Next week was crazy. It was time for Alex’s court and I felt more stressed than Alex. At least that’s how it looked. We met before the court, Rian and Zack too. They looked tensed while standing practically behind me and exchanging few words with Alex.

“How do you feel? And don’t lie to me,” I reminded him when he opened his mouth to talk.

Knowing smirk appeared on his lips when he opened his mouth again, “you wouldn’t know even if I would be lying, but I’m good. It’s not like I wouldn’t know what they’re going to say.”

“You do?” Zack asked, forgetting about his fears for a moment.

“They think I killed those fourteen people,” his eyes met mine, like reminding me not to mention the other eight, “and they think I’m crazy so they’ll give me life sentence in mental hospital. Or hospital for criminally insane. They have those too.”

“Oh,” Zack disappeared behind my back again.

And Alex was right, of course. When judge yelled, “Not guilty by reason of insanity!” it kind of hurt, knowing that even they think that my Alex is insane, but Alex’s face stayed blank like it had been the past hour. There were no lawyers, no one sat at the victim’s side because, really, all victims were dead and their families wasn’t allowed here, that would only distract everyone. And just like Alex had said – he got life sentence in a mental hospital.

Inside of the court house everything was calm and quiet, like everyone would be scared to disturb someone, like there would be some monsters or demons hiding in the walls or maybe it was just Alex. Maybe everyone was a little bit scared. Everyone knew what he’s done and most of them knew that he’s psychopath and probably that was enough for them to do their thing as quietly as possible.

The moment we stepped outside of the court house everything changed. Nothing was quiet there, no one seemed to be scared. There were people, a lot of people yelling over each other and trying to get Alex’s attention. There were journalists with microphones and cameras and it seemed that Alex enjoyed it, that everyone’s attention was turned towards him.

The sight of Alex being pushed inside of the hospitals car was too much for me to handle. I understand that he’s guilty, that he needs to be locked up and away from innocent people, but he still is my Alex. Alex who I knew don’t deserve this. He don’t deserve endless sessions with therapists and pills that would only make him senseless. But this other Alex, this new Alex, which I didn’t know before. He deserved this. He killed innocent people, people who hadn’t done anything to deserve death. This Alex deserved mental hospital if not more.

“It’s better for everyone,” Rian put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me through the crowd of people towards his car.

---

“Seriously, Jack, I can’t take it! If I wasn’t insane before then I definitely will be after few more weeks of being here!”

“You’re saying this just because you want to get out.”

“That too, but seriously! This place is driving me crazy! Did you see other people who are here? They are crazy, I’m not!”

“Yeah, I saw few of them. One guy was totally creepy, he glared at me like I would be some kind of terrorist or something.”

“Ahh, that’s Lenny. He actually is living in 1940’s. He sometimes start to yell things about German soldiers taking everything from his house, saying that war takes everything from everyone. When he’s calm he’s pretty cool guy. He knows lots of stuff about 1940’s and World War II.”

“You have talked to him?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? It’s not like I could do something better in here,” he looked at me, more like checked me out, and smirked.

“Yeah,” it was kind of awkward between me and Alex now. Knowing all those things about him made me see him in completely different light. Now I understand his weird behavior and looking back at all those years we’ve spent together I see that he’s never been normal. He’s always been like this.

“Oh, see that girl?” he leaned closer, eyes glistening in anticipation.

I turned my head in the direction Alex was looking, seeing young girl around twenty five or so sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs and holding a doll. To be more specific, she was rocking this doll back and forth, mumbling something I couldn’t hear from where she was sitting.

“Yeah, so?” I looked back at Alex.

“She lost her baby. The baby drowned in the bath. She wasn’t home and her boyfriend was giving a bath to the baby, he was drunk and passed out and the baby drowned. Lenny said she’s been here longer than he and he’s here for almost three years,” he spoke enthusiastically, like that would be the most exciting thing in the world, “she doesn’t speak to anybody besides that doll. I’ve seen her family here few times, but she doesn’t even look at them and one time when her mother tried to get her attention by tapping her shoulder, she started to scream. Her mother was too close to that doll and she screamed that no one is going to take her baby away, that she won’t let them, that she won’t let anyone to even look at her baby. Doctors gave her some tranquilizers and took her away.”

