Dear María

So it’s been a week since Jack left and four days since he sent me that text that made me cry happy tears. I don’t blame him for leaving, he’s living his dream and I couldn’t do anything to stop him doing what he lives for. But ever since he left I’ve started to feel so fucking… bad, with Jack, everything seemed anesthetized but now that he was gone… I felt everything.
Every time I walked past the mirror in our room or any mirror in general I felt like utter shit, a monster that killed not one, but two kids. One being fully concious, but the way. No wonder why Jack left and didn’t ask me to come with him.
I don’t even know how to put into words how bad I feel -and saying bad is an understatement- it’s like every single time I walk to the kitchen, I see the back door, every time I go to the living room, where he told me to run. Hallway: where he attacked me. And it wasn’t only the parts where he attacked me, oh no. The bathroom: where I took that god damn pregnancy test. Bedroom: where I slept with the father of the kid I lost because of my fucking ex.
My ex. See? If I hadn’t joined Jack’s life, this wouldn’t have happened. He’d still be the one-nightstand guy, or maybe not. Maybe he’d have found a girl who actually made him happy and didn’t have such a terrible past and wasn’t so fucked up and who actually could give him a kid. Unlike me.
I didn’t realise I was sobbing until my lungs started to ache.
He deserved better. I needed him but he needed better. Much better.
Why did he even love me, in the first place? I wasn’t even that pretty, most of my body was covered in scars, no matter how many tattoos I got to cover them up because if you looked at my shoulder in detail, you’d see some faint lines on the roses, but not to the extreme of ruining the tattoo, thankfully. My legs were starting to become fat and the same with my stomach, arms and body.
Lazy bitch, you never do it right.
Needless to say, I haven’t been eating either, but I somehow manage to become fatter and fatter every day.
Right now I just hoped Jack wouldn’t leave me, as selfish as that sounds, I just couldn’t and wouldn’t handle it, and I’m pretty sure I’d loose all hope in everything. Jack and Stella were literally the two strong ropes that kept me from falling, and loosing Jack would be like a sailing boat loosing its helm; I’d still float, but without direction.
And the worst part was that, from how bitchy I’ve been acting with humanity these past few days, I know I’ll have my period soon, a reminder that I’m no longer pregnant. No longer a possible mum.
I suddenly heard my phone ring. Jack. I instantly picked up.
“Jacky” I tried to put my happy voice.
“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” Jack asked, concerned.
You can’t even fake a happy voice, useless piece of shit.
“N-Nothing, I just missed you” I tried to cover up my lie.
“I missed you too, parakeet. What were you doing?”
Cry my eyes out because I’m a useless piece of shit who’s getting fatter each day, although I don’t eat, and the only thing I actually do is go for a walk with Olivia and visit Stella.
“Nothing interesting, my boss sent me some drawings to correct” that was partly true. Before crying my eyes out I was doing that, or trying. “How about you?”
“I just got out of the shower. How’s Olive?”
“Fantastic, she and Stella became friends”
“Really?!” he exclaimed, happily.
“Yeah, I’ve walking long walks with her lately and somehow ended up in the equestrian center, so I made them meet” I explained, remembering how Stella started to sniff Olivia like she was some sort of a little alien, and Olivia looked up at her like she was looking for the top of a mountain.
“That’s awesome!” he cheered, “How have you been doing?” now he went back to the concerned voice.
Should I lie to him? Why? He’ll find out anyways.
“Same as everyday” I kind of lied, because it wasn’t like everyday, now it was worse.
“Three more weeks, babe. Three more weeks” he sighed.
“They seem so far away” I let it slip, and quickly corrected it, “I can’t wait to see you”
“Me neither” I felt him smile.
“I love you” I smiled to myself. I often said it like a sad goodbye (if you know what I mean), just to remind him I love him.
“I love you too, baby” I felt his smile widen.
“Jack, I need to go to sleep” I yawned.
“But I want to talk with you” he pouted.
“But I’m tired” I said in the same voice, “Can I go to sleep, Jacky?”
“Alright”
“Thanks, ba-“ he cut me off.
“But only if you promise to wake up tomorrow” my heart skipped a beat, shocked, “You don’t sound as happy as you think you do” he added, concerned.
“I’ll wake up, I promise” I smiled a bit, “I love you so much, Jack”
“I love you too, go and see Stella if you need someone next to you, I know she’ll help you” he suggested.
“Thanks, Jack, goodnight”
“Night” I hung up and walked up the stairs, to our room.
I laid there a few seconds before I finally started to feel sleepy, and fell asleep.

Notes

Sorry it took me so long, I fell asleep writing it :/ Anyways, I'll try to update again today :3

Title credit: Man Made Disaster by Betraying The Martyrs.