Take Care
Five.
Content warning: Mentions of rape.
---
The next day, Jack woke up because Alex was clinging to his arm. “Clinging” as in “holding his arm so tightly that the blood circulation was starting to not work as well anymore”. Alex was mumbling some things and he sounded like he was scared. Jack sat up, pried Alex’s hands off his arm and hugged the older one protectively.
“Shh, Alex, wake up. It’s just a dream,” he said quietly into Alex’s ear. Alex stirred more, slowly waking up, it seemed. He opened his eyes and immediately started to cry. Jack was so surprised that he just hugged him more and held him close, shushing him and rubbing his back.
When Alex had calmed down considerably, Jack decided to go ahead and try to find out what was going on with Alex.
“Do you want to tell me what you dreamt of?” he asked very softly. Alex shook his head no. “That’s okay, Lex. Just know that I’m always here for you.”
“Thank you,” came out of Alex’s mouth.
“No problem.” There was a pause, but the silence was comfortable. Each thought about own things – well, Jack thought mostly about how he was worried about Alex. And maybe a tiny bit about how Alex was naked under the covers because the towel he had wrapped around his waist the day before was gone. Jack had found it next to the bed.
“Jack, do you think it is very important to go to the police after witnessing a criminal act?” Alex asked suddenly, tearing Jack out of his ponderings.
“What?” Jack was confused.
“Just answer.”
“Um, well, I think it depends. If I was the victim, I’d probably go if I wouldn’t endanger myself. If I did it, then probably no. If I just saw it, then it really depends on what crime it is and who is involved, you understand? Like if it was my best friend and it’s nothing really serious then I’d keep my mouth shut but if it was someone I dislike and it was something big, then I’d tell the police.”
Alex looked at Jack. Jack blushed.
“What if it was something really serious and you’re the victim and your personal safety would be endangered either way?”
“Alex, why are you asking all of this?” Jack asked, his eyes narrowing.
“I’m just interested?” Alex replied, but he looked away and that was what made Jack doubt the trueness of his words.
“Come on, I think it’s more than that. Tell me. You can trust me.” Jack attempted to make puppy eyes, not even knowing whether they’d do anything but he could try.
“Stop those eyes, Jack. They ain’t helping. I’m not telling you. And I still haven’t got an answer to my last question.” Jack’s cheeks flushed, he was embarrassed.
“I’ll answer it if you tell me the reason why you’re so set on this topic,” Jack said.
“Looks like we’ll both remain without an answer to our question then…”
“Please?” Jack tried the puppy eyes again.
“No…” Alex got himself two pills from his nightstand.
“What are these?” Jack asked worriedly.
“Just some painkillers.”
“Alex…”
“Over-the-counter painkillers to be exact. So please, could I take them to help me, doctor?” Alex said sarcastically.
“Take them then. Do you want something to eat? Painkillers shouldn’t be taken without something in the stomach.”
“Wow, where did you get your medical degree?” Alex gave back. He knew he was acting pissy and ungrateful but he had let Jack in too much already. He was just glad Jack hadn’t asked about the reason for his pain yet. A pain concentrated on his butt, to be exact.
“You learn a lot from the customers at a café. But why are you in pain?” And there it was. The question hung between them.
“It’s nothing,” Alex said, but he felt a sharp pain in his chest at that lie. He was still feeling like shit after what happened yesterday and after the horrible night he just had had. In his dreams, Andretti had chased him and had ended up pinning him down on a bed of spikes to rape him again. Alex almost wanted to cry again at just the thought of that.
“I know it’s not nothing,” Jack said softly. “Please, Alex, I just want to help you.”
“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” Alex said, forcing a smile.
“I know you’re not.” Jack was disappointed by how Alex had shut himself off again; closed the doors to his heart.
“Jack, can we please not talk about it? I’d like a toast for breakfast.”
“If you say so… But you can always come to me, okay? And yes, French Toast or some other stuff on it?” Jack looked kind of sad and it made Alex even sadder but he really couldn’t tell him.
“Just plain toast. Nothing on it.”
