Your Mess Is Mine

10 YEARS AGO

The crash came in flashes: Laughing and singing with John. The sudden blinding semi headlights. Blaring horn. Crushing metal. Glass shattering. Slamming into the grass. Blackness.

When I came to, there was an erie silence on the road. I gathered my strength to call out to John, but spewed out a bloody cough instead. Unable to move, I continued to will every fiber of my being to yell out to him until the paramedics arrived, placing an oxygen mask over my mouth.

I woke up hours later disoriented attached to countless buzzing and beeping machines with my arm in a sling. My parents sprang to my side, “Annabelle?... Annabelle honey?.... You’re in the hospital.”

“Where’s John?” I whispered.

“He’s here too,” my mom took my hand, “You were in an accident honey...”

“I know,” I began to sit up, “I want to see John.”

My dad stopped me, “Whoa, whoa, you can’t go anywhere yet kiddo.”

I looked between them, angry and confused, “Where is he? What happened to him?” The tears began to well.

My mom looked to my dad. He took a second to find the right words, “He was pretty badly hurt. We’re waiting for him to wake up.”

“He’s going to be okay... Right?”

My mom patted my arm, “Of course honey. Just try to rest.”

Over the next several weeks we seemed to have the same conversation every morning: I would ask about John but the answer would never change - he was okay for now but I couldn’t see him. My pleading grew more desperate by the day, but they felt the need to protect me and I couldn’t blame them after everything they were going through.

After the better part of my injures were repaired, I was finally allowed to go home. I did my best to maneuver my way into my bed with my casted arm as my mom propped me up with a few pillows and hesitantly left me alone for the first time since I’d woken up in the hospital.

My eyes gravitated to the pile of belongings I had intended on bringing to school with me. John and I had both been accepted to colleges in Los Angeles and were planning on moving together in a few weeks time- something that seemed so uncertain now. Hot, angry tears rolled down my face as I launched a pillow across my room. I needed to see him or I would go crazy.

Days later there was a knock on my door. “Come in,” I called from my closet. I had been working hanging clothes up from the pile back in its place seeing as how I wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon.

“Don’t do too much honey. You’re still healing,” my mom, followed by my dad, entered.

I panicked seeing both of them, “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” My dad calmed me. “We did want to talk to you. Have a seat,” He gestured to the bed. I hesitantly sat. “Your mother and I have been looking into your housing situation now that you may be... heading out before John. We’ve signed you up for a single dorm...”

“Wait, what?” I cut him off. “I’m not going without John...”

“I know you’ve been through a lot, but it’s your future sweetie,” my mom chimed in.

“I haven’t even been allowed to see him!” I stood up. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not even talking about this. As long as John stays, I stay.” I began working at the pile again.

My mom touched me on the shoulder, “We just want what’s best for you Annie.”

“Don’t do too much unpacking,” my father commented as they both walked out.

That night I laid awake in bed, furious. I toss and turned, but sleep wasn’t much of an option. In a rash decision, I threw my covers off and hurried downstairs. I reached for my car keys, but quickly realized I didn’t have a car anymore and snatched my parents’.

I took a deep breathe, I hadn’t been behind the wheel since before the accident. I gathered myself and headed off into the night.

I hesitantly walked through the sliding doors of the ICU but knew I had to keep moving if I didn’t want to be stopped. I whipped my head looking from door sign to door sign until my eyes eventually landed on “O’Callaghan”. I stopped, unsure I still wanted to enter. I inched forward, peering around the corner, the beeping of the heart monitor growing clearer until I had a full view of John. I gasped, the tears immediately streaming. He was in shambles - bruised and battered, limbs in casts. I stumbled back towards the door, when I felt a hand on my lower back, “That’s why we didn’t want you to see him.” I spun around to see Mrs.O’Callaghan. She stroked my hair, “I knew you’d come anyway. Take a seat sweetie,” she pulled up a chair. “What have they told you?”

“Just that we don’t know when he’ll wake up... My parents want me to go to California without him.”

“You should.”

“...What”

“It’s not just that we don’t know when he’ll wake up, but what he’s going to be like if he does.”

“What do you mean...”

“Well if we’re lucky enough for him to wake up, we don’t know what he’ll remember or what he’ll have to relearn... Or if he’ll be lucid. He had serious head trauma.”

Overwhelmed by the news, I began to sob. Mrs. O’Callaghan wrapped me in her arms, “I’m not telling you this to upset you. You just deserve to know what’s going on... And to make the best choices for yourself.”

I sat up, composing myself as much as I could. She continued, “I know you love John and he loves you so very much, but this is out of both of your control... He would want you to go.” I looked at her, knowing she was right.

I stood and hesitantly took his hand.

“Go ahead you’re not going to hurt him.”

I place a kiss on his cheek, letting my face linger by his. I slowly wrapped by arm around his waist and remembered what it was like lying next to him. Mrs. O’Callaghan walked out, leaving us alone. I inched my way into the bed next to him and quietly let my tears fall onto his chest.

Two weeks later I loaded my bags into my parents car and left for the airport.

ONE YEAR LATER

I nursed a drink at the bar of a popular Hollywood club after being drug out by my free spirited roommate, Celeste and her wild friends.

Celeste came stumbling out of the crowd and grabbed my hand, “Stop being such a stick in the mud!”

I resisted against her, “No really, I’m good here.”

She yanked me out of my seat, “Come the fuck on Annabelle!” We shoved our way to the front of the crowd as a punk-ish looking band took the stage. The crowd was into it and began jumping and gyrating to the music. I tried to enjoy myself but I could only take so much of the pounding music and sweaty bodies before I retreated to the outside patio.

I lit a cigarette and slid down against the wall.

“Got a light?” asked the voice behind me.

I turned to see his big brown eyes and flamboyant hair. “Yeah,” I passed it to him.

“Thanks,” he lit his cigarette and passed it back to me. “Jack,” he offered his hand.

I studied him and then took it, “Annabelle.”

“Are you here for a band?” He sat next to me.

I shook my head, “No... Are you?” I took a drag, uninterested in what he had to say.

“Not really. My band played earlier.”

“Well, sorry I missed it.”

“It’s okay, we’re not very good.”

I turned and looked at him, “Were you hoping I’d be a fan?”

“What? No, I was just making conversation.”

My eyes bore into him, not believing his story.

“Honestly...” he held my glare, “I just wanted to talk to you... I don’t care if you like my music.”

My expression softened, “I believe you.”

“So what are you doing here anyway?”

I smiled, “What, I don’t strike you as a wild drug addict?”

He chuckled, “No, not really.”

“Well my roommate thinks I’m boring so for some crazy reason I agreed to come with her.”

“I bet your roommate is wrong.”

I shook my head and laughed, “No, I’m boring.”

“So don’t be.”

I side eyed him, “It’s not that easy.”

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Oh, uh... I think I’m busy.”

He stared me down, “I thought you wanted to change.”

I slowly nodded, coming to grips with what this would all mean, “...ok...sure”

Getting to know Jack was easy. He had a unique perspective on life and was excited to share with me everything I had been missing while I’d been locked away from the world. Before we even realized it, seven years had gone by and we were still together. We had a beautiful home, amazing careers, and eventually, a son.

Finn came into our lives at a time we weren’t expecting him, but once he did nothing else seemed to matter other than our tiny, perfect human and perfect little family. Our world was so very complete in ways we could have never fathomed... Until it fell apart.

Notes