Figure It Out

“I am not telling him!”
May rolled her eyes at me. When she gave me her famous ‘I’m your big sister and I am a million times wiser than you are’ look, I knew I would be lucky to win this argument. A small smile sat on her face as she watched me. She kept her mouth shut for a while, leaving me to my thoughts. Sometimes, I’d think myself into going with her plans. But that wasn’t going to happen this time.
“You’re not going to convince me to tell him. I promise.” I huffed, crossing my arms.
“Hm… we’ll see about that.” She replied.
I would’ve marched out the door at that point, but she decided to hold this meeting in my room. I had a feeling that she did this on purpose.
“Why the fuck would I tell him?! It would ruin our friendship.”
“But what if he feels the same way?”
I paused at her response, letting it settle into my skin. What if he did feel the same way? What if we were both holding back our feelings? What if we were hiding something amazing?
I shook my head. My stupid ‘what if’s were the reason Alex and I had started fighting a few days earlier. I wasn’t going to let them fuck up my life again.
“But what if he doesn’t?”
May groaned. “Then he’s a fucking idiot. Who wouldn’t be in to you?”
“He’s straight, May! That doesn’t make him an idiot. It’s not his fault.”
I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that Alex might think of me like that. I could barely wrap my head around the idea that I had feelings for Alex. Did I? Maybe I was just being a weird teenage boy. This was normal, right?
Totally normal.
“I don’t know, it kind of make se- wait,” May whipped her head around and looked directly into my eyes, “did you just admit that you’re not straight?”
“What?”
“You were talking about how Alex isn’t straight… you didn’t say anything about you. You made it sound like you guys are in two separate groups. Straight and… not straight.”
I rolled my eyes. Maybe I did just admit that I’m not 100% straight… but I wasn’t ready to say that out loud.
“Anyway,” I deflected her accusation, “what kind of makes sense?”
She sighed at me but let the question go. I guess she understood that I just wasn’t ready.
“Why he wouldn’t let you read what he wrote.” She responded.
“Huh?”
She gave an ‘isn’t it obvious?’ look before she continued.
“What if it’s about you? He wouldn’t want you to read it if it’s about you.”
I let out one loud, hard laugh. “That’s ridiculous.”
May’s face held a small, knowing grin. “Is it?”
I didn’t even want to think about whether or not it was ridiculous. I didn’t want to think about this at all. I wanted everything to go back to how it used to be. Before hormones and people made everything complicated. I could remember how Alex and I acted during middle school. Sure, dating was on our minds, but it wasn’t our top priority. It didn’t really matter back then. Nothing like this mattered back then. Why couldn’t it be like that now?
When I didn’t respond, she let out a triumphant “hmph” and stood up. She started heading out of the room, and I was perfectly happy letting her think that she had won. Sadly, my sister is pretty smart and knows me very well.
“You think I’m wrong.” She observed, spinning around on her heel to face me.
I kept my mouth shut and stared at my hands. Exhaustion washed over me; I was tired of arguing. And thinking.
For a few minutes, there was silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, and I appreciated that. Instead, it was a thoughtful silence. One that filled up the entire room. I knew May was choosing her next words very carefully.
“Well, you have to tell someone.” she said gently, “That’s the first step.”
A small, annoyed groan escaped my lips. “I told you, didn’t I?”
May threw me a look, but I ignored it. I just wanted her to leave. But, before I could open my mouth to tell her to get out, she spoke.
“What about Rian?” she questioned, “His brother has a boyfriend, right? And he’s cool with it. Start with him.”
I shook my head slightly before letting my body crash on to my bed. At that point, May apparently got the hint and slowly started backing out of the room. I was thankful for her to leave, but I realized that I had one more thing that I needed to get off of my chest.
“I slept with someone a few nights ago.” I blurted out.
“A guy?”
“No. A girl that goes to my school. Her name is Lauren.”
May paused before asking her next question.
“Does Alex know?”
I sighed, knowing she wouldn’t like the answer.
“Yeah. I told him yesterday night.”
“Jack!” She moved from her spot in my doorway and marched towards me, “Why on earth would you tell him?!” her tone warned that she was about to lecture me.
“Please stop,” I responded gently, “I really don’t need or want this right now.”
May let out a loud, frustrated groan.
“How many times have you slept with her?!”
I didn’t respond. Tears began to burn the back of my eyes.
“Does he know about all the times you’ve slept with her?!”
I still didn’t respond. My honest answers weren’t the ones she wanted. I knew she could figure them out herself. I drew in a shaky breath.
“Well, no wonder he won’t show you what he wrote. He totally thinks you’re straight!”
“Leave me alone, May.”
“I can’t believe you’ve been doing this. I mean, do whatever you want but if you really want Alex to like you, you can’t ke-”
“May,” my voice cracked and I let a few tears slip out, “please, leave me alone.”
She looked at me with sad, hesitant eyes. I knew she wanted to help, but I also knew that she couldn’t. She knew that too. Without a word, she walked out of my room and down the hall. I heard her door shut gently and stood up to close mine. When the door gave out a quiet thud, I leaned my forehead against the wall and cried.
I had one of those silent cries. The kind that make your throat burn because you don’t want to let out a sob. The kind that instantly gives you a huge headache because you cry and think at the same time. The kind of cry that makes you crave your best friend. My problem was, I was crying over my best friend.
After a few minutes, I composed myself. When I finally checked my phone, I had a few texts from Alex. I ignored them.
Instead, I scrolled through my contact list until I landed on Rian’s name. I decided that I didn’t want to text him. I wanted the entire conversation to be verbal, even though I wasn’t telling him anything important over the phone.
I felt confident during the first ring. Rian would love me no matter what.
It rang a second time.
Would he love me no matter what? It’s different with his brother. He doesn’t have to worry about his brother getting a crush on him. What if Rian thought I’d start liking him and be weirded out?
It rang a third time.
Halfway through the ring, I pulled the phone away from my ear, ready to hang up.
There was a click.
“Hello?”
I sucked in a deep breath.
“Hey man, it’s Jack.”
“Hey dude, what’s up?!” Rian responded enthusiastically.
“Uh,” fuck, what was I supposed to say?
I started again, “Uh, not much. Are you busy?”
I could feel my hands shaking and sweating. Was I really ready for this?
“Nope, I don’t have anything going on today. Why? Is everything okay, dude? You sound a bit shaken up.”
Fuck, I thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Yeah, I’m alright. Can you come over?”
“Uh, sure? Is there something you wanna do?” Rian sounded confused and concerned. I didn’t blame him.
“I need to tell you something. Something important.”
“Is everything okay?” Rian sounded really concerned now.
“Yeah, dude. Just… come over soon, okay?” I tried my best to sound calm and normal. He didn’t buy it.
“Okay, man. I’m heading over right now. I’ll see you soon.” His response was rushed and he hung up the phone immediately. He was probably already out the door. We only lived a little over half a mile away from each other. It was an easy walk. He’d be here any second.
I stood up and began pacing my room. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t talk myself in or out of the situation. I was stuck.
Suddenly, there was a small knock on the door. May peaked her head in.
“I’m proud of you, little bro. Everything is going to be okay.”
I smiled at her.
Yeah, maybe everything would be okay. Maybe.

Notes

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