POV: Alex

“We’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Rian told me in exasperation, holding his hands in the air dramatically, as if to say “where the fuck have you been?”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, wondering why the hell the guys would ever think to look for me here at the hospital… But I didn’t trust myself to say a word, for fear of choking.

Rian’s expression mirrored the frown on my face.

“What happened?” Zack asked me, peering round Rian’s shoulder to look at me with questioning eyes, but I averted my gaze to the floor and remained silent.

“You and Jack were on the news,” Rian informed me bluntly, momentarily breaking me out of my lost state of mind and making me suddenly lift my vacant eyes to meet Rian’s curious gaze.

“What?” I somehow managed to find my trapped voice. Because seriously, what the fuck?

“Yeah, we went to look for you and Jack back at the hotel and we were in reception when the headline ‘All Time Collision’ came on the TV,” Rian explained slowly, clearly still in a state of shock by the whole situation. “And there was a shitty quality video of you and Jack in the middle of the road surrounded by loads of people...”

I strained my memory back to everything that had happened tonight, forgetting that I was trying to block it all out, in an attempt to remember the part where the paparazzi showed up. But then vivid images started replaying repeatedly in my head and I literally felt like I was knelt down in the middle of the road again, holding my best friend as his body slowly shut down and he left me all alone. I felt the panic rise again inside of me as I fell under the false illusion that I had gone back in time and was reliving it all over again.

My breathing started getting heavier and I started trembling all over once again and the guys seemed to notice my increasing distress.

“Are you okay, Lex?” Rian asked me worriedly, coming over and taking the seat beside me. “What happened? Talk to me, please…”

Tell me what to say.

Rian put his hand on my trembling arm to try and comfort me, but I was numb to his touch. I couldn’t feel anything but the pain inside.

I swallowed a lump in my throat before choking out the words, “Jack's in intensive care.”

As soon as the words had left my mouth, my eyes started to fill with tears all over again. I thought I had already cried all the tears I possibly could, but speaking the harsh reality of the devastating situation brought them back again, making them suddenly stream down my cheeks more than ever.

Rian’s grip on my arm got a lot tighter all of a sudden, but he said nothing. He and Zack fell silent when I revealed the life-changing news that was powerful enough to shatter so many hearts. The world would be empty without Jack in our lives. I couldn’t even imagine a world without Jack in it.

"He's not... not dead though," Rian croaked after several minutes of silence.

I could feel Zack and Rian’s anxious eyes burning into me, but I didn’t meet their piercing gazes. I lowered my eyes to my lap.

“I don’t think so,” I replied slowly, fighting back the tears.

If Jack was already gone they would have told me… Right?

It seemed neither Zack nor Rian could think of any words of comfort. I looked round at them through blurry eyes, but none of them returned the stare; their eyes were identically wide in disbelief and glistening with tears too, focusing anywhere but on eachother.

I buried my face in my hands as I started to cry again uncontrollably. I knew I needed to pull myself together, but it was just so hard when my life had been torn apart. We were so strong, where did it all go wrong?

The tears seemed endless as the seconds dragged by, turning into minutes. I didn’t know if the guys were even still with me, because I felt more alone than ever. But then suddenly, I vaguely felt an arm on my shoulder, and I knew instinctively it belonged to Rian.

I lifted my head slowly to look at him. Staring at his weary, tear-stained face was like seeing my own reflection, but there was one difference between me and Rian: his eyes weren’t lifeless like mine. There was still a flicker of hope remaining in them.

“It’s not over yet,” he muttered shakily, pulling me close into his chest where I continued to sob. “Jack’s a fighter… Maybe he’ll pull through."

Well, I’m praying with all my heart that he does get past this. He just has to. I can’t stand, won’t stand, losing you.

Rian’s sense of hope seemed to give me the hope I needed to pull myself together. I took several deep, uneven breaths to finally regain composure as I wiped my tears away with my sleeve.

I remained in Rian’s comforting arms, hugging him out of desperation to stop the consuming sense of loneliness completely taking over me. I was actually starting to fall asleep into his arms, drifting off into another world inside my head where everything was fine. This reminded of the time when Tom died; Rian comforted me and said he would watch after me. That he would be my brother and that he would never leave. I guess he is a man of his worlds because here I am crying again. I managed to escape from the pain just for a moment, as I dreamt that Jack was perfectly safe, lying in my arms where he belonged.

I’m sitting here alone thinking it through, trying to convince myself that I’m not losing you…

But then, all of a sudden, the sound of a familiar voice speaking my name interrupted my dream, forcing me back into a reality where Jack was not in my arms, like he should be... He was slipping out of my reach and off the edge of this world.

“Alex?” My name sounded again and I blinked my tired eyes open to be blinded by the bright lights in the hospital waiting room.

