POV: Alex

All of a sudden, I jerked awake, breathing heavily as I fell back into a disorientated reality. I found myself lying on a bed, face down on top of the covers. It wasn’t the most comfortable of positions. I can’t remember how, I can’t remember why, I’m lying here tonight…

Strangely, I couldn’t remember actually falling asleep. I thought maybe I might have passed out, but I couldn’t remember much at all. However, in spite of my hazy memory, there was one thing I could remember, but I wanted to forget... My dream. It was the most awful thing to ever even enter my head…

*Trigger warning*

I dreamt that I raped Jack.

I didn't even understand how I could possibly dream of doing something like that. How was my mind that fucked up? The scariest part was it seemed so real…

I shuddered, as I sat up slowly on the bed, trying to erase the haunting images now engraved in my mind of Jack trembling underneath me. I was some kind of monster, holding him hostage… I was no longer me.

Then, all of a sudden, I heard a small whimpering sound come from behind me.

…What was that?

I froze, straining my ears as my eyes darted back and forth in paranoia. Breaking out of my paralysed state, I jumped to my feet and span around to scan the room, searching for the source of that unnerving whimpering sound.

And that was when I saw him.

He was crouched on the floor in the corner of the room, holding his knees up to his chin, practically using them as a barrier to hide behind. I guessed I wasn't the only one who had just had a bad dream... He looked so… small, so scared.

I felt my heart sink at the sight of him; he looked a fucking mess. His face had no colour at all, his cheeks were stained and blotchy from where he had clearly been crying, and there were dark circles around his eyes.

What happened to him?

At first he was quite obviously avoiding my stare, but then, his eyes warily locked with mine, and what I saw in his eyes made my blood run cold. There was fear; anger; pain; hatred… Yet at the same time, there was a dead look in his eye. The light that usually brightens up his eyes had vanished, leaving them dark and empty.

And it suddenly hit me with more force than an entire building crashing on top of me, that my ‘dream’ wasn’t a dream at all.

My chest tightened and my lungs constricted, making it almost impossible for me to breathe suddenly. I was choking on the overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret as the truth slowly sunk in... The truth was, I raped my best friend.

My eyes widened in horror and my vision suddenly became blurred as I looked down at Jack trying to cower away from me, weak and broken... all because of me.

I couldn’t stand the sight... Couldn’t stand what I had done to him... I couldn’t stand myself. I can’t stand the pain.

“Jacky,” I choked out in despair, the tears starting to stream down my face. “Oh my God... W-what have I done? I- I’m so sorry.”

I was struggling to speak. What the fuck can you say in a heartbreaking situation like this?
I can’t explain what happened.

There was nothing I could say to change what I'd done. I'd give anything to be able to go back in time. I didn’t mean to do it… I don’t even know what the fuck came over me. I lost control in the worst way possible. And now I’ve surely lost my best friend and the man I love.

Jack said nothing, clearly struggling with words too. He just tore his lifeless eyes away from mine, which were swimming with devastation, and focused on the floor.

My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was seconds away from beating itself into oblivion.
And I actually wished it would. I’m sick of this life.

I could never forgive myself for what I just did to him. I despised myself for losing control like that… I loathed what I had become. The alcohol transformed me into a monster… The soulless, obsessive beast inside of me took me over.

“I never meant to hurt you like this… Fuck, I’m so sorry,” I spoke in barely more than a strained whisper, sobbing heavily.

Even though I knew sorry didn't change a goddamn thing, I couldn't stop saying it.

Still, Jack said nothing. I hardly expected him to speak to me ever again. I knew that I just destroyed him, myself and everything we had. This time it was really over. I can’t erase the things that I’ve done.

“I don't blame you if you never want to see me again. Don’t worry, you won’t have to… Nobody will,” I struggled to tell him in an uneven and shaky voice as my airways started becoming very restricted. “I promise.”

It was a promise that I’ll make it stop; I’ll take the pain away… I’ll disappear so I can never hurt him again. I’ve made my mistakes, got nowhere to run.

The tears rolled down my cheeks like razorblades as I stumbled towards the door, leaving Jack behind and leaving my heart with him. All that came with me, and would always be with me, were all my devastating mistakes; they would haunt me to my death. I can’t make it go away.

