Dear María

I laid there staring at the woman I loved the most, someone who had fought and hurt and cried but always stood up with her chin up, someone who taught me so many aspects in her life, how her head worked, even if it wasn’t the nicest way.
I took in her features, that sick and pale skin, acting as a thin layer on top of her bones, those bags under her eyes, those long and dark eyelashes which didn’t look that long because the ends of her lashes were blonde, her perfect eyebrows, her perfectly curved nose, those pale lips I could be kissing all day if she let me, everything.
It almost seemed impossible that such a beautiful human had gone through so much and I was so determined to make things better for her, I’ll make her gain some weight and self confidence, even if it took me years, I’d help her through everything, because she was worth it.
I’d never fallen so hard, or fast, for someone in my life, my first relationship wasn’t even that serious, and I’d always been a one nighstand guy, but all of that came crashing down the moment I started to talk to her, I just didn’t want to anymore because I’d feel like I was cheating on her, even if we weren’t even together at that time, and I knew I did the right thing when we shared the first kiss.
I kissed the tip of her nose, then her lips, and forehead before slowly rolling off bed and walking downstairs, walking past the living room. The coffee table was covered in María’s drawings and sketches and I sat on the couch, admiring her art. The drawing which were meant to be tattoos were pretty amazing, almost finished, but what caught my attention were three drawings which didn’t look like tattoos, more like portraits or ‘formal’ art, as she called it.
The first one was a forest and in the center there was an andalusian horse (I know because María told me they had thicker necks, and it looked like Stella) galloping through the forest, two purple butterflies chasing after it.
The second drawing was an actual drawing of Stella with her front knee up, it looked pretty cool, but my eyes went wide with the third drawing; I almost confused it by a photograph. It was me!
She had clipped a photo to the side of the page, a photo of me smiling at her. I remember that day pretty well: we were sitting on the sofa, cuddling, and she was still pregnant, we were watching Game of Thrones, I was wearing my glasses and didn’t bother styling my hair, so it was kind of flat, and she commented how cute I looked and, when I turned to her, she was staring at me with those lovely blue eyes of hers and a small smile on her lips. I told her to take a photo so she could stare at me longer, so that’s what she did.
I smiled at the memory and my head started to fill up with nostalgia, missing those happy times. I knew she was such a mess in that moment, but, like I said, I was going to help her, I wanted to help her.
I decided to go for a walk, and quietly got changed, left a note and went for a walk with Olivia to clear my mind.
I thought about my future, and how I couldn’t imagine it without María and I missed her so much when I went touring, but as much as I missed her, I missed the sex also. I knew she wasn’t okay and needed her time, but -for god’s sake- I needed to get laid!
That’s what everyone during tour told me when I was slightly grumpy, “Jack, you need to get laid” and a nighstand wasn’t the solution, because I knew those things were easy to slip, and I didn’t want to hurt Mari, not now, not ever, not again. So I sticked to masturbating. But, I swear, if one of these days she lead me on, one moan from her lips, and I’ll leave her sour for a week, and I’m not kidding.
But I’d wait until she actually lead me on, I didn’t want to force her, no matter how much I wanted to make love to her.
I looked at my phone and realised I’d been walking for half an hour, so I decided to head back home, ready to try and make my girlfriend some breakfast without burning the house down, and take her out, as it was a lovely Saturday morning (well, not really, it was a bit cloudy, but I wanted to say that), but something didn’t feel right when I got to the front door and stepped in.
It was too… silent. I let Olivia run to the garden, when I heard a faint and low crying, and instantly walked up the stairs. I heard some whispering and mumbling, but I couldn’t focus on the words.
“…They’ll forget about me and everyone will have the life they deserve. I don’t deserve to live, I’m a waste of space”
I heard a weird sound, like a heavy object moving and a small click.
“María?”
I slowly opened the door, it creaked as it opened slowly and I popped my head in to see if María was in there and froze when I saw her in the bathtub, with a gun to her head. It was a pretty old gun, it didn’t even look like it was in condition to shoot anything, but it was enought to make my body fill with shock and horror.
I opened my mouth to say something, but she closed her eyes and pulled the trigger, a tear rolling down her face.

