I can't talk to him anymore. After what happened Sunday, I've been dealing with feling so hurt. He played me like a fiddle and got a kick out of it. I hate it. I can't even write a damn lyric anymore. All of my creative energy is gone. All I can do is try to sing and strum on my guitar to songs I've learned. I miss my music, but my constant fighting with my musician father has caused me to hit a rut.
I'm also struggling to sleep. Dad always tucked me in at night when he was home. Since the party, he's avoided my room at night. I'm always crying and I feel so alone. I pushed too far and now I think I lost him this time. He's leaving in the morning while I'm in school and I won't see him for two months. I'm missing him and he hasn't even left yet.
"This isn't me. And I hate what we've become. This isn't my life. And I don't know where it went wrong. Wait and see. We'll figure it out. Then we'll skip this town. You know you're better off with me. We've been broken for so long. So we will drive as far as we know, We've got but one mile to go, This is our fight. We can't break this time. We've got all night," I sang as loud as I could manage, which was just a whisper. I needed to talk to him. I had to apologize. I'm falling to pieces and what little time I get to spend with Jack isn't helping me feel better. Neither is the play time I have in abundance with Noelle.
I set my guitar in the corner where I always stored it. I made my way slowly to my parents' bedroom. The door was open just a crack and I could hear Mom and Dad discussing me.
"Alex, you have to stop giving her the damn silent treatment. I hear her constanly cying. She's stopped playing her own music. Please talk to her before you leave. I'm afraid she'll do what I did so long ago," Mom spoke almost sternly to him. I remember when I was eight that I noticed scars on her left forearm and she told me that she hurt herself and Uncle Micah stopped her from hurting herself more and how Dad helped her keep herself from doing it again. She thought I was going to harm myself after he leaves?
"Jules, I'm waiting on her to process everything I've done. I want her to see that she's not ready to grow up yet. I hear the lack of her music too. I hate not hearing her own words fly through the house. I want her to come to me. I want her to realize things on her own. I want her to see the silent treatment works both ways," he was avoiding me because I was avoiding him. I was avoiding him because I didn't knwo what to think after what happened Sunday. He fucked with my head. He hurt me. Did I hurt him by sneaking out to be a teenager?
"Mom...Dad," I asked sheepishly in a whisper as I knocked on their door. My constant crying made me lose my talking voice.
"Come on in Stella," Mom replied. I opened the door and I saw Dad first. He was dressed for bed as was Mom. I saw Dad's luggage sitting right next to the door. I knew this was going to be the last time I would see Dad before he left for two months to tour in the UK and Europe. Hopefully he'd be home in time for his birthday and Christmas. I knew he wouldn't be here for mine and Tom's birthday this year.
"I want to talk to Dad alone. In my room," I requested kindly, my voice cracking.
"That's fine. Come on," Dad replied and followed me to my room.
I walked slowly, my feet barely leaving the carpet of the hall as we walked to my room. I felt so fragile, like if I trip and fall and Dad didn't catch me, I'd shatter like the glass of my picture frame. I think he noticed that I was about to crumble because his rough hand that had the old rose tattoo for my uncle and held onto my smaller hand. As we walked into my room, Dad picked me up and placed me into my bed.
"I'm so sorry, Daddy. I don't mean to disappoint you. I'm just a kid. I don't know how to do anything right. I can't play my music anymore because I'm afraid that you hate me now and you've ignored me. I've been to scared to try to talk to you, thinking you'd continue to ignore me. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like I'm like the glass of my picture frame, one false move and I'll shatter," I cried heavily. I felt so alone now. I can't stand to push him anymore, I want to pull him close and never let go.
"Don't cry any more, Stella," Dad cooed as he pulled me into his chest, rocking me slowly, "I don't hate you. I can never hate you. You can never disappoint me either. You upset me and push my buttons at times. That's part of you being my teenage daughter. I only ignored you because you didn't try to talk to me. Your mom and I noticed your music is being effected by everything that's been going on. I want you to know that I don't want you to give up on your music. You are gifted, princess, and everything that's been happening is testing you."
"I can barely sing anymore. I've tried everything," I sobbed, my voice cracking further.
"You need to let go of everything that's been bringing you down. You are only givng up on yourself. I need you to stop doing that. Take a break from trying to play and just try writing. The more you get the words onto paper, the easier it will be to actually write music again. Trust me, I've had moments like this before," Dad said soothingly.
"Daddy," I coughed from the soreness of my throat, "Can you sing me to sleep tonight?"
"Of course, princess. What do you want to hear," he asked.
"If These Sheets Were States, please," I asked as I settled in under my covers.
Dad picked up my guitar and played my song choice. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. He and I were finally talking again. I learned my lesson, never push Dad too far, I may never get him back.
"Dad," I called to him before he left my room.
"Yeah princess," he asked.
"The reason I act out is because I know you always pass through and I start missing you before even leave sometimes," I told him.
"I'll try to get Matt to give me more time between tours so I can stick around longer. Now get some sleep, you have school in the morning and I have a flight to catch," he kissed my forehead and left my room. I fell asleep, knowing that Dad wasn't upset with me anymore.

Notes

I'm sorry for any tears shed during this one. I was crying too.