“Do you always eat your toast just plain?”
“No, but I feel like it today.”
“Okay then, Mr. Just-Plain-Toast.” Jack’s heart beat faster at the attempted joke. He really hoped Alex would take it well.
“Thank you, doctor,” Alex replied with a small, real smile. Jack tried to not show it but he felt like doing a victory dance because he had made Alex smile.
They sat in silence, Alex nibbling at his toast, Jack eating a bit more and drinking a coffee. To a person who wouldn’t have known them, it would probably have looked like two friends having a hangover breakfast.
“You live alone here?” Jack asked, breaking the silence. Alex nodded.
“Nicely decorated. But don’t you ever feel lonely?”
“No. I just wish my bed wasn’t that cold at night,” Alex joked.
“I know someone who could help you…” Jack said, winking at Alex and blushing so hard that he could have fried an egg on his face.
“No, thanks, even if last night was very nice,” Alex said.
“I was just kidding,” Jack said, wanting to slap himself with like a shovel or something.
“I know,” Alex replied.
After a while, Alex got up. He hadn’t eaten much, about half of his toast was left. He disappeared in the bathroom without another word. Jack just shrugged it off; who doesn’t have to go to the bathroom? He just continued to eat and drink his coffee.
But when Alex didn’t reappear after about 15 minutes, Jack got worried. Bathroom trips shouldn’t take that long, unless Alex had something like diarrhoea. But even then he’d maybe appreciate help so Jack decided to check on him.
He knocked lightly on the bathroom door. No reaction. He did it louder. Still nothing.
“Alex?” he asked hesitantly. “You okay?”
About 10 seconds later, the door swung open suddenly, almost hitting Jack in the face.
“I’m fine, nothing to worry about!” Alex said with a small smile. Jack eyed him suspiciously; why would he be all happy all of a sudden after seeming so down before?
“Are you sure?”
“If I tell you so,” Alex gave back, rolling his eyes.
“But…”
“Jack, your contingent of questions is used up for now. Please come again tomorrow,” Alex said.
“Alex, I…”
“Would you maybe please leave now?” Alex asked, smiling forcedly. He hated having to get rid of Jack so unfriendly but he really needed some time to himself after what had happened the day before; he needed to think about it and then probably lock it away in a corner of his mind forever. And while Jack had been a great help yesterday when Alex had still been in panic-mode, it was now time for him to go. The few blows his arms had had to take in the bathroom just a few seconds ago had calmed him down considerably but Alex knew it wouldn’t last long and so he needed to have Jack out of the flat now.
Jack collected the few things he had left around the flat and then walked out the door, after telling Alex that he could always call him in case he needed something. Alex nodded, smiled, thanked him and waited until he was gone. As soon as Jack was away, he took off in the direction of his bed.
He hid himself under blankets like raindrops hide inside clouds. And drops started falling after a little while - however, they were not raindrops but teardrops. Alex cried, feeling so hopeless while his insides were still in turmoil.
Traumata don’t just happen and then leave you to deal with the consequences like an angry titan might throw a small rock in your way which you can climb easily. They cause earthquakes, destroying houses, small places of hope and comfort; they split the ground so a deep gorge will be where only harmless grass grew before. They make it hard to go on, hard to accept that you will have to find a way to cross the gorge or else fall in and die; hard to find that way.
Alex was standing in front of such a gorge now. His legs were weak and his mind was still not clear from the shaking of the ground but he had to quickly find a way or the wind would blow him down the vertical walls of the ravine. He didn’t even know if he’d be able to cross it at all. He could just give in and fall down the cliff. Or he could fight, searching for something to bring him across the gaping darkness.
Alex wanted to give up and fall. He was so tired and weak and scared, it would have been so much easier to let everything go and fall. But there was something inside him, a tiny spark, that encouraged him to go on. And Alex decided to go on. He cried for some more, still feeling the pain, the feeling of filthiness, the imprints of Andretti’s hands on his hips.
But he would go on.
