Kiss Me Again

"Oli?!"
I was dumbfounded.
Oli Sykes, my ex boyfriend from NEW YORK, was standing at my front door step.
I was so confused about so many things.
Like why is he here? HOW is he here?
My mind was racing, and my heart was beating out of my chest as I stood there, frozen. Staring into his dark, beautiful, endless orbs that I once enjoyed gazing into out of pure love.
He grinned at me and flicked his head to the side to flip his hair out of his eyes. His hands were occupied with a bouquet of roses, and a small heart-shaped box of chocolates.
"Hi, Taylor." His familiar Yorkshire accent was shining through, making me kind of weak at the knees.
My jaw was still almost hitting the floor. I didn't move an inch.
He chuckled a bit, and held out his arms to hand me the gifts he was holding.
"Eh, sorry I didn't make it on Christmas, but for Valentines, I thought I could make it up to you."
His huge grin was still plastered on his face as I snapped back to reality and shakily took the roses and chocolates out of his hands. I still stared at him in disbelief.
He cleared his throat.
"Uh, could I um...come in?"
And without thinking, I gulped and stepped aside so he could come in. I closed the door behind him, still not believing he could actually be here right now!
"Gee, it's quite chilly out there, huh?" He chuckled, taking off his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack.
I looked down at the things in my hands.
"O-Oli? W-what is all this?" My throat felt dry.
He stepped closer to me.
"A gift for my girl?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat and placed the gifts on the table behind me.
"W-why?"
"Why not?" He stroked my cheek with his thumb.
"B-because.." I refrained from making eye contact with him.
"I'm not exactly...y-your 'girl' anymore."
"Well, think of it as..a peace offering."
He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, then turned around and scanned over my house.
"This is a nice place..real nice. Barb's not home?"
"Thankfully." I snickered.
He turned back around to me and laughed.
"The bitch is bat shit crazy!"
"Indeed she is." I nodded and kept a straight face.
"Oh, loosen up, love! You're beautiful when you smile!"
He grinned and rubbed his hands comfortingly up and down my crossed arms.
"Oli..why are you here?"
"I just wanted to make up for lost time."
"But you can't."
"And why can't I, love?"
"Because it's too late. You moved on."
"Did you?" He furrowed his brows and put his hands back to his side.
I broke eye contact and looked down at my feet.
"Well..not exactly..but not because of you, because I choose not to. For me."
He let out a sigh of relief, and started smiling again.
"I miss you, Tay. I miss your smile, and your scent, and your cute little laugh. Please stop being so...stubborn."
I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch as he walked into the kitchen and starting looking in the cupboards.
"Do you have tea here?" He asked as he rummaged around in the cabinets.
"Um, yeah!" I called back.
"AHA! FOUND IT!" He yelled victoriously after a while.
"You want some?" He called from the stove.
I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever!"
"Aye? Okay, alright. Fixing you some."
After a while, he sat down on the couch next to me, placing two cups of mint tea on the coffee table.
"So Tay, how's it been? Has Maryland been nice to you?" He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
"It's been fine." I said bluntly, staring down at the steaming mug in front of me.
"Hey, stop being so pouty." He stuck his bottom lip out in a cute little pout at me.
"Give it up, Oli." I rolled my eyes at him.
"Come on, is that really how you're gonna treat me? I skipped school today so I could drive for 5 hours just to see you on Valentines day."
I turned to him in shock.
"You seriously drove here? All by yourself? Just to see me?"
He nodded and smiled.
"You know, it's funny. The things you do for the people you love."
"You don't love me Oli.."
"But see, that's where you're wrong, gorgeous. I still love you. I could try to date every girl in the world to get over you, but I can't. I miss you..." He leaned down and pecked me on the cheek.
"I need you.." He whispered, and then connected his lips with mine.
The familiar feel of his lips tingling as they touched mine. It was as if there was still a part of me with feelings for Oli. A little piece of my heart that just won't let go of him.
But it didn't exactly feel...right.
It felt dangerous, more so.
But I still let it happen. I still kissed him back. I let myself fall for it again.
I hated myself for being so vulnerable and letting him in so easily.
We broke apart, and he rested his forehead on mine while holding my face in his hands and stroking my cheeks with his thumbs.
"I love you, Taylor." He whispered, shifting from my eyes to my lips.
"Do you love me?"
I went silent for a moment as my heart sped up.
"Y-yes.." I choked.
It was true, there was still a part of me that still loved Oli.
He grinned and moved closer, his lips brushing against mine.
"Good."
He reattached our lips, and moved him against mine. He placed a hand on my shoulder, slowly and gently pushing me down so that my back was pressed against the couch.
He hovered over me and continued kissing me and running his fingers through my hair.
When he kissed me, it didn't feel like the way Alex kissed me. Alex's kisses felt so..right. So passionate and sweet, and sincere. Oli's felt forced and just...wrong.
I felt his tongue lick my bottom lip, and I pulled back and caught my breath.
He just moved down and started kissing my neck.
"O-Oli?
"Hmm?" He mumbled against my skin.
"How did you know where to find me?"
He looked up at me and moved back up so that his face was hovered over mine again.
"Jenna.." He leaned down to kiss me and I put my hand up to his chest to stop him.
"Wait..what?!?"
"You know..Jenna. I was missing you after me and her split, and I remember her writing down the address for me because she really wanted me to send you a Christmas present..sorry I didn't, by the way.."
He leaned down to my lips again, and I pushed him off of me with full force.
"Are you telling me...that you DATED JENNA?!?"
His eyes widened.
"Yeah, after you left..I uh, thought you knew that.." He nervously scratched the back of his head.
I was outraged.
Is he being serious? How could she?!
I was pacing the living room now.
"So she was the one who you turned to immediately after I left??"
"Well..I um.."
"THAT'S WHY SHE KEPT TELLING ME TO GET OVER YOU!" I concluded.
It all made sense.
And them breaking up was probably the reason why she hasn't contacted me lately, and also the reason why she seemed so strange when I mentioned him the last time we spoke.
"I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!!" I yelled, as Oli got up to comfort me, but then stumbled backwards at my outburst.
"Listen, love..it's not that big of a deal.."
I cut my eyes at him out of rage.
"Not that big a deal? NOT THAT BIG OF A FUCKING DEAL? SHE'S- WELL SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND! AND YOU KNEW THAT, OLI!" Angry tears started pricking at my eyes.
"Listen I'm sorry, what do you want me to do?!?"
"WHAT DO I WANT YOU TO DO?"
Silence.
"I want you to leave, Oli."
"Oh come on, Tay!"
"Please, just- go." I walked over to the front door and opened it as a gesture to show him his way out.
He scowled at me.
"I did not come all this fucking way for nothing! You're a fucking bitch, you know that? If I were Jenna, I would've betrayed you as well, cause I'd be fucking sick of you, just like I was before!" He spat, grabbing his jacket and walking out the door to his car.
His words hit me like a freight train.
The way he could so easily just say those things.
The way the insults just rolled off his tongue like it was nothing.
The same tongue he tried to slip into my mouth.
The same tongue he used to tell me I was beautiful.
And he lied.
He fucking lied to me!
I'm not fucking beautiful, I'm a bitch!
A fat, ugly, BITCH!!
That's when I lost it. I completely lost it.
I screamed and turned to the side table where the roses he gave me were sitting.
I picked them each up one by one and started ripping off the petals like a crazy person!
"I FUCKING HATE THEM!! MY OWN BEST FRIEND AND MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!"
I grabbed the last rose very abruptly, not noticing the thorn sitting on the side as it pricked my finger.
"Shit!"
I threw the rose on the floor and repeatedly stomped on the petals, squishing it with the socks on my feet.
Then, I ran upstairs and grabbed my phone off my bed. I clicked on Jenna's contact.

