A week passed since Jack’s last call and I had to tell my fans that I wouldn’t be doing more videos in a long time due to some personal issues. I switched off my Internet and my phone so I couldn’t read any of the comments from anyone and focused on myself. It was now December and the temperatures were decreasing considerably.
The minicourse at the equestrian center finished sooner than I expected and I rid Stella again. Sometimes we went on trips or we went to the cross course in a little forest beside the equestrian center. I rarely did any class with Oriol, we only hung around, and I practised jumping a lot.
I started to get distant with Ruben and he and Mangel came over to Barcelona two days ago to watch over me. They made sure I was eating properly every meal, so I had to go to see Stella after every meal so they wouldn’t get suspicious about me and I could burn the calories easily.
I fell down a lot recently and I had some bruises here and there, mainly on my ribs or my back, or even my legs, but they didn’t hurt much.
Every night we went out to get drunk or something and we walked down the streets. Those were Ruben and I, Mangel usually was the one who had to take care of us. Finally we went to L'Escala, the village where Olga lives and where I used to spend my summer when I was younger, since my grandparents lived there and I loved that place. It had big beaches and was surrounded by mountains. Some beaches had beautiful cliffs beside them. Ruben and Mangel stayed at Olga's house whilst I stayed away and went to my other, isolated house.
Nobody knew exactly where it was because it was in the middle of a forest and it looked like an abandoned house. There was graffitti on the outside made by myself and there was ivy climbing up some walls.
The inside was nothing compared to the outside. White walls, all clean, the wooden floor was a bit greyish, but it was clean. There were three bathrooms and four bedrooms upstairs, a kitchen, a big living room and a few other extra rooms. Ruben and Olga knew where it was because they helped me to decorate it and helped me to build a 50x50 garden where Stella could run all around, I used one half of the garage as her stall when she came over. I only used that house when it was either summer or I wanted to get away from people. There was a good wifi sign with the mobile phone, but I had no Internet itself connected.
One day we went to the beach all together and Ruben and Mangel called some of their friends to come over, Olga did the same. We waited 'till noon to start partying. At night, we had big parties all year around, even on winter, so we went to beach party with random people. I got quite drunk, as usual, trying to forget about my life, and the party started to move to the cliffs.
“Hey gather around!” Ruben called, getting out attention. “Who is brave enough to jump from the cliff?” he challenged. Oh, shit, no. Me plus alcohol plus a suicidal idea would end badly.
There were a few “me”s but nobody acted. Drunk Ruben saw my hesitation and grabbed my hand.
“Don’t even think about it, Mari, you’re not jumping” he stated.
“Why not?” I took a sip from my bottle. When I was 15, jumping from cliffs in L’Escala was normal; you went out with some friends, did some bets and jumped, being careful you weren’t too close to the wall, and fell into the water toes first. I did that a lot, hoping I’d drown, but never succeeding. I felt reckless and free when I jumped, I felt like flying.
“I’m sure you’ve lost your recklessness” Ruben insisted teasing me. I raised an eyebrow and took off my clothes with only my underwear. I walked pass him.
“Watch me” I ran a bit and jumped. Head first. I felt the cold air brushing my skin before meeting the cold sea and closing my eyes.
I sank in deeper and let go of my extra air, but I was pulled to the surface by the waves.
“Who lost what?” I screamed from the water, swimming to the rocks and climbing up again. All of them were too drunk to notice my scars so it was a fuck it thing. Other people did the same as me, still drinking and having a great time, until it was about 6am and I put on my clothes again and walked to my house.

---

I woke up at 8pm. Shit, did I sleep that long? The sun was already going down and I hadn’t heard of Olga or Ruben. I stretched and sat up on my comfy bed and saw a note beside me.
Dear María,
Sorry about last night, I wasn’t thinking too right.
I’m writing this to let you know I’ll be sleeping for the rest of the day and warn you: don’t go to your basement to wake me up!
Ruben.
I sighed. How did I even become best friends with this guy?
I got out of my house and put on the same outfit I wore yesterday and went for a walk.
I re-thought about everything that happened to me over the last 7 months. I didn’t know where I was going until I found myself jumping over a wall and landing on an abandoned cementery. I walked to a familiar grave and scrubbed the plants and dust off their names.

"Lorenzo and Mari.
The best parents, grandparents and friends of all time."

“Hey grandad, hey grandmom” I said, waiting for an answer I knew I wouldn’t get. “I miss you guys so much. I don’t even know what’s going on with my life” I said with tears welling up in my eyes.
I had a very deep realtionship with my grandparents when I was younger. My grandfather was a very proud man to have two beautiful daughters and four beautiful grandchildren. He always knew what to say and what to do. He was a great familiar and a great friend and the whole village knew his name. The same with my grandmother.
She taught me how to sew and how to cook certain things. She loved me and my siblings and Olga a lot and was a proud and happy woman.
My grandfather died from a heart problem when I was 10 and my grandmother went to dialysis for a very long time until she fell asleep and never woke up again.
They were my heroes and when they were gone I was shattered. That was one of the first times I truly felt like I was dying.
I told them everything that had happened with my life and I broke down. Thank god that cementery was half abandoned and people never went in, only me and some people to smoke pot.
I fell asleep and woke up to the sound of an owl hooting from my grandparents’ grave. I stared at the owl for a while until he flew away to a tree. I stood up and walked away, pulling my bottle of Jack Daniel’s and taking a sip.
I went to a familiar cliff. The air was colder today and blew with more force. The waves seemed to look at me agressively as I looked down. I took off my clothes leaving me in my underwear again. I was about to jump when I realized I wasn’t capable of doing shit.
Nothing? Are you sure? I challenged myself, getting a “Coward” as an answer. I turned around and let myself fall backwards.
What, now?
I closed my eyes and let myself sink. When I battled for air I let it go and my lungs ached in response. It was an uncomfortable feeling.
Shh, don’t worry, it’ll be over soon. My inner demon started to say. I tried to breathe in, suddenly scared, but water filled my lungs and I sank deeper.
There’s no backing out now, María.

Notes

Two in a day! Let's see if I get to the third one!
Leave your thoughts in the comments? (Last time I said that someone was about to kill me :D )

Title credit: Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon.