Figure It Out

After a short pep talk from May, I walked out to my driveway to wait for Alex. He texted me and asked if we could talk. It took everything I had not to tell him that his silence had been killing me.

When I saw his figure turn on to my street, my heart all but skipped a beat. His head was down, making his hair fall in front of his face. I could tell he was nervous by the way his feet shuffled along the concrete. Usually, his steps were laced with confidence. Now, it looked like he was walking to his execution. I swallowed back my fear and yelled to him, trying anything to let him know it was okay.

“Hey, Gaskarth!”

His head shot up and his eyes met mine, making me smile.

“Did you break a hip or something? Hurry your pretty ass up!”

He laughed, sending butterflies up my stomach. His golden hair shimmered in the sunlight when he shook his head, flashing me a sincere Gaskarth smile.

“You think my ass is pretty?!” he shouted. I let out a thick breath; everything was going to go back to normal.

“So what if I do?!”

Was this flirting? Were we flirting?

No. No way. Even if I did have feelings for Alex, it wouldn’t mean anything. He’d never fall for me. I was nothing compared to him. He outshined me I every single aspect of life. While I was failing, he was in the top of our class. While I was having one night stands with random girls, he was in committed relationships… until recently, anyway. And, while I had my oversized nose and scrawny figure, he was beautiful. His whiskey colored eyes made me feel drunk when they met mine. His smile made me feel warmer than the sun did on a hot day. And his body… don’t even get me started. Band tees hugged his waist and stomach perfectly, and his jeans sat-

“Dude, you okay?”

I blinked, snapping out of my thoughts. His concerned face was inches from mine, sending a buzz to my lips.

“I… what?” I mumbled, taking a step back so I didn’t do anything idiotic.

“Your face is super red and you zoned for like… three minutes. Is that what I’m like? Damn.” He said with that stupid half grin painted lazy on his face.

I attempted to laugh it off and shrugged. If he noticed my admiration and embarrassment, he didn’t say anything.

“That’s exactly what you’re like.” I stated, slipping my hands into my front pockets.

“How on earth do you put up with me?” Alex sighed dramatically.

When he let out a small smile, I did too. I couldn’t help it.

“I only keep you around because you’re pretty.” I replied in a sarcastic tone. He gave me one of his famous “fuck you” stares and I laughed. “Actually, I’m a serial killer. I’m going to murder you in your sleep tonight.”

He shoved my shoulder with a small smirk, causing me to stumble over.

“Hey!” I laughed as I pushed him back. Soon enough, we were sitting on my driveway, completely back to normal. It felt amazing to have him back.

“Hey, Lex?” I looked over at him. He turned to me, his brown eyes glittering in the early afternoon sunlight.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry about how I acted yesterday. I shouldn’t have reacted that way when you told me that you didn’t want to share your song. That was uncool of me.” I bit the inside of my cheek to try to calm my nerves. For a few seconds, his face was unreadable. His eyes searched mine, a body movement that would usually make me feel small. However, Alex had a special way of making me feel safe all the time. I didn’t turn my head or try to hide my apology. Our friendship didn’t work that way.

He grinned and shook his head. “It’s fine, dude. I know you’re not used to me keeping shit like that from you… or anything from you, really. I’m not used to it either. I’m just really proud of this and I only want you to see the finished product… if it turns out how I want it to. If it goes to shit, I’m scraping it and starting over.”

I smiled, the warm feeling of relief spreading through my body. The anxieties that plagued me last night seemed stupid now. We were still the same old Alex and Jack, he was just keeping something private for now. I could handle that. I could definitely handle that.

“Sounds good, Lex. I’d love to see it when or if you want me to. I’m sure it’s amazing.” I smiled at him, stopping myself before I said something really stupid.

Alex let out a slightly stressed sigh. “I really hope so.”

We sat in silence for the next fifteen minutes. I didn’t mind at all. The calm air around us was perfect after the rough storm I had been through the night before. Just being next to him felt so right and I never wanted to leave. How had I just noticed these feelings?

I blinked hard.

Shit. Did I just admit that I had feelings for Alex?

Shit.

I glanced over at him, watching as he let himself fall into space. Seeing the look of peace settle over his face made my heart swell. This was when he looked the most beautiful. When he forgot about himself for a while. When he forgot about me for a while. When he forgot about the world for a while. He finally let his face and body relax, something he always had trouble doing.

It was easy to see the anxiety in Alex’s eyes sometimes. Other times, it looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. While he suffered from constant panic attacks, he also was entirely calm sometimes. Calmer than I’ve her been, probably.

Eventually, he noticed me staring and smiled.

“What?” he asked sarcastically, “Can’t get enough of my indescribable beauty?”

He started laughing and I mimicked him. If only he knew.

Notes