POV: Jack


I didn’t make a sound while Alex was crying and begging me, choking on his regret. There was nothing to say. Everything was ruined.

It was already taking everything out of me to just breathe… Just sit there and not completely fall to pieces. But when the hotel door suddenly slammed shut behind Alex as he staggered away from me, I realised that I had already fallen. I was so fragile and he fucking ripped my heart out of my chest and just left me here, completely broken.

I thought the way he had abused me had killed me inside; I thought I had found a way of shutting out the pain. But I was wrong. Alex’s words were suddenly resounding in my head and becoming engraved in my heart: “I don't blame you if you never want to see me again. Don’t worry, you won’t have to… Nobody will. I promise.” It cut like a knife that he was leaving me now and never coming back.

Why did he have to fucking promise me that? The thought of losing Alex forever seemed to bring me back to life. It made my stomach turn over and tie in a knot, my lungs feel like they were collapsing inside of me, and my heart shatter into even smaller pieces. I no longer felt numb; I could feel the pain of my heart breaking all over again.

The fucked up reality of the situation is; I hate Alex for completely breaking me, but I still love him and simply cannot live without him.

I don’t know how yet, but we can work this out. I wanna start this over again. I’m not sure if it is even possible for me to forgive him for this, but maybe one day I will learn, because one thing I do know is it is not possible for me to ever forget him.

We will get through this somehow. We have to.

Realising this, I managed to drag myself to my feet with a lot of effort, wincing from the pain searing through the lower half of my body. I pushed the physical pain to the back of my mind and focused instead on the emotional pain that was driving me to go after Alex and stop him ending everything so suddenly.

I couldn't just let him fucking kill himself.

I stumbled in Alex’s footsteps out of the hotel room. If anyone could see me they would think I was drunk because I was finding it hard staying on my feet; I was so unsteady I had to hold onto the walls for support.

I soon arrived at a long, narrow corridor, with lifts at the other end in the near distance. As I made my way towards the lifts my dark eyes rested on Alex standing in one of them. He had his head hung low with his hands covering his face.

I automatically stopped in my tracks as love and hate collided inside of me at the mere sight of him. I was completely torn in two with how to feel towards him. Seeing you kills me now.

Part of me was overwhelmed by emotions I had never felt towards Alex suddenly crawling through my veins, such as fear and paranoia. My head was telling me to run away, but the other side of me was ruled by my heart, which was pushing me towards him.

I knew deep inside that if I turned back now I would never see him again, and even if he didn’t deserve my help after what he did to me, he didn’t deserve to sentence himself to death for his mistake either. Because that's all it was... A destructive mistake.

Maybe I'm naive, but I know Alex... And I know he never would have abused me like that if he wasn’t drunk and overpowered by his inner demons. He was in the middle of a mental breakdown.

But then, there's no excuse to commit such a terrible act...

But I have to at least consider the reasons that pushed Alex to do what he did, otherwise there is no way I will ever learn to forgive him.

As I stood there, anxious eyes fixed on Alex and erratic thoughts colliding in my head, I somehow managed to push the embedded fear I felt to the back of my mind and force my feet to continue down the corridor towards him.

I didn’t know what I was going to say when I reached him. I didn’t really want to talk to him... I just wanted him to see me and realise that he can’t leave me like this. He can’t just run away from his mistakes; he needs to stay here and face what he has done to me. But I knew that he couldn’t even face himself, otherwise he wouldn’t be contemplating suicide.

He’s a fucking coward.

He didn’t realise all of this though, because he never saw me. His face was still buried in his hands and I wasn’t quick enough to reach the lift before the doors closed, dividing me and Alex from eachother.

Will we ever reunite now?

I started running then, despite my aching body's protest. I ran down the stairs near the lifts, desperate to reach the bottom before Alex. Even when I was suddenly fighting for my breath, I didn’t stop running. I couldn’t. I needed to catch up with him.

But once again, I wasn’t fast enough. By the time I finally arrived in the reception and ran to the lifts, the doors were all open and they were deserted.

I scanned the lobby desperately, breathing heavily to keep up with my painful, racing heart, but there was no sign of Alex anywhere. It was like he had already managed to wipe himself off the face of the earth, as if he was a bad stain on its surface.

All of a sudden, as I stood there silently panicking, I felt a hand tap me on the shoulder from behind me. Troubled by my unnatural levels of paranoia, I jerked in surprise and span around on the spot so fast I nearly fell on the floor.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you!”

