We'll Let The Fires Just Bathe Us

I’d lain in bed all day, unmoving. My stomach ached with hunger but I didn’t do anything about it. I just lay there with my eyes closed, trying to get as much sleep as possible because every second I was able to spend away from the physical pain in my gut was bliss. I heard my door open but it was too forceful to be Eliza. My eyes remained closed because I knew it was Jack.

“You need to come eat.” He said in a tough voice.

I didn’t react, I just relaxed into the mattress more.

“Alex don’t make me drag you down those stairs.” He threatened but I felt like it’d already happened. I was just so tired, I felt like sleeping for years.

He made a noise of annoyance and snatched the scruff of my neck, dragging me out and onto the floor. It hurt, but I didn’t fight. I was limp in his hand.

“Lex.” He said in a slightly softer tone but I didn’t do anything, I just hung there with half lidded eyes.

Jack sighed and picked me up.

“You know this is the second time I’ve done this.” He remarked.

Any other time, I probably would’ve replied with something like, “Yeah and both times were your fault.”

But I didn’t. I lay limp with my head resting against his chest, numb to everything the second he entered the room.

He gently placed me on the couch and left for a few minutes, returning with a sandwich. On it was ham, mustard

and lettuce.

At this, I glanced up at him. He’d remembered. He casually gazed up at the tv which was playing a football game but I could tell he was attentive to my actions. About halfway through the sandwich I could feel my energy returning to me. I reached over to the coffee table and took the water bottle which he’d also brought and sent it all down at once.

Jack looked like he was having a mental war with himself. His hands were wringing and his brow was furrowed as his gaze shifted from left to right. Finally he sighed and looked over at me.

“Alex I- I know you want an explanation, and you deserve one, but I can’t give it to you. I have one yes, but you can’t know.” He explained.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, standing up and making my way back over to the stairs. I just wanted to sleep.

“But Alex.”

I pressed my lips together before looking at him.

“I need you to hate me.”

I let out a laugh.

“I’m serious. You have to hate me.” He almost sounded like he was begging me.
“Fuck you.” I spat, “Fuck you, god...How dare you? You're asking me to hate you? Do you know what you did to me?”

I turned to face him.

“You bought me, you beat me, you allowed me to be sent to the first quarter, you raped my virginity away,” I gasped, “Do you understand how rare it is for a slave to be a virgin? And you took that away from me! You took me to a party where you beat me again before going at it once more the very same day, you gave me a hand job and made me finally feel somewhat safe with you, you told me you would protect me, and you helped me through my transition, but then you told me that all the pain and misery I’ve experienced makes you happy, you took me to Tony’s where you both beat the shit out of me, you raped me again, you took me to California and in my opinion, we had an amazing time and once more, you told me I’d be safe with you. Then you hosted a party where, surprise! You beat me. Then we had an amazing snow day and I felt like I was seeing the real you, the fun-loving, hilarious person I know you are, before you hurt me again and called me awful things, things I believed. Then you come into my room and give me a blowjob making me forgive you because that was a gesture and I knew it, then you go off on me, telling me how worthless and insignificant I am. You want me to hate you and I do, because what kind of person does all that to someone? But you know who I hate more? Me. Because I let it happen. I let myself trust you. I let myself trust that gentle, kind man and then you go and blow up every single time. I honestly don’t know what to do because you’re always pulling me every which way!” I ended.

I didn’t know tears were trickling down my cheeks until I’d stopped talking. I took a shuddered breath and looked up as I turned away.

“A-Alex I didn’t mean.” He started but I cut him off.
“Save it. I may care about you, but god I hate you.”

My breath hitched.

I said it.

I told him the thing I’d been feeling for weeks.

I told him the thing that would probably wind up getting me killed.

And for what?

The king of Hell.

The man who was in charge of everyone who ever caused me pain.

Pathetic right?

“You care about me.” His voice struck a chord with me but I couldn’t quite place it.

I faced him. He looked shocked and like he didn’t know what to do with himself. I felt my anger and defiance draining away, the need to curl up in a ball and sleep returned. He didn’t look angry like I expected, just horribly sad. Like I’d just broken his heart.

“Yeah.” I whispered in shame, looking down at my hands.

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Well you mean nothing to me.” He spat.

Why would I?

Stop it Alex, don’t think like that. Don’t let him make you think negatively about yourself.

“I know.” I murmured, as if I were speaking to the floor.

I then turned away and walked back upstairs quietly.

Notes

Title cred: Stella - All Time Low

It's not gonna be sad forever I promise happy times are coming okay bb