Me- You're a fucking two faced bitch. I fucking hate you. Have fun sucking face with Oli. You don't have to worry about me getting in the way anymore. Goodbye.

I hit send, then I immediately blocked both her and Oli's contacts, and deleted them from my phone. I deleted absolutely EVERY trace of Jenna from my phone, every picture, video, you name it.
Then I tossed my phone on my bed in anger and collapsed on the floor.
I just lost my best friend.
My best friend since the 5th grade.
She betrayed me.
She knows EVERYTHING about me. She KNEW about all my issues.
How my self-esteem hits rock bottom everytime I get used by a guy.
She KNEW how I felt about Oli. And ESPECIALLY how I felt when I moved and had to leave him. I was broken inside.
And then he just came and dropped that bomb on me, and told me what he really thought of me. And it hurt like hell.
It hurts so fucking bad. Just like this tiny little hole on the tip of my finger from when I pricked it on that thorn.
There was a drop of blood coming out of it.
But I squeezed more out of my finger.
I needed to feel the pain.
I deserved pain.
Tears were flooding out of my eyes endlessly, and I was screaming and sobbing as if I went mad.
But all I could do was fucking cry and watch the tiny drops of blood drip out of my finger.
It wasn't enough.
It just wasn't enough physical pain to match what I felt on the inside.
I needed to feel the sting, see the blood.
I knew what I had to do.
The only thing to turn to in a situation like this, when writing just wouldn't be enough.
I shakily took a deep breath, stood up, and walked into my bathroom. My hands were shaking, and my head was aching from all the crying.
I looked around the sink until I spotted it.
My razor.
It was sad that I had to stoop down so low to this shameful level, but I hadn't felt this upset in a very very long time.
I shakily picked up the razor and stared at it. I mentally prepared myself for what I was going to do.
Okay, I shouldn't do this, but I have to.
I need this. There's no turning back now.
This is for being worthless.
For having all those guys and even Jenna, prove that I am worth nothing.
I deserve this.
I took a deep breath and held the razor down to my wrist.
It just looked really blurry because my eyes were clouded with tears.
I took another deep breath.
And then I did it.
I soon felt the slice of my skin, as I slowly dragged it across. Then there came the familiar small sting, and then there came what I needed.
The blood.
In little red beads, slowly appearing on my skin.
I exhaled the breath I had been holding in.
"H-hello, old friend.." I whispered, putting the razor back against my wrist to cut some more.
Oli's voice flooded through my brain as I made another.
"You're a fucking bitch, you know that?"
I made another.
"If I were Jenna, I would've betrayed you as well!"
And another.
"I'd be fucking sick of you, just like I was before!!"
And another.

