I'll hang from your lips, instead of the gallows of heartache that hand from above.

I knew that I probably shouldn't have snapped at Josie for calling me to pick her up early. I knew the basics of what was going on but I didn't know how bad it was until I heard Mari and her talking. All I heard was Mari tell her not to put me through that. I knew what they were talking about. It shouldn't be just because of me that she doesn't do anything like that. It should be because she is happy. Both my girls deserved to be happy. Mari can say it all she wants but I can see in her eyes that she's given up.

"We won't tel your father about this Jojo," Mari whispered to our daughter.

Was I a horrible parent? I snapped at my child because I want the best for her because I didn't realize how much that was hurting her. I just want her to go and do great things, I want her to be something. I valued education and she deserved the very best, was I wrong? Should we pull her, should we try to make her happier? That's all I want for her, she deserves the fucking world.

I climbed down the stairs, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was Atlas, struggling to hold the world up. I was crumbling underneath the weight that had been thrown on my shoulders. I was supposed to be her Superman but I didn't even know when she was falling apart. I couldn't tel when she breaking, how was I supposed to save her?

I turned as I heard a noise in the kitchen behind me. I saw Josie reaching into the fridge for food, why did I feel guilty every time I looked at her? She was so happy, so innocent but the world had to take that from her. It broke my heart to realize that I was doing what I could to save her and I just couldn't. I would give anything up for this girl but that didn't seem to be enough some times.

I felt her wrap her arms around me for a hug. Tears began to fall from my eyes, this was too hard for me. I never wanted Josie to have the problems I did in middle school. Neither Marianna nor I wanted Josie to have to go through school always looking over her shoulder, afraid to make any move. I heard combat boots clatter against the stairs, I took this to mean that Mari felt well enough to leave her room for the first time in a while.

"Daddy, thank you," I heard Josie whisper to me.

"Why are you thanking me, I didn't believe you," I asked the smaller girl.

"Because you are trying so hard to make Mommy and I happy."

I looked over at Mari and saw tears in her eyes as well. That moment was so sweet, I knew that she hadn't told Josie to say any of that. It was Josie's own accord, watching me struggle. Marianna didn't even know some of the things I was trying to do. Marianna came over and hugged both I and our daughter. I didn't want to think where I'd be without them

"Oh, I need to sit down," Mari said softly.

I watched as she walked to the seat, sitting down quickly. It was saddening for me to see her like this. Her roots had grown to the point, almost making it look like she'd dip-dyed the bottom half of her hair. Her skin was pale and her eyes were shrunken in. She looked unhealthy, but still she was gorgeous. I knew that this was a hard time for her, it was for all of us.

She sighed and smiled weakly at me. Why was she still so gorgeous while her own body was betraying her? Her body was giving up a fight that she hadn't been ready to give up at all. She needed us to be there and help her no matter what but I wasn't sure how to. I wanted her to be strong but every day was becoming more of an uphill struggle than the day before. Months were turning into weeks. How much longer would I have my angel?

I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

I sat beside her, pulling her into my lap. We watched Josie go into the fridge and pull an energy drink out. She looked at us, nodding softly, and walked out of the room. I kissed Mari's cheek softly. She grabbed my hand, interlocking our fingers. There was so much in life that we hadn't done yet. We lost three years of our time together.

"I'm not going to leave your side Mari, I swear," I whispered in her ear.

"Jay, I need you. I need you to be there for Jo once I'm gone. I need you to stay strong for her. I need you to prove to her that she is going to be okay. She is broken, you need to be her Superman. I need you to do this, I need you to be okay once I'm gone," she whispered back.

"Mari, I can't stay strong without you, I need you. Jo needs you. We can't be this family without you."

"You've done it before, what'd you do during that three month period where I was gone because I cheated?"

"You swore we'd never talk about that again."

"Answer the fucking question Jay."

"I drank myself to sleep every night and had pointless sex with whomever whenever I could. I was a mess without you, I was going to drink myself to death and no one would've known. I need you. I need you to realize that without you Jo and I are a fucking mess. What are we to do when you're gone Mari? I know neither of us want to think about it but we need to."

"Jay, I love you, I really do. I will do everything I can but there's only so much I can do."

"I love you too and I trust you. Just know that I can't be here physically forever. I'll be with you until you join me again Jay, please know that."

I kissed her cheek softly, she let out a soft giggle at the motion of affection. She was used to my over affection by now and had grown to love it. I had grown to love her lack of affection due to fear. I knew that to this day she was still afraid to trust anyone because of how badly she had been hurt. I loved her for that, I loved her for everything.

"I won't give up on you as long as you don't give up on yourself," I said to her softly.

"I won't give up on myself, I promise Jay," she whispered, attaching our lips.

You're my survival, you're my living proof. My love is alive and not dead.

Notes

So today I found out that I am allowed to go and get a tattoo later this month which is freaking awesome. I also went shopping this week and tried a new style and it's just awesome.

Title and lyrics credit: I'll Be by Edwin McCain

Tumblr: Jointhetidalwaves