“Okay, that is creepy. That would scare the shit out of me.”

“She’s not dangerous as long as you stay away from her baby. The thing I don’t get is why they let her keep that doll. If they really wanted to help her, they would take that doll away and make her see reality. She’s living in her little pretty world where everything is alright and they’re not doing anything about that!”

“Why do you worry about her that much?”

“I’m not worrying about her, I’m worrying about me. They’re not helping here. They don’t want anyone to get better.”

“Maybe she’s just gone too far, maybe they were trying at first, but later they…I don’t know, don’t ask me questions like that.”

“I didn’t ask you anything,” he smiled getting up from his chair and sitting down on my lap, “I was just saying,” he put his head on top of mine, his hands loosely hanging around my neck, “you know you should bring me some clothes. I really hate these ones.”

“Is that allowed?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, his fingers starting to play with my hair, “Lenny said that they allow that, if there is someone out there who would do that. They also allow visitors to bring shampoos and soup and things like that. I really miss my shampoo and hair conditioner. My hair looks like shit with their stuff,” he chuckled.

“I’ll bring them next time.”

“Good.”

As long as I didn’t think about what those hands had done and what’s happening in his head, this felt nice. Just having him this close, hearing his voice and feeling his fingers in my hair. It felt good and he knew that. He knew that too well.

“Your mom called me yesterday.”

“Mm,” another hum, didn’t sound that he was interested in that, “she was here yesterday.”

“Really? She asked me some things about this place, about visiting hours, but she didn’t mention about coming here so soon.”

“Yeah well, she did.”

“And?”

“Nothing,” he took his head off of mine and looked me in the eyes.

“What do you mean – nothing? Didn’t she say anything?”

“She did. She blames herself for this. Said that she wasn’t good mother that she didn’t see this coming and things like that,” his face was completely blank as was his voice, like he didn’t care about what she thought about him, “she even started to cry here. God, that was terrible,” he huffed.

“Right.”

“It’s not like there would be something wrong with me so there’s nothing she should blame herself for!” he looked past me, his eyes searching for something in the room.

“Alex, babe,” I put my hands on his cheeks to make him look at me, “please, just accept the fact that you are sick. Please.”

“I like when you call me ‘babe’,” he smiled.

I sighed, dropping my hands from his face. He just doesn’t want to see that. He’s just like that girl. He doesn’t want to see reality and if he will stay in his little pretty world, he’ll be here just as long as that girl.

---

“What’s been bothering you, Alex?” she walked around her table, with her note book in her hands and stood next to the couch I was lying on.

She looked like always, the same white hospital gown, her dark brown hair was pulled in tight pony tail, the same black shoes, only today she seemed more annoying than before. Does she really have to ask what’s been bothering me? Like it wouldn’t be obvious. I’ve been locked up here, bored to death, I can’t sleep, here’s nothing to do and she’s asking me what’s bothering me? She is bothering me! Nurses are bothering me! The girl with her goddamn doll is bothering me! This whole place is bothering me! But that’s not what she wants to hear. She wants to hear normal things.

“I’ve been having problems with sleep.”

“Really? For how long?” she took one of her chairs and placed it next to the couch so she could sit next to me. Oh, that’s your mistake, lady.

“For the past three nights.”

“And why’s that? Some thoughts are interrupting your sleep?”

Goddamn it! You know what is wrong with me! It’s all written in my file and you know pretty well that I’m using sleeping pills since I was sixteen. How the hell you expect me to sleep if I don’t get any of those now?

“Yeah, there have been some thoughts.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

She just can’t be more annoying, right? She really doesn’t care, she gets paid for asking those questions over and over again. The same questions, the same monotone voice, only people changes, but she stays the same. Even her fucking hair looks the same way every day. Does she even go home? She probably doesn’t have a husband or children. People like she doesn’t. She’s all for her work. Probably has a cat, because they don’t need too much attention, they’re happier if they’re left alone. Perfect animals for people like she.

“Alex?”

“Do you have a cat?”

“I…what?”