But then I heard him.
"You're beautiful, don't forget that."
Alex.
"Tay...I don't know what you've been going through, or why you feel that way about yourself, but just know that I will never EVER lie to you. EVER, in ANY situation. I don't know what you've heard, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say, that you, Tay Jardine? You are the most beautiful girl I've ever met."
"I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You don't deserve to. You're beautiful to me, I don't give a fuck what those shitty people said. You're beautiful, inside and out."
"Just please, don't try to hurt yourself, Tay. You aren't worthless, you're worth so much. And if you still don't believe it, I'll die making sure that you do."
I opened my hand that was firmly wrapped around the razor.
I watched as it fell to the floor by my feet.
I came back to reality.
I backed up out of the bathroom in horror of what I'd done.
I looked over to my bedside table, at the old picture of me and my dad sitting on the front porch, smiling away.
Oh my God.
No.
No no NO!!!
I furiously swept the framed picture off of the small table with my hands, along with everything else.
"I BROKE MY PROMISE, DADDY! I'M SO SORRY! I'M A MONSTER! I'M A FUCKING MONSTER!!" I screamed manically and sunk down on the floor and cried and screamed some more.
I went on with my tantrum until I calmed down a bit, and my breathing started to slow back to normal.
But then the realization of everything that happened hit me again, and then it started all over.
My head was throbbing, and my cheeks were completely wet. There were drops of blood on the floor beside me from my bleeding wrist.
I needed help.
I needed someone to calm me down.
I just couldn't be alone right now.
The loneliness and emptiness I felt was unbearable.
I needed someone to talk to.
I picked up my phone.
But who??
I couldn't call Jenna.
I couldn't tell Hayley about this.
I DEFINITELY couldn't tell the guys...
There was only one person to call.
I dialed the number.
It rang once, and I started getting second thoughts.
Maybe this is a bad idea...what am I doing?
Just when I was about to hang up, they answered.
"Hello? Tay?" His wonderful voice sounded through the phone.
"A-Alex. I-I..."
I don't even know what to say.
"Whoa, are you alright? Are you crying? What's the matter?"
The tears started flooding again.
"I did it, Alex! I-I don't know w-what to d-do!!" I sobbed.
"You did what?? Tay?! I'm coming over right now!"
"ALEX NO! NO, YOU CAN'T!"
"Don't try to stop me, Tay. Have your door unlocked. See you in like, 5 minutes!"
And then he hung up.
Regret and anxiety washed over me.
He can't see me like this. I'm a mess. I'm ugly.
I hid my face in my hands and cried a bit more, before getting up and running back into the bathroom. I turned on the cold water in the sink, then stuck my bloody arm underneath the stream to try to wash the already sort of dried blood off. It stung like a motherfucker. More tears streamed down my face. I turned the faucet off and leaned over the sink and sobbed.
"I'M SO STUPID! I AM SO FUCKING WORTHLESS!!" I screamed into the mirror.
"No, you're not."
I quickly turned around at the sound of his voice. I didn't even hear him come in, I was crying so hard.
I didn't say anything, and neither did he. We just stared at each other.
He looked even more hurt than he did that Christmas night after the kiss.
He had the most worried expression as he scanned the disaster around him.
I looked down at the ground in shame.
"Why?" His voice was so small, it came out as a whisper. He stood his distance and barely moved as if I were too fragile for anything.
I kept my focus on the ground and stayed silent. After a moment, the tears came back, and I just let go and choked out many sad, pitiful sobs.
I instantly felt two warm, sheltering arms wrap around me. I tightly gripped onto the back of his shirt and sobbed hard into his chest.
"Shhhh...you're beautiful. So so beautiful.." He continued to whisper sweet nothings in my ear as he stroked my hair.
"Please don't cry. You don't deserve to be sad. You're too precious."

We'd been standing there for about 30 minutes now, but Alex still continued to soothe me until I calmed down.
I felt very comforted by his touch and his words. I felt safe. Like no one could hurt me if I stayed in his arms. I just wanted to feel this way forever.
"Are you okay now?" He whispered, kissing the top of my head.
"I think.." I responded.
He reached down and scooped me up bridal style, and laid me down on the bed.
I didn't let go of him as he kicked off his Converse and laid down next to me. I snuggled closer to him, resting my head on his chest as he ran his fingers through the ends of my hair with one hand, and wrapped his other arm around my body.
I felt completely safe and content.
After a while, he spoke.
"So..are you going to tell me now, or do you wanna wai-"
"Jenna hooked up with Oli immediately after we broke up behind my back." I explained quickly, wanting to just get it over with.
"Oh..ouch.."
"And she knew how much it hurt me when we broke up. And then she'd always tell me I should get over him because he's a jerk. But..it was only so there wouldn't be any competition. She stabbed me in the back. She wasn't even going to tell me about it-"
"Wait, she didn't? Then how'd you find out?"
"Oli told me. He came here earlier."
"He did?" Alex furrowed his brows.
"Yeah, and he...said some things.."
Alex tightened his grip around me.
"Like what?"
"L-like..I'm a bitch and I deserved it.."
He hugged his arms around me even tighter, but his eyes were full of rage.
"He shouldn't say shit about you!"
I buried my face into his chest and begged my tears not to come.
"A-Alex.."
"Is he still in town? Cause I'll fucking kill him!!"
"Alex!"
"How DARE he say some kind of fucking shit like that to you? He didn't fucking deserve you, you're too beautiful to be treated that way!"
"ALEX!"
"It's the fucking truth!! You're like a princess, Tay. You deserve to be treated like royalty! You shouldn't feel any lesser of yourself because of something shitty your friend did to you. She was wrong, it was a shitty thing to do. She should feel sorry for what she did to you! And I'm telling you right now, that Oli guy better not say anymore false shit about you, because none of it is true, Tay. None of it."
I blinked back tears and felt my lips curve upwards.
"I wish you could've told me that sooner.." I giggled a bit.
"Don't do that to yourself ever again. Please don't. Okay?" He gently turned my wrist over and looked at the 2 year old scars covered by the five reddish/pinkish, raw cuts that would be somewhat scabs by tomorrow.
He ghostly brushed his finger over them, which even though he barely touched them, it still hurt. A lot.
I winced in pain, and he quickly removed his hand and muttered a "sorry".
We were both silent for a moment.
"Thank you, Alex." I whispered, absentmindedly tapping my fingers on his chest.
"It's nothing."
I stopped tapping and looked up at him.
"No, it's not nothing."
He was silent for a second.
"When I said I'd be there for you, I meant it." He whispered, stroking my hair.
"I know." I whispered back, and laid my head back down.
Then, I spoke up.
"Yes, Alex."
"Huh? Yes, what?" He looked puzzled.
"Yes, I'll be with you."
He leaned his head down and kissed my forehead.
"Okay..good." I could hear the smile in his voice.
I smiled, and snuggled even closer to him, and wrapped my arm around his whole torso.
I listened to my boyfriend's heartbeat until I fell asleep.


Now here's a long ass chapter note for a long ass chapter x)

Notes

AHA!! YOU WERE ALL WRONG!!!
YOU THOUGHT OLI WOULD RUIN TAYLEX, BUT HE ACTUALLY FIXED IT!
I'M JUST FULL OF PLOT TWISTS, BABY!! ;D
Love me again, please? :)

Okay so..I think this just might be the longest chapter I have ever written. I'm not completely satisfied with it, though. It took me like 2 days to write, and I was gonna wait till tomorrow but I was really eager to post it and its technically 1am right now sooo...yeah :3

ON A MORE SERIOUS MATTER, I HAVE TWO TOPICS TO DISCUSS.
1. I'm just now getting more into WATIC, so when I first started writing this fic, I didn't really know much about Tay Jardine. Including the fact that her dad passed away a few years back. I personally try not to write about family members of my characters that have actually passed away in real life, I don't mind reading it in other fics, but I feel uncomfortable writing about them. (Which is also why I don't mention Tom.) So, I just wanted to clear up that her father's passing in this story is NOT BASED ON HER FATHER IN REAL LIFE!
2. This chapter is triggering, and I didn't mean to make it so..detailed. I am sorry if this has bothered you too much. Feel free to message me all you want if there's anything bothering you/you need to get something off your chest, or you're feeling really down. I may be able to relate, and we can talk about our feelings and be friends :3 And if I can't relate, I'm a good listener, and I'll try to help you the best I can :) I'm really sorry if I've triggered you in any way. Please be strong, and remember that you are beautiful inside and out, and you are worth living & loving <3

Thanks! :)

Title cred: Walls- All Time Low