Carry Me Home Tonight

The only emotion I feel right now is guilt. Guilt from killing Lisa. Guilt from hunting humans in my early years. Guilt for turning Tess. I just feel guilty all the time and it’s killing me.
Above all I am so guilty for hurting her. I see the pain in her dark doe eyes. I can see the scar on her neck, glaring at me so much that it almost blinds me. I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have believe Carmina.

If I hadn’t believe her, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I wouldn’t be so guilty. And I would be happy. Kenzie would be happy. Hell we might even be married now, if vampires ever get married.

I was in the kitchen of studio house Tay’s band was staying in. I didn’t have anywhere to go and Jack knew I was going to be there. So he left me here while he went to stay at a nearby hotel.
As I sat in the house, on the kitchen floor, I drank. I had already downed two full bottles of Jack, a bottle of Maker’s Mark, and I was working on the first of three bottles of Jameson. I was getting hammered and I didn’t care. I wanted to drown my misery.

“Alex,” I perked my intoxicated head up to see Kenzie standing there. The hurt was still in her eyes, like it always was.

“Can you leave me alone,” I asked her nicely, slurring my words.

“Alex,” she sighed, which I knew meant she was trying not to cry while she saw me like this, “This isn’t healthy.”

“I don’t care,” I told her, “My healing abilities keep me from getting alcohol poisoning. I can just drink for days and not die from it.”

“I want you to stop,” she came over and took the Jameson from me. She took a sip before she put the cap back on and put it away along with the other unopened bottles.

“Why do you care,” I asked her, “All I do is hurt you. I see it in your eyes all the time.”

“That doesn’t matter,” she whispered. I knew she was trying to be strong for me. She didn’t have to be. She has every right to be broken and weak in front of me. I fucked her up when I turned it off. She should really be screaming at me. Maybe even driving a stake through my heart to be free of me.

“Mackenzie,” I got her to look at me, “Why are you doing this? I’ve hurt you. You shouldn’t care about me.”

“I’m doing it because you regret what you did,” she swallowed before she took a seat on the floor across from me, “Guilt is an early sign that you’re starting to feel. Jack explained to me that so far all your feeling is guilt. That’s a sign of compassion.”

“But you should move on,” I told her as tears formed in my eyes, “You should forget about me. It’s what I deserve.”

“I’m not going to forget my first love,” she argued, “If I did, I would be dead. The pain has been killing me for five years. And I have fought these five years for you. I wanted you back. I was waiting all this time, just for you. I am not throwing that all away now. I am staying with you.”

“I’m going to hurt you again,” I told her, “I always hurt people. I’m a monster, Kenzie. I’m nothing but a monster.”

“And I don’t give a fuck,” she snapped at me, “I love you, Alex. I always have. I never let myself love again because I felt like it would be me cheating on you. I couldn’t do that to you. Ever.”

Kenzie closed the distance between us and held me in her arms. I fell apart and actually cried.
The guilt washed over me like a tidal wave, drowning me in misery. I held onto her gingerly, being careful to not crush her. I had already broken her once, and I wasn’t about to do it again.
---
I woke up the next morning in a bed. I had no memory of how I got there. I rolled over to find that there was a body next to me, curled up in a ball. I looked over a little more to find strands of fire-red hair on the pillow, and I knew it was Kenzie.

I got up out of the bed carefully and left her room. I didn’t want to wake her. I somehow knew she didn’t sleep well during the night these last five years.

I walked downstairs to find Tay, Cameron, and Jack in the kitchen. I hung my head as I took a seat at the island in the center of the kitchen. Jack was cleaning up the mess I made last night. I felt so guilty for not taking care of it myself. Then I saw the blood steak knife.

“It’s not her blood,” Tay piped up, somehow knowing that was what I was thinking, “It’s yours. You must have stabbed yourself before you went to bed with Kenzie to keep yourself in control.”

“I remember that before I got locked up, I went on a feeding frenzy,” I spoke quietly, “I guess the bloodlust in me is still out of control.”

“It’s no worries,” Cameron patted my shoulder, “You drinking most of our whiskey is better than drinking from Kenzie.”

“She hates me,” I whispered, afraid my voice would crack.

“No she doesn’t,” Tay made me look at her, “She loves you with all of her heart. Her heart broke when you turned off your emotions, but she never stopped loving you. She hated the monster that replaced you. Not the Alex that is feeling guilt.”

“Give Kenzie time to pick up the pieces,” Jack smiled lightly, trying to lighten the mood, “She has PTSD from when you attacked her at school before we got you locked up. But she is madly in love with you. And in time you’ll have the feeling of love back that you’ll be submerged in it and the pain may finally go away.”

“I want it back,” I crossed my arms on the counter and put my head down, “I’m tired of hurting her. I want to return her feelings, but I can’t. It won’t turn on no matter how hard I try.”

“It’s the pain and guilt,” Tay said as she rubbed my back, “When you start healing and getting past it, you’ll open up more of your emotions.”

Notes