Stop fucking around with my emotions.
Arrogant boy, cause a scene like you're supposed to.
SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING
*Alex's pov*
I woke up a wiped the drool off my chin. I saw Jack asleep, half hanging off his bed. How he managed to move so much in his sleep, I will never know. Then I got up, and suddenly felt the skin on my thighs sear with pain. For fucks sake. I sighed. I seemed to be sighing a lot lately. I made my way to the shower.My legs were far worse than I thought they would be. Dammit. I got in the shower and washed of some blood that had leaked in the night. I got the body wash and lathered it over myself, relaxing my back muscles. I was getting way too stressed. I stretched out my arms in front of me and felt my back click a few times. Much better. I exited the shower and dried off. Damn, why was I craving my blades so badly again? I had used them yesterday! Should I? I think I should. But then I shouldn't. But I want to. UrgH.
My hand reached up and found what it wanted. The thin piece of metal was held in my fingers, oh so gingerly. I couldn't do it on my legs; there was no space. The blade hovered over my arm. I closed my eyes. I pressed down and repeated the action I had grown to do instinctively. Over. And over. Tears had formed and I still went on. Slit. Slit. Slit. Slice. Slice. Slice. My eyes opened and I had to bite down on my lip to stifle a gasp. The liquid pouring from my eyes clouded my vision. Or maybe it was the loss of blood. The water cascaded from my face, down to bloodied arm. The tears landed on the blood, that was seeping out the open gashes, to mix and become indistinguishable.
I had to get this cleared up. I couldn't breathe, a pillow of emotion had been clamped over my face and I was suffocating on the unendurable guilt and sorrow. I felt myself shake my head, clearing my thoughts and bringing me back down to this tinted reality. I went through the routine- I applied pressure, cleared the dried blood on my skin, wrapped a bandage around the wounds, then I cleared up the blood that I had managed to get everywhere. How the fuck was I going to hide this?! Why had I done it on my arms?! Jack was most likely going to see this. Shit shit shit! I wrapped the towel round my waist and used carrying my clothes as a way of hiding the bandage as iIwalked back to my room.
Jack was still snoozing, thank God, so slipped on my clothes, making sure i had a long sleeved top. I didn't want to eat, but I had to convince the guys that I still was, I was scared they had become suspicious because I hadn't gone to Taco Bell.
Rian and Zack were in the kitchen and I smiled at them, as I got the carton of apple juice from the fridge and poured a glass.
"I'm really looking forward for tonight, English crowds are amazing to perform for" Zack said to Rian, who nodded eagerly. Why? Why had i had to slice up my arms the night we had a performance? Being on stage wasn't exactly the right temperature to wear a long sleeved tee. Why am I such a fucking failure? I just fuck things up 24/7.
Jack chose that moment to swag into the room and grace us with his presence. His hair was just everywhere and eyes were still pretty much closed.
"Brekfsttttt" was all he could muster to say.
"Good morning Jack, good sleep?" I was barely holding back a laugh.
"Fck offffff" Jack was not a morning person. He rubbed his eyes and dragged himself to the fridge, pulling out an unearthly amount of food that he gripped on to with dear life and death. He plopped on the free chair by the table and started devouring everything within sight. Nice. But I had to admit that morning Jack was plain adorable.
***
We were just about to go onto stage when I felt a hand grasp my shoulder. I turned, and saw Jack looking at me weirdly.
"Dude you can't wear a long sleeved top, you'll overheat" I didn't reply, but I was pretty sure my cheeks had turned red. "Alex, why are you wearing a long sleeved top?" No reply. "Alex?" He pulled my arm towards him and I tensed up. I couldn't have really done anything. Jack already knew what was under my sleeve. He pushed the material up to my elbow, and removed the bandage. He didn't say anything. Shit. He looked at me and he had tears in his eyes. This is all my fault. Why am i such a fucking fuck up? I felt sick and anxiety was clawing at the pit of my stomach.
"Guys come on, we're about to go on" I heard Zack's voice. I yanked the bandage on and pulled down my sleeve, and turned away from Jack, and I made my way towards the side of the stage, to catch up with Rian and Zack.
"You ready?"