Turning my head to the sound of my name, I laid eyes on the paramedic from before, who promised he would ‘keep me informed’ on Jack’s condition. Fear flooded through me after one look at the grave expression on his face and I jumped to my feet immediately. I looked at him with terrified eyes, as I waited for him to utter the words that would either end my life or revive it.

Is Jack dead?

My heart stopped beating for a moment and I held my breath in anticipation, hating the feeling of hanging in suspense.

“I’m afraid your friend has slipped into a coma,” the paramedic revealed apologetically, throwing my heart out of sync and my mind out of balance. “I’m sorry.”

…A coma?

His words seemed alien to me and I didn’t know how to react to them. I wasn’t anticipating hearing those words… I was expecting a final statement, either “he’s alive” or “he’s dead”. I wasn’t prepared to hear he’s basically stuck in between life and death.

On the one hand, I was relieved that Jack was not dead, but the other part of me was just inconsolable and incapable of seeing the bright side, because he wasn’t properly alive either. It was hard to see a silver lining to this dark cloud of desolation, when the only reason he was even breathing at all was just because of the life support machine.

“Oh my God!” Rian choked, breaking the brief, stunned silence.

“How did that happen?” Zack asked quietly, wearing an expression of horror, similar to mine.

The question is not ‘how?’, it is ‘why?’. Why the fuck is this happening to Jack? I just don’t understand… He has never done anything to deserve this!

“When your friend was hit by that car, the impact was so great that when he fell, he hit his head quite severely on the concrete ground, and that caused his brain to swell,” the paramedic explained knowledgably, but I didn’t want to hear it… I tried to block out what he was saying, because it was just too much for my weak heart to handle.

I wanted to pretend just for a moment that all of this never happened. I never touched alcohol; never took advantage of Jack; never tried to escape this life; never found my best friend lying in the middle of the road; never caused the man I love to be in a fucking coma. I know I may have made a few mistakes, but losing you is just too much for me to take.

I wish I turned to Jack first, instead of turning to the alcohol. Everything would have turned out right if I did that… Jack and I would be together right now, instead of living in different worlds. We need more time.

I suddenly seemed unable to make a sound. I was overwhelmed and sinking rapidly into a suffocating state of regret and grief. There was not one optimistic thought in my head… Not one positive vibe in my body… And I was losing myself in the never-ending void inside of me.

“The swelling is going down, thankfully, but it seems that his brain has moved a fraction of an inch inside his skull, and this kind of movement is what causes a person to fall into a coma,” I barely heard the paramedic continue to explain.

His words might have kept any remaining shred of hope alive inside of me, if I actually had any. But I was too far gone. It was like someone had pulled a plug inside of me and sucked any remaining faith right out of me. I could no longer see a light at the end of the tunnel… I was being consumed by the darkness, because Jack was getting further away from me. I’m praying for a lifeline ‘cause I’m losing you.

A long, deafening silence followed the devastating declaration of truth. I looked round at my shattered friends and band mates and I could practically hear their hearts breaking, like mine already had.

Zack was looking straight at the paramedic with wide, saddened eyes, and holding a hand over his mouth which was hanging open in shock.

Rian had his eyes closed and his lips pressed together, as if he was just trying to shut everything out, and he was shaking his head slowly as if he didn’t believe the truth. I could see that he was mere seconds away from breaking down just like I had done from the single tear that rolled down his cheek.

“I want to see him,” I suddenly declared in the strongest voice I could muster, taking everyone by surprise.

I needed reassurance that he was still breathing and confirmation that he was really in a vegetative state, because my head was all over the place and I couldn’t trust the word of anyone else. I needed to see for myself…

All eyes were suddenly on me, but I avoided them all and just continued to stare straight the paramedic. He looked doubtful, but I didn’t take his reluctance as the warning I probably should have done. In the end, he gave in and nodded slowly.

“Okay... Come with me,” he sighed, gesturing for me to follow as he started to walk away.

I walked away from the guys without so much as a backward glance, feeling numb as I followed the doctor in uneven steps.

I wasn’t really paying much attention to my surroundings as he took me down several corridors in the hospital; I was distracted by the almost unbearable rate of the pounding in my chest that I was trying to keep up with.

Then, suddenly, we came to a stop outside a door, which I guessed was Jack’s room. I couldn’t help but silently question my motives for wanting to see my best friend lying in a hospital bed in such an unstable condition then.

Is this really a good idea? It will surely destroy me to see Jack like that…

I almost changed my mind and turned back then, like the coward I really am. But then, I realised that I was already as heartbroken as I possibly could be and just to see Jack again was something I would die for anyway, so I had nothing to lose. I just needed to see his beautiful face again...

The doctor suddenly turned to me with an expression of sympathy on his face.

“Although your friend is in a coma, there is still a chance that he will be okay. I can’t promise you anything, but sometimes people do come around from comas eventually,” he offered me some comforting words, which I realised I did need to hear.

