Today was the last day of Thanksgiving break and I still haven’t done it. I was too scared. I needed to tell her but then I wasn’t even sure that I was sure. Does that even make any sense? Ugh! The confusion is driving me crazy! Why the hell did he have to step into my life in the first place?

Currently, I was outside even though it was probably only 40 degrees. I was chucking my football against the garage to get my anger out. I didn’t know what to do exactly. Ever since Jack and I started hanging out a lot, I’ve been getting these ‘weird emotions’ you could say. At first it started with me just wanting to get to know him more, then that turned into hugging him, then after the hugging I wanted to hold his hand and even kiss him. I’m not supposed to want to kiss a boy. I’m a boy. If something were to ever happen between us, I wouldn’t be able to come out.

I needed to break up with Cassie before Jack get’s back from New York which is kind of hard because he is coming home sometime today. I know he likes me, it’s obvious. He always tries to look good when he’s around me, which he succeeds in. He is always blushing and acting adorable without even trying and it makes me frustrated. It’s not like I could ask him out anyways.

I’ve been keeping this all in and it soon going to drive me crazy. Part of me says that follow my heart. Break up with Cassie but stay her friend and go ask Jack out. Then the other part of me says that I should follow my brain. Stay with Cassie and don’t let people think you have a crush on a boy because it’s disgusting in other peoples eyes. Dad would go crazy if I said I was dating Jack. It’s not that I’m gay or anything, I still like boobs just a small part of me might like dicks.

With one finale throw of anger, I stormed inside and ran up the flights of steps to my room ignoring Mom calling my name. When I got to my room I slammed the door and grabbed my phone. Jack texted me.

From Jack:
Hey, I’ll be home around seven tonight so I won’t be able to hang out tonight before school tmrw :(

I couldn’t help but frown reading the text message, at least this would give me more time to think things through.

To Jack:
It’s alright. I’ll see ya in school :)

After I sent the message I put my phone on the bedside table and laid down on my bed staring at the ceiling. How the hell did I find myself in this situation? It seems like just yesterday I was having sex with Cassie and now I’m questioning my sexuality. Yeah, that makes sense. I groaned in frustration and sadness as tears slowly fell from my eyes. I’m not meant to like a boy. I’m meant to like girls and only girls. That’s how Dad raised me he’d be so mad if he found out I wanted to actually kiss a dude.

Lately, I’ve been having this dream where everything is perfect. No one judges anyone and you can live freely. I remember I was laying in Jack’s arms in a meadow. No one else was there except him and I. There was calming sounds and Jack was whispering sweet nothings to me. It wasn’t a big gesture but it still made my heart flutter. He was about to kiss me but that is when I woke up unfortunately.

I felt like that in the beginning with Cassie, she was like my whole world. But ever since he came into my life I started feeling differently towards her. I would never want her out of my life, it’s just that I don’t love her that way anymore.

I grabbed my phone and clicked Cassie’s contact, it needs to be done.

“Hello?”
“Can you come over, I need to talk to you.”
“Yeah, of course.” She sounded worried. “Is everything okay?”
“Just come over, please.”
“I’ll be there soon.”

I laid my phone down on the bed next to me and just continued to stare at the ceiling. Maybe I just wanted to kiss Jack but not have a relationship with him? I can’t see myself actually dating a guy, I just want to kiss him. Imagine what people would say about him and I, if we actually started dating. Imagine what the team would say. I would get kicked off the team.

I wiped my eyes and sat up once I heard Cassie’s footsteps coming towards my room. She was here already? My breathing started to hitch and soon enough I couldn’t breathe. I can’t do this.

“Alex? Come on, breathe for me. In and out.” One breath in one breath out.
“There you got it, come on. Do it again. You’re fine, it’s just me.” The pain in my chest slowly started to go away and I could finally focus on my breathing again. After following Cassie’s breath for a few minutes, I could finally breathe again.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” She asked putting her hand on my shoulder. “Have you been crying?”
“I can’t do this.” I said jumping off the bed and started pacing back and forth.
“Alex, yes you can. Tell me.” She said from the bed.
“No, I can’t! You’d hate me!” I screamed at her. She jumped slightly but then walked up to me. She put her hands on my shoulders to stop me from pacing.
“I’d never hate you Alex.” She whispered. “Lets just sit down and talk, alright?” She said massaging my shoulders. I just nodded and we sat down on the bed, I was against the headboard and she sat in front of me.