I was hoping it would be Alex, but standing in front of me was an unfamiliar teenage girl. I looked her up and down in confusion, trying to work out if I knew her. (I soon figured out that I didn’t.)

My voice seemed trapped in the back of my throat. I couldn’t reply, but the expression on my face said it all: "who the fuck are you?"

“Wow, I- I can’t believe it’s you! Sorry, uh, my name is Maloney Anderson… I’m a huge fan!” She told me excitedly, practically dancing on the spot.

Oh. Great. What is it with fans picking the worst moments possible to want to talk to me?!

I swallowed nervously and backed away slightly, a little worried that she might jump on me any second now.

Her face fell slightly as she watched me closely with analysing eyes.

“Are you okay?” She asked, wearing a concerned expression on my face.

Do I LOOK okay? No, I look a fucking wreck!

I still couldn’t seem to get any words past my lips, but I slowly shook my head in reply to her question, deciding to be honest. I would never tell a lie again, for the principle that lies destroy lives.

“What happened?” Alex happened. “is the band splitting up? Is that why you cancelled the show tonight?”

Shit… I completely forgot about the show! What the fuck is the time now? Where are Rian, Zack?

“I just saw Alex and he completely ignored-“ She started to fret, but I cut her off mid-sentence, finally managing to find my lost voice.

“Alex…” I repeated in a voice that sounded as lifeless as I felt.

“Yeah- Oh, have you two fallen out?” Maloney questioned nosily, looking saddened by the idea.

Yes, you could say that…

“Did you… Did you see where he went?” I asked her in my disembodied voice, ignoring her question this time and seizing my chance for help.

“Yeah, he just walked past me outside. He looked like he was heading towards the River Thames, but I’m not too sure… Does he often go for walks by the river?”

Only when he’s planning to fucking jump in them… Oh God.

“Fuck… I mean, no, uh… Thanks, I have to go,” I rambled quickly as my heart rate increased dramatically.

She sighed in disappointment as I immediately hurried past her. But then, as I started to run away, I suddenly stopped and glanced over my shoulder at her. I took one good, hard look at her, because one day, if I reach Alex in time, he may owe his life to that girl.

I gave her the smallest smile I could muster and made a mental note to myself to remember her face and reward that girl somehow in the future.

And then I just carried on running out of the hotel, turning left down a narrow street that I knew lead straight to the River Thames.

Running down a dark alley in London on my own late at night scared the shit out of me, especially in my paranoid state… But even though my chest was tight with fear, I ignored the trapped sensation I felt and kept going. I realised that the worst had already happened to me anyway; nothing could be worse than being abused by my best friend and the man love.

As far as I was concerned, I was indestructible now.

As I grew closer to the end of the lane, the sound of running water filled my ears, making my erratic heart stutter in horror and my feet run faster than I had ever run in my life. Eventually, I emerged from the black alley at the other end to find myself stood on the corner of a road, opposite the River Thames.

There was hardly any light and I couldn’t see things very clearly. I skimmed my unknown, dark surroundings with frantic eyes, but it was no use.

“Alex?” I tried to shout, but my voice was too weak and nowhere near loud enough.

Then, suddenly, my eyes fell on the silhouette of a man standing with his back to me, on the edge of the path, leaning on a wall and looking into the river. I didn’t need light to know instinctively that it was Alex.

The fact that I was seeing him again meant he had already broken his promise, but I had never been more relieved for a broken promise before in my life. I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing him again, even if I couldn’t stand seeing his face right now either.

All of a sudden, he climbed up onto the wall, dangerously standing on the river ledge. His intentions were crystal clear.

“NO! Don’t jump!” I choked out in a scream, temporarily finding my louder, stronger voice.

My irregular heartbeat kicked into overdrive and I started running towards his shadowed figure desperately, praying for him to hear me shouting. But he didn’t seem to hear anything over the loud, running water and the sharp whistle of the cold, night breeze.

“Alex!” I shouted his name again as loudly as I could. “STOP!”

This time he finally heard me shouting.

But then, all I could do was watch as he span around on the wall so fast he stumbled backwards, losing his balance.

“No!”