I needed a reason to believe… To keep breathing…

I nodded slowly, praying silently that Jack would be one of the fortunate people who do wake up from a coma some day.

Then, all of a sudden, the paramedic pushed open the door slowly and I stepped inside cautiously, holding my breath in anticipation once more, almost afraid of what I was going to see. My heart was beating weakly inside my chest, but as soon as I laid eyes on him lying motionlessly in the hospital bed, it picked up the pace, as if it was trying to make a desperate bid to escape and go straight to him.

I still felt numb and I couldn’t feel myself taking any steps towards him. The only reason I knew that I was, was because I was getting closer to him. But at the same time, I was still so far away. I had never felt so distant from him before in all the years I had known him. We were in different worlds now.

I stood by his bed and looked down at him lying there as if he was just in a peaceful sleep, and I had to resist the urge to shake his body in an attempt to wake him up. I wanted him to open his eyes and look back at me, but I knew he couldn’t. I instinctively remembered all those times when I would look up to find Jack’s eyes glued to me intently, and that was what I wanted now... But I knew I might never find him staring in my eyes again.

He might have fooled me that he was just sleeping if it wasn’t for the numerous wires going in and coming out of his skin. I only have a basic knowledge of hospital equipment, but I knew the wires in his arms were attaching him to a drip, in order to keep him hydrated, and I guessed that the wires attached to his head were monitoring his brain activity. I hated seeing him buried under so many wires, attached to various machines.

The constant ‘beep… beep’ sound of Jack’s heart monitor filled the square room, bouncing off the walls and resounding in my eardrums. I followed the wires coming from his chest with my eyes until I found the heart monitor on the other side of his bed. For a moment, I just watched the line on the screen climbing up to the top and then dropping suddenly with every beat of Jack’s heart. I was transfixed on the calmingly steady rhythm. I just knew that if I was the one attached to that machine the line would be going all over the fucking screen, because my heart rate was so out of sync.

I gradually brought my attention back to Jack and away from the heart monitor, slowly pulling a chair up to the bed beside him. I lowered myself into it, not once breaking my undivided focus on him. Then, I lifted a trembling hand and put it on top of his, intertwining my fingers with his.

“Jacky... I’m so sorry,” I whispered sadly, closing my eyes to try to fight the tears that were welling up in them once more.

I’ve heard that people in comas can sometimes hear what you say to them. I’ve never known if it’s true, but I just wanted to talk to Jack and pretend he was listening...

“This is all my fault.”

The last thing Jack said to me was he forgives me... But I don’t forgive myself and I can’t handle the overwhelming guilt I feel. I need a chance to change. It’s never going to go away; it will be a part of me forever.

“You’re going to pull through this. You’re going to be okay… You hear me?” I croaked, swallowing the lump in my throat that was determined to choke me. Are you giving up this fight? “I messed up. I took you for granted… And I ruined everything. But I need you, Jacky… You’re my whole life,” I cried, finally reopening my eyes and letting the tears break free again.

If Jack does pull through by some miracle, I don’t expect things to be the way they used to be between us. I don’t need him to love me back... He doesn’t even have to like me; I just need him in my life.

“I love you so much. And I will never stop loving you, because you are my soul mate... I know you are,” I told him in a broken voice in between shaky breaths.

I can’t help but feel like Jack is my soul mate, even though I don’t believe I am his… I am not good enough to be his one true love; he deserves so much better than me.

All of a sudden, the heart monitor broke me out of my thoughts as it started beeping more frequently. I immediately refocused my gaze on the machine opposite and found the lines were a lot closer together than before and I knew that it meant Jack’s heart rate had increased.

…Did I make that happen?

My heart lifted with the sudden hope that came alive inside of me at the possibility that Jack might be responding to my words. It was like his heart was listening and it was in beat with mine.

I turned back to look at Jack, actually hopeful that I would find his open eyes glued to me like they always used to be. But even though his heart was responding to me, his body was still comatose; sadly, he was still lying in the same position with his eyes closed.

I kept hold of Jack’s hand as I sighed and leaned forward to rest my head on the edge of his bed, closing my eyes and trying to escape the pain once more and fall asleep somehow. The slower beeping sound of the heart monitor told me that Jack’s heart rate had gradually calmed down and returned to normal.

Eventually, I began drifting off into a light sleep, finding comfort in the steady rhythm of Jack’s heartbeat and dwelling on the hope I felt that he had really heard me speaking to him. Just a sign that you’re with me gives me the strength to hold on…

Notes

The shittiest shit to ever shit shit! I hate school. i hate work. i hate grades. and i hate writers block! I have the best freaking outline for the next chapter of Nameless and no proper ways to execute it!!! ALSO here is a sneak peak (Alex and Jack get together, for reals, like maybe a house and everything..... maybe) you may hate me now.
Song: Busted