POV: Alex

No… NO! Oh my God, why is this happening? What the fuck did Jack ever do to deserve this? Why can’t it have been me that was hit by that car?!

There were so many questions circling in my head, tearing me apart, as I knelt there in the middle of the road. I was more hysterical than ever as I held Jack’s unresponsive body close to me and just cried my fucking eyes out.

The piercing sound of sirens was getting more deafening by the second, but they weren’t enough to drown the resounding questions echoing in my head. But I instinctively knew the single answer to all of them...

This is Karma.

I just know that losing Jack is my punishment for taking him for granted… For using him and destroying everything we had together. But Jack is just a victim in this cruel system… He doesn’t deserve to be punished too! It’s not fucking fair!

My frantic thoughts had taken over my mind and turned into silent prayers to the heavens above…

‘Please take me, not Jack! Don’t punish him for the mistakes I’ve made! If you give me another chance, I promise I won’t fuck things up again! If you give Jack another chance to live, I’ll make things right... I promise I’ll never hurt him again…’

I had been oblivious to my surroundings and the fact that there were actually dozens of people standing around and just watching on in pity. But I was suddenly brought back to reality with a vivid flash of white light.

I looked up in confusion, almost expecting to see a car coming straight for me, like it did for Jack. But there wasn’t one. The traffic seemed to have come to a stop. No one was answering my prayers and punishing me like I was asking. Nobody’s listening…

All of a sudden, another bright flash blinded me and I recoiled a little in a slight panic, wondering what the fuck was going on. I searched my surroundings with wide eyes, even though my vision was distorted from my endless tears, before finally resting on a group of people standing a few metres away holding cameras in their hands that were aimed directly at me and Jack.

Oh shit, it’s a camera flash... Pictures at a fucking tragic time like this?!

“Have some fucking respect!” I choked angrily, resisting the rash urge to scream “fuck you!”

Once again, nobody seemed to listen to me… In fact, they completely ignored me. More people actually pulled their cameras out and pointed them in our direction.

I buried my face in Jack’s chest, trying to escape the flashes that were driving me insane in my erratic state of mind. And for a moment, as I lay with my ear pressed against Jack’s chest, I did escape. My anger seemed to disintegrate inside of me and everything just seemed to fade away; I was becoming absorbed in the sound and feel of his heart beating weakly beneath me.

He was still alive, but I knew he was only holding on by a thread and I could feel my own heart growing weaker with his. The thread he was hanging on was close to breaking, and so was I. I pretend I’m holding on. His heart was my lifeline though.

I was so entranced that I didn’t even realise that the paramedics had finally arrived and were dispersing the crowd to get to Jack. The only reason I even fell back into reality was because I felt one of them pat me on the shoulder.

“Sir, please stand aside,” he commanded to me firmly.

I looked up slowly to find myself surrounded by three paramedics.

I was a little hesitant to leave Jack, but I knew that I had no choice; they were the only ones that could save him now.

One of the paramedics extended his hand to me and I reluctantly cooperated and managed to pull myself to my feet from where I was just collapsed in a heap on the floor next to Jack.

As soon as I was out of the way, standing helplessly on the sidelines, two of the paramedics took my place beside Jack. They lowered a stretcher onto the floor and smoothly lifted his motionless body onto it. It felt surreal as I watched in horror as they carried the stretcher to the ambulance.

I was finding it a challenge to remain standing upright because I was trembling so much from head to foot, shivering from the cold, due to the fact that I was traumatised and still soaking wet from falling into the river.

It's ironic that I fell in the river... I didn’t jump in the end, because the moment I turned and saw Jack standing there I knew I couldn’t leave him; I knew I had to face the mistakes I had made and not run away from them. But the sound of his scared voice startled me and I turned a little too abruptly on the wall, losing my balance.

The icy river engulfed me immediately, freezing my heart for a moment. The current was strong and the river was deep; I thought I was a goner for sure. But then the sound of car tires screeching to a sudden halt carried all the way to the river and echoed inside my head, followed by several high-pitched screams.

I actually knew what had happened, because when the car hit Jack, I felt it. I felt that our connection, the special bond we’d always shared, was dying. And I needed to save it…

So, somehow I managed to find the strength inside of me to fight the flowing water and swim to the side, driven purely by the desperate need to save Jack… But I was too late.

I can't save Jack now... His life is in the hands of the paramedics now...

“This way, sir,” the same paramedic as before spoke loudly to me, putting his arm round my waist to help guide me towards the ambulance, after Jack.

“Is he going to be alright?” I cried in a strangled voice, looking sideways at the man with anxious eyes swimming with desperation as I took uneven steps.

Hope was the only thing remaining inside my hollow chest. Even though tragedy had struck, I was just about keeping the faith…

“I’m sorry, I can’t say anything for certain yet,” he replied reluctantly, causing my heart to grow impossibly weaker as the hope faded considerably.

We finally reached the ambulance and the paramedic guy helped me inside and over to a seat in the corner. I barely noticed him put a towel round me because I was fixated on Jack, lying only a couple of metres away from me on a bed, while two paramedics watched over him and inspected the full extent of the damage caused.

The ambulance started to drive away at full speed and I sat there, just listening in horror to the paramedics conversing about Jack’s condition.

“There is an open wound on the back of his head, where he appears to have suffered quite severe damage. His brain must be swelling quite quickly, judging from his current unconscious state,” the first one observed loudly, but fairly calmly, in a professional manner.

I was feeling anything but calm. My heart was pounding fast and hard inside my chest, as panic alarms sounded inside my head.