“Now, tell me why you called me here.” She said calmly. I sighed and shut my eyes, I can’t see the look on her face. “We need to break up.”
“Wh-what? Why?” Cassie asked confused. I opened my eyes and she honestly looked confused. “I thought everything was going great.”
“It was, it’s just I think I like someone else.”
“What’d you mean ‘think’?” She asked. “Alex you’re making no sense.”
“I know! I don’t know what to do! I’ve been keeping this all inside my head for the last couple of weeks and I don’t even know how to handle the situation.”
“Alex, calm down. What have you been keeping inside of your head? You can tell me.” She said sincerely.
“Um, it’s just- Jack.”
“Jack?” She asked with confusion written all of her face.
“Yes! Jack fucking Barakat decided to come in and ruin my life!” Once I said that everything just started pouring out. “He just waltzed into my life and messed with my mind. He had to come in and make me confused. He made me feel this way. His stupid face, and his stupid hair, and his, uh, his stupid body, and goddamn stupid eyes.”
“So what you’re trying to say is that you think you like Jack?” How can she be so calm?
“How can you be so calm about this? You’re boyfriend is fucking questioning his sexuality.” I groaned hitting my head on the headboard.
“Well, I wanna be there for you. You seem really confused about all of this and I’m gonna help you figure everything out even if that means losing you as my boyfriend. I want you to be happy, and if you like Jack, I’m okay with that.” She sighed but smiled.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes, now tell me everything.” She smiled. I smiled back and told her. “Ever since he started torturing me I wasn’t so thrilled but then after a bit he was actually really amazing. He was sweet, kind, and caring. As we started hanging out more I started noticing actually how attractive he is. Then the one night we ended up cuddling cause’ I was scared and I actually really enjoyed it but I was too scared to admit it to myself. Then I wanted to start holding his hand and even kiss him and it terrifies me. I’m supposed to date girls. My Dad would kill me.”
“Well you obviously like him from what I’m hearing. And you’re not supposed to date girls, you are supposed to date whoever makes you happy. And if Jack makes you happy who is standing in your way. Fuck what your Dad thinks. Just don’t tell him.”
“You always know what to say y’know that?” I smiled and brought the petite girl in for a hug. She hugged me back but then pulled away.
“The first step though is to do this.” She pulled out her phone and went on Facebook and clicked ‘No longer in a relationship’.
“How can you be so cool with this? I’m still so fucking confused.”
“I want you to be happy, just follow your heart.”
“Thank you Cassie. So, what do you think I should do now?” I asked because to be honest, I had no clue.
“Well, tomorrow at school try and talk to him. It’s pretty obvious he likes you.”
“I know he does, I’m scared though.”
“I know you are just think of it this way, it’s December first. You have one more month left of this year, make it count. Try and tell Evan and Lacey it might make you feel more comfortable.”
“Okay, I’ll try. And with Jack what if I kinda just stay his friend for now just to make sure I actually really like him. I don’t wanna do something I’ll regret.”

---

It was the first day back at school since break and to say I was terrified would be an understatement. Cassie and I were walking to school to calm my nerves. The only good thing was that the entire team besides me decided to skip today and drunk. Don’t get me wrong I love to drink but I have more important things going on right now.

We soon arrived at school and started walking in until Cassie slapped my arm. “What was that for?”
“Look, Jack is over there by himself go talk to him.” She smiled and pushed me towards him. He looked up from his notebook and pulled out one of his earbuds. His hair was perfectly styled today and his clothing fit him great if you know what I mean.
“Um hi?” He laughed. I looked behind me and Cassie was standing behind me grinning.
“Hey Jack, bye!” She yelled before running off. God, she’s a moron.
“What was that about?” Jack laughed. He didn’t really stutter around me anymore which is a good thing.
“I have no idea, she’s just weird.” I laughed and sat down next to him. “What are ya doing?”
“Just writing a song.” He said before shutting his notebook.
“Lyrics?”
“Guitar parts.”
“Oh, maybe would ya want to give me those lessons this weekend?” I asked. His eyes seemed to light up and he blushed. “Yeah, that would be good.”
“Good, I’ll see ya this weekend then.” I said before getting up and walking away from the boy who was now staring at my ass.

Notes

Awh he finally admitted it to himself. This chapter is shorter than the others, sorry about that. But please comment, vote, and subscribe because I only got 1 comment last time :(