Holly shit, he looks bad. He’s been here for only two months and he already looks like those crazy people you see in the movies. He was wearing his black sweatpants I brought him few weeks ago and white t-shirt, his hair is a mess, and that says a lot, because, come on, it’s Alex! He was sitting on one of the couches in the visiting area, legs pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them, as much as that was possible because of the handcuffs around his wrists, chin pressed in his knees and he was staring at something. Something only he could see.

His doctor told me about what he did. Or tried to do. That girl is alive, but that doesn’t change the fact that he actually tried to do that. They’ve been giving him some tranquilizers to keep him calm, but if this state he’s in is calm then I don’t like that. He barely looks alive. Like some weird statue placed on the couch.

“Alex?” I carefully sit down next to him.

He slowly turns his head to the direction my voice came from and it took him almost thirty seconds to place his eyes on me. Small and tired smile appeared on his face.

“Hey, Jacky,” he whispered, voice weak and hoarse, “I told you they’re not helping here,” he leaned closer to me, practically falling on me due to the lack of balance, ”they’re trying to kill me.”

“You didn’t need to do what you tried and they would leave you alone,” I pulled him closer so that it would be more comfortable for both of us to sit, with practically all his weight on me.

“I had to, Jacky. I had to.”

I pressed my chin in his hair and sighed. He’s never going to get better. If killing someone is the only thing that kept him sane then he’s stuck here forever. They’re never going to let him do that here. They’ll just drug him, lock him in his room and probably will never take those handcuffs off. I wanted to believe that he’ll get better, that he’ll get out of here, but it is never going to happen. That’s just the way he is. They can give him medicines, they can send him to therapies, but they can never change who he is, they can’t change the way he’s thinking.

“I want to go home,” Alex said. If his voice wouldn’t be so hoarse, it would be a perfect whine.

“You can’t, Alex.”

“You don’t love me,” he sighed.

“I do, that’s why you need to stay here. It’s better for you.”

“Really? I don’t feel better.”

I look around the room and see that guy Lenny staring at us. From the way he looks I would think that he doesn’t like me. He doesn’t look, it’s not even staring. He glares like I would be his enemy number one. Thinking back to what Alex said about him living in 1940’s I just really hope that in this moment he is in nowadays, not in the time when everyone was enemy.

“I’m sorry, but I think it would be better if we’d take him back to his room,” some nurse has appeared by my side with two muscly men behind her.

I look down at Alex and see his eyes closed, face calm and breath even. Whether he’s asleep or really close to that.

“Yeah, I guess,” I nod and let the men to took Alex by his arms and practically carry him away, “so you’re just going to drug him so he’s not capable of anything?” I asked the nurse who is still here.

“We just do what the doctor says.”

---

“Jack, you have to do that! You can’t hide from the world forever!” Rian said while making the dinner.

“I’m not hiding, I just don’t want to talk about that. You know that just as well as I do that most of the questions, if not all, will be about Alex and I don’t want to talk about that!”

“Well, yeah. It probably will be about Alex, but you know more than I do. Or Zack. You have to come!”

“I’m not leaving Alex here alone!”

“Jack, in the state he’s in now he wouldn’t even notice that,” he came to the table and stood in front of that.

“He’s not stupid, he will notice.”

“Really? The guy is drugged so much that even a blank wall seems interesting to him! Come on, Jack! Stop being like this!”

“Like what?”

“Responsible. You were never like this and now with all this happening you’re too responsible. You don’t have a life. Not that you ever had because there were always Alex, but that’s not the point! The point is that you have to let him go…”

“He’s not dead,” I muttered, looking down at the table.

“The Alex you knew is dead. That guy in that hospital is not Alex we knew and you have to let him go. He will never change and you’re just wasting your time with him.”

“Will I be irresponsible enough if I go to New York?”

“That will be a start,” he smiled, turned around and returned to our dinners.

“When will we be back?”

“I don’t know. It’s two or three days there.”

“Great,” I huffed and put my head on the table.

How am I going to tell this to Alex? He’s really not in the best state to understand most of the things. I could tell him that we’re going to New York, but he’ll ask why. If I tell him that we’re having few interviews that will probably circle around him, he won’t like it, because he’s part of the band too and he wouldn’t like the fact that we’re going without him. If I don’t say anything at all and just disappear, he will go crazy.

“Will you get the doors when Cass and Zack gets here?”

---

“I’m sorry, but right now you can’t talk to him, but we will give him you’re message, Mr. Barakat,” Alex’s doctor said.

“Fine, then tell him that I won’t be here for the next three days, but I’ll visit him when I’ll get back.”

“Okay, we’ll tell him.”

“Okay…how is he?” I asked, unsure about the answer. I don’t want him to say that he’s still like he was when I saw him last time, but I also don’t want him to say that he’s back to his old self. That would only mean he can do what he wants again.

