Bethany's Outfit
“Hurry upppp!” Alex whined from my bed, as I was applying lip gloss in the mirror of my bathroom, with the door open.
“Shut up! I'm almost done!” I yelled back at him.
“You look perfect, now come on!” Alex continued, rolling onto his back and hanging his head off the side of the bed to look at me upside down.
“Perfect is quite a strong word, Alex.” I rubbed my lips together.
“Well, I have a very strong opinion.” He retaliated, raising an eyebrow.
I ignored him, and straightened out my shirt one last time, before turning to walk out of the bathroom.
“Yes! Finally, oh my God!!” He yelled dramatically, lifting himself up off of the bed.
“Oh, fuck off!” I flipped him off as I leaned over to pick up my bag.
He chuckled, and followed me downstairs.
My mom had work in the morning today, so she wasn't here. Apparently, she goes into work early on Mondays, now. I wouldn't know, since I haven't spoken to her since last week, when she was drinking. She hasn't bothered to try to speak to me, either.
It kinda hurts…it hurts a lot actually, but I should be used to the pain by now. Everything in my life seems to be full of pain, so I may as well be immune to it, or something.
I sighed at the thought, as we exited the house and walked to my car.
“Hey, I don't know what you're thinking about, but stop thinking about it.” Alex interrupted my thoughts.
I just groaned in response, as I unlocked the doors to the car, and got in.
“What's bothering you?” He gave me a concerned look.
“It's nothing.” I sighed, wanting to avoid the subject of my mother at all costs.
“It isn't nothing. I know you're upset, so tell me why.”
“It doesn't matter, Alex.” I groaned in annoyance.
“It does matter.” He reached over and placed his hand on mine.
I felt my cheeks instantly heat up, and my hand felt all warm and tingly from his hand being there. I really didn't want him to move it, but I didn't want him knowing the way that it was making me feel, either.
I quickly pulled my hand away from his, and began backing out of the driveway.
“Alex, please just let this one go, okay?” I begged him to drop the subject.
He just sighed, and laid back against his seat.
“If you say so.” He shrugged.
I turned the radio on, to play whatever CD was in there.
I smiled, when I heard the tune of Dirty Little Secret by The All-American Rejects, blast through the speakers.
I bobbed my head a little to the beat as I drove, and I glanced over at Alex to see him tapping his fingers to it, along the door frame.

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

I heard Alex start singing the next verse, with his beautiful voice.

“Tell me all that you've thrown away, find out games you don't wanna play..”
I joined in with him.
“You are the only one that needs to know! I’LL KEEP YOU, MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET!”
Dirty little secret
“DON’T TELL ANYONE, OR YOU’LL BE JUST ANOTHER REGRET!”
Just another regret
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
“WHO HAS TO KNOW?!”

