what does all of that mean? It means that if fame changed me then it's your doing. Because of you I stand on a stage most of the year. However, I don't think it was fame that ever changed me. I think it was you. I think you reduced me to this."
Alex stood across from me, the strip of cloth still in his hand. He was now looking down at the table, noticing all that littered it's surface. I could see tears falling from his eyes. I knew that my words would sting. Much like a knife they seemed to cut deep.
"You know I tried to forget you too. You left me, you fucking promised me that you wouldn't leave. I was terrified for you, I was terrified for me. You can pin all you want on me but I had a broken heart I needed to attend to. I wanted to make myself happy, I needed to pay attention to myself. I really thought you could've been the one, you were easy to love. Easy to be around. That's when Andy came in and I realized I had met him. Well that's still kind of true, I had met him. He wasn't Andy though. You came back, there was that familiar feeling in my stomach but I ignored it, I was happy with Andy," Alex whispered.
"Yeah, I can see how well he did you, fucking another in the bed that you called yours. I'd've never done that," I retorted.
"And he'd never take to the bottle, to drugs, to fill the broken parts of his self. He knows that those won't fix shit, they just render you more and more broken. You can't dare say you're happy. Look at the misery in your soul."
"I never once said they fixed me. I never once said they made me feel happy. They make me feel something other than numb. They make me feel almost as if I'm a human being and not a zombie, barely walking the earth. I never said they fixed anything, I just think I'm passed fixing."
"I want a challenge."
"I want to be more than a challenge."
"Jack, can we take it all back. Can we go back to that place from five years ago? Can we be more than we are? I'll fix you if you fix me. Put all of this behind us; we have how long before your next tour?"
"A month."
"Can you give me just one month? One month to repair what I broke. One month to show you that the past years were a mistake. One month to prove to you that I truly do love you Jack. One month."
I looked at him, did I want to try? Did I want to let this boy into my brokenness? What about when he realized that he didn't actually love me? I think I was ready to give up this life I had begun to live. I think I was ready to become something bigger than all of this. I nodded so slowly I was certain he didn't see.
"One month," I whispered.
"One month," he repeated, his lips ghosting over mine.
"Do you like fucking with my emotions Alex, is that something that brings you joy," I snarled into the phone.
"Jay listen to me please," I heard the boy beg.
Let me care to explain what's happened. I accidently told Alex I had loved him to which I ran from afterwards because I was afraid and during this time Alex moved back in with Rian because why would he want to be with me anyway? I ran back, missing the last week of tour to try to get this boy back into my life. He then shoved me away swearing he didn't love me again after I kissed him. I ran back home and fell into a week of sex, alcohol, and drugs trying to numb the pain that was ripping through my heart. I did something that I never thought I would've had the courage to do and sing the song that Alex had written for me all those years again on a live stream. It was done to get him out of my head, out of my heart. After that he told people to tell me that he still loves me and to call him. I was trying to get him out of my life and he was trying to get back into mine.
"Why, so you can convince me that you really do love me and I'm the only thing you need for you to only shove me away again? I'm trying to move on after five years. Better late than never right," I asked.
I looked at the line on the counter before sniffing it up through the fifty from my wallet. I leaned my head back, blinking my eyes rapidly as tears threatened to fall from them. I looked down at the table, what was I becoming? My eyes scanned over the powder and the bag of marijuana as well as my phone currently on speaker. Was this what I wanted to be?
"Jack, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt anyone. It just hurt me less to not love you, to forget about you. It also hurts me to not be with you. You reminded me of the feelings I had pushed aside. I'm at your door, let me in," he whispered in the phone.
"You won't like what you see," I whispered.
"I don't care, open the door, let me in."
I stood up, taking the blunt from the ashtray, pressing it to my lips. I inhaled in sharply. I took the approach of I couldn't be happy on my own so I found an artificial happy. I placed it back, hoping I wouldn't finish it and walked to the door. I was bare-chested, wearing only a pair of black sweatpants. My glasses were perched on my nose. I opened the door carefully, it was the first time I had seen sunlight in a week.