Without thinking, I screamed and sprinted across the road towards him as he fell backwards into the river. But at that exact moment, two bright lights came speeding out of the darkness directly towards me and the ear-piercing sound of a car horn attacked my eardrums.

I just froze where I was standing in the middle of the road, paralysed like a deer in headlights, and the deafening sound of tires screeching against the road pierced my ears. I’m blinded by the white light.

I prayed to be invincible in that moment… Prayed for my life… But no one fucking answered my prayers.

The car hit me with such force that I was thrown a few feet backwards, falling to the floor immediately.

At first, I thought everything was going to be okay. I thought I could just jump straight to my feet again, like I had only tripped over a stone, and escape with nothing but a few bruises. But when I landed, I smacked the back of my head very hard against the solid concrete ground.

It took a while for the pain to hit me, because everything was spinning and my organs were failing due to the traumatic shock… But before I could even scream for help, my body was suddenly taken over by a new kind of pain, unlike anything I had ever felt.

It was unlike any emotional trauma Alex had ever caused me… My head was throbbing so much and everything seemed to be collapsing inside of me. I felt like I was falling, like a paralysed corpse from the top of the highest building. And I knew the ground was getting closer, and I was going to crash and burn any second…

How could this happen to me?

“Jacky! No!” Alex’s fearful voice suddenly attacked my ears.

Wait, he’s alive?

His frantic voice grew closer and within seconds, he was right at my side.

“Oh my God… Jack, can you hear me?” He cried, sounding panic-stricken.

His voice was deafening in my painful head, along with the piercing sounds of sirens in the distance and people nearby, who were watching in horror, all shouting. Everybody’s screaming. I try to make a sound but no one hears me.

I wanted to speak and tell Alex that I was fine, but I couldn’t seem to make a sound. I just wanna scream. And honestly, I knew I wasn’t fine at all. I had to admit to myself then that I was in no way indestructible. I was falling fast, being consumed by darkness…And Alex was watching over me as I fell, but he couldn’t do anything to save me. I’m slipping off the edge.

All of a sudden, Alex took hold of my limp hand with both of his. If I wasn’t too weak I might have flinched from the contact… But I just lay there, thinking for a second about how our hands still fit perfectly together, like always. I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered.

I vaguely registered that his hands were wet and freezing cold from falling into the river. I didn't know how he had even managed to get out of it and come back for me... But he was too late. I was already beyond saving. I’m hanging by a thread.

“Jacky, please… You’re going to be okay…” He cried in devastation.

Oh Alex, we both know that’s not true…

“Lex,” I managed to whisper weakly, but the surrounding noise was drowning me out.
Just like the darkness was drowning me.

“I’m so sorry! This is all my fault!” Alex sobbed hysterically, not hearing me trying to tell him something that he needed to hear.

I wanted to press my finger to his lips and make him silent for just one second, but my hand was feeling heavier than lead all of a sudden. It was as if concrete was filling my veins.

“I forgive you,” I told Alex softly in barely more than a whisper, hoping he would hear me.

Those three simple words were a lie… But I had to say them. If I’m going to die now, I need to leave Alex something to live for… Something to help him learn to forgive himself and carry on with his life in the future. He needs to believe that I forgave him, because he’s the one who is going to have to live with the memory. Not me.

I’m not going to live at all.

I’m going to die as a result of trying to save Alex and I don’t want it all to be for nothing… I don’t want him to kill himself over this. I want him to go on without me.

I fought to keep my eyes open and staring into Alex’s devastated eyes. I open my eyes, I try to see, but I'm blinded. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and I could feel him slipping away from me.

“Hold on, Jacky... The paramedics are on their way. Stay with me… Please.” His desperate, pleading voice was echoing in my empty head, where even my thoughts were fading away.

My eyes closed slowly and then I couldn’t see his beautiful, distressed face anymore. His frantic voice and the sound of him crying drifted away next. Even the torturous pain I never thought I would escape from was disappearing. Everything was slowly fading away with each distant second.

The last thing to leave me was the powerful touch of his hands on mine.

The night goes on as I’m fading away…

Notes

I have writers block so i'm going to reuse old idea's... if you read This One's Different you are going to hate me.
Song: Simple Plan (that's the first time I've used every single lyric from a song!)

I've never written a chapter filled with this much drama before... its like the equivalent of 3 chapters of drama put into one.