“He’s not so much under the medicine right now, we’re giving him less, but he’s still pretty…sleepy. He’ll be good though. After those three days he should be perfectly fine.”

“Okay, thank you.”

---

Three days, three interviews and three meet and greats. Of course, every interviewer’s favorite topic was to talk about Alex. It’s easy for them to talk about it if they weren't there. If they know only what internet and news says. They don’t know what he says. They don’t know how he looks there, with handcuffs around his wrists and empty eyes. They don’t know what kind of company he has there so of course it’s interesting for them to talk about that.

“Jack, you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Zack asks me for like twentieth time.

“No. I’ll drop the bag at home and go to Alex’s. Maybe I’ll join you later.”

Maybe. I’m not sure I’ll want to see anyone after I see Alex. If he’ll be like he was a week ago then I definitely wouldn’t want to join them. I will better spend the night at home and alone, blaming myself for letting this all to happen. I’ve known him for what feels like forever and I never noticed anything, I never thought that his weird behavior would be something bigger than just being arrogant.

I unlock the doors and step inside of the house. It feels almost good. If I don’t think about Alex, but he’s always on my mind. I was so used to him being around all the time and now he’s not. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do, because Alex always had something to do, there was always something to do when he was around.

“Where were you?” cold voice stops me when I have almost reached the stairs, my head turning towards it to see Alex sitting in the living room with a glass of orange juice in his hand.

“Alex. Wha…what are…why are you here?”

“Where were you?” he repeats, putting the glass down on the coffee table.

“I told you, I…”

“You didn’t tell me anything, Jay,” he says in horrifyingly calm voice.

“I told your doctor, he…he said they’ll…they’ll tell you,” I stuttered. Calm down, calm the fuck down, Jack! It’s just Alex! You know Alex!

“They didn’t tell me anything.”

“Maybe you just don’t remember because of…of all the medicines they gave you.”

“Where the hell were you!” he yells, making me jump back. He’s like fire – fast and unpredictable.

“Alex, calm down, okay?” I try to regain a calm voice, but my shaking hands are giving it away and he probably knows it. He knows everything.

“Just tell me where you were, Jay. I don’t ask that much, do I?” his voice is calm again as he gets up from the couch and slowly comes closer.

“We were in New York.”

“We. Who are we?”

“Rian, Zack…”

“Oh, I hate those two,” he mutters, “why were you in New York?”

“We…had few interviews…” I say in small voice as he stops in front of me, glaring at me like Lenny did a week ago.

“You had few interviews,” it’s not even a question, “without me?”

“Alex, you…you were in the hospital and…”

“I could’ve left, you know. You could’ve said something to me, but you just disappear! You think I didn’t worry about you? You could’ve been dead and I wouldn’t know that!”

“I’m sorry, Alex. You were just in a really bad state and…”

“I know in what kind of state I was! You saw what they did to me and you just left me!”

“I didn’t leave you!”

“Oh, stop it Jack! We both know that since you found out about all this you’ve been just waiting for the right moment to leave and now you had the chance!”

“I didn’t leave you, Alex,” I put my hands on his shoulders, “babe, I love you and I would never leave you, okay?”

“I like when you call me ‘babe’,” he smiled and hugged me.

Of course, you do. It looks like word ‘babe’ is enough for him to forget about anything else.

“How did you get out?”

“I walked out. Took my files, deleted all the footages with us from their cameras and left,” he said like it would be that easy.

“Okay. And how exactly did you do that?”

“I didn’t kill anyone, if that’s what you’re worrying about.”

---

“Alex, you can’t stay here. You don’t think this will be the first place they’ll look?” I asked him the same night. He was cuddled against me, head hidden in my neck, his hot breath sending shivers down my spine.

“Yeah, but I have enough time for that.”

“Care to explain?” I took his hand in mine and intertwined our fingers.

“They don’t have anything that would prove I was there so it will take them at least two days.”

“And when did you…walked out of there?”

“Last night.”

“Soo…you have one night here?”

“Mhm…”

“And what will you do after that?”

“You’ll see, Jay,” he sighed. It doesn’t sound good if that’s his answer.

He wrapped his arms tighter around me, dropping his leg over mine. This was Alex I knew. This was Alex I fell in love with. This was Alex who annoyed the shit out of me but always managed to make it better again. This was Alex who was ready to drop everything just to run to me when I called. But this will never be just this Alex. There will always be this part of him I didn’t want to see. The part that scared me. Made me want to run. Made me want to call the police, the mental hospital, but I didn’t and maybe that’s for the best. He looks better when he's out.

---

“Morning, beautiful,” Alex’s sweet morning voice broke into my dream world.

“Leave me alone,” I pushed him away.

“I made you breakfast,” he cooed, leaning closer to me and kissing my neck.

“Okay, that will do,” I pushed him away for the second time and sat up.

“And that’s why I love you,” he laughed, climbing out of the bed.

“Why, because I love food?”

