Your Mess Is Mine

“O’ Callaghan, I know you’re in there!” I pounded on John’s front door. “Your car is in the driveway!” I backed up into his yard to get a good view on his window. “John!” I was reaching down for a rock when he came bounding around the side of the house.

“Jesus, I was in the garage. What?”

I composed myself, “I just wanted to talk to you.”

He threw his arms up, “Well, here I am.”

I noticed the fishing pole in his hand and a few bags next to his car. “Are you busy...”

“I was heading to the lake.”

“Oh,” I smiled realizing how much time had passed since I had last been there, then hesitantly asked, “...can I come with you.”

John thought it over and then sighed, “Fine, get in the car.”

We road in silence through the rural backroads roads of Grayson with the windows down and sun pouring in. For a moment it felt like we were still sixteen and nothing had changed - we had never been plowed off the road by a drunk truck driver, I had never lost my son. I wasn’t lost. I felt light.

John’s vintage black Chevy pulled off onto the gravel road leading down to the water. During the summer the wide, still lake would be crawling with kids, but school was in session and we were alone.

John pulled this tackle box out of the back and I took a seat on the trunk.

“What did you want to talk about?” he asked, setting up his reel.

“Just, um.. About what happened the other night.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he took off toward the water, “You made it pretty obvious it didn’t mean anything to you.”
I hopped off the car and chased after him, “Of course it did! I just didn’t know what to say to you...”

“So you didn’t say anything? You’ve been avoiding me for days,” he stopped at the water and turned to look at me. “It’s okay. We’re adults. I can handle you not caring anymore.”

“Don’t be stupid John.”

“Please, tell me what I’m being stupid about.”

“I never stopped caring about you! I could never make myself! I tried getting in contact with you for years! I called, I texted, I emailed, I even went to one of your shows! So I think you can handle a few days of silence from me while I figure out what the FUCK is going on with my life.”

“I didn’t know...”

“Know what?”

“That you went to my show... Why?”

“I just wanted to see you. Make sure I wasn’t making a mistake... And then we had Finn... And everything changed.”

“I never stopped caring about you either.”

I just looked at him, at a loss for words.

He laughed to himself, “You can do whatever you want to me, Annabelle White. Nothing will change the fact that I never fell out of love with you.”

My eyes began to water. I turned away to gather myself when he placed a kiss of my cheek. I instinctually turned into him, allowing our impatient mouths to meet. He dropped the rod and scooped me up around his waist, backing me into a tree. His hand slowly slid past the hem of my dress, up the back of leg, and tugged down my panties, savoring the curves of my hips and thighs as he traced his way to the sweetest spot. I threw my head back into the bark of the tree, giving into his delicate strokes. He kissed up the center of my neck, licking up my jawline, landing on my ear. “We can’t do this again,” I whispered into him, nearly breathless, but any doubt was muffled out by the next moan I let escape me, giving into him once and for all.

Once we’d gathered ourselves and swept the sweat from our brow, I took a seat next to John as he cast his line out into the lake. I broke the silence, “We have to start having conversations with our clothes on.”

“But isn’t it so much better when they’re not?” he countered

I laughed, not able to argue, but continued, “Really John, what’s going on?”

“Well, I think that’s something you need to answer for yourself.”

“I don’t need one of your spiritual bullshit answers.”

“You need to make peace with yourself and your life. You don’t need labels and categories and all that bullshit. Figure out what makes you happy, whether thats me or Jack, someone else, or just being alone. It’s your life Annabelle. You can do anything you want.”

I sighed, knowing he was right, but not wanting to admit it.

“I just want you to be happy again.”

I half-heartdely smiled at him, “Me too.”

Later that afternoon, John’s car came to a halt in front of my house. I placed a kiss on his cheek before making my way up the sidewalk, reflecting on everything that had just transpired. I swung open my front open, shocked to be met with Jack’s disdainful face. “Why were you with him?”

“What? How is that any of your business?” I turned the corner, storming up the stairs.

Jack followed me, “Just answer the question, Annabelle.” I attempted to slam the door in his face, but he stopped me, entering my bedroom behind me. “Are you fucking him?”

“No I’m not fucking him, Jack,” I turned, staring him down, “And so what if I was? What if made me happy? Would you tell me to stop?”

He softened, shaking his head “No... Not if you were happy.”

I stopped, shocked by his honestly and selflessness, “Really?...”

“Really. That’s what you don’t get. I care about you more than I care about myself... I always have.”

“Mmm, so that’s why you took off after the funeral?” I began to furiously change my dirt stained clothes.

“Come on Annabelle, don’t do this again.” He followed me around the room.

“Don’t do what Jack?! Remind you that our entire relationship is permanently fucked because of you?!”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“It does and it is! Don’t forget why we’re all stuck here in Grayson, in this tiny hell... You should have just left me in the car. It would have been so much easier than this.”

“Don’t you dare say that. Not after everything we’ve been through.”

“After everything I’ve been through.” I pulled a sweatshirt over my head and made my way for the bed. “Please get out.”

Jack solemnly made his way for the door, closing it behind him.

I laid on the top of my sheets, staring up at my stars, thinking about everything John had said. I was here to start over- what would really make me happy? Happiness felt so distant these days. I was lost at sea alone, unsure I would ever make it back to shore. I drifted off...

My phone continuously vibrated, eventually shaking me from my sleep. By the time I finally retrieved it from the bedside table, the screen displayed a voicemail notification. I played it back, met with the voice of my sister: “Hey, It’s Lucy, Um... Mom and Dad told me not to say anything to you, but I feel like I should... I saw John... I was out and I ran into him... And he seems really good. He said something about moving to New York and anyway... I just wanted you to know he was okay. I love you Annie... I’ll talk to you later.”

I looked down at my phone, contemplated it, and then deleted the message. I settled back into Jack’s arms, his hand landing on my growing belly. I placed my hand on top of his, equally scared and excited for what the future held for us.

Notes