"Jack," Alex whispered, stepping forward and hugging me.
He pulled away and looked up at my bloodshot eyes. I bowed my head in shame, I was unfixable. Broken beyond repair. I gestured for Alex to come into my house, him noticing the smell immediately. I closed the door and followed him into my living room where he took everything in. He picked up the cloth on the table, knowing what it's for and shook his head, tears pricking at his eyes.
"Fame changed you. The Jack I knew would never be doing things like this," he said, raising the towel.
"I don't like to think it's the fame. I only got the fame from heartbreak. I only got the fame because I ran back to the person I had loved the most and hurt the most only to find out that I had been replaced who was better than me in everyway possible. If you took me I would've never played with Brian and Matt and them. Zacky would be in my place, he fits better wouldn't you say? Fame saved me.
"Now, that sounds like a strange sentence doesn't it? Fame saved me from chasing after you for these past five years. Fame saved me from the heartbreak that was immanent. It knew what would happen and wrapped it's arms around me to keep my safe like a mother with her child. Then your stupid, pink-haired self comes crashing back into my life. I thought I was over you. I thought I didn't love you. I thought wrong.
"Now, what does all of that mean? It means that if fame changed me then it's your doing. Because of you I stand on a stage most of the year. However, I don't think it was fame that ever changed me. I think it was you. I think you reduced me to this."
Alex stood across from me, the strip of cloth still in his hand. He was now looking down at the table, noticing all that littered it's surface. I could see tears falling from his eyes. I knew that my words would sting. Much like a knife they seemed to cut deep.
"You know I tried to forget you too. You left me, you fucking promised me that you wouldn't leave. I was terrified for you, I was terrified for me. You can pin all you want on me but I had a broken heart I needed to attend to. I wanted to make myself happy, I needed to pay attention to myself. I really thought you could've been the one, you were easy to love. Easy to be around. That's when Andy came in and I realized I had met him. Well that's still kind of true, I had met him. He wasn't Andy though. You came back, there was that familiar feeling in my stomach but I ignored it, I was happy with Andy," Alex whispered.
"Yeah, I can see how well he did you, fucking another in the bed that you called yours. I'd've never done that," I retorted.
"And he'd never take to the bottle, to drugs, to fill the broken parts of his self. He knows that those won't fix shit, they just render you more and more broken. You can't dare say you're happy. Look at the misery in your soul."
"I never once said they fixed me. I never once said they made me feel happy. They make me feel something other than numb. They make me feel almost as if I'm a human being and not a zombie, barely walking the earth. I never said they fixed anything, I just think I'm passed fixing."
"I want a challenge."
"I want to be more than a challenge."
"Jack, can we take it all back. Can we go back to that place from five years ago? Can we be more than we are? I'll fix you if you fix me. Put all of this behind us; we have how long before your next tour?"
"A month."
"Can you give me just one month? One month to repair what I broke. One month to show you that the past years were a mistake. One month to prove to you that I truly do love you Jack. One month."
I looked at him, did I want to try? Did I want to let this boy into my brokenness? What about when he realized that he didn't actually love me? I think I was ready to give up this life I had begun to live. I think I was ready to become something bigger than all of this. I nodded so slowly I was certain he didn't see.
"One month," I whispered.
"One month," he repeated, his lips ghosting over mine.
Notes
There's a whole mess of emotions because that's how I'm feeling right now. So, updates are going to be sparatic and few for me right now. I'm moving into college next Friday and I have a lot I need to do and I don't know how to do a lot of this and I'm not even an adult and it's a really weird time (I am an adult next Saturday (the 15th) though but that doesn't help). I'm like freaking out and not sleeping a lot. I'm sorry that updates from me will be far and few between. Also, I'm from the South where I'd've is a word which means I would have. Sorry if slang that might be unknown slips in let me know and I'll translate.
Leave a comment and rate if you enjoy :)
- Jess
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
8/13/15