“That’s the part of the love,” he put his hand out for me to take it and then it all came back.

This wasn’t our traditional lazy morning with Alex I knew. This was morning with Alex who had escaped from mental hospital. The hand waiting for mine has killed, has held a knife against innocent people throats and has been stained with their blood.

“Jack?”

And those eyes. Now they look warm, but how would they look when he’s looking at his next victim? How do they look when he’s gone too far to control himself? Do they glisten the same way as they do just before he goes on stage? Does his eyes smile the same way they smile when he meets his fans?

“Jack, you’re alright?”

“Yeah…I’m fine.”

His eyes burned deep inside my soul like reading every thought I have on my mind.

“If you say so,” he said, but it didn’t sound like he would believe me, “come. It will all be cold if you move so slow.”

---

It didn’t take long for the news about Alex’s escaping to get on the television and internet. He looked calm. He looked like a person who would be looking weather news not news about his escaping. It was obvious that they’ll notice and will look for him and he knew that, but he still looked too calm in this situation.

“Jack, could you please go to the store and buy these thing?” he handed me a list in his messy handwrite.

“Alex, I don’t want to go. Not now.”

“Go,” he said in a stern voice and practically pushed me towards the doors.

“Alex…”

“Go,” he whispered and pressed his lips against mine, putting everything he could in that kiss, “Goodbye, Jack.”

This is it. This is how it will end. Is this how I will remember him? With tears in his eyes, but still trying to hold his façade up?

I don’t even want to think of what he’s planned. I don’t want to see him back in that hospital. I don’t want to see him in the prison or killed. I want to turn back the time and…but what would I do? Alex is sick and there’s nothing I could do about that. I could stay away from him, find someone else to be best friends with. But there were no one else who could be that amazing as Alex, that’s why I chose him. He was all I needed. All I ever wanted.

---

He knew this day will come. Sooner or later but will. That was his plan, that’s why he left all the bodies to be found. He wanted to get caught. He wanted for the world to know who he is. He wanted everyone to see what he had done and he did it. The world knows his name, world knows what he had done, the world had seen it.

The only thing that wasn’t in his plan was Jack. He didn’t need to be a part of this. He didn’t need to meet Jack. He didn’t need to drag him along. Jack deserved better life. Life with someone normal. Life with someone who could be there with him after Alex is gone. Rian and Zack doesn’t count. They don’t love Jack like he does and that’s why he hated them. They didn’t understand how amazing he is, how gorgeous he is. They always made fun of him even when he didn’t deserve it. He needed to get rid of them the day they met, but he never did that. Why? Because Jack liked them. Because Jack thought they would be perfect for the band.

He have this day planned out since he was seventeen. He didn’t want it to be so soon but he knew it will come. He knew that this day, the day when he needs to take that infectious needle out of its hiding place, will come. He just somehow hoped that Jack wouldn’t be there. He hoped that he wouldn’t need to hurt Jack. He had spent all his life trying to protect him and now he’s the one who needs to hurt him the most.

He took the needled with white liquid in it and the little note. The note he had wrote to Jack many years ago. When he wasn’t so deep lost in his own fantasy world. When he still understood what is good and what’s not. When he understood that he’s sick and he needs help, but he never asked. Rereading it now, it looks stupid to him, but he knows that Jack will understand and forgive him. He always does.

He sticks the little note to the fridge and goes back to their room. This is the room that holds so much memories. This room has everything. The good and the bad. He remembers the times when he made Jack angry, when he locked himself in this room and yelled at Alex to go away. He remembers the times when they were so lost in each other that for a moment Alex thought he’s normal. These were the only moments when he didn’t have that need. The need for blood and screams. Maybe that’s the reason he stuck with Jack. He let him be normal.

He pulls the sleeve of his hoodie up and sticks the needle in his arm. He don’t want to think anymore. He don’t want to feel the need. He wants Jack. He wants to be in this room forever. He wants his last breath to hold Jack’s scent.

His head feels dizzy and his eyes feels heavy. With the last strength he rolls under the covers and hides his face in Jack’s pillow. The eyes that Jack loved so much closes forever. Those eyes were never meant to see red, they were never meant to see tears and fear in innocent people faces and they never will. No one will ever look in those eyes through tears.

---

Jack,
I know it is too late to say this to you, but I’m sick. I know I need help, but I’m scared. I’m scared that you will never love me if you’d find out. I’m scared that my mom would forget about me or blame herself for that. It’s no one’s fault.
I don’t want you to blame yourself because even if you would’ve known, there’s nothing you could do. I want you to tell the same to my mom, dad, Rian and Zack. No one can help me.
I’m sorry if I have ever hurt you. I didn’t mean to.
I’m sorry Jack. I love you.
Alex.
04.15.2006.

Notes

This is it. That's all I have.
I'm sorry I did it...
but this!!! this song!!! I don't know but this story in my head has this song as a background music ;D