Long Live the Reckless and the Brave

Saying goodbye to my family was the hardest thing in the world to do. Phone calls and text messages weren't enough, especially not when I knew I was hurting all of them by passing through. There were many times where I debated on whether or not I even really wanted to leave. I could give up that life, move back home and help Jules with the kids. God knows it would make life easier for everyone. But, I am only human, and I couldn't give up the thing I loved most in this word, right next to my family, that is. It was the only support the family had, our only income. Even if it killed me, I had to leave them behind.

"Dad?" Tom knocked on the bedroom door. Jules was still fast asleep, the clock only reading six o'clock. I had woken early enough to toss and turn for a few hours, restless to the fact that I was going away again. "Are you awake?"

His voice was soft. Jules continued to snooze beside me, so as quietly as I could, I sat up and turned on the light. In the soft glow of the lamp, I could see Tom's face held a frown. He slowly made his way in the room and sat down beside me on the bed.

"I just want you to know that I'm really going to miss you.." Neither of us were very good at this goodbye thing. "I'll try my hardest to help mom and keep Stella out of trouble."

"Thank you, Tom," I sighed, rubbing some sleep from my eyes. "Don't make yourself feel entirely responsible for her, though, okay? Stella needs to learn some of these things by herself. It's the only way they'll get through her thick skull."

"Yeah," he chuckled, staring down at the floor. "I hope you have a fun and safe trip. I can't wait until you get back."

"I love you, Tom. And I want you to know that I'm beyond proud of the young man you're turning out to be. You've got your head on straight and you're already managing a band. When I look at you, I know I'm the luckiest father in the world."

He blinked a few times, either from sleep or from tears, and threw his arms around my neck. Tom didn't like to show that he needed me as much as his sister. He'd taken over my roll as man of the house since he was about twelve and really understood that Daddy wouldn't be home for weeks at a time. He was far more mature than most kids his age.

"I love you, too, dad."

With that, he was gone. I wrapped my arms around my body, even more pained than I'd been earlier. Some say having kids is like having your heart on the outside of you body. It was true, and heartbreaking that I'd officially seen Tom's face for the last time until I get home again - Two months from now.

A part of me wished that Stella would knock on my door next, to greet me with a warm smile and give me one last hug to see me off, but she never did. I knew her just as well as I knew myself, and Stella couldn't handle another goodbye. Once every few months was enough.

"Alex? Why are you awake?"

"Couldn't sleep," I shrugged. "Plus, I think it's time for you to wake up. Liam is going to need a ride to school, isn't he?"

Juli nodded, dragging herself out of bed, leaving me alone in the room. I ran a hand through my hair and forced myself to go into our bathroom and shower. Once my teeth and hair were brush, I packed the rest of my things in a bag, and carried all of my stuff down the stairs. Tom and Stella had already left. Noelle was sitting in front of the TV in the living room, watching early morning cartoons, while Jules was cleaning up Liam's breakfast plate.

"Daddy!" He screamed, running towards me for a big hug. "You leave today, huh?"

"Yep," I frowned. "But I'll be back before you know it."

"I can tell time, dad," he rolled his eyes. He was in that phase where he knew everything and I knew nothing. "Obviously I can read a calander."

"Then you'll have to count the days, won't you?"

"Yuhuh."

Juli shot me a soft smile and began rounding up the kids to put them in the car. I carried out my bags first, then went back to get Liam's backpack and Noelle's diaper bag. Once again, I felt horrible, knowing that Jules had to be awake early enough to tend to four children, which meant she would fall asleep late, cleaning up after them and making sure they were all in bed. Groaning to myself, I slid in the front seat and silently drove in the direction of Liam's school. When we arrived, I stepped out of the car with him, bending down so we could see eye-to-eye.

"I want you to be good for mom, okay? Don't get into any trouble and clean up when you make a mess."

"You always say the same thing to me, dad."

"And I'll continue to do so until you listen. Now, promise me, Liam."

"I promise."

"Good. I love you."

"I'm gonna miss you, dad," he pulled me into a hug. "I love you, too."

I had to force myself not to cry as he let go of my neck and took off running towards the building. Shaking the memory from my mind, I slid back into the car and began toward the airport. Juli laced her fingers with my own, looking out the window. It always hurt her more than anyone when we had to part ways. The drive went by much quicker than I had hoped it would. I knew that my wife didn't want to take our young daughter into the airport, so I parked the car and leaned into the backseat, kissing Noelle on the cheek. She'd passed out on the ride over.

"I love you, little princess," I smiled. "I'll see you soon."

Juli shook her head and opened the car door, leaving me alone with my daughter. Already, my wife was bawling her eyes out, but there wasn't much I could do to prevent that. I sighed and popped the trunk, pulling myself from the seat. Walking over to Jules, I saw her wipe some of the tears from her cheek and look off into the distance.

"Don't get into any trouble out there, okay?" She sniffed. "I don't want to read any stories about you hooking up with some girl or getting alcohol poisoning."

"Have I ever cheated on you, or pushed myself past my limits?" I furrowed my brows, trying to understand where these new fears were coming from. "Baby, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Alex. I just know how you get when you're upset and all this stuff with Stell.. It just makes me nervous."

"Well, don't be," I wrapped my arms around her small frame. She cried into my chest, leaving tear stains on my shirt. "You're my number one gal, always have been, always will be. I'm going to spend this entire tour missing you and wishing you were in my arms."

"I know," she tried to breathe. "I just love you so much, Alex. It never gets any easier when you leave. If anything, it gets harder."

"It feels the same way to me. I come home to find out the kids have learned something new or they've hit another millstone.. But we both have to stay strong."

"I love you, Alex. Please be careful and call every night."

"I will, Jules. I love you more."

Holding her chin with my finger, I pressed my lips to her in a longing way. She kissed back with passion, leaving us both breathless and say when I had to pull away. She watched me, her eyes big and her mouth frowning as I walked to the back of the car and took my bags. Closing the truck, I have her the best smile I could manage and walked away without another word.

Stepping into the airport, I let a single tear slip from my eye. Each time I left, a bigger piece of me got left behind.

Notes