I felt my heart shatter right there and I couldn’t breathe, but, to my own suprise and relief, I heard nothing, I blinked a few times, but instead of seeing blood and brains everywhere, I saw a white tiled bathroom, and a shocked and blank María, tears streaming down her face and slowly turning to the gun, shocked it didn’t work.
“No, no, no…” she whispered nervously.
I took it as my cue to act, and my body let me move, so I quickly took the gun from her hands and threw it out of the bathroom, out in the hallway. When it hit the ground, it did shoot, but it shot the ceiling. I wrapped my arms around the now shaking and crying mess of my girlfriend and picked her up bridal style and to our room.
I sat on the bed, pulling her on my lap and closer to my body, María shaking and soaking my shirt with tears.
“I-I f-failed... w-with a fucking g-gun” she cried, burying her face in my chest. I noticed some tears well up in my eyes aswell; the most precious human I’ve ever met and had the chance to share my life with, crying because she failed a suicide attempt... with a gun... in my face.
“I’m such a f-failure”
“Shhh” I rubbed circles on her back, kissing her hair softly. “Stop saying that” I finally let the tears fall from my eyes.
“But-“ I cut her off.
“Babe, you don’t seem to understand how much do you mean to me and to everyone who knows you. You have this aura that makes people love you, no matter what you do, that makes people come closer to you and you’re no even realising how much it hurts me to see you like this” she looked up at me and wiped my tears away, “What I just saw, it fucking terrified me. I don’t think I could’ve stand watching you kill yourself in front of me, I-I just couldn’t” after that, I crashed our lips together, to get my point across somehow. I desperately needed her to understand how much she meant, not only to me, but for everyone; Ruben loved her so much, Oriol adored her, Stella’d kill for her, even Olivia would bite someone if they dared to touch her. She had that effect on living things, she made herself loved by everyone, but she needed to see it.
“You honestly think I could live with that? If your plan worked, you know how much it’d hurt me to shower in that same bath every day, smelling your perfume when I put my clothes on? You think Ruben would be the same if his little sister just died? You think Oriol would be the same? Stella?!” I started to get pissed, but not at her, at myself for not opening her eyes before. “María, look at yourself, you’re a beautiful, young, strong and intelligent woman. Yes, you may be fucked up, but you don’t have to let that drag you down. Mikel was such a fucking asshole for doing what he did to you, life has treated you like a bitch when you were at your best, but that’s because it’s testing you, deep inside of yourself you know this is not right, that you should get help, and you’re better than this, you just need to convince yourself.
“I’ll be there every step of the way if you want me to, but don’t ever say you’re a failure, because you’re not, if you’ve managed to fight all these years it must be because you’re stronger than your think you are. I’m so, so, so, so, so fucking glad it didn’t work, but I can’t stand hearing you say you hate yourself for not doing it right” I kissed her again, a tiny smile forming on her lips in the kiss.
“I won’t ever leave you, if that’s what you want, but I swear, I won’t ever let you go. I love you” I pulled her into a hug and waited for her reaction, she just hugged me back and cried again.
She cried for what felt like hours until she calmed down and I kissed her hair. She looked up at me.
“Don’t leave me, please” she sniffed and wrapped her arms around my neck, “I love you and I’m so sorry I did that to you” she whispered.
“Quit apologizing” I pulled her closer to me, our foreheads touching.
“Sor-“ she stopped herself and I kissed her. I cupped her face in my hands and she turned her body to me, so we were face to face. We were kissing slowly and passionately, wanting to make each other’s love get to both of us, feeling every touch.
My hands left her face and trailed down to her hips, under the long shirt she wore, and caressing her skin. She wrapped her arms around my neck tighter and slowly wrapped her legs around my waist. I felt her stomach quietly growl with hunger and pulled her up in her koala position and lead her to the kitchen, setting her down on the counter and making some breakfast.
I felt her eyes on my back whilst I was trying to do some pancakes.
“You like pancakes?” I asked, turning slightly to see her tilting her head.
“What are those?” she asked, some extra tears escaping her eyes.
I started to chuckle and walked to her, opening her legs with my hands on her knees.
“You really don’t know what are pancakes??” I raised an eyebrow.
“I’m sure I know, the name certainly rings the bell, but…” she shook her head.
I just laughed and went closer to her, burying my face in her neck.
“Well, you’ll be having some today” I grinned.