"Always"
*Alex's pov*
I woke up a wiped the drool off my chin. I saw Jack asleep, half hanging off his bed. How he managed to move so much in his sleep, I will never know. Then I got up, and suddenly felt the skin on my thighs sear with pain. For fucks sake. I sighed. I seemed to be sighing a lot lately. I made my way to the shower.My legs were far worse than I thought they would be. Dammit. I got in the shower and washed of some blood that had leaked in the night. I got the body wash and lathered it over myself, relaxing my back muscles. I was getting way too stressed. I stretched out my arms in front of me and felt my back click a few times. Much better. I exited the shower and dried off. Damn, why was I craving my blades so badly again? I had used them yesterday! Should I? I think I should. But then I shouldn't. But I want to. UrgH.
My hand reached up and found what it wanted. The thin piece of metal was held in my fingers, oh so gingerly. I couldn't do it on my legs; there was no space. The blade hovered over my arm. I closed my eyes. I pressed down and repeated the action I had grown to do instinctively. Over. And over. Tears had formed and I still went on. Slit. Slit. Slit. Slice. Slice. Slice. My eyes opened and I had to bite down on my lip to stifle a gasp. The liquid pouring from my eyes clouded my vision. Or maybe it was the loss of blood. The water cascaded from my face, down to bloodied arm. The tears landed on the blood, that was seeping out the open gashes, to mix and become indistinguishable.
I had to get this cleared up. I couldn't breathe, a pillow of emotion had been clamped over my face and I was suffocating on the unendurable guilt and sorrow. I felt myself shake my head, clearing my thoughts and bringing me back down to this tinted reality. I went through the routine- I applied pressure, cleared the dried blood on my skin, wrapped a bandage around the wounds, then I cleared up the blood that I had managed to get everywhere. How the fuck was I going to hide this?! Why had I done it on my arms?! Jack was most likely going to see this. Shit shit shit! I wrapped the towel round my waist and used carrying my clothes as a way of hiding the bandage as iIwalked back to my room.
Jack was still snoozing, thank God, so slipped on my clothes, making sure i had a long sleeved top. I didn't want to eat, but I had to convince the guys that I still was, I was scared they had become suspicious because I hadn't gone to Taco Bell.
Rian and Zack were in the kitchen and I smiled at them, as I got the carton of apple juice from the fridge and poured a glass.
"I'm really looking forward for tonight, English crowds are amazing to perform for" Zack said to Rian, who nodded eagerly. Why? Why had i had to slice up my arms the night we had a performance? Being on stage wasn't exactly the right temperature to wear a long sleeved tee. Why am I such a fucking failure? I just fuck things up 24/7.
Jack chose that moment to swag into the room and grace us with his presence. His hair was just everywhere and eyes were still pretty much closed.
"Brekfsttttt" was all he could muster to say.
"Good morning Jack, good sleep?" I was barely holding back a laugh.
"Fck offffff" Jack was not a morning person. He rubbed his eyes and dragged himself to the fridge, pulling out an unearthly amount of food that he gripped on to with dear life and death. He plopped on the free chair by the table and started devouring everything within sight. Nice. But I had to admit that morning Jack was plain adorable.
***
We were just about to go onto stage when I felt a hand grasp my shoulder. I turned, and saw Jack looking at me weirdly.
"Dude you can't wear a long sleeved top, you'll overheat" I didn't reply, but I was pretty sure my cheeks had turned red. "Alex, why are you wearing a long sleeved top?" No reply. "Alex?" He pulled my arm towards him and I tensed up. I couldn't have really done anything. Jack already knew what was under my sleeve. He pushed the material up to my elbow, and removed the bandage. He didn't say anything. Shit. He looked at me and he had tears in his eyes. This is all my fault. Why am i such a fucking fuck up? I felt sick and anxiety was clawing at the pit of my stomach.
"Guys come on, we're about to go on" I heard Zack's voice. I yanked the bandage on and pulled down my sleeve, and turned away from Jack, and I made my way towards the side of the stage, to catch up with Rian and Zack.
"You ready?"
"Always"
Notes
Title credit: Therapy by All Time Low
I'M SO FUCKING SORRY THIS TOOK SO LOnG tO UPDatE I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!
Ayyy so I am battling with a variety of mental illnesses so I do find it hard to write a chapter if I am in the mood of wanting to kill myself, so I'll try to update as often as possible but I regard my mental health as more important than this fanfiction, although this fic means an awful lot to me, okay?
You're all very beutiful and ilyasm
This is so good!
and.
@Queen of burritos
I'll be looking forward to that
7/6/14