Alright, I know you’ll be like “I told you so”, but I have to admit the next three days started to go a bit worse, we were heading Nashville right then.
Yeah, we went partying almost every night. Yeah, Jack and I got drunk and most likely made sweet love every time, always outside the bus or at the same bar’s restrooms -yeah, I had this little american vocabulary developing also, thanks to Jack. But, remember when I said I felt like something went off everyday? I just feel like every day I was losing an emotion and I could only worry internally, not being able to show it, and I looked like I didn’t care, which partly was true, but it also scared me shitless. And the worst part is it terrified me to tell Jack because I felt so overwhelmed he’d think I’d gone crazy and leave me, I-I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him and I knew I had to. But it’s not like I could walk to him and be like “Hey, Jacky, guess what? In the past week I’ve been getting worse and worse and I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind” No, I just- no- I couldn’t!
Leaving the me-losing-my-emotions stuff, I’ve been also having this weird feeling. The voices weren’t there yet, but I felt them so close I was almost missing them. Call me crazy but I missed them, a lot. I felt so lost without them, it was almost scary. I missed them like I missed an old friend, like a close family member,like someone important and couldn’t help but ask myself why. Why did I miss them when the caused me so much trouble? Did I deserve them? Were they my only friends? Was I such a forever-alone? All these questions raced through my head like a hurricane, leaving a wreck of unanswered questions behind.
I woke up at around 2am, and we got to the bus two hours ago. Somehow, everyone was already asleep, except me. Yay. Sarcasm. I rolled off Jack and I’s bunk silently and thanked whoever was up there I didn’t drink too much last night.
The bus was deadly silent, you could only hear the soft radio coming from the front and the faint noise of the wheels on the road, and some snoring from the guys. I decided to watch a movie, distract myself a bit, and looked for something to watch from the DVD cupboard. I came across American Horror Story: Murder House and decided to watch that. I went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water whilst the DVD was loading and pressed the play button once I sat down again.
I was already in the forth episode when I heard someone groan and then a faint noise, probably of sheets being moved. And suddenly, I felt Jack’s arms around my shoulders.
“I thought you were asleep” I turned a bit to him and kissed his cheek, “Is the TV too loud or-?”
“No, no, don’t worry” his voice came out sleepy and raspy and the fact his hair was flat made him look like a little kid, “I just felt cold not feeling your body next to mine” he whispered in my ear.
I smiled a bit and he dropped his arms around me, walked around the couch and sat next to me, bringing us closer. He let me cuddle into him and occasionally kissed my hair and temple as we watched Violet and Tate being super cute.
“I think they’re trying to be cuter than us” Jack said.
“Mhm” I looked at him with a small smile playing on my lips, “Do they top us?” I asked casually.
“Baby” he gave me a look, “Nobody can top us” he smirked.
I giggled and buried my face in his chest.
Then, from being all cute and sweet loving, Violet discovered Tate’s real backstory and had this huge breakdown and swallowed all those pills. And I felt something click in me.
Something I hadn’t felt for a while, even in episode one, when Violet cut herself, I didn’t feel this way… I felt triggered. And that triggering made me feel this wave of relieve in me when I heard this little voice in the back of my head.
Do it.
My breathing stopped and my heart skipped two beats, but I felt so euphoric to hear that evil, mean and wretched voice again, it was sickening.
I even felt tears welling up in my eyes, my rational brain telling me to panic, but my irrational brain had been growing strong and so my rational brain was just a small background noise. But I didn’t feel the tears rolling down my cheeks or the unconscious whimper I let out, causing Jack’s attention to focus on me.
“Baby?” he sounded concerned.
I just shook my head, my eyes on the screen, showing how Tate carried Violet to the bathroom screaming “Don’t you die on me”.
“María?” Jack called me again, this time turning my head with his fingers under my chin to make me look at him.
“I-I’m fine, Ja-“
“Don’t lie to me” he cut me off, his hand leaving my chin to pull me closer by my waist, “If it’s too triggering, don’t watch it” he advised.
“It’s n-not” It wasn’t the show, it was my mind.
“Then what is it?” he looked at me and raised an eyebrow, a soft expression in his eyes.
Should I tell him?
No, he’ll think you’re crazy and leave you.
You know, I liked it better when you were gone.
Oh, please. You couldn’t stop thinking about me. Oh, no wait. You missed me. You literally fucking missed me so damn much. Ha ha, you’re such loser, you know that, right? I bet Jack thinks you’re pathetic.
Jack paused the DVD and turned to me.
“Hey, hey María, breathe baby” I felt my breathing go faster and tried to focus on Jack’s words. I didn’t even know why my breathing changed.