---
The next day, Jack woke up because Alex was clinging to his arm. “Clinging” as in “holding his arm so tightly that the blood circulation was starting to not work as well anymore”. Alex was mumbling some things and he sounded like he was scared. Jack sat up, pried Alex’s hands off his arm and hugged the older one protectively.
“Shh, Alex, wake up. It’s just a dream,” he said quietly into Alex’s ear. Alex stirred more, slowly waking up, it seemed. He opened his eyes and immediately started to cry. Jack was so surprised that he just hugged him more and held him close, shushing him and rubbing his back.
When Alex had calmed down considerably, Jack decided to go ahead and try to find out what was going on with Alex.
“Do you want to tell me what you dreamt of?” he asked very softly. Alex shook his head no. “That’s okay, Lex. Just know that I’m always here for you.”
“Thank you,” came out of Alex’s mouth.
“No problem.” There was a pause, but the silence was comfortable. Each thought about own things – well, Jack thought mostly about how he was worried about Alex. And maybe a tiny bit about how Alex was naked under the covers because the towel he had wrapped around his waist the day before was gone. Jack had found it next to the bed.
“Jack, do you think it is very important to go to the police after witnessing a criminal act?” Alex asked suddenly, tearing Jack out of his ponderings.
“What?” Jack was confused.
“Just answer.”
“Um, well, I think it depends. If I was the victim, I’d probably go if I wouldn’t endanger myself. If I did it, then probably no. If I just saw it, then it really depends on what crime it is and who is involved, you understand? Like if it was my best friend and it’s nothing really serious then I’d keep my mouth shut but if it was someone I dislike and it was something big, then I’d tell the police.”
Alex looked at Jack. Jack blushed.
“What if it was something really serious and you’re the victim and your personal safety would be endangered either way?”
“Alex, why are you asking all of this?” Jack asked, his eyes narrowing.
“I’m just interested?” Alex replied, but he looked away and that was what made Jack doubt the trueness of his words.
“Come on, I think it’s more than that. Tell me. You can trust me.” Jack attempted to make puppy eyes, not even knowing whether they’d do anything but he could try.
“Stop those eyes, Jack. They ain’t helping. I’m not telling you. And I still haven’t got an answer to my last question.” Jack’s cheeks flushed, he was embarrassed.
“I’ll answer it if you tell me the reason why you’re so set on this topic,” Jack said.
“Looks like we’ll both remain without an answer to our question then…”
“Please?” Jack tried the puppy eyes again.
“No…” Alex got himself two pills from his nightstand.
“What are these?” Jack asked worriedly.
“Just some painkillers.”
“Alex…”
“Over-the-counter painkillers to be exact. So please, could I take them to help me, doctor?” Alex said sarcastically.
“Take them then. Do you want something to eat? Painkillers shouldn’t be taken without something in the stomach.”
“Wow, where did you get your medical degree?” Alex gave back. He knew he was acting pissy and ungrateful but he had let Jack in too much already. He was just glad Jack hadn’t asked about the reason for his pain yet. A pain concentrated on his butt, to be exact.
“You learn a lot from the customers at a café. But why are you in pain?” And there it was. The question hung between them.
“It’s nothing,” Alex said, but he felt a sharp pain in his chest at that lie. He was still feeling like shit after what happened yesterday and after the horrible night he just had had. In his dreams, Andretti had chased him and had ended up pinning him down on a bed of spikes to rape him again. Alex almost wanted to cry again at just the thought of that.
“I know it’s not nothing,” Jack said softly. “Please, Alex, I just want to help you.”
“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” Alex said, forcing a smile.
“I know you’re not.” Jack was disappointed by how Alex had shut himself off again; closed the doors to his heart.
“Jack, can we please not talk about it? I’d like a toast for breakfast.”
“If you say so… But you can always come to me, okay? And yes, French Toast or some other stuff on it?” Jack looked kind of sad and it made Alex even sadder but he really couldn’t tell him.
“Just plain toast. Nothing on it.”
“Do you always eat your toast just plain?”
“No, but I feel like it today.”
