We Were Born To Lose

I woke up filled with nothing but anger. Anger that Rian was dead, anger towards my father, anger towards Cenrid, but most of all, I was angry at myself. I shot up quickly making Jack jump.
“How long was I out?” I asked. He grabbed the paper and a quill from the nightstand,

One to two hours.

He replied. I hopped out of bed and grabbed a sword. I needed to train. I needed to get my anger out but I was so furious that I was afraid I’d break my bedpost.
“Come on.” I said to Jack, knowing that I didn’t really have to tell him to come because he would anyway. I ran out of the castle and to the training grounds. The sun was setting but I didn’t care. I started beating down on the post with every ounce of strength I had. Every thought earned a blow to the post.

Rian is dead.

It’s all your fault.

It should be you, not him.

He isn’t a fuck up.

He has control of his anger and emotions…Had.

You should’ve saved him.

He’s dead because you were too slow.

He’s dead because you couldn’t save him.

He’s dead because you had to go on extra patrols.

If you hadn’t been such a dick, you wouldn’t have had to go on them

If you hadn’t been such a little fuck he would still be alive.

You practically killed him.

I fell to my knees and stuck my sword in the ground in front of me, leaning on it. My heart cried out for my friend. A soft hand touched my shoulder and I looked up to see Jack with tear-filled eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, realizing it was morning. I’d kept him out here all night. He smiled sadly and moved his hand down to mine. He squeezed it lightly, helping me stand up. I stumbled from exhaustion but we got back up to my room without a problem.

Talk to me.

He wrote. I swallowed hard, trying to speak without my voice breaking.
“He was my brother you know? We’ve been best friends since we were kids. He was the very first person I knighted. He was there for me when no one else was.” I paused a moment to bitterly laugh, “A Prince isn’t ever supposed to show weakness and it’s really hard sometimes. I couldn’t talk to my father about anything because he’d just tell me to “Man up.” I had no one but him. He didn’t expect me to be a Prince, I knew I was human. He knew sometimes I was scared and I could always talk to him whenever I needed to, even in the middle of the night. He was never afraid to call me out on something but he was never slow to defend me.” My throat was getting choked up and I swallowed hard, glancing up at Jack who rested his hand on my thigh and stroked it with his thumb, “But I was. If I’d moved faster, I could’ve pulled both of you out. If I hadn’t been such an arrogant fuck, we wouldn’t have been on those extra patrols in the first place! God, everyone is better off without me!” I cried. Jack moved and placed his hands on either side of my head and shook his violently. “Yes they would! Think about it. You would be able to talk, Lisa would still be alive, Rian would still be alive, my mother would still be alive, my father would probably still be sound in mind, everyone would’ve benefitted had I never been born!” I listed, counting everything on my fingers. “Honestly, the only good thing I’ve ever done was save you and I almost didn’t!” I said, a tear falling down my cheek. “I’m such an arrogant boy. I should love myself so no one has to. Everyone’s better off without me.” I whispered. “Arrogant boy love yourself so no one has to. They’re better off without you.” I repeated to myself. Jack looked heartbroken which made me feel even worse. He picked up the quill.

How could you think that? Life wouldn’t be worth living if you weren’t here.

“No. Life wouldn’t be worth living if you weren’t here.” I replied, moving a lock of his hair out of the way before being hit with a thought and having to force myself not to rip it out. “Speaking of, why the fuck didn’t you kill me?” I asked, regarding when the soldier had him at sword point.

I couldn’t.

“Why the fuck not!” I asked, my voice raising, causing him to shrink back but I didn’t care.

I could never hurt you.

“Jack, we’ve been through this. If someone threatens your life and all you have to do to save it is is kill me, You fucking kill me.” I said through gritted teeth.

No.

“Damn it Jack you’re such a-“ I never got to finish my sentence because his lips were on mine. He pulled back to mouth the word,

No.

“Why?” I whispered. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. He furrowed his brows and tried again.

That’s when I realized what he was trying to say. I jumped off the bed.

If he said it, everything would all become real.

If he said it, we wouldn’t be able to run, hide, or ignore the obvious.

If he said it, everything would fall apart.

“Don’t say it, Jack.” I said, clenching my fists. He opened his mouth. “Don’t you fucking say it.” I repeated.

Then he said it.

And everything fell to pieces.

Notes

Title Cred: Stay Away From My Friends by Pierce The Veil

(sorry about not updating in 5 ever)

draaaaaammmmaaaaaa