Dear María

I woke up to the sound of Jack shutting the door, leaving a note on my nighstand, which explained he had gone for a walk but he wouldn’t take too long, so I fell asleep again. Big mistake.

I was in a field of white daisies surrounded by a forest, there were some butterflies flying around and there were parts in which sunlight got to the ground, making the atmosphere look pure and beautiful. I walked with a very light and thin dress, a pale blue colour, and I passed my fingers throught the flowers which reached my knees. I got to the center of the field, where there weren’t as many trees, but a big tree trunk and sat down. I looked at my bare feet and when I looked up I saw a small figure observing me through the daisies. The figure kept changing form in front of my eyes. The eyes kept going from blue to brown, the hair texture and colour changed from blonde to dark brown, and the skin did the same. One second, that small figure was a boy, and the other second it was a girl, changing constantly, but it kept its innocence and afraid expression in its features, looking at me with fear, like I was a monster. I smiled at the little kid and suddenly its eyes went wide and took a hesitant step, out of the daisies, and looked at the floor.
The kid kept taking small, hesitant steps in my direction, when it was in front me, it looked at me straight into my eyes, but with no emotion in its’ face.
The kid’s eyes started to go blue and paler, until they went white, and the skin started to become like a corpses’ skin colour before decomposing, the hair thinning out.
The kid took a deep breath and hesitantly, asked.
“Why did you kill me?”

I sat up immediately and put a hand over my mouth to supress a scream, tears running down my cheeks and my body starting to shake. Why did you kill me? I was shaking more with every breath I took, making it almost impossible to get enough air, as my lungs started to fail and I felt dizzy and everything around me, even a small ant in the garden, was screaming at me, making me more anxious than I already was. Why did you kill me? I covered my ears and started to sob, pulling my knees up to my chest and rocking myself in order to calm down, but nothing worked. Why did you kill me? It was like a broken record, constantly repeating itself in my head, making me want to throw up in every possible way. I screamed, not caring to muffle it or not, I just needed to get it out, and took deep breaths. It’s not fucking working! I started to panic.
The worse part was, I didn’t know if that kid from my nightmare was the one I lost, or the one I aborted, my either way I felt like shit. Why, why? Just why? I had no reason to kill any of those kids, but I did, it was my fault, I was to blame. I killed those two, innocent kids.
You’re a monster, monster shouldn’t be allowed to live. Look at you, no wonder Jack went ‘for a walk’ who knows, maybe he met somebody more interesting than you on tour, after all, who wants a depressed, suicidal, fat, ugly and weak girlfriend? No one! Not to mention someone who harms themselves, that’s so pathetic, you deserve every scar you have. And, on top of it, you act like you had a minimum of self confidence, look at you! You’re a fat piece a shit who can’t even give a man a kid, how useless is that? You are so worthless, I’m sure he’s only dating you because he pities you, poor thing.
Stop! I pressed my hands on my ears, screaming.
Oh, so that’s how we finish? I have to stop telling you the truth because you don’t wanna hear it? Of course, because you don’t wanna hear the truth, I have to shut up, right?
I already know…
If you already knew, your name would be in a fucking tombstone already, you don’t deserve to live. Murderer.
"Stop, stop, stop!” I yelled, standing up and running to the basement, where some boxes from the moving had stayed there. I searched for the ‘essentials’ box and opened it, looking for my metal object, but before finding it, I stopped and started at a thing I had but never used, it probably had more than 45 years, since it belonged to my grandfather.
That object was no more, no less than a gun.
I looked for the only bullet I had in the box, panicking as I didn’t find it, then -bingo!- found it!
I looked at that beautiful gun for a second before sprinting up the stairs, completely forgetting Jack, Alex, Oriol, Ruben, Sergi, or anyone who had a least interest in me. I could only listen to the mean things my head was screaming at me and that little kid and the ‘Why did you kill me?’ question.
I didn’t even lock the bathroom (big mistake number 1) and just closed it and stared at me for a second in the mirror. Fat, fat everywhere, scars, cuts, faint bruises, stretch marks, dead skin. Then I looked into my eyes in the mirror. They never showed their full sparkle, but now they looked so damn dead, I looked at myself like I could be looking at an unknown and unfmailiar dead man’s eyes.
I cried for a little more and sat on the bath, that way it would be easier for anyone who took the time to clean my mess up, found it easier to clean up, and loaded the gun, putting it against my forehead, taking deep breaths.
“Jack doesn’t love me, I’m fat, useless, ugly, worthless, stupid, boring, untalented, weak, but mostly, I’m a coward. I’m not worth it, they’ll all move on with their lives once I’m gone. Maybe they’ll take their time but they’ll forget about me and everyone will have the life they deserve. I don’t deserve to live, I’m a waste of space” I whispered loudly to the gun, like if someone was actually listening to me, or cared.
Only the gun cares, and I’m not that sure about that…
Enough. Enough is enough. I put the gun down and stared at it, wipping some tears going down my face and put the gun against my temple and pulled the hammer, taking a deep breath.
Then I heard the front door open and close and footsteps coming to the bedroom. No, no, no.
It’s now or never.
“María?” Jack’s footsteps looked for me, and stopped at the bathroom door. It creaked as it opened slowly. He popped his head out to see if I was in there and he froze when he saw me in the bathtub, with a gun to my head, after a few second he opened his mouth.
Too late.
I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger.

Notes

BOOM ?

Alright, that's a pretty bad joke.
(Second update :D)

Title credit: I'm Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket by Pierce The Veil.