Ha! Didn’t expect that, did you? No answer for that? Don’t have that written in your stupid note book, right?

“Yes, I do have a cat, but that has nothing to do with you and your case.”

I knew that! There’s just nothing that would surprise me in this place and that’s the worst. Jacky wouldn’t like the things I’m thinking. Things I want to do, but he doesn’t understand how much I need it to keep my last bits of sanity.

“It actually kind of does.”

“Really? Why?” her voice is so, so…she would be so much more bearable if I just ripped her tongue out, but there’s a risk she would choke on her blood. Not that it would be a bad thing, less problems for me, but that wouldn’t be fun.

“There’s just so many thoughts in my mind. There’s nothing to do in this place. I already have read all books they have here, I’ve done all crosswords and there’s no new to do. I know everything about everyone here and it’s boring.”

“But why does that make it harder for you to fall asleep?”

Either she’s really stupid or really annoying and just doesn’t know when to stop.

“Because I need to do something.”

“And you’re thinking about that at night?”

“I’m thinking about that now too, only now it’s not time to sleep so it doesn’t bother me that much.”

“And what exactly are you thinking?”

“Right now or at nights?”

“Right now.”

“How easy it would be to kill you.”

“Alex, we’re not going there.”

“Oh, but we already are there. It’s too late for you to turn back.”

“Alex…” finally! I had waited for that tone in her voice to change for weeks! There was finally something else, something that I had craved for so long. Fear. She knows who I am, what I had done and what I’m capable of.

“You know you’re sitting way too close to me and it is really dangerous,” I said quietly, watching as her whole body tensed at my words. She thinks I didn’t notice it, but I did. I notice everything, “I know you have scissors in the top drawer of your desk. I don’t like scissors, but if you don’t have a knife in here then scissors will do too.”

“Alex, you want me to tell you what will happen to you if you do that?”

“What can be worse than this? They won’t kill me, it’s illegal here. The only problem might be Jacky, but I’ll talk to him, he’ll forgive me.”

She falls off of her stupid chair as my knee collides with her temple, her note book falling out of her hands as I quickly got up from the couch and straddle her. She looks half unconscious. God, she’s weak, who let her to work here! I hit her in all the right spots to make her as weak and as incapable to move as possible. I just need less than minute to get the duct tape and scissors from her table.

God, that feels great. I feel alive. It feels like in a hot summer day when you’re so thirsty that every liquid looks good, but when you finally get that cold glass of water and you feel it everywhere in your body. It feels like blood in my body is circulating again, like everything in my body was stopped before, nothing was moving, but now it feels great again, now everything is doing what they need to do. My heart is beating, my muscles are moving [shit, my hands will hurt like hell tomorrow], my mind is clearing and that’s what I needed.

Blood running from her nose and eyebrow signals that it is too much. She won’t be like these fourteen. Not that there were any chance that she would. I don’t have that much time and I don’t have everything I need. She will be one of those eight. She will be number nine. To satisfy my thirstiness. To clear my mind and make those thoughts to go away. For a while.

I get up and walk over to her desk, running my fingers over my bloody knuckles, enjoying the feeling of sticky and warm mixture covering them. I hear her sniffles and some shuffling when I open the top drawer and take out her scissors and duct tape. Why does she even have that? Was she planning on killing someone here?

“You know what was your problem?” I ask her, walking back to her, placing duct tape and scissors next to her and straddling her thin waist, “I never liked you. Even though I haven’t liked anyone besides Jack, which is quite weird, but you could’ve at least tried. But you didn’t,” I cut some part of the duct tape to place it over her stupid mouth, “Now you will finally shut up. I’ve been waiting for you to shut up since our first session,” I say leaning closer to her ear and feeling her whole body tensing up even more, “you never did and now you’re here. You should’ve stopped talking. For five minutes. That would’ve been enough and then maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation,” I take scissors from the floor and check the blades against my finger, “they’re not sharp, but that would be only your problem. It will hurt more.”

Her eyes widened at my words, sending warm feeling through my body. God, I love when they look like that.

