Take Care

Alex didn’t think of the little piece of paper anymore for a few days. He found it when he did his laundry. He took it out, stared at it for a bit and saved the number to his phone before he continued to stuff the dorm’s washing machine.

He couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty for forgetting about Jack’s number. But then again, Jack just said “in case you need someone”. And Alex didn’t need someone. He was just fine on his own in the small apartment he lived in. He had a few friends, a job that wasn’t good but paid the bills at a 24/7 pizza place and a college major that he enjoyed most of the time. He could do on his own.

But deep down, even if he didn’t want to admit it, he sometimes needed someone. The nights when he was sat in front of his desk, his homework in front of him and a deep sadness inside of him, the nights when he was so stressed that he burst into tears and wouldn’t stop crying for a long time would probably be better and not quite so frequent if he wasn’t on his own. Coming home from his shifts at 3 am to a cold, dark apartment where he would break down because he was just so exhausted and sad, much too often punching the walls to feel alive wasn’t that good either. But Alex thought he didn’t need someone.

When he came home from doing the laundry, he sat down on his bed. He had work later and he had already tossed back a few cups of coffee but it didn’t seem to help. He was still worn out from the last two night-shifts the past two days. He sat down on the bed, started sorting through his dried clothes. After a while, he couldn’t bear the exhaustion combined with the monotonous activities anymore and promised himself that he would just lie down for a minute, no closing eyes and sleeping involved. But of course, as soon as his head touched the pillow, his eyes somehow closed automatically and he was asleep within a minute.

He woke up about 3 minutes before his shift was due to begin. And he wasn’t there. He was completely drowsy from sleeping but stumbled up and out of the door to maybe make it to his workplace with not too much delay.

Of course, traffic sucked and he arrived even later. His boss already awaited him. He was a short man of Italian descent, rather fat and currently, his face was red with anger. He was swearing in Italian at Alex, gesticulating wildly.

Alex felt awful but he let the man’s insults wash over him like a wave. He knew that it was of no use to protest. But then, his boss said something that had him looking up.

“Once more and you’re fired.”

Alex reacted, said it wouldn’t happen again, but inside of him, alarms went off and something else inside screamed, desperately trying to get air. He couldn’t breathe properly anymore either; something stole all the air from his lungs, snatching it away as soon as it entered his trachea.
His boss left and Alex was left behind the counter. In a daze, he put on his apron and tried to seem normal while his inside was in turmoil. He worked for a bit, putting pizzas in the oven, and then, when no customer was around and he was left alone, he ran to the toilet.

He took the small stone he always had with him out of his pocket, rolled up his sleeves and paused for a short moment. The anticipation was so good. Then, he smashed the stone onto his lower arm, over and over again.

When he stopped, he felt calmer and better. Almost happy. He admired his newly forming bruises. After that, he got back into the kitchen and took the pizzas out of the oven. He felt sort of invincible, like nothing can harm him anymore.

Alex got home at 4 am. His boss had him stay longer than usual to make up for his lateness. Alex fell onto the bed, tearing off his clothes. He fell asleep almost immediately. He would shower in the morning, he told himself.

~~~

The next morning, Alex woke up with an enormous headache and blue arms. It looked good, he decided. After a nice shower, he checked his pantry for food. But all he had left were some crackers and a can of beans. He needed to go shopping sometime soon.

So he decided to go to the café. He took his purse, swallowed a painkiller and left.

“Hello, Alex. What can I get you?”

“My usual black tea and a double espresso in addition today, please,” Alex said. He avoided looking Jack in the eyes. He felt kind of bad for not calling or texting him.

“Sure.”

Jack left and a few minutes later, Alex had the hot drinks in front of him. He smiled at Jack. Or, he tried to smile at Jack. It probably came out more like a grimace.

Jack set on to leave again but hesitated and turned around again.

“Alex… Can I ask you a question?”

Alex nodded slowly, not quite knowing what to expect. “I guess it depends on the question,” he told Jack. Jack nodded back.

“Just… no lies, okay? I want you to tell me the truth.” Alex hummed in response.

After a small pause, Jack asked, “Alex, are you okay?” He looked up to meet Alex’s eyes and Alex admired the beauty of Jack’s eyes for the first time. But Jack’s eyes were not only beautiful, they were also sad.

Alex didn’t reply for a long time. And when he did, he used all his willpower to keep his voice from being anything else but strong.

“Depends on your definition of ‘okay’.”

“No, do you feel okay?”

Alex didn’t reply this time. He just looked at Jack, forcing himself not to cry. Jack’s eyes got even sadder the longer Alex remained silent. He understood without words too. Alex was not okay.

Notes

Oh Alex...
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-Laura