Your Mess Is Mine

The next morning I swung my bedroom door open when a piece of paper fluttered to my feet. I picked it up: “Please talk to me” with an address scrawled on it in Jack’s handwriting. I tossed it aside and headed downstairs.

My family sat around the kitchen table, falling silent as soon as I entered. I grabbed a cup from the cupboard and poured some coffee. “Good morning, sweetie,” my father broke the silence, “Can I make you something?”

I shook my head and sat down, “I’m fine, thanks.”

“I was going to take Aidan and Charlotte to the park after breakfast, if you want to come,” Lucy asked.

“I’d love that, thanks, “ I smiled.

My mom spoke up, “Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do? Have you told the label anything?... You’re of course welcome to stay here as long as you want. I love having my girls back,” She smiled.

“I have no idea. I’m so...disinterested in musicians now,” I gave a half-hearted smile.

My father broke the tension, “Jenny stopped by earlier, she invited us all to dinner,” he looked to me, “Only if you’re feeling up to it.”

I nodded, “Sure.”

Later, Lucy and I watched the kids play from a nearby park bench. They ran screaming and laughing as Aidan chased Charlotte around the play set. “How have you been,” I asked her.

“Oh I’m fine,” she dismissed me.

“No really, talk to me,” I nudged her.

She smiled wistfully, “He wants us to come back home.”

“Are you going to?”

“Maybe.” There was a long silence before she spoke again. “He’s my husband, maybe he deserves a second chance.” She looked at me, “Maybe Jack does too.”

“That’s different.”

“No, I don’t think it is... Sometimes people fuck up and you just have to forgive them. You love someone and you put them up on a pedestal, but they’re just human. You forget that.”

“Well I’m glad you have such an enlightened view on things.”

“Just think about it.”

“That’s all I do. I can’t stop thinking about it.” I wiped a tear away, “I just...need some quiet. I need to shut it off.”

She took my hand, holding it as we watched Aidan and Charlotte play.

After we arrived back home, I shuffled my way into my room, noticing something crunch under my muddy tennis shoe. I looked down to see the shred of paper Jack had left at my door. I picked it up, smoothing it out.

Seconds later I came bounding down the stairs as Lucy situated the kids in front of the TV. “Can I borrow the car?”

She looked up startled, “Yeah sure.”

I snatched the keys from her purse and was out the door before she could ask where I was going.

The car rolled to a stop as I stared up at the hotel, feeling myself start to change my mind. I shifted to park and got out before I could back out. I stormed my way down the hall, with no idea what to say to Jack or even any idea of what I wanted to hear him say. I sighed as I approached the door and knocked. Jack almost immediately swung it open looking weary and perhaps a little hungover. I studied his sleep deprived face, “He looked like you. He had your eyes.”

He opened the door wider, letting me walk past him, “I’m surprised you’re here.”

I took a seat on the end of the bed, “Me too.”

He rubbed his face as he took a seat next to me. “I’m so happy you are though.”

We sat in silence for a long moment before he spoke, “I know I can’t keep apologizing and expecting anything to change... Please just tell me what to do to make this better.”

I slowly shook my head, “I don’t know what to tell you, Jack... Things can never go back to the way they were. Nothing’s going to change that.”

“I know I grieved differently than you but...”

I turned to look at him, cutting him off, “You didn’t grieve, you ran. Our son died and you ran away.” I began to break down. “Do you know what it was like to be alone in that house? Alone in our bed? I couldn’t even walk down the hall without losing my mind.... And the pictures people were sending me... Of you in London or France or wherever the fuck it was you were that day... For you, nothing had happened. You got as far as away from me as you could. “

“After it happened...”

“Say it.” He looked at me, confused. “Say the words.”

“After Finn died I didn’t know what to do... How to fix it... I just wanted to fill that hole as quickly as I could and make everything go back to normal... I’m so sorry for leaving you. I know I could have canceled the tour...”

I shot up off the bed, bolting for the door. He chased after me, “Please give me a chance to fix this!”

I swung the door open, “I’m sorry, I just don’t think I can stand looking at you right now.”

“Come on, Annie, please.”

I slammed the door behind me.

Notes