“You really didn’t believe that I would somehow kill you before cutting you open? I love to hear them, you know. It will be hard to hear you, because of this thing,” I run my fingers over the duct tape covering her lips, “but we can’t risk for someone out there to hear you, can we? And actually I will not go even close to your stomach. That’s not what I’m planning,” I whispered.

I sit back and look down at her. I really shouldn’t be wasting my time, but I really need to see her blood and hear her scream. Not that she will scream as loud as I would like to, but she will try. If I just cut her throat she won’t be screaming, but I need this. I need blood and I need to hear her trying to scream. Therefor I need to cut her arm before I move to her throat.

“This might hurt, honey,” I take her hand in mine, only to feel her pulling away, trying to pull her hand out of my grip, “if you won’t stay still, it will only hurt more,” I pull scissors up and down her arm few times before pressing the blades down harder.

Her muffled screams are like music to my ears. It’s equally beautiful to those thousand kids singing Therapy. And those blood from her freshly opened wound. They’re covering her white skin in beautiful red color and I just stare, keeping my fingers wrapped around her arm and looking how her blood run down on my fingers, embracing them in their warm, red color.

It still surprises me. The way human body functions. It will be different for everyone. Some would cry and yell like I would be burning them alive, even if I just cut their arm. Some wouldn’t even blink an eye at that while others would pass out and I will need to wait for them to wake up to continue my work. Also blood is different. The color and how fast they flow. Hers are pretty normal, not too bright or dark and they don’t flow too fast nor too slow. She’s even boring when it comes to her blood and that’s one of the things I love the most.

I run my fingers down her arm along the line of her new wound. It’s red and warm and sticky, but at the same time so smooth. Some of her muffled sniffles comes out louder than I would like,

“Shh, it’s not that bad hon,” I look up at her blood and tear stained face, “it will get worse, but then you won’t be even able to try to scream. You will try, but there will be no sounds coming out of your…”

“Oh my God! Kelly! Call for Carl!” some man yells, Kelly lets out another sob and this man pulls me off of her, “you really can’t keep your hands to yourself, Gaskarth, can you?” he huffs.

“It wouldn’t be so much fun then, right?” I spin around and stab the scissors in his arm. Damn this guy is huge, pretty close to Zack, “oops, missed your throat,” I sneer, but this guy is too tough to give up. His other hand seems to gain strength when the other is injured. He grabs me by my throat and pushes me against the wall with so much force that all air is pushed out of my lungs.

“Wait till they give you all the right drugs. You’ll love it then, trust me,” he smiled.

“Just don’t kill him. You want to be where he is?”

So this is Carl. Another well-built man. Do they have only guys like those two? Well, there might be a good reason for that, but not in my and my throats situation.

“He deserves this and you know that.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’m going to take him to his room.”

Three nurses and a doctor run into Kelly’s office as we exit. This Carl seemed really rude, holding my hand way to tight and pushing me like I wouldn’t be able to walk by myself.

“You know I can walk easily without you pushing me after every two steps,” I said. Fuck, my throat hurts.

“You wish,” he glared at me, “look, they’re waiting for you,” he said in faked happiness.

I looked over where he was looking and saw two nurses waiting outside of my room.

“Put him on the bed and hold.”

Fuck, they’re really going to drug me. I know what they’re giving in places like this and I don’t need that. I don’t need to be addicted to their stuff. I don’t want any of that in my blood system.

I tried to get out of Carl’s grasp, I tried to push him away, I tried to push away this nurse with needle in her hand, but this Carl was strong, holding my hands down and somehow managing to turn my head so that nurse would have clear spot on my neck to stick that needle in me.

“You will regret it!”

“Are you threatening her, Gaskarth? You’re not in the right place to do that,” goddamn this Carl, he’s going to be next. I hope, he’s next if I don’t get to this nurse first.

Their medicaments are strong. It feels like with the best sleeping pills. So warm and fuzzy around. Everyone feels so close, but at the same time so far away and Carl’s hands holding me feels so welcoming now.

“Just close your eyes and stop struggling. You lost this battle.”

“But I didn’t lose the war,” I mutter and let the sleep to pull me in.

Notes

sooo...I don't know about you but for some weird reason I love this thing ;D