We continued belching the song at the top of our lungs, until we arrived at school, and sadly had to turn off the CD.
“Well! Welcome to Hell!” I rolled my eyes at the sight of the building.
“Hey, school isn't that bad.” Alex smirked.
“Said no teenager, ever.” I smirked sarcastically at him.
“Come on, Beth. Today will be a good day, alright?” He nudged me in the arm.
I just stuck my tongue out at him, and got out of the car.
Maybe my morning was being made a little better by Alex being there, but I could already tell that it was going to be a bad day. It usually is, so I don't see why today would be any different.
Then, I suddenly felt two arms wrap around me from behind, and then I was lifted off of the ground, and swung over his shoulder; firefighter style.
I kicked my legs and screamed, as I was spun around in circles.
“ALEX! FUCKING PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!”
“NO! NOT UNTIL YOU STOP BEING SAD!” He yelled back, and continued to spin in circles, causing strange looks from other people getting out of their cars.
“OKAY OKAY, FINE!”
He stopped spinning, but still didn't put me down.
Curse me for being short.
“You promise you'll cheer up?”
“I can't promise you that, Alex.”
“Well, you could at least smile a little.”
“I don't see how smiling helps.”
“Well, it does, if it's a real one.”
“I don't know what you're getting at, here.” I sighed, rolling my eyes.
“Think of something that makes you smile.” He placed me back down on the ground, so I could face him.
He had the most hopeful eyes, and I could tell that he was really trying to cheer me up.
A for effort, Alex.
I felt my cheeks heating up, as a small smile grew on my face.
“I guess that you do.” I said, poking him in the stomach.
“Then the next time you're sad, think of me.”
He had that goofy grin on his face, that I loved so much. There's so many parts of Alex that make me smile. So I guess this won't be so hard to do.
We started walking into the building, and up the stairs to get to the third floor, where our classes were.
When we got to the locker bays, I felt my ponytail swinging from side to side.
“Um..why are you touching my hair?” I giggled, shooting him a fake glare.
“I love it when you wear it up. It's like the purple just cascades down into this waterfall of pink!” He said with awe, as he hit my ponytail from side to side with his hands.
“You're such a child.” I rolled my eyes.
“I'm six, shut up.”
I laughed at that, causing a huge smile to grow on his face.
“See? You're doing it!” He cheered, enthusiastically.
“Look, Peter! I'm flying!!” I laughed.
“And you say you hate Peter Pan.” He smirked, crossing his arms.
“I do.” I raised my brows at him, matter-of-factly; crossing my own arms.
“Oh really?”
“Yep. My mood is just getting worse and worse the more I think about it.”
“Think lovely thoughts!” He winked, tapping my nose with his finger, and walking away; leaving me with his stupid Peter Pan quote.
I watched him as he walked to his class, with a stupid smile plastered on my face.
I've had these weird feelings lately, towards Alex. He makes me kinda nervous, even though I've known him since I was little. The smallest of touches make my skin tingle. It makes me sad when I can't hear his voice. Everything has at least gotten a little better, now that he's around.
But then, I felt everything slowly getting so much worse, when I turned around; only to become face to face with the one and only: Ashlynn Wilson!
Yay! Shoot me.
She had an angry look on her face, and I wanted to be invisible and run away; expecting my life to end right then and there.
“Um…what in the hell was that??” She snarled, with her arms crossed.
“What was wha-“
“Shut it.” She cut me off, and continued talking.
“Listen, bitch. There's no need to get your hopes up with all of your little stupid feelings towards Alex. He's mine, alright? You obviously wouldn't stand a chance with him. So keep your feelings to yourself, and dream big, okay?” She gave me a fake smile, with evil, narrowed eyes.
I didn't like the way she was talking to me. Hell, I never liked the way that she spoke to me. But this was my best friend she was talking about. She's acting as if she owns him!
“He's yours?? He doesn't belong to you..” I started, before I was cut off once again.
“Then who does he belong to? You?? Maybe he isn't mine yet, but he sure as hell will be, you just wait and see. I know that you want him, Brittany. I can see it in your eyes. You wish that you could be with him, and kiss him…maybe even fuck him. Right?” She spat out in my face, as she stepped even closer to me.
I just stayed silent, with a pained look on my face.
Maybe I do want those things.
Maybe she's right.
Her words were getting to me, and it was only making me more and more upset. And she only continued to speak, making everything worse.
“Well, that's just too goddamn bad, ain't it? You can fantasize about it all you want, but you learn something in life, Brittany…” She placed a hand on my shoulder.
“You don't always get what you want. I mean, it would take a miracle to get a guy like that to want you! You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You're worthless. You're a fucking waste of space. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm still talking to you; you're honestly just a waste of breath, and a waste of my goddamn time!”
I don't know why, either.
Please leave. Please leave. Please leave.
I could feel my eyes starting to tear up, as she spat out those hurtful things to me. I was on the verge of breaking down, right in front of her.
“Wh-what do you w-want, A-Ashlynn?” I asked with a shaky voice, trying to keep myself together.
“I want you to keep your filthy hands off of Alex, you fucking ugly whore.”
And right after she said that, the bell rang, signaling that we had ten minutes before class starts for the day.
“Have a nice day, skank!” She stretched her lips into a smile, and gave me a little bitchy wave before turning around and walking in the other direction.
I was trembling like crazy, and I slowly walked to my class; planning on having my head down the whole time.