“Alrighty” she smiled softly at me. She was still crying, but she was soon calming down, she then looked over my shoulder, “Jack”
“Mhm” I drew small circles on her collar bone.
“I don’t know what pancakes are, but I don’t think they should be black” she chuckled, I turned around.
“Shit, shit, shit” I mumbled, trying to unsuccesfully save some burnt pancakes.
She giggled and smiled at me, a tiny sparkle in her eyes. I threw the burnt pancakes away and started to try to make some proper pancakes, my hands on each side of the stove, when I saw María kneeling down and getting back up between my arms and me and the stove.
“Well hello there” I smiled and leaned to kiss her neck from behind.
“Hi” she smiled, “I decided to help you before you burnt anything else” she giggled.
“Ha ha ha, so funny” I said scarcastically with a smile, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her neck again.
She picked up the pancakes’ box and started to do what the recipe said, instead of just cooking straightaway, like I did. She turned the box to see how pancakes looked.
“Aah, I know what pancakes are” she smirked softly, turning the box again to read the recipe.”In Spain, we call them ‘tortitas’”
I chuckled and held the pan for her, putting it next to the stove. I turned off the stove.
“And have you ever tasted them?” I asked while she put three pancakes on each plate.
“Nope” she then turned to me and kissed me softly, her arms around my neck.
I tightened my arms around her waist and pulled her closer to me.
It was unbelievable an hour ago she was such a mess, but I was glad it turned out this way. I wouldn’t handle losing her, or leaving her, which reminded me of tour. Shit. Warped was getting closer and we were in it this summer, so I had to think of something to stay with her.
I didn’t notice I had lifted her off the ground and on to the counter, our tongues dancing together, my hands gripping her waist so she wouldn’t leave me, until I pulled slightly away and pecked her lips again with a smile on both our faces.
“I love you” I whispered against her lips.
“I love you too” she smiled.
We stared at each other for a while, a blush creeping on María’s face.
“So… breakfast?” I offered when the silence became too… silent.
She chuckled and jumped off the counter, grabbing her plate and starting to eat her pancakes. I observed her for a minute with a smile, at least she was eating.
And she’ll eat more around me, I’m not letting her starve herself again, I thought firmly.
We finished breakfast and as soon as she let the fork down, I picked her up bridal style and carried her to the living room.
“So, what’s the plan today?” she asked, playing with some hair sticking out of my head.
“Well…” I held her hand and gave it a small squeeze, feeling her body heat rise. Good, she has been too cold, lately, “I’m sorry to bring this up, but… what are we gonna do with the gun?” I looked at her, her eyes leaving mine immediately, “You realise I’m not letting you keep it, right?” I gave her hand another squeeze.
“I-I don’t know” she looked at our hands, “It was my grandfather’s and that was the only bullet left, so…” she shrugged.
I thought for a second.
“Did that gun hold any especial memory of him?” she gave me a confused look, “I mean, you mind if we sold it?” I asked, if it was old enough I’m sure some collector might be interested in the gun.
“Not really, it’s pretty old too, so even if I tried to get another bullet-” she quickly looked at me, “Which I’m not” I sighed, relieved, “It would be almost impossible to find one, not to mention it doesn’t even fire when it’s suposed to do…” she mumbled the last part.
“So we sell it then?” I asked.
“Yep” she popped the p.
“Alright” I put two fingers under her chin and made her look at me, “So, besides selling the gun, what do you wanna do today?”
She gave me a small smile and moved closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder and wrapping her legs around mine.
“I don’t really know, you decide” she lifted up our still holding hands and smiled.
“I suggest we get out, go have some coffee, walk around the city, maybe we could go visit Stella and you could teach me stuff” I trailed off, playing with her hair.
“Like what stuff?” she tried not to smirk.
“Spanish, I still don’t know how to say ‘I love you’” I fake pouted.
“That’s ‘Te quiero’” she chuckled.
“Wait, what?” I sat up a bit.
“You pronounce it: T-eh ki-eh-r-oh” she repeated, slowly.
“T-eh ki-eh-r-oh” I tried to say.
“Exactly!” she giggled. That giggle. Oh god. I grinned.
“Te quiero” I said softly before pecking her lips, her cheeks already a deep shade of red.
“Yo también te quiero” she buried her face in my shoulder. I guess that was ‘I love you too’?
“You have a pretty cool spanish accent” I complimented.
“Wow, thanks” she chuckled, “I got it after living most of my life in Spain” I laughed, she looked at me for a moment with loving eyes.
“Te quiero” I said again, her cheeks getting hotter, again.
“You’re don’t sound so bad” she smirked a bit and placed a soft and sweet kiss on my lips.
We sat on a comfortable silence for a few minutes until she took a deep breath.
