Carry Me Home Tonight

Kenzie finally came downstairs just after 10 and she looked terrible. Her eyes were bloodshot. The bags under her eyes were dark and puffy. She had just showered, I could smell her shampoo from where I sat at the island. She looked miserable. Then she saw my shirt and gasped. No one had bother to mention it to me.

There was a huge hole and blood all over the front of my shirt. There was a scar where I had stabbed myself to keep myself in control around her. She looked terrified, like maybe I had been attacked by Carmina or that she forced me to stab myself.

“It’s okay,” I told her, “I did it to myself last night. I must have went back into the kitchen last night after I put you into your bed and stabbed myself. I think I did it to keep myself from losing control and attacking you again.”

“You’re acting like you don’t remember,” she asked with a puzzling expression all over her face.

“Jack found the knife,” I told her, “But I had no idea I stabbed myself until I saw the knife.”

“How are you feeling,” she asked, “You look terrible.”

“I feel it,” I told her, “I’m hungover. And I’m still drowning in guilt.”

“Do you want me to help you treat your hangover,” she asked, “Orange juice and some pain killers always help me.”

“I’m alright,” I told her before taking a sip of my coffee, “Coffee and some animal blood always helps my hangovers go away.”

“Oh,” she looked away from me and started making her cereal. I knew she had no idea what to do around me still. She was fighting a war in her mind over her feelings for me. I could just tell from the look in her eyes.
---
“Tess the trip isn’t helping,” I told her. I had decided to call Tess to check in. I was out here to try to stir up more of my emotions.

“You haven’t been there long enough,” she countered, “Give it a week. If you don’t feel love turn back on, we’ll try again during the tour. How’s Kenzie?”

“She’s miserable,” I told her, “She’s been crying a lot. She barely talks to me. Tay’s had to force us into the same room at times. Kenzie is pretty broken after what happened.”

“I know,” she replied.

“I really want to take her necklace and compel her to forget,” I told her, “I want her to be happy. I want her to love someone that isn’t a monster like me.”

“No,” Tess yelled at me, “That is out of the question. No compulsion. Ever. That will mess with her mind. Just no, Alex.”

“I know,” I sighed heavily, “I want her to be happy. I want that more than anything.”

“Your guilt is leading you to selflessness,” Tess sounded like she was smiling, “Your compassion is turning on. Love will come back in time. Let the happiness and compassion come on. They’ll help you both heal. Being her friend before boyfriend is a great start.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Tess,” I told her, “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Keep me posted on your recovery,” Tess replied before I hung up.
---
Kenzie and I were alone at the house with Jack. Tay and her band were in studio working on their record. Jack and I were hanging out in the living room while Kenzie was in the den reading like she normally did.

“Why is she reading all the time,” I asked Jack.

“It keeps her mind off of what happened to her,” he replied, “She’s depressed, Alex. She’s always hurting. She’s always in pain. I’ve visited her every chance I could. I saw the pain in her eyes every time I told her that you still hadn’t turn it on. I was a constant reminder that you weren’t back.”

“Why isn’t she relieved that I have my emotions back on,” I asked him, “I’ve kissed her, hugged her, and even slept in the same bed as her, yet she still won’t stop crying. I care. I really do. But I feel like it’s pointless because of how she’s reacting.”

“Alex,” Jack pinched the bridge of his nose, “She lost her parents when she was a baby. She never knew them. Her uncle was always busy so he didn’t give the attention every child should get. She didn’t have friends until her senior year of high school. Then when her first love stops caring about her because of his off switch, it nearly killed her. Her heart is broken. And that is something that is very hard to fix.”

Jack got up and left me alone with my thoughts. I can’t believe what I did to her. I ruined her life.
She doesn’t deserve what I did to her. She doesn’t deserve the life she has. She deserves something so much better. But her pain, the pain I can feel along with her, is killing her slowly. I need to heal her. I have to. I owe her so much for not giving up on me, for caring when I didn’t.

“Alex,” I looked up to find Kenzie standing in front of me.

“Yeah Kenzie,” I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“Can I curl up with you,” she asked, “I need someone to hold me.”

“Of course,” I pulled her into my lap and held her lightly.

“Thank you,” she said quietly as her voice cracked from the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.

“You are always welcome in my arms,” I told her as I rubbed her back, “I will always be here, okay, until the day you send me away.”

“Don’t ever leave,” she sobbed into my chest, “I can’t stand to lose you.”

“I won’t leave you,” I found myself promising, “I’ll be here for you.”

I kissed her hair as I stroked it softly. I rocked her gently in my arms. Her breathing became shallow and her heartbeat had slowed down. She had fallen asleep in my embrace. I smiled a little as I kept her safe in my arms. But it wasn’t from threats around us, but to also protect her the monster that was dormant within me once again.

Notes