“Okay then, Mr. Just-Plain-Toast.” Jack’s heart beat faster at the attempted joke. He really hoped Alex would take it well.
“Thank you, doctor,” Alex replied with a small, real smile. Jack tried to not show it but he felt like doing a victory dance because he had made Alex smile.
They sat in silence, Alex nibbling at his toast, Jack eating a bit more and drinking a coffee. To a person who wouldn’t have known them, it would probably have looked like two friends having a hangover breakfast.
“You live alone here?” Jack asked, breaking the silence. Alex nodded.
“Nicely decorated. But don’t you ever feel lonely?”
“No. I just wish my bed wasn’t that cold at night,” Alex joked.
“I know someone who could help you…” Jack said, winking at Alex and blushing so hard that he could have fried an egg on his face.
“No, thanks, even if last night was very nice,” Alex said.
“I was just kidding,” Jack said, wanting to slap himself with like a shovel or something.
“I know,” Alex replied.
After a while, Alex got up. He hadn’t eaten much, about half of his toast was left. He disappeared in the bathroom without another word. Jack just shrugged it off; who doesn’t have to go to the bathroom? He just continued to eat and drink his coffee.
But when Alex didn’t reappear after about 15 minutes, Jack got worried. Bathroom trips shouldn’t take that long, unless Alex had something like diarrhoea. But even then he’d maybe appreciate help so Jack decided to check on him.
He knocked lightly on the bathroom door. No reaction. He did it louder. Still nothing.
“Alex?” he asked hesitantly. “You okay?”
About 10 seconds later, the door swung open suddenly, almost hitting Jack in the face.
“I’m fine, nothing to worry about!” Alex said with a small smile. Jack eyed him suspiciously; why would he be all happy all of a sudden after seeming so down before?
“Are you sure?”
“If I tell you so,” Alex gave back, rolling his eyes.
“But…”
“Jack, your contingent of questions is used up for now. Please come again tomorrow,” Alex said.
“Alex, I…”
“Would you maybe please leave now?” Alex asked, smiling forcedly. He hated having to get rid of Jack so unfriendly but he really needed some time to himself after what had happened the day before; he needed to think about it and then probably lock it away in a corner of his mind forever. And while Jack had been a great help yesterday when Alex had still been in panic-mode, it was now time for him to go. The few blows his arms had had to take in the bathroom just a few seconds ago had calmed him down considerably but Alex knew it wouldn’t last long and so he needed to have Jack out of the flat now.
Jack collected the few things he had left around the flat and then walked out the door, after telling Alex that he could always call him in case he needed something. Alex nodded, smiled, thanked him and waited until he was gone. As soon as Jack was away, he took off in the direction of his bed.
He hid himself under blankets like raindrops hide inside clouds. And drops started falling after a little while - however, they were not raindrops but teardrops. Alex cried, feeling so hopeless while his insides were still in turmoil.
Traumata don’t just happen and then leave you to deal with the consequences like an angry titan might throw a small rock in your way which you can climb easily. They cause earthquakes, destroying houses, small places of hope and comfort; they split the ground so a deep gorge will be where only harmless grass grew before. They make it hard to go on, hard to accept that you will have to find a way to cross the gorge or else fall in and die; hard to find that way.
Alex was standing in front of such a gorge now. His legs were weak and his mind was still not clear from the shaking of the ground but he had to quickly find a way or the wind would blow him down the vertical walls of the ravine. He didn’t even know if he’d be able to cross it at all. He could just give in and fall down the cliff. Or he could fight, searching for something to bring him across the gaping darkness.
Alex wanted to give up and fall. He was so tired and weak and scared, it would have been so much easier to let everything go and fall. But there was something inside him, a tiny spark, that encouraged him to go on. And Alex decided to go on. He cried for some more, still feeling the pain, the feeling of filthiness, the imprints of Andretti’s hands on his hips.
But he would go on.
Notes
Hope you like this new chapter! Please leave me comments, I am honestly so happy about every single one I get so maybe make me smile when I see the little icon at "Alerts"? :)
-Laura
Just found this and omg it's so good!
5/11/15