“You know, ‘Te quiero’ not only means ‘I love you’ but can also mean ‘I want you’” she looked up at me.
“Well, I love and want you” I looked at her straight into her now greyish eyes, matching the color of the sky.
Before she could say anything I kissed her again, smiling into the kiss.
“Also” I continued when we pulled away, “You said you’d teach me horseriding” I raised my eyebrows, a smirk forming on my lips.
“Did I?” she raised an eyebrow at me.
“Yup” I played with her hair, my eyes traveling from her hair to her eyes.
“Well, then let’s get moving” she smiled at me.
I smiled back and we got up and went to our room to get dressed (its only María outfit, but bleh). Once we finished dressing, I exited the room before her, getting the gun which rested on the floor, the bullet not too far away from it, and put them both in a bag. You know, just to make sure I knew where these two were, I’m not risking anything with María anymore in terms of suicidal ideas and stuff. Then I called my mom so she could pick Olivia up, and lead my girlfriend outside.
So we did just what we said we would; sold the gun and walk around the city.
We went to the aquarium because María loved sea stuff, she said she was really fascinated by it and explained me when she was younger she really wanted to study biology because of all the animals and stuff. Apparently, when she was 7, her favourite TV programmes were all documentaries about animals and she said she had this huge collection of books about animals. I watched her carefully as she explained this to me when we got to the sharks’ tank, her eyes sparkling like that day when we met at her cousin’s reining competition.
Next, we went to have some coffee to- surprise surprise- Starbucks, surely coming across some fans, but not the stalker like fans. After Starbucks we went walking to the equestrian center -María’s request, not mine- and it was pretty tirying, but the whole being-with-girlfriend thing gave me more energy. This girl was something different, definately.
When we got there I was really into it and even convinced María to teach me how to tack Stella up, I think I messed up with the girth once or twice, but she always corrected me with a chuckle and a soft kiss. I didn’t even realise I was subconciously taking my time so I wouldn’t ride Stella, because deep down it kind of terrified me after seeing all those falls and accidents and-ugh- also, it was the thought of making a mistake with my girlfriend’s horse -her little sweetheart.
“Jack, just kick her” she chuckled, tying an extra rope to Stella’s bridle.
“What if she gets mad at me?” I asked.
“She won’t. Babe, she weights 653kg, you really think a soft kick from an almost weightless person on top of her –in terms of proportion- can make her mad?” she raised an eyebrow.
“Well, she’s pretty responsive to your kicks” I argued.
“They’re quite hard. Short but hard” she shrugged, “Just kick her”
So after a few minutes, I finally kicked Stella. When I started to grow more confidence, I told María I wanted to trot, so she explained me to get up and down, and correcting my legs. Apparently, you can’t just press your legs, you have to ‘hug’ the horse, pulling your anfle down, but keeping your toes against the horse’s body, if not you look like a flea clinging to an animal, like she said.
I didn’t get to a fast trot or even a canter, but I felt pretty good after jumping off Stella. I couldn’t keep my legs together or even close them properly, and I was sure they’d hurt like hell the next day, but it was worth it. I wasn’t saying I’d start horseriding or anything, not after the pain I woke up with next morning. I knew I was never gonna do horseriding as a sport, at least not like María did.
After that, we went back home, Olivia was already there, and I took a shower. While I was showering I thought about tour and María and Stella, I couldn’t just leave her, and Stella wouldn’t like being away from María for so long, so I decided I’d call Matt by morning. When I came out of the shower, I found María asleep on the bed. I awed and after towel drying my hair and putting some boxers on, I laid next to her and pulled her to my chest.
“I love you” whispered in her hair, kissing her head softly.

Notes

Three things:

One. My dog was sterilized today so I couldn't update before because every time I turned around she was crying because the cut she has hurts so much, so yeah... She's okay now, actually sleeping next to my thigh while I'm writing this C:
Two. I didn't update earlier because of my dog and because I had to edit the chapter.
Three. DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS ENDING IT THERE? LIKE, I've spend I don't know how many chapters talking about babies, and future, and I think I even let a wedding slip into some chapters, and YOU THOUGHT I WAS ACTUALLY ENDING IT THERE? OMG xD
(alright, that was kinda cruel, but I'm not sorry xP)

ALSOOO...

BIG SHOUTOUTS FOR:
@alltimeblink182
@Eweeeh
@yeah nah
You guys rock! ;)

Title credit: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5.