Oh God, his brain is swelling? I’m no doctor, but that can’t be good…

“Of course if his brain swells too much, he won’t be able to breathe,” the same paramedic continued in a low voice, probably to prevent me from hearing, but it didn’t work; all my senses had heightened massively with the fear inside of me and my hearing was sharper than ever. “He needs to be taken into intensive care and hooked up to the life support machine as soon as possible.”

Intensive care...? How long will he need a life support machine to survive? What if he ends up needing it forever? Forever is a long time; one day they would have to turn it off…

I began slowly drifting away into my own painful thoughts that were torturing me with the idea of losing Jack forever. I wish I was strong enough to breathe without you in my life.

What would I do without him? What would I have to live for...?

I remember all those years ago that Jack was the one person who promised me when I was a suicidal alcoholic that he would never let me fall… And even after three years, he managed to keep that promise tonight. He ended up taking the fall for me, even after everything I’ve put him through. It’s like he sacrificed himself to save me…

I wish he had just broken his promise and let me go. He deserves to live… I don’t.

But if he doesn't make it, I won’t let his death be in vain… I can’t just let it all be for nothing. I’ll keep living because it’s what he would have wanted. But it’s not what I want. My life without you in it is a life that’s not worth living.

I realised how tight my chest had become at the thought alone of living in a world without my best friend and the love of my life, but I didn’t realise just how frantic my heartbeat had become. I found myself fighting to keep up with it and catch my breath. I was still shaking all over and getting dangerously close to hyperventilating; it was plain to see that I was falling apart on the outside as well as the inside. Inside I start to fall apart.

“Here, breathe into this,” the paramedic beside me suddenly said, noticing my erratic breathing pattern and handing me a paper bag.

I took the bag and did what I was told in an attempt to calm myself down and not fully hyperventilate, because I knew I was only moments away from passing out.

“Do you need to lie down?” He asked me, concerned.

I shook my head strongly, not wanting to distract the other paramedics and make them lose focus on Jack by worrying about me. There was ultimately nothing they could do to help me anyway… There’s no cure for a broken fucking heart. I’ll bleed in silence.

The paramedic man nodded and then asked, “what’s your name, sir?”

“Alex,” I answered, breathing into the bag in deep, slow breaths.

My voice sounded intangible, like it wasn’t even mine. I was feeling disconnected from myself, because I was feeling detached from Jack. I could feel myself drifting further and further away with very passing second, losing myself. I wish I was someone else, anyone but me.

“Alex, is there anyone you would like me to contact for you when we reach the hospital?” The paramedic continued to question me, forcing me to concentrate and not lose focus on everything, like I was close to doing in my state of panic.

I shook my head hesitantly.

The thought of seeing Rian or Zack was not appealing to me. I was a coward; I couldn’t face them… I couldn’t face the questions I knew they would ask. I would just break down all over again if they forced me to remember everything that had happened in the last few hours.

I wanted to forget the lie that Lisa told that ruined my life and turned me into the broken man I am now and always will be from this day onwards.

I wanted to erase the memory of losing my ongoing battle with my inner demons, because what I did to Jack truly kills me.

I wanted to disregard the reality that I tried to drown myself to escape the pain of my mistakes and disappear so I couldn’t hurt him anymore... But I didn’t escape from myself and now I never will. I wish I was anyone but me.

“Are you sure there’s no one who can stay with you to keep you company?” The man persisted worriedly.

The only company I wanted was Jack.

I knew the guys needed to find out the awful news at some point, and I would have to face them some time... But right now I couldn't deal with it. Not yet.

“I’ll ring them later,” I replied monotonously.

And if they asked me questions that hurt too much, I just wouldn’t answer. I'd never tell anyone the whole tragic story of what happened tonight. My life is smoke and mirrors.

Finally, after what seemed to be longest journey of my life, we arrived at the hospital. The ambulance came to an abrupt stop and two of the paramedics pushed open the back doors immediately, lifting Jack off the bed on his stretcher and carrying him off into the hospital hurriedly. I had to fight the urge to run after them as Jack quickly disappeared from view, leaving me feeling lost and empty. Here I stand all alone tonight.

“The waiting room is just through those doors,” the remaining paramedic told me attentively, pointing to a different set of doors to the ones Jack had just been taken through. “I have to go, but if you take a seat in there, I will be sure to keep you informed.”

How can I just take a seat and wait at a time like this? I might explode with anticipation and anxiety…

I did what I was told, despite not wanting to, because I knew I had no choice. I headed towards the waiting room alone, feeling completely numb and sinking under the mounting pressure of this life and death situation.

***

Time was dragging more than ever while I waited as patiently as I could in the hospital waiting room for someone to come and tell me what was going on… Any news at all about Jack would do… But two hours had already passed and I had heard nothing. The paramedic was doing a fucking terrible job of 'keeping me informed'.

But then, all of a sudden, as I sat there absorbed in my own thoughts and worries, I was rudely interrupted by a familiar voice I was not quite prepared to hear just yet.

“What the fuck is going on?” He cried, startling me slightly.

I raised my gaze from the floor slowly and rested my vacant eyes on my brother, standing right in front of me. He was staring at me through anxious eyes and wearing an uncertain frown. Directly behind him were two more worried faces I recognised, but wasn’t expecting to see again yet either.

Well, the gang is all here… How the fuck did they find me?

Notes

You are all going to hate be but i wont be able to update for like a week. I'm doing this family thing and my great uncle (love him so) is having surgery so the family is going to see him. (no need to be sorry its nothing big he will be fine its just that he is old and all that jazz) SOOO ya!b also i told you alex and Jack will be together.. and they will! i swear!! but i just really want all the pain to be washed away from Jack sooooo i'm kinda giving him a break...don't hate me i swear!! and no, i'm not going to kill anyone off! i dont want to do that.
Song: Madina Lake (No 'here i stand' is NOT a frozen reference...)