My first two classes went by awfully. Just as I predicted earlier, it’s definitely a horrible day. I tried to think of Alex, but whenever I thought about him, Ashlynn’s words rang through my head.
About how I'm not worth his, or anybody’s time.
I know that to the rest of the world, I am worthless. Trust me, I do.
But now I realize that I'm not good enough for Alex, either.
She's right, he's way too good for me. Heck, I don't even deserve his friendship. I probably annoy him to death. He probably notices that nothing about me is attractive, or simply beautiful. I'm an awful person. I'm a burden to him. He shouldn't have to worry about me, anymore.
During lunch, I stayed inside of a classroom, and just kept my head down the whole time. I couldn't possibly eat anything.
In my next two classes, I felt Alex’s eyes burning into my skull with questions of confusion, but I didn't dare look his way.
I'd only be bothering him. He's better off without me.
After school, the car ride was silent; he sensed that I obviously didn't want to talk, but I know that it was taking everything in him not to ask me what was wrong.
When I got home, I knew he'd just disappear from the car, so I got out and went to unlock the door to my house.
Right when I was about to open the door, I felt my hand get pulled back.
I turned around, to be pulled into a long, warm, much needed hug from Alex.
I accepted the hug, slowly wrapping my arms around his torso.
His hugs did wonders; for a second, I actually felt as if everything was alright.
But then I remembered that nothing was alright. Absolutely nothing.
My hands started shaking, and my breath started picking up.
I was desperately trying to calm down, and Alex hugged me even tighter, as if to encourage me to even out my breathing.
But it wasn't working. Not after what happened today. For the first time, it was only making things worse.
I quickly de-tangled myself from his arms, and turned around to open the door.
I looked back at him, to see him standing there with a hurt look on his face.
“Just..don't come in, Alex, please! I mean it.” I begged him, my eyes filling up with tears.
“Can I trust you not to do what I think you might do?” He asked, with a small, hoarse voice. As if his throat was dry.
“Alex..”
“Because you could just talk to me instead of-“
“Fuck off.”
“W-what?”
“Fuck off, just this once, Lex. I'm sorry.”
And with that, I walked into my house and slammed the door shut.
I felt absolutely awful for just shutting him out like that, and for being so harsh.
Like I said, he deserves better than me.
A much better best friend. Better yet, Ashlynn is probably fucking perfect for him. She's perfect for anyone, really.
I wish I knew what it was like to be perfect. To be someone like Ashlynn Wilson. To not be a pathetic loser, like I am.
I was hyperventilating at this point, and I collapsed and broke down on the floor. I didn't need Alex here to see me this way. Heck, I don’t know if he'll ever want to see me ever again. And I guess that's what I deserved.
I eventually got up off the floor, and went upstairs in a fit of tears.
I locked myself into my bathroom, and instantly found my blade.
I unbuttoned my shirt and took it off, not wanting to get any blood on it.
It was as if Ashlynn spoke every awful thing I thought about myself, into existence. It was more like a double reality check. It sucked enough to constantly feel this way about myself all the time, it felt even worse to know that other people felt the exact same way about me. Just like my own mother. Alex is probably one of them, now that I've decided to shut him out from my life.
I've got no one. And there's five reasons for that.
I began slicing a straight line across my wrist with my blade.
I’m ugly.
I made another cut, underneath that one.
I'm stupid.
And another.
I'm worthless.
And another.
I'm a waste of breath, time, and space.
I made one last cut, that was a bit deeper than the others. I told myself that I deserved the pain.
Nobody loves me. Not even myself. Especially not myself.

That night, I skipped dinner, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up on Alex’s chest.

Notes

I'LL KEEP YOU, MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET!!
Aw, I always turn happy chapters into sad ones ugh.

Next update will probably be in the next 2-3 days.

I GOT MY TICKET TO THE FUTURE HEARTS TOUR YAYAYAYA!!

Please comment, I love your comments and votes and stuff omg.

Thanks! :)

Title Cred: The Irony Of Choking On A Lifesaver- All Time Low