Dear María

I woke up to the sound of beeps and feeling sick and a salty taste in my mouth.
Wait, I woke up?! That means I couldn’t even fucking kill myself?! God, I was such a failure!
I opened my eyes and I saw I was lying down in a hospital bed. The walls were pale blue, making the atmosphere relaxing and spacious. I caugh a glimse of the white floor and observed the familiar furniture and white objects in the room. Everything was fucking white.
I turned my head to see a sleeping Ruben on a light grey couch. I noticed I was freezing and I looked at my purple nails. They started to gain a bit of color slowly. I suddenly coughed and some water came out of my mouth, making me choke a little. Ruben’s eyes snapped open and walked to me. I sat up and he gently hit my back.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were awake” he said with a concerned and sad look in his face.
“I just woke up” I assured him.
“How are you feeling?” he asked when I stopped couching.
“Awful” I stated with a weak smile. “How did you guys find me?” I asked.
“Hmm… well… I noticed you were missing for quite a long time, so I went out to see if you were around and saw your clothes beside the cliff’s edge” he explained slowly, trying to fight his tears back. He didn’t succeed. “I thought you were gone” he cried, hugging me tightly, “God, María, I swear you scared the shit out of me! I was lucky to bring you back!” he started to cry harder. I hugged him back. Look what you’ve done for not doing it right, stupid bitch.
“Sorry” I murmured. Ruben looked up and locked his eyes with mine.
“What are you sorry about?” he asked. I looked down to the bed sheets and played with my fingers.
“I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend and such a failure” I said, tears rolling down my face. “I should’ve hung myself or something, it’d been more a more successful suicide” I trailed off.
“Hey, what are you saying? You really wanted to drown?!” he gasped. I nodded still not meeting his eyes.
“I’m sorry I had to come into your life, Ruben, I’m so sorry. All I ever do is fuck up my relationships. And I’m sorry I had to drag you aswell. You’re such a good friend to me and I don’t deserve you, I-I-…” I sobbed and pulled my knees up, burying my face between them and hugging my knees tightly. Ruben moved closer to me and hugged me, making me untighten my arms around my knees and pull him into a hug.
“Don’t be. You’re the bestest thing that has ever happened to me, seriously” he put two fingers under my chin so I was looking at him. “Listen, you’re not only the best person in the world to me, you are for your fans, for Oriol, for Jack” he tried not to sound like he was spitting out Jack’s name. He still thought he was the one who broke my heart. “You’re important to a lot of people and they look up to you. Remember that girl, Alice? She fucking asked you what you would do in her situation! They consider you their hero and saviour, they need you, María!” he raised his voice, but his tone didn’t change. I cried harder each time.
“I’m not that strong!” I exclaimed.
“You are. It’s been twelve years since all of this shit started and look at you; you’re still here, fighting. If that’s not being strong, I don’t know what else can be” he said with admiration in his eyes but I couldn’t believe any of that.
Strong? Strong people don’t relapse! Strong people don’t purge! Strong people don’t try to kill themselves! I cried harder and he pulled me closer to his chest.
I wasn't strong, why did anyone see that?!

Notes

Three in a day!
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Title credit: Don't Go by Bring Me The Horizon.