And... I lost it.
“Jack, I’m so fucking sorry for being such a bad girlfriend” I cried, hugging my legs and making me feel like a small ball, “I-I just wish I was w-what you d-deserve… what y-you want” I buried my face between my knees. “I-I’m so so so sorry” I sobbed.
I felt my body shaking and Jack’s worried eyes on me as I started to feel high headed and my vision went blurry. I also felt Jack’s arms around me, rubbing circles on my back and his voice telling me to breathe, but I couldn’t do it, my lungs didn’t give in.
“María, focus on my voice” Jack pleaded.
“I need you to breathe, come on” he said softly. He put his hands on my knees, softly pulling them down to undo my position, and took my hand, placing it on his chest, if I had been in a normal mental state right then I would’ve probably giggled feeling his heartbeat and his rise and fall as he breathed, but this time I did as he asked me, “Breathe in and out with me, Mari, please"
I managed to decrease the shaking, but some tears still rolled freely down my cheek, until Jack wiped them away with his thumb as he cupped my face.
“You’re not a bad girlfriend” he pulled me closer, “Actually, you’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had” he kissed my temple, “You’re so strong” he kissed my cheek, “So intelligent” he turned me around a bit and kissed the tip of my nose, “So beautiful” he pecked my lips.
“So fucked up” I said in almost a whisper.
He gave me a sad smile and joined our lips together. I slowly put my hand on the back of his neck and he deepened the kiss, an arm around my waist, pulling us together.
“That doesn’t mean I love you any less” he said when we pulled away for air, “And…” he opened his eyes and looked at me, “You are what I want because I want you. And, trust me, I don’t wanna sound like some shitty cliché book, but it’s me who doesn’t deserve you” he kissed me again.
I leaned on his chest as he played with my hair and we continued to watch Murder House.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked after watching an episode in silence.
“Mhm” I put my hand on his bare chest.
“Why did you break down?” he hesitated before asking.
Easy. Because I’m a stupid and worthless bitch who cries for any stupid little thing.
Shut up.
Babe, I just came back, I’m not gonna shut up now.
Please?
Who do you think you are? I’m gonna go away because you ask me to, you stupi-
“Mari?” Jack turned to me, bringing me out of my small war.
“I-I… I’ll sound like a freak…” I looked away.
“Of course not” he rested his hand on mine, “Tell me”
“I- I think I’m getting worse” I looked at our hands, not daring to look at is face, “I’m starting to hear voices again and I feel like I’m losing my mind…” I trailed off.
He pulled me closer and rubbed soft circles on my hand.
“When did you start feeling like this?” he hesitated again before asking.
“A week ago” I shot him a quick look before looking down to our hands again, “I didn’t tell you because we were doing so well and I was scared you’d leave me or-“
“Babe, unless you tell me to go away, I’ll never leave you” he squeezed my hand reassuringly, “And we’ll get out of this, I swear” he put two fingers under my chin and made me look at him, “I love you to Pluto and back” he pecked my lips, a small smile forming on mine.
“It’s to the Moon and back” I smiled.
“But I love you to Pluto and back” he insisted, “Even if Pluto isn’t a planet anymore”
“What do you mean, it’s not a planet?” I scoffed.
“Well, I heard scientists said-“
“VIVA LA PLUTO, fuck scientists” I cut him off, using the best spanglish I could manage to think of.
He bursted out laughing, when he calmed down, he looked at me with a wide smile on his lips.
“I think ‘VIVA LA PLUTO’ is the best thing I’ve heard in the whole tour so far” he chuckled.
I smiled at him and pulled myself up on my knees on the couch, hovering over him and kissing him softly.
“God, I love you so much” he breathed when we pulled away.
“I love you too” I said with a smile, lying on him again.
We watched American Horror Story for a while until he spoke again.
“Babe”
“Yeah?” I replied, not looking at him.
“I don’t mean to say I’m going to do anything, but… why don’t you like psychologists?” I started to feel sick, my heart beating loud in my ears “I mean, nobody likes them but why don’t you give it a try?”
Ha! Told you so, he thinks you’re crazy!
I started to feel tears welling up in my eyes.
“J-Jack are y-you trying to say-?”
“No, no. Babe, I’m not sending you anywhere, I swear” he turned me around to make me look at him, “I was just asking”
I gulped and looked away from his eyes, trying to ignore the little voice in my head.
“Babe” he tried to seek my attention, I looked up at him, his eyes full with concern, “I love you, I’ll never send you anywhere far away from me, I just wanna know” he trailed off.
“You promise?” my voice came out as a whimper.
“I promise” he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, squeezing me as I melted in his warm embrace.
“Well…” I sniffed, “I don’t like them because they’re basically friends for money. I get attached too easily emotionally and, to get attached to someone who only pays attention to me because of my money, isn’t exactly very comforting… Also, I know from my past experience that some of them give crap advice, so what’s the use?” my voice was fading by the end.
“I really think you should give it a try” he pushed some strands of my hair behind my ear, “If you want, I can go with you” he offered, seeing the horror in my face, “But you have to understand I don’t know how to deal with you when you’re all sad. Don’t get me wrong, I love you and I want to help you, but I don’t know what to do or what to say to make you feel alright” he cupped my face with his hand, “And also, I think you need some extra help, for yourself” he kissed my forehead, “And I don’t wanna lose you” I heard him sniff, “If you wanna do it for yourself, do it for me, but please, get help?”
Not in a million years.
Oh, shush.
Great, rational thinking finally spoke back. I missed you and your lame comments.
I internally rolled my eyes and though about what Jack just asked me to do. In a normal occasion, I would’ve flipped shit, like when Ruben tried to send me to a psychiatric, made a scene, cried, refused to and just said no to everything, but the way he phrased it… Maybe it was because he was considering my personal opinion and was careful with his words, or maybe the fact he put himself in the picture, how he just wanted to help me and how he said I needed help for myself… I don’t know, it was kinda convincing.
“Please say something, María” he pleaded.
I looked up at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, his own arms squeezing me around my waist.
“I’ll consider it” I sighed. How bad could it be?
He pulled away as quickly as the words left my mouth, a wide smile across his lips.
“You serious?” he smiled.
“I said I’d consider it” I said in a low voice.
He just smiled at me and hugged me again.
“I’m so fucking proud of you” he kissed the tip of my nose, making me giggle.
“I said-“ I tried again.
“I know what you said” he chuckled, “And I know that ‘I’ll consider it’ will finally transform into a simple 'Alright', no matter how much you refuse to see that” he smiled wider -if possible.
I smiled back and pecked his lips. Jack pulled us closer, kissing back and deepening the kiss immediately, refusing to let me pull away. The kiss lasted what felt like forever, feeling his hand on my face and or bodies pressed together, but we finally pulled away for air. Stupid air.
We looked at each other like we were about to kiss again, when the bus stopped, but not completely turning off the engine.
“Where are we?” I asked, looking around.
“In the outskirts of Nashville”Jack simply answered, already knowing where were we.
He looked at me with sweet eyes again and started to caress my skin, his hands going down to my butt, giving it a quick, cheeky slap.
I whimpered a bit and looked up at him to see those sweet innocent eyes turn his face into a craving expression.
“Jack, we can’t” I tried to hold back a chuckle.
“Why not?” he pouted.
“Everyone’s sleeping, we’d scare the driver, …” I stated to list down.
He rolled his eyes and a bit too aggressively pulled me closer.
“Alright, but you’ll have to pay me back later” he whispered in my ear, a shiver running down my spine at his voice.
“I’ll be more than happy” I whispered back in the same dark voice, making him visibly gulp.
I smirked and turned my attention back to the screen. After watching almost the whole season, we got bored and decided to play Black Ops, me between Jack’s open legs and with my back on his chest, my head on his shoulder, each of us with a controller in our hands.
Jack was growing frustrated because I had killed him five times already.
“Jacky, it’s not big deal-”
“IT IS! FUCK, I THOUGHT I’D SPEND ENOUGH TIME PLAYING ON MY OWN!” he shouted.
“Shhh, baby, the rest are sleeping” I rubbed soft circles on his thumb, he started to breath heavily.
“How can you even do that?” he sighed.
“Practicing” I smirked a bit. Yeah, practicing with Willy and Ruben was pretty epic, specially when we stated to bet stuff we never really gave, except hugs. I always bet hugs so I had an excuse to be hugged.
“You have to teach me” he kissed my cheek, “Sorry for shouting”
“It’s no big deal” I turned my head again so he saw I was smiling.
He sighed and kissed my cheek again.
“I love you” I turned my head just in time to meet his lips with mine.
“I love you too” he said when we pulled away.

Notes

GUYS PLEASE COMMENT
I'M WRITING A NEW STORY JUST SO YOU KNOW
NO, I WON'T START IT UNTIL I FINISH THIS ONE
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I NEED IDEAS
EVEN IF IT'S NOT AN IDEA, COMMENT
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Title credit: And The Snakes Start To Sing by Bring Me The Horizon.