Waking up this morning felt wrong, in a sense. I was in Alex’s arms like I had been when we fell asleep last night. He was awake first today and he looked completely drained like he didn’t sleep at all last night. I felt so guilty for causing him to be this way. I never wanted to hurt him like this, but my god damned mind was tearing me apart. I felt so different. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was not the Bonnie I knew I was, and I was changing Alex into a shadow of himself. I don’t even know what’s happening to Nyssa either. I barely remember yesterday, or was it two days ago when she was trying to pull me out of the depths of my mind where I had fallen.
I was with Nyssa in the venue, in a separate dressing room for everyone else since Nyssa wanted to have me to herself for a little bit. Even on my new medications, I felt like my world was spiraling into a black abyss of despair. I wanted to stop it all. I couldn’t take any more of this pain and fear that stacked up on me. Being on this tour with Alex, my boyfriend of a few weeks, was supposed to fun and easy. It’s only become painful and hard. What’s worse is I know Alex’s anxiety is getting at him. I know he’s on the edge like I am. He’s my rock and he promised to be here for me and help me fight back my monsters that lurk in the dark corners of my mind, but I fear his demons will find him and drag him down first.
“Bonnie, are you alright,” Josh asked, pulling me out of my depressing thoughts. I guess he, Matt, Vic, and the rest of Pierce had joined us in our dressing room while Alex and Jack were with Rian, Zack, Matt, and the rest of the crew in their dressing room.
“Not really. It’s taking time to get myself adjusted to my medications. I’ll be out of it for a while,” I answered simply.
“We’re all here for both you and Nyssa, even Alex too. We know that you are all suffering. You three are our friends and we’ll help you through this,” Vic pulled me into a warm hug, like the ones my brothers used to give me back when I first found out about my anxiety.
“Thanks. I need to go use the bathroom. Excuse me,” I got up and nearly ran to the nearest bathroom and locked myself in.
That’s when I reached into my pocket and pulled out the pair of scissors I found on the bus earlier today.
♪Alex♪
I’m on the edge of falling down into my pit of demons due to the stress I’ve put myself through with Bonnie. I’m scared that I’ll fall in and I can’t back out. I’m afraid to break. I’m afraid to lose Bonnie to my demons deep in my own mind. The ones that tell me I’m not going to make it with the band. That my music is terrible; that I’m worthless; that I’ll become irrelevant and be forgotten easily. That Bonnie will leave me because I’m nothing.
“Alex, snap out of it,” Jack was waving his hand in front of my face, getting my attention.
“What happened,” I asked.
“You spaced out for twenty minutes. You never space out for that long. Are having trouble with your anxiety,” Rian asked.
“I guess I am slipping aren’t I,” I pointed out, “Can you guys please help me focus? I need to be strong for Bonnie, and I can’t do that alone it seems. My mind is falling apart like hers.”
“Alex,” I heard Nyssa call from the hallway.
“Nyssa, what’s the matter,” Jack asked.
“Bonnie’s been in the bathroom for twenty minutes. The door’s locked and sh-she won’t answer any of us,” Nyssa was trying not to cry.
“I can try to get her to open the door. Rian, can you go find Matt and then someone that works the venue that might have a key to open the bathroom doors,” I went with Jack and Nyssa to the bathroom they knew Bonnie went into.
“Bonnie, it’s me. Can you open the door,” I asked her as I knocked.
“Are you alone,” she asked, her voice muffled by the door and cracking since she must have been crying in there.
“I have Nyssa and Jack with me. Do you want me to be alone with you,” I asked her.
“Yes,” she replied.
“You guys go and hang with Vic, Josh, and the others. I think I can handle this,” Jack hesitated, but Nyssa took hold of his hand and led him away.
“Did they leave,” Bonnie asked.
“Yeah, they left. Can you open the door,” I asked her.
When she opened the door, my jaw dropped and I saw the blood on the floor, the scissors broken into two pieces, and her arm littered with shallow cuts that were still allowing blood to flow from them.
♪Bonnie♪
I had resisted for years to not let a blade run against my skin. But that was when I had my older brothers to lean on. Alex was getting weaker as I tried to get stronger. I couldn’t hold on anymore. I had to feel the blade tear at my skin. I needed the release. I felt a high as I watched my blood flow out of the small, shallow cuts. I kept going, counting out ten cuts before Alex came to the door.
The look on his face was of pure pain. He was in agony for me. He would never want me to do this. But I did and nothing can change that now.
“The urges took over. I am so sorry,” I sobbed as I began to cry again.
“Bonnie, you should never have to resort to this. You are too beautiful to do this to yourself. Promise me never to do it again,” Alex took hold of my shoulders, but not forcefully in angry. Instead he was comforting, soothing. He was talking softly to me, love in his voice. His tears were building up as mine fell down my cheeks.
“I’ll try, but it will take time for me to heal. I promise to be as strong as I can. I promise to get stronger. I promise to get stronger for you, Alex. I love you so much,” I brought up my right hand that was caked in my dried blood, and wiped away the tears that fell onto his cheeks.
“I promise you that I will not let myself fall. I will be strong for you, Bonnie. I won’t let my demons drag me down into my abyss. I will help you defeat your monsters that hide in the dark corners of your mind. We have a lot to talk about to shed light on what’s plaguing us. But we’ll do it together,” he wiped my tears away and kissed my forehead.
“I’m not going to a therapist,” I protested.
“I didn’t say we were going to a therapist, Bonnie. We’re going to have Jack and Nyssa with us to encourage us to open up to each other and talk about what scares us most in the dark places of our minds. And we’ll always hug and hold each other as we let it out. It won’t be cold and distant like talking to a stranger. We’ll be talking with friends and just express what’s on our mind. Okay,” he explained.
“I think I can try that. But I want to wait until my body has adjusted to my new medications first,” I replied.
“Thank you Bonnie. Now let’s go clean and patch up your arm, okay,” Alex smiled weakly to me and I returned his smile.
Hopefully, we can actually smile like we used to; with genuine meaning behind it and light in our eyes.